Just can't do it....

LegacyUser

Hi all, going unreg for this as i am embarrassed. I am a pretty average looking guy who had his heart broken a little while back after LT relationship.

Problem is, I just cant get it together with girls for whatever reason. I am over the relationship now and feel like getting back out there, but only last friday I went to a pub in an area I usually dont go to (was in mates birds house) and went to local. I ended up getting chatted up by one of the girls and she was really, really nice. Nice person, really good looking, funny etc. Long story short, we went back to mates birds house and were all sitting on couch chattin and drinkin. Mate and his missus went to bed and left me and miss lovely sitting on separate couches. Sat there having the laugh for ages and then she got up and sat beside me, really close and was giving me pure obvious body signals. But I froze! I really fancied her and she was doing everything bar putting her tongue in me gob!!!! But I couldnt, I just sat there being all funny and even dropping hints about 'shagging' etc! But after a while she just stood up and decided that she had enough of this moron and left pissed off! I am pretty sure I am over ex, rarely think of her, am fairly happy with things in my life, whilst I am no brad pitt, I certainly am not ugly either and i am fairly fit and healthy and dress well. I can hold a decent conversation with anyone about anything but she was not the first girl i couldnt do anything with, there were a few others, but I tried to tell myself I must have drank too much those times. But last friday I didnt drink too much, I was watching what I drinking (not boasting but I can drink loads without getting pissed) and drinking lots of water as i didnt want this to happen again. But it did and now I am so depressed about it. Anyone have any ideas as to why this should be? I really liked this girl, not just sexually but was having a good time with her and she wasnt drinking a huge amount either. i could be ringing/texting her now and her face is in my mind. the other girls i made a balls of didnt really matter to me as i was only out for one thing and was a little pissed tbh as well. But this girl was decent, smart and sexy and I blew up. i am not a shy or retiring person but this is worrying me now, should i maybe talk to someone or somthing as I do have bit of problem with the initial ice breakers, get nervous but once get the courage i can usually go the distance with them. And I always try to do the running before the night gets on so i am talking to someone partially sober? Sorry long post but my head is wrecked. And please dont stress over long on the X as she is well shot of now but she is a factor by all means?

I dont want this to keep happening, any ideas or should i call the local monastery now or maybe just join the priest hood? I looooove women and even if no score I like talking to them anyway, but this has to stop!

Trinity

Maybe the atmosphere or timing just wasnt right.

I'm female but i dont think there is anything too attractive about a girl you hardly know almost sticking her gob into your mouth and probably willing to shag you without even a first date.

This can be intimidating especially if you feel on the spot to perform.

Maybe your standards are just higher than that and you are looking for something more than a quickie.

Get to know someone first. Ask someone out for a date. A lot of girls dont shag on the first date anyway so hopefully by the time you have been out with a girl you like a few times you will have gotten to know her and you will be attracted to her and the rest should flow naturally.

Colm_OReilly

Hey there lostmemojo (Cool name btw)

I know exactly what you're talking about here.

Firstly you're right in taking responsibility for this problem, instead of blaming someone else/circumstances - which is what essentially most people do. But those that do that don't progress in life, so nice work there.

Anyone have any ideas as to why this should be?

I'm not nearly as interested in knowing the problem as helping you figure out where you'd like to go from here.

There's a fear there that's holding you back. What exactly that fear is I can't tell you, but I can help you with it: What, specifically are you afraid of (making a mistake, making a fool of yourself, falling for this girl, this girl falling for you and not being able to handle it)? Should that fear come true, what exactly will be the consequences, and more important, could you handle them?

Now, flip it around, what could happen here?

As an educated guess, you might have stopped because everything up to that reinforced the belief that you were cool and attractive. Had it gone further, it could have messed up, but by leaving you're preserving your ego. The funny thing about all this is that by leaving you're denying yourself what you want.

should i maybe talk to someone

If you feel it would help, drop me an email. This is what I deal in. If nothing else I can point you at some resources that could help.

Colm

Gordon

Colm_OReilly wrote:

If nothing else I can point you at some resources that could help.

Feel free to point us all to those resources Colm!

LegacyUser

Well was talkin to some of the lads the other night and mentioned it to one of the more understanding lads and he thinks its that i am afraid of relationships (all them ended!.....) and rejection.

Dunno about the rejection bit, i get plenty of this doing the rounds trying to chat up girls, doesnt bother me, guess its that i just dont want hassle in me life, last relationship ended on a damp squib if ya know what i mean, just sort of stopped and was on life support for while. pain in me hole with that to be honest.

and i dont wxpect nor always want a shag when i meet someone, the more i like them the less i expect as i dont wanna mess it up wiv them. that girl the other night was the buzz all right, we were splittn ourselves laughin and stuff, teliing jokes and all, the craic. i was joking about shaggin and stuff to guage whether she was open minded or maybe a bit shy but she didnt seem to mind and no, she didnt TRY to stick her tongue in me gob, but she was practically sittin on me lap. what do i need, a written invitation in latin script ffs?

anyway, maybe am afraid of relationships, but i dont think so when i think on it and the other girls i coulda been with seemed up for it and all i was looking for was a one nighter anyway, but the other girl got me bad i tell thee.....

maybe i should stay away from that for a little longer, been 3 months since me and the old girl split up and all, although i was heartbroken at the time, after 2/3 weeks without seeing her i started to wonder what i was missing? thats sounds mean i know but i think it was the comfort zone and the regular sex that i was missing (sorry ladies, dont wanna come off as a wanker, but thats the truth i think).

im telling ya, though, i feel like austin powers when he lost his! course i aint as suave as him or nothing if ya catch me drift.....but its like having a gun and feeling all brave but when ya pull the trigger, the clip is empty or something?

Any advice so on how to get it back? I know how to talk to the girls, I know how to do the do (I think im great in the sack now, but then I would seeing as i also think im the bomb....only buzzing) and know where things go and all dat **** so the act isnt the prob either. im a pretty decent lad i believe, fairly honest and loyal to me mates, dont like to mess people around or nothin and treat women with respect (if a girl tells me not interested ill just thank her for her time and leave wiv a smile - tip lads, id say 20% of the time i got a 'call back' with that one, nice guys can come first sometimes!

so anyway, going to daft punk tonight, clubbing then back to mates where there will be loads of girls. am concerned it will happen again so any advice QUICK>..........

Darragh29

Colm_OReilly wrote:

Hey there lostmemojo (Cool name btw)

I know exactly what you're talking about here.

Firstly you're right in taking responsibility for this problem, instead of blaming someone else/circumstances - which is what essentially most people do. But those that do that don't progress in life, so nice work there.


I'm not nearly as interested in knowing the problem as helping you figure out where you'd like to go from here.

There's a fear there that's holding you back. What exactly that fear is I can't tell you, but I can help you with it: What, specifically are you afraid of (making a mistake, making a fool of yourself, falling for this girl, this girl falling for you and not being able to handle it)? Should that fear come true, what exactly will be the consequences, and more important, could you handle them?

Now, flip it around, what could happen here?

As an educated guess, you might have stopped because everything up to that reinforced the belief that you were cool and attractive. Had it gone further, it could have messed up, but by leaving you're preserving your ego. The funny thing about all this is that by leaving you're denying yourself what you want.

If you feel it would help, drop me an email. This is what I deal in. If nothing else I can point you at some resources that could help.

Colm

Hi LostMMJ. I have had the exact same problem over the years. I have pondered over this for years and have scratched my head trying to figure out what it is that makes me go "weird" when a good looking, dead sound girl shows an interest in me, which thankfully has happened from time to time!

I eventually read something somewhere that dealt with the subject of "fear" as a human instinct and this explained what I think the problem was.... Apparently generations and generations ago, fear was a necessary part of the human existance, the fight of flight situations were part of everyday life. We no longer need to fight or flight on a daily basis (from time to time the instinct comes apparent if we are mugged or something like that).

Basically fear was healthy years ago because it was necessary to keep us safe. Nowadays however, fear has no real use outside of an emergency and if we don't recognise it when it kicks in, it causes these type of problems... Think of it, why would you be afraid of a cute girl that you get on with and are having a laugh with??? On a logical level, you wouldn't, and this is a good thing. What I think the problem is, is that on another level, the fear factor kicks in (I bet in your head you're saying, "just kiss her"). but on some other level, fear is taking over and you're just retiring to safe ground in your head and basically retreating when you should be advancing! I hope you see what I'm saying...

LegacyUser

This is similar to my problem.

I have no problem being (sleeping) with a girl I have no intention of going out with but when I do met a girl I really like I seem to lose my mojo as well. I do all the right things to get them interested but then when it comes to it I just seem to freeze. It often ends up with me keeping my distance from them and then they lose interest.

Then I'm back with girls I don't intend on going out with and I feel bad that I'm just using them.

I think it comes down to when I really care about a girl I don't want to use them for sex but want to build up to it which would make it more meaningfull but I never tell them that.

LegacyUser

Well it happened again. Another foxy lady, another savage night, another mess up. Was buzzin wiv this chick at daft punk who was friend of friend, sound out lass an all, went to club and back to house party, having the laff wiv her back at the gaff. Well you know what happened. To make matter worse, she got pissed off and ended up shiftin another lad in front of me an the lads were all givin me some stick.

I feel like crap now. Whats happened here? Why cant I do it? Does anyone have any reasons, the ones above dont seem to fit right. Is there like some one who you can go to who can help with this like a hypnotist or something?

I am getting desperate here, I am afraid that this is permanent. Whats happening now seems to be feeding off itself and stuff...

Come on people, give us some feedback getting fed up with this. I know its not the worse problem out there but its my problem and is pissing me off something rotten.

Cheers!