poor conversationalist...

the_quiet_man

Hi,
Im having trouble both with males and females. Im very bad at chit chat when im out and hence fail to make many new male friends or score with girls...

Its a bit of a disaster.
I dont drink much if at all. I train a lot and thats all im interested in really so that seems to be all thats in my head. Unfortunately most ppl dont share this so i end p having nothing to talk about to people.

Now outwardly im good looking (i think ), nice body, smile etc but since i lack the basic conversational skills im in trouble. Im nice enouhg i imagine but stutter and stumble and make no sense. Or else i try to be too clever and come off as an asshole.

I've tried hard to change and be interested in what everyone is doing/saying but still i end up on the edge of a bunch of people and never stuck in the centre making new firends.

I would say i'm alone but not really lonely. bad bullying/acne in my youth kinda left me with this lack of confidence in myself. I was never good at chit chat though.

Some of my friends are really interesting and would chat the leg off a pot. Id love to be like this but i just cant do it. Very frustrating.

On the flip side though i dont mind being on my own. I learned years ago that the majority of ppl you meet are cruel and hurtful so if i dont meet/talk to other ppl i wouldnt be hurt. So monday - friday i train away on my own - sprinter/weightlifter and dont mind anything.

now as the winter is closing in its gonna get lonely a bit...

I know i can score (if i get locked&lucky) and i have a decent circle of friends that put up with my muteness but id like to be a better person and make ppl around me happy if i can. Is there anything i can do?

I lack confidence to go up to girls but this is due to the fact that i know any conversation will fizzle out. Normally i just say intro myself and then ask them to dance. you cant chat on the dance floor so im fine there. Ive become quiet a good dancer to get over my lack of conversation skills...

Dont get me wrong though - when i get into a person - i can chat like there's no tomorrow. But in terms of breaking the ice and chatting away to a stranger - im the worlds worst.

So any help??
Thanks
the quiet man...

irishshogun

The only answer really is to broaden your sphere of interests, read newspapers (actual newspaper not redtops, they're fine for gossipy type stuff and sports but world news!! I dont think so) try to be cultutraly aware see whats going on around you and the best advice I can give is to be interested in your friends topics even if you're not too aware of what they're talking about, you'll soon figure it out.
Best of luck.

pokerwidow

You know women like the strong slient type too. I married one. I would not be attracted to the man who constantly needs to be the centre of attention all the time. Be yourself and relax. Start chatting about the other person and ask some questions. Women usually like to talk about themselves or their friends. Best of luck and remember to be yourself.

the_quiet_man

strong silent type. thats me to a tee. im a quiet weightlifter Are there many more like you?? where?

it doesnt matter who/what you are - if you dont chat to a girl you wont score. And i can count on one hand the number of times i've gone up to a girl i dont know in a club and said even "hi" in the last 6 months. Being quiet just wont cut it.

As i've said the reason i dont do this is because i lack the confidnece in myself to strike up a decent conversation. If i start talking about whats in the newspapers, well thats gonna be the end of that chat fairly fast im sure.

I just lack the ability to Sh1te talk (for lack of a better word). Im too serious or something. Its prob because i dont drink. If i did i know itd take the edge off me and give me more confidence to talk the sh1te that people do in clubs. But i dont really want to say that i have to be drunk to score or meet some1 i like. Surely thats not the way its sposed to be...

L5

the_quiet_man wrote:

But i dont really want to say that i have to be drunk to score or meet some1 i like. Surely thats not the way its sposed to be...

Unfortunately in Ireland that's the way it is.

Colm_OReilly

Hi the_quiet_man,

Your problem is not uncommon. You probably think everyone else is having more fun. But just because people are talking doesn't necessarily mean they're connecting.

I've tried hard to change and be interested in what everyone is doing/saying but still i end up on the edge of a bunch of people and never stuck in the centre making new firends.

This is a good start. 2 things: How hard did you try at this, being interested instead of trying to be interesting? When you lift and you try to do a new one rep max or whatever, do you just give up if you can't do it, or do you continue to train and break your record in a few days/weeks/months time?

Also, it's quite difficult to go from the outside to the centre of attention.

I'm also guessing that you spend a lot of time in social situations focused on yourself: what you'll say; how you feel; what you could do to be more interesting; what you'd rather be doing, and spend very little time in the moment. Am I right?

i have a decent circle of friends that put up with my muteness but id like to be a better person and make ppl around me happy if i can. Is there anything i can do?

Thanks an admirable goal. And yes, there is plenty you can do! Even by making the decision to change your ways you've made progress. (Even if it doesn't feel like it now)

You're right, it is about confidence. And drink isn't necessarily the answer. If anything, it's the antithesis of it. So many girls are frustrated with drunk guys lecturing them in a nightclub. If a sober guys comes over, it's a breath of fresh air to most.

If you've any other questions, give me a shout!

Colm

Black Swan

Beside training, is there something else you really enjoy doing? Join a group that does it, especially if there are a good mix of single females and males.

Ickle Magoo

Like a lot of things, the art of conversation is a learnt skill & the more you do it the better you get. Keep trying and try defferent approaches until you find what suits you best. best of luck

Kell

the_quiet_man wrote:

So any help??

My best mate is painfully quiet. After 15 years, it is beginning to change.

The trick is to talk to EVERYONE that crosses your path. Thats it. Plain and simple.

Thats what he does.

Practise makes perfect man. You cant make conversation with people by wondering about it. You just have to do it.

K-

event

are you that ajax guy?

golden

you have got good answers it might help if you are into sports in anyway to pick a mixed team sport such as mixed tag rugby (its great fun). My boyfriend is a quiet one and would say I am quite until I get to know people.

You dont have any problems with your friends. In relation to stuttering try and slow down and relax and be yourself

Evil Phil

If you don't like talking about yourself then ask lots of questions about the person you're talking to. Meeting girls in clubs etc is a shíte way to meet imho. Join a club of some sort. Try something new perhaps like um... scuba diving or softball. Something that attracts your age group. Hillwalkers are bumbly old farts to avoid their clubs :eek:

Don't worry about being shy some women like the strong and silent type, as has already been said, and most women like a bit of vulnerablity in a man too. At least thats been my limited experience out here on the edge not talking to many people

mike65

Somone should start night classes in mindless pub small-talk, it would be sure fire hit, albeit a bit quite at first. I'm the same, I need a topic to discuss.

Mike.

Colm_OReilly

mike65 wrote:

Somone should start night classes in mindless pub small-talk, it would be sure fire hit, albeit a bit quite at first. I'm the same, I need a topic to discuss.

Mike.

Mmm, you've just given me an idea...

dr.bollocko

You say that once you get to know someone, you chat away. So is it that you are a poor conversationalist or that you lack the confidence to be chatty to someone you dont know?
It just seems, ok, you mentioned acne and bullying (hello, welcome to a little world called being a teenager) in school, and that now you are a bit more closed off as a person.
What with your body building going well and everything, its time to open up and look at the world again.
You said yourself you know you can chat away to someone you know, and you also said you have friends. Which means that what youre saying above about being a bad conversationalist is balls, and that you have the ability to chat with strangers, its a matter of confidence maybe?

Supercell

Kell wrote:

My best mate is painfully quiet. After 15 years, it is beginning to change.

The trick is to talk to EVERYONE that crosses your path. Thats it. Plain and simple.

Thats what he does.

Practise makes perfect man. You cant make conversation with people by wondering about it. You just have to do it.

K-

I know a guy that is MR POPULAR, everyone seems to like him. He's one of those guys that just clicks with people.
I never thought of it that way, but he does genuinly talk to EVERYONE that crosses his path, in the canteen he has a few friendly words to say to the girl serving, another few for the one at the tills (they all know his name and him theirs) its amazing to see and all seems to just be natural to him.

I dunno, I prefer a quiet lunch/break away from it all rather than being on the spotlight, though I suppose if you want to develop your conversational skills its all about talking..as the previous poster says to EVERYONE!, as long as you aren't rude.at least by talking to people that are not personaly important to you (person behind counter in shop etc) you are unconsiously developing your conversational skills. If you fall flat when experimenting, who cares..you don't - they don't really matter to you!!

bluto63

I would say that I am fairly similar to you when it comes to strangers. I just try to ask as many questions as possible, find something they like and throw in a few sentences here and there while getting them to continue talking. It works a fair amount.

dr.bollocko wrote:

You say that once you get to know someone, you chat away. So is it that you are a poor conversationalist or that you lack the confidence to be chatty to someone you dont know?

For me, it would be that I just don't know what to say to the person since I don't know what they are into

haunted-room

Im a pretty bad talker myself, very shy, not sure why that is....
And ive never approached a girl in a club at all, i dont even drink so no dutch courage for me!!
I dont really know if you can change your personality, i mean, if your quiet your quiet. Its unfortunat but cant do much about it im afraid.
And if you figure out how to, let me know:D

R0C0

haunted-room wrote:

i mean, if your quiet your quiet. Its unfortunat but cant do much about it im afraid.

Don't really agree with the above statement here, very few people find talking to strangers easy at first, like has been mentioned though.. its all about practice! You have to stop caring what other people think and just go for it, I personally hate small talk, but I realised its necessary in modern Ireland.. so I just practised and now find it easy (and helpful... though I still don't like it!).

If your talking to a stranger.. what do you stand to lose anyway??????

lau1247

haunted-room wrote:

Im a pretty bad talker myself, very shy, not sure why that is....
And ive never approached a girl in a club at all, i dont even drink so no dutch courage for me!!
I dont really know if you can change your personality, i mean, if your quiet your quiet. Its unfortunat but cant do much about it im afraid.
And if you figure out how to, let me know:D

ditto..
I felt the same way for a very long time..
It's like you want to change but somehow it always end up the same..
I'll probably try to broadning my horizon as suggested in the past few thread..

I don't think it'll last too long before it somehow revert back.. aye curamba

If anyone have any other idea.. pls share

Colm_OReilly

I dont really know if you can change your personality, i mean, if your quiet your quiet. Its unfortunat but cant do much about it im afraid.

At some point in your life you adopt a role to survive (get more positive attention, reduce the negative attention, etc) and over time you ingrain the habits. Later in life that role may not fit you but it by no means that you're stuck like that.

Yes, genetics play a part but it is ridiculously small compared to learnt behaviour (whether consciously controlled or not).

You can change, become more social, outoing, friendly, confident.

Colm

LegacyUser

the_quiet_man wrote:

Hi,
Im having trouble both with males and females. Im very bad at chit chat when im out and hence fail to make many new male friends or score with girls...

Its a bit of a disaster.
I dont drink much if at all. I train a lot and thats all im interested in really so that seems to be all thats in my head. Unfortunately most ppl dont share this so i end p having nothing to talk about to people.

Now outwardly im good looking (i think ), nice body, smile etc but since i lack the basic conversational skills im in trouble. Im nice enouhg i imagine but stutter and stumble and make no sense. Or else i try to be too clever and come off as an asshole.

I've tried hard to change and be interested in what everyone is doing/saying but still i end up on the edge of a bunch of people and never stuck in the centre making new firends.

I would say i'm alone but not really lonely. bad bullying/acne in my youth kinda left me with this lack of confidence in myself. I was never good at chit chat though.

Some of my friends are really interesting and would chat the leg off a pot. Id love to be like this but i just cant do it. Very frustrating.

On the flip side though i dont mind being on my own. I learned years ago that the majority of ppl you meet are cruel and hurtful so if i dont meet/talk to other ppl i wouldnt be hurt. So monday - friday i train away on my own - sprinter/weightlifter and dont mind anything.

now as the winter is closing in its gonna get lonely a bit...

I know i can score (if i get locked&lucky) and i have a decent circle of friends that put up with my muteness but id like to be a better person and make ppl around me happy if i can. Is there anything i can do?

I lack confidence to go up to girls but this is due to the fact that i know any conversation will fizzle out. Normally i just say intro myself and then ask them to dance. you cant chat on the dance floor so im fine there. Ive become quiet a good dancer to get over my lack of conversation skills...

Dont get me wrong though - when i get into a person - i can chat like there's no tomorrow. But in terms of breaking the ice and chatting away to a stranger - im the worlds worst.

So any help??
Thanks
the quiet man...

After reading that post i'm begining to wonder if I typed that in my sleep! Everything you wrote there is almost word for word what i'm like, i'm so scared and crap at talking to people its unreal. I know what my problem is, it's a complete lack of self-confidence. I don't shy away and never bother to say hello or start a bit of small talk but because i'm so edgy about whether they think i'm boring/uninteresting or not that makes me rubbish at conversations. Deep down, like you I was bullied in my teenage years as i was a soft target. When that happens to you when you're young and socially developing it damages you. I certainly get the impression that many people who i've met see me as unfriendly because i'm laid back and that couldn't be further from the truth! Unfortunately in my case i have a habit of always making friends who treat me like crap, being shy is bad enough but constantly ending ties with friends who you thought were your friends damages you even more, unfortunately i'm wary of everyone and everything now.

In your case at least you have a circle of friends, if they have stood by you there is obviously a good quality to you! I will say that you should use their friendship to an advantage as a platform to how you see yourself. Becoming self confident doesn't happen overnight, it's a long process that takes time and effort, it's simply about not giving a fcuk about how other people view you. You will mess up and stagger but learning how to overcome this with practice is the key. People like you or they don't and if you're content with who you are as a human being you know that then the latter aren't worth worrying about. I know i am unhappy as a person, i do suffer from depression which is my biggest obstacle to overcoming my social anxiety. If you are happy with life, happy within yourself there's nothing to stop you from becoming a ''social animal'', look on all your positives and make the most of your qualities, we all have them! Simply its a matter of not giving a damn. Now if only i could teach myself some of my own advice