Poem, C&C welcome

Argie

Hi,
This is a poem I've been working on. I wanted to try this kind of tight rhyme scheme, let me know if you think it works and what you think of the piece overall. Thanks.

It’s a feeling that hits you right down round your heart
It flies down your spine and could tear you apart
You don’t know will it end, can’t remember the start
You try to spill feelings into meaningless art
But the days will stay long and the nights will stay hard
And as long as you hurt you’ll get ever more scarred
You’ll spend your life watching and always on guard
Till you’re a shadow, an extra where you should have starred
You wish you could scream, wish the tears would come faster
But they’ll stick in your eyes, the annoying wee bastards
You’re mother won’t notice, you never did ask her
And in the dark you won’t find happily ever after
But you’ll sit and you’ll wait, through the longest of days
And when the wait makes you crazy you’ll think of bad ways
To try and forget, to disappear in a haze
Of people and liquor, in a mad hatters blaze
And they’ll make the world softer, in less than an hour
You won’t feel so trapped, you won’t need to cower
In your tumbledown mind, with your thoughts growing sour
For a while, just a while, you’ll have the power
Till the castle is breached and the walls start to crumble
Till the thunders of destruction surround you and rumble
And your bubble in melting and your thoughts start to jumble
And locked out of your mind you trip and you stumble
The best thing that could happen would be to pass out and sleep
Coz you can’t climb the mountain, the sides are to steep
So you try to go round it, you crawl and you creep
But you fail and collapse, wakeful, in an angular heap
Your skin’s torn and slashed, your blood it is flowing
And your pain and confusion are growing and growing
What you’ve done to yourself you have no way of knowing
But at last your wild thoughts are getting quiet and slowing
Until you’re lying still, you stare at the ceiling
And forcible numbness is all that you’re feeling
And your head it is rolling, your mind it is reeling
And your wounds are coming no closer to healing
For days, months or years, you may float ‘mong the living
May seem cheerful, outgoing, may seem loving and giving
But you know your head will be filled with misgivings
The alarm of unrest will be ceaselessly trilling
You can see such a life, looking down the dark road
Which you cannot walk down, not with such a load
For they will come to fruition, the poisons you’ve sowed
And you’ll be paid tenfold the horrors you’re owed.

OneStepMore

It’s a feeling that hits you right down round your heart
Nice opening, immediately hits you with the sudden rush of agony, and is totally appropriate for the breathless pace of the poem. You've completely evoked the right atmostphere in the opening line.

It flies down your spine and could tear you apart
Not really a fan of linking mental anguish with physical pain as so many writers like to do. It strips the ailments of the mind of all their mystery and uncertainty and defining them so blandly means they can lose the horrific effect you're going for.

You don’t know will it end, can’t remember the start
You try to spill feelings into meaningless art
Love these 2 lines, especially that second one. It's a nice little bitter reversal of the commonly held myth that suffering breeds great art. Suffering can just be suffering, as useless as it is painful. I like it.

But the days will stay long and the nights will stay hard
And as long as you hurt you’ll get ever more scarred
great again, most people going on about the one way downhill road that is depression don't get any more profound than crap about wounds not seeming to heal. You express it infinitely better. Again though, don't like the imagery of scars and wounds. I love the spirit of the line itself, the message of pain leaving a gateway for other worse pains as it's legacy, but the images you chose are just too cliched.

You’ll spend your life watching and always on guard
Till you’re a shadow, an extra where you should have starred
I kinda got this as the central part of the poem. From here on, the slope turns to freefall and the person begins to become dehumanised, a truly pitiful creature. We;ve already seen the skin splitting, now it seems all possibility of redemption and all unnursed seeds of hope have fallen away and the shadow is all that remains. So I think maybe you could have given a few lines more to explaining as to how fear (of failure or rejection) paralyses and ultimately destroys the soul. To truly understand the depths of the psyche, we must be shown how things can progress from merely bad to truely awful. I don't think you did this as clearly as you could have.

You wish you could scream, wish the tears would come faster
But they’ll stick in your eyes, the annoying wee bastards
I love this poem, I really do. Wish i could have written about you for the LC instead of fecking Micheal Longley. So that's way I really did groan at the wee bastards bit. Just when the poem is approaching it's stormy climax, you throw in a frivolous, playful line that totally ruins the momentum built up by the darkening of tone and the repitition of "wish". Please lose it!

You’re mother won’t notice, you never did ask her
And in the dark you won’t find happily ever after
But you’ll sit and you’ll wait, through the longest of days
And when the wait makes you crazy you’ll think of bad ways
Yep. well put. Doesn't romanticise depression, shows it as the banal, hidden, drawn-out horror it is. Shows us where the need for self-destruction arises from, as the mind is so tortured it craves any kind of short term escape, with no wider view of preservation. The person is losing his ability to make choices with anything but instant gratification in mind, so important has stopping the pain become.


And theTo try and forget, to disappear in a haze
Of people and liquor, in a mad hatters blaze
The mad hatter wasn't really a grim enough character for this to work. His madness is far removed from what you're trying to get at.

They’ll make the world softer, in less than an hour
You won’t feel so trapped, you won’t need to cower
In your tumbledown mind, with your thoughts growing sour
For a while, just a while, you’ll have the power
Nothing but praise for these lines.

Till the castle is breached and the walls start to crumble
Till the thunders of destruction surround you and rumble
And your bubble in melting and your thoughts start to jumble
And locked out of your mind you trip and you stumble
Like it. Madness evicting you from your brain and tossing you out into the storm, destroying all the pegged down constants of your conscious mind.

The best thing that could happen would be to pass out and sleep
Coz you can’t climb the mountain, the sides are to steep
So you try to go round it, you crawl and you creep
But you fail and collapse, wakeful, in an angular heap
Your skin’s torn and slashed, your blood it is flowing
And your pain and confusion are growing and growing
What you’ve done to yourself you have no way of knowing
But at last your wild thoughts are getting quiet and slowing
Until you’re lying still, you stare at the ceiling
And forcible numbness is all that you’re feeling
And your head it is rolling, your mind it is reeling
And your wounds are coming no closer to healing
For days, months or years, you may float ‘mong the living
May seem cheerful, outgoing, may seem loving and giving
But you know your head will be filled with misgivings
The alarm of unrest will be ceaselessly trilling
You can see such a life, looking down the dark road
Which you cannot walk down, not with such a load
For they will come to fruition, the poisons you’ve sowed
And you’ll be paid tenfold the horrors you’re owed.

And a fitting ending. The poem has a narrative about it rare in depressive descriptions. No rambling, just logic. Agony leads to destruction, destruction leads to nothingness and numbness. The poem almost floats to it's ending in terms of language, but the constant jabbing rhymes inhibit any peacefulness
from developing.
Intriuging last line as well. I;ve reread the poem, and I can't find any part up to this which in any way holds the depressed person responsible for what has happened. The final line magnifys horror by showing us the eternity of pain that awaits, but I just think it would be more effective if you included something earlier in the poem which stopped us from sympathising totally with the person. You paint them as a confused helpless entity ravaged by feeling and nature, and then throw a very accusatory line at them at the end. But for what? I thought the poem was about the terror of an idiot universe, where dark forces destroy certain lives seemingly at random. But now I'm not sure if you meant to hint at a retributary force at work. Would love you to clarify if you don;t mind, it could just be me missing or misinterpreting something in the poem.

Sorry if i rambled on, but i think this is fantastic. I've still got my leaving cert poetry critical head on so I've probably nitpicked way too much there, but believe me, I love it. The rythm of the poem is especially good.

Outcast

It's a solid poem, really lets the reader know how what you're talking about feels. Good work.

trilo

I really like it. when reaidng it i was brought right into the person's feelings of what was going on. so sad, emotive, descriptive and true.

Odaise Gaelach

Great poem Argie.

shiv

Hi Argie,
Normally I don't go for such strictly rhyming poems, but the first half of yours makes me reconsider...I agree with the in-depth, very detailed poster (very impressive by the way!) and some of your choices of metaphors could be improved upon, but overall, it reads nicely and is well-paced

Argie

Thanks everyone. I've changed the poem around a bit. Here's the updated version. Let me know what you think.

It’s a feeling that hits you right down round your heart
It flies down your spine and could tear you apart
You don’t know will it end, can’t remember the start
You try to spill feelings into meaningless art
But the days will stay long and the nights will stay hard
And your mind will be ravaged, blackened and charred
The face in the mirror will seem hopelessly marred
You’ll always have doubt in a needling shard
And you’ll never make up that one extra yard
So you’ll spend your life watching and always on guard
Till you’re a shadow, an extra where you should have starred
You wish you could scream, wish the tears would come faster
But they’ll stick in your eyes, your face frozen in plaster
You’re mother won’t notice, you never did ask her
And alone you won’t find happily ever after
But you’ll sit and you’ll wait, through the longest of days
And when the wait makes you crazy you’ll think of bad ways
To try and forget, to disappear in a haze
Of people and liquor, in a mad hatters blaze
And they’ll make the world softer, in less than an hour
You won’t feel so trapped, you won’t need to cower
In your tumbledown mind, with your thoughts growing sour
For a while, just a while, you’ll have the power
Till the castle is breached and the walls start to crumble
Till the thunders of destruction surround you and rumble
And your bubble in melting and your thoughts start to jumble
And locked out of your mind you trip and you stumble
The best thing that could happen would be to pass out and sleep
Coz you can’t climb the mountain, the sides are to steep
So you try to go round it, you crawl and you creep
But you fail and collapse, wakeful, in an angular heap
Your skin’s torn and slashed, your blood it is flowing
And your pain and confusion are growing and growing
What you’ve done to yourself you have no way of knowing
But at last your wild thoughts are getting quiet and slowing
Until you’re lying still, you stare at the ceiling
And forcible numbness is all that you’re feeling
And your head it is rolling, your mind it is reeling
And your wounds are coming no closer to healing
For days, months or years, you may float ‘mong the living
You may seem quite cheerful; life might look quite fulfilling
But you know your head will be filled with misgiving
The alarm of unrest will be ceaselessly trilling
You can see such a life, looking down the dark road
There’s a wall at the end, where the light should have glowed
You’ve got to walk down, irresistibly towed
But can’t bear to keep going, not with such a load.

lilmissprincess

I love this...