Girlfriend is messed up!

LegacyUser

Im going to make this short as I can as I could go on forever.
Just to start I want to say I am deeply in love with this girl and she has made me very happy before this.

As Ive said she is messed up, she suffers from depression has done for years is never totally happy with herself, whether its her weight, the way she looks, the way she thinks, interaction with people etc. To meet her you would not believe this as she is a very beautiful, warm, intelligent girl with alot going for her.

Everything seemed to be ok for a period of time but she started drinking again which she uses for confidence, to forget her problems etc. She can't stop at just a few she has no control over it and ends up blacking out not remembering a thing. This has got her into some extremely dangerous situations leading to very serious injuries among many others and evidently lead to us breaking up while mopping the floor with my heart and sanity.
She has gone to a live in clinic for a while to get help for her drinking.

As far as our relationship goes theres very little hope of us coming back from it after what she has done to me, I don't know. Im going cracked over this its a dark pain ive never experienced before. But I said I would support her through it. She has asked me to understand her deppression why she drinks like that so on and that she would never do any of this intentionally. Im a glass half full type of guy and kind of dismissed her problems by trying to keep her happy so she would forget, worked for quiet a while but this only masked the issues and eventually rose again and it has also come to light that she has been making herself get sick the last few months which I find hard to take in as I said she is a very beautiful with a fabulous figure.

I guess what Im asking is has anyone been in any similar situations with any advice or just to share a story and can anyone show or point me in the right direction of some literature, websites etc on depression, alcoholism ways to help her. I also need to find answers for my peace of mind aswell.
Thank you

Trinity

I never feel comfortable giving advice on such serious issues as i am by no mean near a professional. So all i can do is offer some opinions!

but just as an outsider i would say this girl has some deep issues that only therapist/psychiatrist may be able to get to the root of. Possibly in some way related to her past or childhood.

This goes a little further than a lack of confidence or low self esteem.

You seem to have done all you can and have been very supportive.

But right now, while still being supportive, you need to look after yourself first. It may sound selfish but the first rule of self aid for example before you go to someones aid is to make sure you are not putting yourself in danger first (read that yesterday so probably piggy backing someones elses post sorry!).

You cannot be anyones crutch. She needs professional help so let them do their job.

whether she could deal with a break up or not at present is a different issue one that only you can decide.

But again you have to do whats right for you and look after your own mental/physical health.

Its your life, your future. You decide what you want from it and is this how you intend to spend your future.

Blu Eyz

Hi there...I totally feel for you...

Has your girlfriend said she would go to counselling? She definitely needs to get professional help, you can only be there for her and support her.

Also you mentioned she is starting to make herself sick, bulimia is not a good thing ....has this "making herself" sick been going on long?

Da Bounca

Well, I was in a similar one a while back. A couple of differances: she wouldnt go to a clinic or get help. Smashing girl, gorgeous, smart, funny. Drink however brought out the darkness, both in the form of blackouts and foul humor/depression.
Try as I might she wouldn't listen.

In the end, I told her **** off you're no longer my problem.

Life has been better since.

... had to edit, was a bit harsh. If you really love her, and her you, then support her and get through this sh1t. Hypnotise her against drink or something. Some people just arent meant to drink, unfortunately, they are the very ones who will never give it up.

Beruthiel

help Unreg wrote:

She has asked me to understand her deppression why she drinks like that so on and that she would never do any of this intentionally. Im a glass half full type of guy and kind of dismissed her problems by trying to keep her happy so she would forget, worked for quiet a while but this only masked the issues and eventually rose again and it has also come to light that she has been making herself get sick the last few months which I find hard to take in as I said she is a very beautiful with a fabulous figure.

She needs proper, professional help.
Ignoring a problem has never, ever worked.
Whither she is hurting you intentionally or not is not the issue here. You've done all you can for her, you cannot loose your own sanity and happiness over this. Life is very short, you must make the most of it.
I have to echo others here and say that if she is not willing to 100% sort herself and her life out, you have to walk away.

Blub2k4

Go speak to Al-Anon, they can probably refer you to counsellors.

LegacyUser

whether she could deal with a break up or not at present is a different issue one that only you can decide.

But again you have to do whats right for you and look after your own mental/physical health.

Its your life, your future. You decide what you want from it and is this how you intend to spend your future

She said that she cant do this without me and there is no point to it otherwise, I have been told many times to get the hell out of there until its to late but I did see a future together, a very bright one. I know it is my choice, will I hold it against her if we try again will I regret it forever if we dont,Im very confused.


Has your girlfriend said she would go to counselling? She definitely needs to get professional help, you can only be there for her and support her.

Also you mentioned she is starting to make herself sick, bulimia is not a good thing ....has this "making herself" sick been going on long?


She said she is willing to try anything if it helps but has tried it before and said it didnt she can be very stubborn somtimes and maybe didnt want to be helped she does now as she has something to live for me apparently.
She had bulimia when she was much younger but got help and seemed to be ok,I suppose it never goes away.


had to edit, was a bit harsh. If you really love her, and her you, then support her and get through this sh1t. Hypnotise her against drink or something. Some people just arent meant to drink, unfortunately, they are the very ones who will never give it up.

We are both in love there is no question about that. She says now its different she tried giving up herself but didnt work out as temptations were there(I wasnt any major help there as I do like to go out on the weekend for a few somtimes more) but now never wants another drop and is getting professional help, I do believe her.

you cannot loose your own sanity and happiness over this. Life is very short, you must make the most of it.
I have to echo others here and say that if she is not willing to 100% sort herself and her life out, you have to walk away.

I am loosing alot of sleep over this and not eating much, I think I need to see a councillor myself.
The clinic shes in can only fit her in to one ongoing programme with the time she has in there which is alcoholism. She accepts that depression is the key problem here but they as professionals thought different(it is meant to be one of the best clinics in the country) and that she needs after the programme is finished follow it up with more counseling, drugs etc which they will help with off site as its very costly to stay there.She is commited in that way. She wants to experience this better life with me but it could be just to late.

LegacyUser

Trinity1 wrote:

I never feel comfortable giving advice on such serious issues as i am by no mean near a professional. So all i can do is offer some opinions!

but just as an outsider i would say this girl has some deep issues that only therapist/psychiatrist may be able to get to the root of. Possibly in some way related to her past or childhood.

This goes a little further than a lack of confidence or low self esteem.

You seem to have done all you can and have been very supportive.

But right now, while still being supportive, you need to look after yourself first. It may sound selfish but the first rule of self aid for example before you go to someones aid is to make sure you are not putting yourself in danger first (read that yesterday so probably piggy backing someones elses post sorry!).

You cannot be anyones crutch. She needs professional help so let them do their job.

whether she could deal with a break up or not at present is a different issue one that only you can decide.

But again you have to do whats right for you and look after your own mental/physical health.

Its your life, your future. You decide what you want from it and is this how you intend to spend your future.

Yes Im been told many times to get the hell out of there before its to late but its no as easy as that I promised her I would support her and I dont go back on a promises besides the fact Im still in love with her.

D-Generate

If its depressing you then you should get out of the relationship. Its a bit of emotional blackmail to try and rope you in to her problems by saying she needs your support to get through it. I have had a girl threaten suicide before because I tried to break up with her and I gave in which was a very poor decision on my part. Get out now before you get further entrenched. I know you feel you have responsibilities towards her but at the end of the day your only responsibility is the preservation of your sanity. Sure for all you know breaking up with her might give her the shake up in life to finally sort out her problems.

LegacyUser

She sounds a little like I used to be actually. I used to be horrendously depressed and any self destructive behavior I could partake in, I would. I'd make myself sick, drink way past my limits till I collapsed and burn myself. It went so far that I attempted suicide but thankfully am still here.

I never got any proffessional help... And I can say now that was probably a big mistake. At present I'm a very happy person, through all the depression and sadness I went through, the only person who was ever goign to be able to pull me out of it was me, and I did. I learned what made me unhappy, I took away everthing I would have used to hurt myself and little by little I regained a sense of wellbeing. Having a friend on hand to talk about it helped increibly and was one of the biggest factors in me getting better. Proffiesional help is a must. As content as I feel at the moment I do feel like I'm walking a bit of a tightrope. Like the issues I had are buried but still alive and to be honest if something bad happened to me right now it'd probably just send me into another downward spiral, hence the reason why it's so important to talk to someone who knows how to deal with depression and/or alcoholism, get rid of the problems once and for all as opposed to just forgetting about them.

Wurly

You have to remember that saying things like 'I cant do it without you' are a sick person talking.

She firmly believes this and is terrified of losing you. But her mind and reasoning is distorted because of the depression. And it does make you become self centred. Not that the person is bad or selfish, its the nature of the disease. You need others to faclitate you how exactly how you want them to.

Yes, the other posters are right, you do need to live your own life. Insist counselling etc. It seems that maybe your a soft touch around her sometimes. Stand your ground with this one. As she gets better, her mind will open up and her expectations will be more reasonable. But please understand that the nature of the disease is to feel hopeless and not want to help yourself. Its not her being stubborn. Also, she really is frightened.

I can give you the name of a fabulous counsellor who deals with depression and other disorders - o.c.d., eating disroders, trich, bi polar.etc. You never know, it might not just be the depression she is suffering from, could be another disorder too. That needs to be checked out or it will never get fixed.

Anyway, PM me if you want the counsellor's number (she helped me).

Black Swan

help unreg wrote:

Yes Im been told many times to get the hell out of there before its to late but its no as easy as that I promised her I would support her and I dont go back on a promises besides the fact Im still in love with her.

Make sure she gets professional help. Keep your promise. And if I was in your shoes and still in love with someone in trouble, I would stick by them.

Kell

help unreg wrote:

but its no as easy as that I promised her I would support her and I dont go back on a promises

From many experience, walk away and dont look back. It sucks áss and you will hurt like fúck, but walk away. At the end of the day you have your own self esteem and self respect to worry about and the longer you stay with her, the bigger the dent in your sanity will get.

Ask yourself a question. Do you want to be the one attending a counsellor for the next 18 months to rebuild yourself if you are not going to one already? The other question you have to ask is how good is your self esteem now if you are prepared to subject yourself to this.

At the end of the day, the fact that she is depressive does not separate her from being treated as any other individual would. If something fúcked up in a regualr relationship, you would have less qualms to worry about. The same should apply here. Her depression is her problem to sort out and not yours.

help unreg wrote:

besides the fact Im still in love with her.

And that really sucks. As per above though, there are going to be other relationships where you are deeply in love and it all ends in tears too. Dont let her depression blindly glue you to her because you'll only end up resenting her for it.

To look at it another way. The longer you spend trying to fix this person, deprives you of time spent with your perfect match.

*K-

*Feeling strangely nice today. It must be Friday.

nudge

I was that girl (minus the drinking) to my boyfriend ages ago. We are still together and happy. Bottom line was it didnt matter what he did or how nice he was, my problems were with me. The only thing that helped sort me out eventually was me going to therapy. Wouldnt say its 100% cure but I am a much happier bunny now and therefore our relationship is better. The fact is he was always a sweetheart but I personally liked to push my own self destruct button. The fact is you can't change her unless she wants to change herself, no matter how nice you are to her. Good luck though, I feel for you!

Marksie

I was in a similar situation myself several years ago. She was in a self destructive pattern. It was totally draining and destroying my self confidence.. Unfortunately by her own admission she was a perfect liar so in the end i didnt know whether i was coming or going! Not knowing what to believe

It culminated in her attacking me physically one night which was really the final straw. Whether i was immature or just not strong enough is a moot point.
In the end she went of with a guy she worked with who promised everything. If she found it well and good.

But i was a drained wreck for a long while after.

She would not seek professional help, so i urge our g/f to do so, but be sure to look after your own health as well.

i truly wish you well.

LegacyUser

my sister is pretty much similiar to the girl you're talking about in a weird way.

i think something really important is to understand that you may even be retarding her by being too much of a crutch for her, that sometimes ppl need to be thrown out into the deep end to be able to finally start swimming alone.

also what a few ppl have said is so true, you need to make SURE to look after yourself first because 1. you will be drained and wont be any use to her and 2. if things do eventually sort themselevs out and you are wrecked from it all, whether you love her or not, you no doubt will end up resenting her to a certain extent, which is totally human but will lead to such complications.

fair play to you for wanting to do the right thing, just dont think being selfish is wrong because its essential sometimes.

good luck

AngryBadger

Hard to comment without knowing what exactly transpired that more or elss broke the two of you up.

I've known people who had issues like this, and, although I'm going to get slated for this, i think you need to walk away.

A lot of other posters have commented on the fact that she can't do this "for" you, she has to want it for herself first, and she has to do it on her own when all's said and done regardless of how much you want to do it for her.

At the very least I'd make it clear that you're no longer a couple, but that you're willing to keep in contact and offer your support that way. And saying that I don't know if I'd be sticking around for this. She'll wind up dragging you down with her, and if she's keeping you around as a kind of "anchor" in all this you're definitely going to get burned, and burned bad.

How long are ye together? How old are ye?

metrovelvet

Whatever you do its going to hurt. You are going to have to let her hit bottom - its the only way she will recover. The greatest love you can show her possibly may be walking away from her.

Perhaps you should check out some nar-anon or Al-Anon for family and friends of alcoholics to help you think this through.

Your living with someones addiction. If you love her to stick by her through this, its going to have to be tough love - do you think you have the strength for that?

I know everyone is telling you to walk away, but I know what loyalty is, and I also know the kind disfunctional loyalty is bred from addiction too [having lived with an addict as a child], and I know how hard it is to turn your back on the cries for help from someone you love. Really think about this. You cant do it on your own. Seek support.

Could you possible be an enabler, a rescuer?

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote:

Whatever you do its going to hurt. You are going to have to let her hit bottom - its the only way she will recover. The greatest love you can show her possibly may be walking away from her.

Perhaps you should check out some nar-anon or Al-Anon for family and friends of alcoholics to help you think this through.

Your living with someones addiction. If you love her to stick by her through this, its going to have to be tough love - do you think you have the strength for that?

I know everyone is telling you to walk away, but I know what loyalty is, and I also know the kind disfunctional loyalty is bred from addiction too [having lived with an addict as a child], and I know how hard it is to turn your back on the cries for help from someone you love. Really think about this. You cant do it on your own. Seek support.

Could you possible be an enabler, a rescuer?

Yes I could be an enabler as I do enjoy a drink on the weekends with friends, she did give up before but felt she had to come out with me as she didnt liked been left on her own. Which lead to her drinking again after a while.

We are in our mid twenties and have been going out nearly two years