Loneliness

LegacyUser

Hi there would like some feedback on this - i am a single 30yr old man - never had a girlfriend and am still virgin although ive been with a few women but never done the deed. I havent been with anyone for a few years now. also am fairly shy. i have no friends. When i was around 18 - i became ill with schizophrenia but eventually recovered around the age of 20 completely - used chinese medicine to recover. There is nothing wrong with me mentally or physically - my health is ok. I work in IT as contractor and am also interested in playing the guitar.

I guess i am lonely and would like to have a girlfriend - i am not particularly good looking but am not deformed or anything - i would like to change my situation - sometimes i get down and also frustrated about my situation. I live in smallish though growing town - but have no friends there but quite a lot of enemies/nasty people. I user to be picked on when i went out to the pub - sneered at etc by bullies also i found it difficult standing up for myself
and i was drinking very heavily.

I dunno - how do I change my situation i guess is what im asking?

Cheers

I have since stopped drinking and attend AA meetings 2 to 3 times a week

Trinity

Hi

Well you have taken the first steps by acknowledging your heavy drinking and going to the meetings.

That takes strength of character so feel proud of that.

As for your situation, well is it just the girlfriend situation you want to change?

I think that you should work on your self esteem and confidence before looking for someone.

If you are not in an emotionally healthy place then you may end up in an emotionally unhealthy relationship which believe me is worse than lonliness.

You need to be comfortable with you first. And i know i know the old cliche but its true, you need to work on loving yourself first.

Be comfortable with the idea that you can indeed live a happy life without a relationship. Of course it would be nice, but you cannot depend on someone else for your happiness. As i said in another thread this leads to dependance and the other person will generally feel pressured or even lose respect for you. The key to living with someone is actually knowing you can live without them. It doesnt mean loving them any less, it just means keeping healthy boundaries.

Looks are not that important believe it or not. Inner beauty shines through.

Have you tried any self help books for confidence or have you ever considered life coaching??

sorry just read the part about friends. DO you have any hobbies apart from the guitar. Something that you could do in a group. When you become more assertive and confident in yourself making friends will come easier. How about a voluntary group. Knowing you are doing good can make you feel good.

COme up with a list of your strengths, your good points and what you like about yourself. Look at it everyday and believe it.

Try to ignore those nasty people it sounds like you have been through a lot.

Starting fresh can sometimes be a good idea but only if you get the other issues sorted first as wherever you go, your troubles will follow.

Setting small goals for yourself is a good idea as Biko says. Feeling like you are achieving something can boost your confidence.

Write a list of short term achievable goals that you could do in the next week say - go somewhere new for a coffee. SMile at a stranger!!

Then do a list for 6 months. DOnt over do it though baby steps!!

biko

You could try to set goals that you need to achieve.

For instance, to talk to a strange woman about the weather for a minute, join a self defense class, visit all counties in Ireland or climb Kilimanjaro next summer.

With each goal you will get a sense of accomplishment that will inspire you to set higher goals.

Or...

You could always start over in another town/country? I know this sounds like fleeing but perhaps that would do the trick?

LegacyUser

Looks are not that important believe it or not. Inner beauty shines through.

Have you tried any self help books for confidence or have you ever considered life coaching??[/QUOTE]


No not really - although im aware confidence is very important - there is a girl i kind of like who attends AA as well i would say she is a little older than me possible around 34/35 - and has a personality i like and is confident. I asked her out for a cup of coffee about 2 weeks ago - she couldnt make it the following weekend bevuase she had to do something for her parents but said she would come along - havent met her yet for the coffee - but she texted me a couple of times - so i am able to chat to her after meetings etc. but dont want to appear desperate either if you know what i mean but i do like her

free2fly

Congratulations on attending AA and giving up the drink! Well done OP! It sounds like you have a great lack of confidence. You say that you play the guitar. Perhaps that is a good place to start. Maybe you can find some other musicians and put together a band. What type of music do you play?

fuzzywiggle

Ok the first thing I am going to say to you is take up some hobbies, join some groups. Anything you might be slightly interested in to get you out there meeting people and enjoying yourself. I really think this will benefit you so I hope you take this advice on board.

You were picked on when you went out to the pub? I'm guessing you were getting this from people your own age? That's pathetic that anyone should do that. It would remind you of being in primary school again. What kind of mentality have these people got. It's a very low thing to do. Forget about that and move on. Don't let low lives put you down.

Well done for joining the AA. That's not an easy thing to do so you should be very happy of that achievement.

You have alot of things going for you, don't forget that. It's hard to make friends especially if you're shy, but don't let that hold you back. You just have to get on with it and do your best! Try to be a little more outgoing, and with each attempt you will find it easier.

If you need a chat or anything, feel free to PM me.

I hope it all works out well OP. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

free2fly wrote:

Congratulations on attending AA and giving up the drink! Well done OP! It sounds like you have a great lack of confidence. You say that you play the guitar. Perhaps that is a good place to start. Maybe you can find some other musicians and put together a band. What type of music do you play?

Im just learning at the moment - playing seriously about 3/4 months learning songs like eric clapton tears in heaven, classical gas going to learn cavatina etc. i would eventually like to play in a band - perform live be it in pubs, clubs etc. and believe this is achievable if i practice enough - but as trinity mentioned - confidence and assertion is the key i feel a lot of other things will fall into place through this - joining groups/hobbies is fine - but i dont want to take on too much - doing the inner work more important however - its easy to talk the talk walking the walk is a whole lot harder im sure youll agree thanks for your comments

Trinity

Unregman wrote:

Looks are not that important believe it or not. Inner beauty shines through.

Have you tried any self help books for confidence or have you ever considered life coaching??

No not really - although im aware confidence is very important - there is a girl i kind of like who attends AA as well i would say she is a little older than me possible around 34/35 - and has a personality i like and is confident. I asked her out for a cup of coffee about 2 weeks ago - she couldnt make it the following weekend bevuase she had to do something for her parents but said she would come along - havent met her yet for the coffee - but she texted me a couple of times - so i am able to chat to her after meetings etc. but dont want to appear desperate either if you know what i mean but i do like her[/QUOTE]


Asking someone for a coffee isnt desperate. Dont read into things too much though just be glad that you have her as a friend. Take it nice and slow and see what happens.

Regardless of whether you strike up a relationship or not with this woman you still need to work on your own self-esteem for yourself in all areas of your life.

You say she is confident - see its attractive isnt it - women find this attractive in a man too.

Colm_OReilly

Essentially what Trinity1 said.

A girlfriend will not solve your problems. Inner work is very important, far more important than changing situations - which can be largely out of your control.

Concentrate on what you wand and work to phrase it as positively as possible. For example, "I want to be confident" not "I don't want to be shy."

I'd like to acknowledge your courage in posting this. I imagine it wasn't easy. If you've any questions you'd like to ask me - I'm a coach by profession - please throw them up here or email me.

Colm

LegacyUser

why not go traveling?

you don't have any ties, unless you have a mortgage, and if so, you can rent out your house/flat.

serouslly, save up your cash and get the hell out of the small town.

you could always work in another country, lots do the australia thing, not sure if you have to be under 30 to apply for visa, or if you can get it when you are 30.

shouldn't have too much trouble getting a job in I.T.

you can get a canadian work visa up to 35.

seriouslly, sounds like you're in a complete rut.