old and depressed

Starbella

hi everyone. can anyone help me, im feeling very very down at the moment, i have recently turned 30 and now i think that my looks have gone. i used to be very good looking and people used to look my way all the time but now when i look in the mirror all i see is wrinkles and extra weight. i dont look nice in anything i wear. i dont know what my boyfriend sees in me. he should be with someone younger and more attractive. when im out all i do is look at other girls and envy thier looks, clothes, confidence. there are some very pretty younger girls working with my boyfriend and then he comes home and has to look at me. its not fair on him.

im sorry that this post is so shallow, i honestly dont want to feel like this. im at a point now where i dont want to go out any more. just want to stay in and feel sorry for myself. does anyone ever feel like this. please help me..

stovelid

Hi Starbella, I think you would get a much better response on the Personal Issues forum.

Starbella

oh no thats where i meant to post it. can you move it for me please mods? thanks

Ruu_Old

Moved from AH.

Lorax

Jus chill out, your bf wouldnt go out wit ya if he didnt like ya.

free2fly

Has something in particular happened to make you feel like this? 30 is certainly not old! My god you have your whole life ahead of you. It appears that you have lost your confidence somewhere along the way. Is it because you have put on a bit of weight? Perhaps you should take up walking or biking. It will help to clear your mind and you will also have the benefit of toning up your body. Has your bf been talking about the girls at work? Or has he said something about your appearance? You say that you don't like the way things look on you now. Perhaps you could go out and buy some new clothes? That always makes me feel better I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Women go through changes all the time. I look at the woman around me who are in their 40s and 50s and they're still beautiful. Look at Jacklyn Smith from the Charlie's Angels TV show. She's 60! And she still gorgeous. You need to stop looking at yourself in the mirror so much if it is depressing you so much. Go out and have your hair cut and buy some new clothes. Maybe go to Arnotts for a makeover. Do something to make yourself feel better! You're the only one who can do that you know. PM me if you want to. I can give you some easy suggestions on how to pull yourself up and back on the right track.

Trinity

Hey there

sorry to hear you are feeling so down!!

Your post is not shallow its a fact of life - turning 30 for some people is hard.

Listen i turned 30 last year and i was not too happy about it. i know its not easy but you dont just suddenly develop wrinkles and lose your looks overnight honestly!

Apparently 30 is the new 20 :rolleyes:

Is there something happening in other areas of your life that is causing you to be unhappy?

Are you under pressure regarding marriage and children, i always got the lecture - you should be married at your age!! what? you dont have a boyfriend???? - that made me feel like a failure.

So ok - you THINK you have lost your looks. What are you doing to make yourself feel better?

New clothes? SOme wrinkle cream? A day at the spa? Or weekend if you've got a birthday coming up!

By reinforcing these thoughts it will spiral, you will start to believe it more, you will get into a rut, and maybe yes you might even give yourself some wrinkles with the stress of it all - do ya see where i am going with this?

Have you spoken to your boyfriend at all about this? Has he passed any comments about your appearance?

30 really really isnt old at all.

After my stint of god i am old -i put things into perspective i thought ok - on the 12th December i was 29, i wore sixe 10, had a couple of laugh lines around the eyes. I loved going out and having a laugh.

THE NEXT DAY - i was 30. Still fitting into yesterdays clothes, no more laugh lines than i had yesterday and i still loved going out and having a laugh.

Its just a number and when you get out and start having fun again you will realise you are no different than you were last week or last month - the only thing that has changed is your frame of MIND!!

If this pep talk doesnt help, get into the gym, go shopping, get your hair done and talk to your boyfriend!! Whatever it takes to make you feel sexy and attractive!!

Good luck.

Starbella

Thanks to everyone for thier replys. no nothing has happened to make me feel like this. my boyfriend is lovely and very supportive. he just thinks im having a tantrum when i get upset but i dont think he realises how upset i really am. also my job is getting me down. im a hairdresser with over 10 years so im fairly established but it has always been a dream of mine to join the garda siochana. now they are recruiting and i cant apply cos i feel im too old to start again and be moved away from my boyfriend. so sad at the moment

Trinity

Starbella you are not too old to join the garda. YOu can join up to the age of 35.

Go for your dream if you let the years slip by it will be too late.

get onto publicjobs.ie now and apply!!!!

you will only be in templemore for a few weeks. It will be worth it honestly.

You can see him weekends. whats a few weeks out of the rest of your life.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life making other people look good and listening to their stories and making small talk??

Think about it.

Starbella

no trinity its not im too old..... i know that i can apply up to 35...... its not that its that i will be moved to another part of the country away from my family and boyfriend and then my boyfriend will meet someone else and ill be even more depressed.

Trinity

well i dont know your relationship history but do you not trust him?

DO you not have faith that he will wait for you or move to be with you?

its not written in stone that you will be moved to the country!

its the rest of your life to think about.

how long are you with him?

gutta

Starbella wrote:

please help me..

Hi Starbella,

Go to your GP to see if s/he thinks you're clinically depressed. Go tomorrow, don't hang about. Assuming she doesn't think you're depressed, go out and get some exercise. Lots of exercise. Get those endorphins flowing, it's amazing how good you'll start feeling about yourself VERY quickly. Excercise. Walk up the mountains, breathe some fresh air. Quit smoking. Stop eating wheat, eat more fish. How's your diet? The Gardai will accept you that much soomer of your fit, both physicaly and mentally. Your bf will love the difference in you. Get him to go walking with you. Visit Glendalough, climb up the waterfall. look a t the view. life is brilliant, you're young GO FOR IT!

I'm mid 40s and am still having a ball. So is my wife, after three kids she's still a babe. Life is long, life is good and you're only a KID!!!

Trinity

gutta wrote:

Hi Starbella,

Go to your GP to see if s/he thinks you're clinically depressed. Go tomorrow, don't hang about. Assuming she doesn't think you're depressed, go out and get some exercise. Lots of exercise. Get those endorphins flowing, it's amazing how good you'll start feeling about yourself VERY quickly. Excercise. Walk up the mountains, breathe some fresh air. Quit smoking. Stop eating wheat, eat more fish. How's your diet? The Gardai will accept you that much soomer of your fit, both physicaly and mentally. Your bf will love the difference in you. Get him to go walking with you. Visit Glendalough, climb up the waterfall. look a t the view. life is brilliant, you're young GO FOR IT!

I'm mid 40s and am still having a ball. So is my wife, after three kids she's still a babe. Life is long, life is good and you're only a KID!!!

That is very good advice - except for the doctor part - do not take any little red pills a doctor gives you without trying out other avenues first.

they are a last resort. I'd say you are more likely in a rut. If he says you are clinically depressed he will refer you to a shrink or put you on pills - NOT the answer.

i went to the doc a while back he prescribed little red anti depressants - i threw them down the sink and helped myself. Now i thank god i am not addicted to them - i am fine cos i got up off my ass.

help yourself. SIt down and think about what you want from this life. if you need guidance talk to family or friends although i feel an outsider is always best.

try life coaching if you feel a lack of motivation or dont know where to start.

but ask yourself why you are unhappy and work in baby steps to rid your life of what is not good and fill your life with what is.

Wex1

Good advice from Trinity,

Why don't you get it all out and prioritise what's dragging you down the most, it's hard to do everything at once, just pick one thing and get that right then on to the next.

If you need help figuring all this out, ring a helpline, they're trained to do this kind of thing and totally anonymous and confidential.

A friend either, or write it all down,but a telephone helpline would be good if you'd rather sound off on a stranger and like I said they're trained (anyone can answer you on the web or on forums such as this) to help you sort out your priorities, getting to the bottom of a problem. There are plenty out there, AWARE, Grow, Bodywhys,etc

Just remember its always better to talk, even on the boards here,

metrovelvet

There's nothing worse than too late. But guess what? It's never ever too late.

I think what your feeling is the price of dreaming and the brighter its sun the starker its shadow. You're feeling your chances slipping by with every year. Take action. We are afraid really of our own power, the way we feel at the top of a high wall, knowing we can jump, but we rarely do.

As Langston Hughes asked:

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore--

As for your looks, no one is judging you except for you. If you want to keep the years at bay, the best things are excersize, fruits and vegetables and a healthy dose of immaturity. Fill your body with lots of sunshine enriched foods and fill your heart with music.

And with this, as with anything else, one surefire way to make yourself miserable is to start comparing your life with other people's. The hardest thing in the world to do is be and accept yourself. Be brave, be you.

And BTW Happy Birthday!

CathyMoran

When I turned 30 I got rid of all of my mini-skirts except for the ones that I had sentimental reasons to hold onto - it cost me a absolute fortune buying ones to replace the ones that I had chucked out. 30 is not old.

I used 30 as a starting point to change my life. You should go for your dream job. If your boyfriend and you can not stick together over this then he is not the right person for you, he should support your dreams. So what if the worst happens and he does not stay, he is not right for you then, you can always find someone new, 30 is not too old to start again. I get chatted up far more now than in my 20's as I am more confident in myself and have a better figure, I did have reason to find someone new when I was 29 and had no problems doing so. Kick start your life!

JC 2K3

Trinity1 wrote:

That is very good advice - except for the doctor part - do not take any little red pills a doctor gives you without trying out other avenues first.

they are a last resort. I'd say you are more likely in a rut. If he says you are clinically depressed he will refer you to a shrink or put you on pills - NOT the answer.

i went to the doc a while back he prescribed little red anti depressants - i threw them down the sink and helped myself. Now i thank god i am not addicted to them

That's a very narrow minded and misinformed approach to antidepressants. Not all are addictive and they help millions of people cope with depression without damaging them in any way. You also fail to see that the point of anti depressants is simply a temporary aid to help conquer the depression rather than "happy pills" you take for the rest of your life. Same goes for therapy. Why try other avenues? Take the easy way out

Oh and OP, there's no advice anyone here can give you that's gonna instantly solve your problems, you've gotta stop moping and regretting the past, I used to dwell on the past and think about chances I wasted when I was younger but I'm past that now and happy. Focus on your good points, surely there's more to your life than looking good? Surely you can see that there are good things ahead of you?

If you still feel the same after a month or two and thnk you may be clinically depressed then go to the doctor.

Exon

Will ya go away out of that, you're still only a young one. I'm 19 and depressed ;p

I'm sure you're alright looking, no one can be perfect, just be happy to be the way ya are. Imagine being someone who had an accident with fire etc on their face. Could be alot worse tbh!

Trinity

JC 2K3 wrote:

That's a very narrow minded and misinformed approach to antidepressants. Not all are addictive and they help millions of people cope with depression without damaging them in any way. You also fail to see that the point of anti depressants is simply a temporary aid to help conquer the depression rather than "happy pills" you take for the rest of your life. Same goes for therapy. Why try other avenues? Take the easy way out

Oh and OP, there's no advice anyone here can give you that's gonna instantly solve your problems, you've gotta stop moping and regretting the past, I used to dwell on the past and think about chances I wasted when I was younger but I'm past that now and happy. Focus on your good points, surely there's more to your life than looking good? Surely you can see that there are good things ahead of you?

If you still feel the same after a month or two and thnk you may be clinically depressed then go to the doctor.

Yes ok that is great advice do nothing for yourself and take anti depressants without even being diagnosed with depression, i mean you have only been depressed a short while not enough to be diagnosed with clinical depression and you have reached a milestone in your age and are unhappy with your career - things that can be worked on but hey why waste time take his advice and go get yourself some pills.

problem solved.

Way to go JC_2K3 do you do private consultations??

Black Swan

Hi Starbella !
Do you workout? I've found that when things get me down, a good workout helps a lot. I do taekwondo. I feel so much better after, and I believe that it will keep you fit and looking more attractive over time. And if you were to join the garda someday, a martial art with self-defense potential may be of interest? You might want to check out the MA forum under Sports on these boards? Just a thought.

dudara

Trinity1 and JC_2K3: Cop yourselves on and keep the bickering out of this thread.

Taking anti-depressants is a personal choice. What may work for one person may not work for another. Leave the arguments out of it.

Mad Mike

Hi Starbella

For many people the thirties are the most important and productive decade of their lives. The crazy ephemeral pursuits, relationships and ultimately pointless running around of the twenties eventually settle down and finally you start to build your own real life - the one you get to keep. It is a time of life that is hugely engrossing, tremendously challenging and hard hard work but it is also immensely rewarding. You really are a grown up now - not just a child in a grown up's body. Woman - you don't have time to feel sorry for yourself. You have a life to live so get to it!

And as for that nonsense about your boyfriend fancying younger girls at the office - just ask any 19 year old hunk in his sexual prime whether or not he would prefer a ditzy teenager or a mature woman of thirty!!!

Marksie

A lot of posters have given good advice about following your dreams (go for it) and changing things about yourself.

It stems around an issue about how you feel about yourself, your looks and your manner. your view of yourself is skewing how you feel about others and also how YOU believe others feel about you.

Change starts from within yourself, we all feel at times that we do not live up to the ideal. But learning literally to love the skin you are in is a major part of turning this around.
I have turned 42 and life soemwhat different that from my 20s and into my 30s. But it is better than ever and fullof challenges... because i looked at myself and just enjoyed me for me.
If you Wish you can PM and i will give you some information on how you can begin the process.

Hippo

OP, first of all, 30 isn't old, even though it may feel like that. I'm 46 and I think I only probably grew up in my late 30s! Your feelings of depression need attention, whether from a doctor or a counsellor. If your self-esteem is so low that you're constantly worried about your boyfriend running off with someone else then you need to address the problem. Going exercising will make you feel a little fitter but unless you deal with the emotions underlying your depression you're only sweeping the problem under the carpet.
As a start talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. Stop projecting your worries on to him, you can't assume he's going to disappear as soon as your back is turned.
Think seriously about some form of counselling, it sounds like you need to talk to someone about your feelings, especially someone ideally outside your situation, not a friend. Feeling this down, you owe it to yourself to try and get to the bottom of it. There's lots you can do. All the best

Miss Fluff

CathyMoran wrote:

I used 30 as a starting point to change my life. You should go for your dream job. If your boyfriend and you can not stick together over this then he is not the right person for you, he should support your dreams. So what if the worst happens and he does not stay, he is not right for you then, you can always find someone new, 30 is not too old to start again.

Great advice. I think you can decide your path going forward. You can get stuck in a rut and feel terribly maudlin that you are THIRTY YEARS OLD:eek: or you can merely view it as a number and be glad that you have matured and will no longer experience the angst and insecurities that you did in your teens/early twenties.:) It is SUCH an exciting time for you! If you want to join the Guards, do. What's stopping you? Grab life by the balls and go and live it, it's all about your state of mind.

JC 2K3

Trinity1 wrote:

Yes ok that is great advice do nothing for yourself and take anti depressants without even being diagnosed with depression, i mean you have only been depressed a short while not enough to be diagnosed with clinical depression and you have reached a milestone in your age and are unhappy with your career - things that can be worked on but hey why waste time take his advice and go get yourself some pills.

problem solved.

Way to go JC_2K3 do you do private consultations??

You clearly misread my post, nowhere did I recommend that the OP take anti-depressants if she wasn't diagnosed as clinically depressed....

(Will not contribute further to this OT argument)

Trinity

Apologies OP for taking this post off topic

i was thinking this morning have you considered the garda reserves in the meantime?

By the time they begin recruiting next year you will have a proper grasp of whether or not this is going to be the life for you. Plus your experience in the reserves would, i'm sure, help with your application?

just an idea, whatever you decide i hope you feeling better soon.

smallpaws

30 years old is young! there's an old saying that life begins at 40 and they're right. The years will just get better and better. Address the underlying fear, etc, you have about time passing,etc, and see a counsellor and don't let this prey on your mind. Time passes whether you stress out or not,so why not be happy?- as you age you become wiser and happier with yourself as a person.:D

jos28

Hi Starbella,
Use your 30th as an opportunity to take stock of your life, have a look around you and see what you have achieved in your 30 years. Do you want to be in the same place for your 40th ? Same job, same boyfriend etc.
A big birthday is a great chance to make decisions to do something new. When I was approaching 40 I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, so I lost weight, changed hairdressers, bought a load of new clothes and gave myself a boost. It's not shallow but it can help give you confidence to take bigger steps.
If you have an inkling to join the Gardai, just apply and see what happens. I know someone who went to Templemore at the ripe old age of 33 and is loving it. There is nothing worse in life than regrets. Just imagine being 50 and looking back, saying I wish I did..., I could have been.., if only.
The only thing that will depress you will be staying in a rut, get out there, take chances and enjoy the adventure.

Starbella

i just want to thank everyone for taking the time to reply to me. im a bit overwhelmed to be honest because no body seems to take me seriously when i feel a bit down but here you all seem to.
i am going to start exercising. think its about time i did something anyway! still very afraid to change my career though. had a big cry tonight so feel a bit better after it.