Drunk fights

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years (living together for 2), and we are incredibly happy - unless one of us gets drunk. He used to get drunk nearly every night and gambled away his money. He could be quite mean and selfish when drunk, and this made me very upset. Now, the gambling is under control and the drinking is much better than it was but its not perfect. Say I'm away, well guaranteed he'll get trashed and will be either mean or sarcy on the phone. Also, if we're out, very often he doesn't know when to stop and it makes me feel on edge. Usually, I end up asking him to stop drinking. He gets angry and drinks more than he would have if I wouldn't have said anything. Then I cry and work myself into a real state and its hell for the rest of the night.

Now, my dad used to drink a lot and be mean to my mum so I know I'm insecure about that and slightly irrational around drunk people. So how should I deal with him getting even occasionally drunk? And how should I approach this on a night out, or if I'm away? Do i just need to be more laid back about it? Or is this behaviour unacceptable?

Also, I've often reacted by getting hammered myself if I see him getting drunk and then end up being incredibly mean to him. I insult him in front of my friends, put him down, and even dump him. I feel so ashamed then the following day and then become sure he'll want to break up with me. I hate myself for doing this, and seem to become a completely different person.

How do we solve this? I mean, our relationship is otherwise amazing. Its just these occasional nights out, or the nights I'm away threaten to ruin things sometimes. I don't ever want to be mean or horrible to him, but the drinking really does bother me when it happens. He's 27 and still a student, so I'm hoping there's also a chance he might grow out of it once he's working.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Duff_Man

you just have to get him to stop the drinking! he is obviously a bad drunk! maybe sit down with him and tell him how u feel...make sure he is sober! and if that doesnt work have one of them intervention things!..but i think they are for more serious matters! does he know how he acts when drunk?

but honestly im the same, my dad was a alcaholic! the only way to get him off the sauce was to sit him down when he was sober and tell him everything! it got through to him in the end! he's being sober for 3 years now! hope this helps slightly!

Bob the Builder

well, you must understand that if you say anything while he's drunk, you may get beaten up, however, if he understans his problem while he's sover, amke the first appointment you can with a specialist

Ruu_Old

Sit down and have a serious chat with him while he is sober. Being in fear of something happening to you or on the edge is not on, communicate, talk to him. Best of luck.

Black Swan

Both of you should make a pact (when sober) to cut back on the booze. It can hurt your relationship if it's not sorted out. Don't get me wrong, I like a cool one on a hot day, or a glass of wine with a meal, but I don't like getting hammered or being around those that do.

TheBride

He's 27 and still a student, so I'm hoping there's also a chance he might grow out of it once he's working.

Yeah, sounds like PeterPanMan.. never wants to grow up.

RUN while you can

BeardyGit

drunken bf wrote:

.....He's 27 and still a student, so I'm hoping there's also a chance he might grow out of it once he's working.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Don't be naieve. He's a grown man. He won't 'grow out' of a bad attitude.

If you want to deal with it, deal with it head on. If not, you're wasting your time.

Good luck anyway,

Gil

EDIT @TheBride: Missed your post :-)

MojoMaker

drunken bf wrote:

we are incredibly happy

Nope, you're not. Why do you think each of you drinks? Part company and look for a genuine relationship, one that doesn't require external influences to stutter along.

"I love him when he's not beating me loike" :rolleyes:

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Don't drink. Either of you. Seriously, try it for a month. Go to the theatre, go to the cinema, got for picnics on the beach - no wine.

If you think I'm joking then you need to take a step back. As does anyone who fells they cannot operate without alcohol. Is alcohol so important to you?Are you addicted to it?

If it is, then you seriously need to think where is the relastionship going. Are you going to bring kids into it and turn into your parents?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the posts. He's never hit me, and honestly now, we are happy the rest of the time. Drinking usually happens at times of stress, and its only once in a while not even weekly or monthly that things get out of hand. Its just that when it happens, its pretty bad. Alcohol is definately not a crutch just to make this relationship work. He just doesn't know how to stop sometimes and that goes for his life before we met, and when I'm not around.

I will have a serious chat with him, and explain how the drinking makes me feel. Also, the pact idea is a good one. I know I drink too much sometimes too, and am irrational and cruel to him when I do. We both need to change our ways, and I have said this to him before. Things change for a while, then a mad night happens and we're back to square one.

He's lovely, sweet and everything I want when sober so I don't want to give up on this. Its a minor issue, but I want to put a stop to it before it escalates and gets worse. Thanks again

Dragan

drunken bf wrote:

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

From reading the above i would just say break up....either he is getting drunk and you are scared of him, or you need to get drunk too and end up being worse than he is.

Call it a day.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Nah, fair play for you for trying. Hope the chat goes well. But if it doesn't and he continues, then don't for God'ssake, don't stay too long. Knowing when to get out is half the battle.

LegacyUser

bin there, very similar situation, almost to a tee.
good few years later, I'm with someone else.

Sorry to be so pessimistic, but he'll have to either take a huge step and change his lifestyle with you...
Or do it on his own.

You should never feel on edge when you go out due to the fear of a partner getting locked.

Nobody gets drunk and abuses you over the phone if you are "incredibly happy".
They might get drunk, slobber all over you and fall down unconcious, (in which case carrying someone home is a difficult thing),
but sarkiness and meanness only comes out I think if there are underlying issues.

The golden rule is "never debate with a drunk...ever"

that goes for you too,
Go bed or have sex, shut mouth.
If your going to stay with him get used to it, unless of course there is some dawning he has in his own mind about drinking, your naggin isnt going to change him.

if your getting trollied to keep up with him, or to try and relax when you are feeling on edge when out, well your as much of a fool as I was at the time.

Get rid or put up. Thats my advice, because from my own experience you'll break your heart trying.