Emotionally shut off

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this (i hope i did it right lol)

anyway I'm not sure if this is a problem or just my personality but i cant do relationships for any longer than 2 months. I guess its a problem if i dont want to end up alone.

I'm in my early 30's, female and have no problem meeting guys. I'd like to think and have been told anyway that i am good fun, attractive and fairly easy going.

I love the buzz of meeting someone new, the butterflies, the making the extra effort with your appearance etc. Doing nice things for them like cooking and being affectionate. Then all of a sudden it changes. I even remember a recent relationship i was cooking and being all nice and i actually got a sickening feeling thinking hes lapping this all up and you are gonna look stupid when he dumps you.

All of a sudden i start to become suspicious of their motives. I start giving them little tests to see how much they like me. I even go so far as to end it to see if they come back.

Most times they do come back and that reassures me for a while but then i get scared again that they are going to hurt me or they are just using me and it gets to the stage where i think i may even instigate rows so that they end it with me, and that just confirms what i thought and i can get over it really quickly because but that stage i have already shut them out and i say 'ha i knew it, they were gonna leave me or use me anyway'

I know this sounds awful i actually dont know it at the time but it is starting to become a familiar pattern now.

I dont know if its pride or fear but i cant seem to get past these issues. I have this need to be in control all the time. i constantly need to know the ending before its even begun.

As a result i end up in these casual relationships that are going nowhere cos the guy is not serious about me or has no intention of letting it go anywhere because its comfortable, its safe and the hurt is not really a heartbreak cos you know its coming and you can deal with it.

I know the ending already with these guys, i know how why when and where and my hurt has a cut off point.

but the nice guys dont stand a chance really.

i know what i have to do - i have to learn to let go and trust someone. but i am not sure exactly how you do that. I know i am missing the experience of real love and something with a bit of substance by avoiding the whole getting hurt thing.

It never bothered me until recently cos i let a really nice guy go. Thats when i took a long hard look at myself and my relationships as i knew it was time to stop blaming men and take responsibility for my own actions. All my relationships end the same in the same time frame and i finally realised that the only common denominator in them was ME!!

Pretty messed up!!

Any opinions, thanks.

PeterJL

It's a pity things are like this for you.

I would begin to wonder (and I hope this doesn't cause offence or
too much awkwardness) whether there is some unresolved root
to your mistrust of relationships. You may have to figure out if
there was some source of deep hurt in the past (before all of this
dating game) that might have seeded your distrust of relationships
going beyond a certain point. If so - then I guess you may have
to deal with that professionally or through help of strong friends
and acquaintances.

I've heard some people say that it is normal and natural for women
to test men to see if they really love them. However, I wonder if
it becomes habitual if it is more a symptom of some kind of self image
problem or some fatalistic way of avoiding intimacy and trust that
leads to a lifelong relationship.

I am sorry if I am rambling. This isn't advice as much as musings and
you may take succour in introspecting with some of those ideas in
mind. If there is something unresolved in your past (and there may not be at all) then I would say you will save a lot of longterm pain by confronting it rather than burying it and let it eat into the potential of forming happy
relationships.

Kell

Was there any catalyst to you starting to behave like this?

It seems a tad unusual that for no apparant reason you suddenly developed a fear of getting close to someone for fear of being dumped.

Did someone that you were head over heels about dump you?

Also, you could be just paranoid about being single. Some people want something so bad (like a relationship) that they put up the walls as you do as a defense mechanism against future rebuttal while failing to realise that the defense mechanism actually drives the other person away. Its a self fulfilling prophecy. If you believe you are going to be dumped, you will follow a course of action that will get you dumped.

My own advice is to wing it more and wear your heart on your sleeve. I prefer to get trampled on occasionally rather than a) disguise my feelings for someone or b) build walls around myself. No one wins when you do either of those things. Following A sends them into a spiral of wondering if you like them and B cuts them off. Lose, lose.

Advice- do a bit of soul searching. Rejection neednt have necessarily have come from a partner/lover whatever. It may have been from a parent, family member etc that sticks in your subconscience and makes you follow your current pattern.

Happy thinking.

K-

metrovelvet

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

anyway I'm not sure if this is a problem or just my personality but i cant do relationships for any longer than 2 months. I guess its a problem if i dont want to end up alone..

Maybe you do want to end up alone. What I mean by that is unconciously you may prefer the company of your internal sabateur than you do to men?

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I love the buzz of meeting someone new, the butterflies, the making the extra effort with your appearance etc. Doing nice things for them like cooking and being affectionate. Then all of a sudden it changes. I even remember a recent relationship i was cooking and being all nice and i actually got a sickening feeling thinking hes lapping this all up and you are gonna look stupid when he dumps you...

Everyone likes the early buzz until the fear creeps in. Do you just want to get to the punch first?

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

All of a sudden i start to become suspicious of their motives. I start giving them little tests to see how much they like me. I even go so far as to end it to see if they come back. ...

What you are doing is yo-yo ing someone and its not fair -in fact its borderline abusive. You cant expect people to read into your games if they dont come back. What comes after the yo-yo, walking the dog. No one can deal with this.

http://www.begin2spin.com/entry2.php?tid=43

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

Most times they do come back and that reassures me for a while but then i get scared again that they are going to hurt me or they are just using me and it gets to the stage where i think i may even instigate rows so that they end it with me, and that just confirms what i thought and i can get over it really quickly because but that stage i have already shut them out and i say 'ha i knew it, they were gonna leave me or use me anyway' ...

I would suggest you do some self esteem building before you proceed with anyone. For your own sanity and for whomever is on the receiving end of this. Why dont you just come out and say "look, Im really scared. I dont know how to do this. Its hard for me to be vulnerable," etc etc.

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I know this sounds awful i actually dont know it at the time but it is starting to become a familiar pattern now. ...

Its good that you are starting to be aware of it.

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I dont know if its pride or fear but i cant seem to get past these issues. I have this need to be in control all the time. i constantly need to know the ending before its even begun. ...

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

i know what i have to do - i have to learn to let go and trust someone. but i am not sure exactly how you do that. I know i am missing the experience of real love and something with a bit of substance by avoiding the whole getting hurt thing....

Start with yourself. It sounds like you just dont believe you are loveable and with these destructive tests you are looking for evidence, but these tests are by their nature destined for failure and while you are avoiding hurt, you are also inflicting it.

LegacyUser

No i'm not offended at all, i appreciate the replies.

I guess i have issues from childhood. I thought i had resolved them but maybe not. I didnt get much encouragement as a kid, a lot of put downs, so i strived to please everyone, guess i still do.

My first relationship was a disaster, he was manipulating, agressive, jealous and possessive. I was only 16 when i met him and had a hard time trying to break away from him. I thought his jealousy meant he must really love me. He'd put me down saying no-one else would want me, in order to keep me i guess but after a while i was convinced.

I havent had a long relationship since (think 6 months was the longest). I've worked hard to build up my confidence and self esteem.

I honestly dont know if i want a relationship. Sometimes i think i am happy with casual. It fulfills my need for company and sex. I dont sleep around but i have a really high sex drive (TMI SORRY!) But more times than not i end up feeling empty as despite the fact that a man will spend a couple of nights a week with me, going out, having a laugh, he still wont do the relationship thing with me which in turns knocks my confidence even further.

vicious circle!!

Kell

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I guess i have issues from childhood. I thought i had resolved them but maybe not. I didnt get much encouragement as a kid, a lot of put downs,

Tends to knock the crap out of your self esteem doesnt it? Outwardly you can be grand but your subconscious is telling you your crap.

Perhaps a short stint of professional help to address the past mightn't be a bad idea.

K-

metrovelvet

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I guess i have issues from childhood. I thought i had resolved them but maybe not. I didnt get much encouragement as a kid, a lot of put downs, so i strived to please everyone, guess i still do.!!

You should think about which parent or who handed out the put downs. Then consider that you are drawn to receiving those same feelings because you are trying to reconnect with that same person who was the source of those put downs.

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I havent had a long relationship since (think 6 months was the longest). I've worked hard to build up my confidence and self esteem..!!

Im sorry but I dont quite believe you. Im sure you have put some effort in, but if you were putting real hard work into it, you would be mindful not to fall into usual patterns. Its hard as hell. You need to fight for it. Its like fighting with yourself. Personify your sabateur and you will know what I mean.

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I honestly dont know if i want a relationship. Sometimes i think i am happy with casual. It fulfills my need for company and sex...!!

No. It satisfies your sabateurs need to see you down. It satisfies your need to reconnect with that part of your life that made you feel empty.

To love someone is a risk, to be loved is a responsibility. Perhaps it's these things you want to avoid. Perhaps you want to remain a toddler? I dont mean that insultingly, though its sounds it. Its just that most of us are toddlers inside until something forces us to evolve.

cant_do_LTRs wrote:

I dont sleep around but i have a really high sex drive (TMI SORRY!) But more times than not i end up feeling empty as despite the fact that a man will spend a couple of nights a week with me, going out, having a laugh, he still wont do the relationship thing with me which in turns knocks my confidence even further.!!

Everyone has a high sex drive in early stages. Have you been in a relationship long enough to know the path of your sex drive after the razzle dazzle wears off? When your priorites of sex and company change or at least are expanded to include things like, loyalty, personal growth, challenge, and illumination, then this Im afraid is what you will end up settling for, someone who wont do the relationship thing with you.

Come on! Fight for what you need, fight for what you want. If you dont believe you deserve it, no one else will.

Marksie

It is very possible that the childhood issues have affected you on a very deep level. So much so that you fear true intimacy and are frightened of being vulnerable. As a result you are very wary of being hurt. Of opening up to someone and always questioning their motives.

You have realised these issues within yourself which is a positive first step. But before you can alter the behaviour you have to re-examine yourself and not necesarily your self esteem or image, but your inner motives for the repetetive behaviour pattern.

Professional advice may be a good start, either counselling to resolve issues or a term i heard recently coaching.

Essentially we all have all thrown up a protective shell around each other through our lives. It has been described as thick walls of protection and one term for it is the ego. It is unfortunate that in your case these defenses were thrown up at an early age and thickened with time. It is not an easy process to break these down, but it can be done and the first stage is to connect again with what is behind those walls.

Ther is a quote i am very fond of saying unfortunately it is a truism, its essentially in three parts and i will quote it again here:

"If you want to recieve love be loving. If you want the other to open up, be open and vulnerable. If you want your partner to be an ecstatic lover, become one yourself"

Metrovelvet has made some very good points. But as for the toddler.. there is another way of looking at it. As a toddler you are very open to love and mirror it back. Its as we grow we throw up defensive barriers. So to some extent at that level..attempt to go back to something approaching the toddler stage.

Hopefully whichever path you choose to overcome this yiou may lok back at the "golden" rule and understand it fully.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply i can see a lot of thought went into them.

you've all thrown up some extremely good points and some of them are pretty close to home. (Metrovelvet, very precise - its like you know me personally!!)

i would never intentionally hurt someone, i'm a good person but i can see how my behavouir would indeed hurt someone else who had no idea what the hell was going on.

I've managed to maintain friendships with a couple of my ex's, really nice friendships actually because they know i am a good person, they saw through my crap and although i am a crap girlfriend i make a pretty good friend LOl.

I do want to change. I feel my life ticking by and everyone and everything around me is evolving except me. I'm not geting any younger, theres only so long i can keep up these shallow meaningless relationship.

I'm starting coaching soon but i found counselling too stressful.
thanks again.

Kell

metrovelvet wrote:

No. It satisfies your sabateurs need to see you down.

Thats a little unfair to assume that various lovers are sabateurs. How are they to know of the OP's issues unless she tells them, which she wont for fear of rejection.

K-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Thats a little unfair to assume that various lovers are sabateurs. How are they to know of the OP's issues unless she tells them, which she wont for fear of rejection.

K-

Kell i think metrovelvet was refering to the OP internal saboteur not to her lovers

metrovelvet

Yes I was referring to an internal sabateur.

Kell

metrovelvet wrote:

Yes I was referring to an internal sabateur.

The internal parental voice eh? Always the hardest to switch off.

K-

metrovelvet

No. Its that part of you which does things to destroy your chances of happiness. It could be parental but not always.

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

The internal parental voice eh? Always the hardest to switch off.

K-

Parents sure f**k us up dont they lol

The thing i dont understand is i love them very much. We have a fairly good relationship now and its been a long long time since they've put me down.

why is it still affecting me?

I have confronted them in the past and my mother (who due to illness is not the same woman she once was) loves me very very much and feels guilty. Thats not what i want for her.

I do find i have distanced myself from them a lot emotionally. We (my mother and i) can text the words i love you to each other every night before bed but saying it to each others face is another matter.

Only last week she text and asked 'Do you blame me for the way you turned out'

I laughed to myself, i think i am a fairly well adjusted member of society!! I work, love my friends, do voluntary work etc

I replied what do you mean. She said all your failed relationships!!

I just replied no i am an adult i am responsible for my own choices. I dont want to be one of those people that blame everything and everyone else for their shortcomings.