Worried about my wife

LegacyUser

We've been married the last ten years and I love her madly and want to be with her always, she says she doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me, but I know she must as she loved me before. I try and get close to her but she keeps pushing me away, she says she wants a seperation but i have the children 8 and 6 to think about, she has no job and has no close friends or family. I know she will do the right thing and stay with me. I'm not all that bad. I just can't understand her wanting to break up the family just because of her wims, I told her I'd meet her half way and continue paying her way as long as she shows me some kind of affection and maybe has sex with me once a week or so. Is that too much to ask, I work hard for this family I'm in work fron 8 to 7 most days is a bit of affection to much to ask in return.

The_Conductor

At the end of the day it does not matter how much you want the marriage to work, or affection from your wife- if she has indeed moved on, there is very little that you can do about it. Trying to convince her to stay in a relationship where she is unhappy- solely for the sake of the kids, is not going to make her love you anymore......

You really need to sit down with a totally independent person and both of you talk through where you are. The fact that you have been a good father and love your wife- while admirable, is neither here nor there.

I can appreciate where you are at- and indeed can also relate to your thinking that its something that she is going through and that she will change her mind at the other end- but it is not something that you can rely on, and is not a healthy basis on which to continue your relationship with her, or indeed a sound foundation on which to bring up your kids.

Some of the organisations, such as Accord, run counselling courses where you can sit down and discuss things in a non-judgemental manner. It might be something that you may consider?

Donegal Lass

Cant really give you much advice on this as this isnt exactly an area im experienced in, but if i was to advise, id say let her go! i have a friend who was kind of in the same position, with younger kids but he was the one who wanted to leave! His wife was still in love with him and wanted him to stay but he knew he wasnt happy. She moved out and to be honest things are a lot better between them now. It wasnt easy but time heals and things get easier.

I wouldnt advise you go down the road of telling her you will continue paying her in exchange for love and affection because, dress it up all you like-its prostitution and she wont be happy with essentially being given an ultimatum! You will be paying her for her "services" and at some stage one of you will resent the other and your situation will end up much worse than things are now!

You are right to worry about the welfare of the kids but to be honest, its much worse to put them through 2 parents under the same roof hating each other than to have parents living seperately with a more peaceful atmosphere!

Sorry i cant offer any more than that, but good luck with whatever you decide to do!

MojoMaker

That deal of yours makes her a possession or a pet, not a spouse, and trust me, seeking a separation is definitely not done on a 'whim'.

Being married is not about trading domestic and/or sexual favours for financial gain (there are specific employs for that) - it's two people on the same road heading in the same direction, (with a bit of luck) arm-in-arm, and not wanting to be anywhere else than right there.

Ignoring the cliché ^^ you cannot make 'deals' with your wife and don't use the children as an excuse. They would actually be better off being around two happy parents separately than two unhappy parents together.

Dilbert75

I was watching a Billy Connolly "World Tour of Australia" repeat the other night. In one of the clips of his stage show, he made the observation that women need to feel loved to have sex, while men need to have sex to feel loved. Despite it being spoken by a comedian, I think it may be quite right.

These days its not unusual that at least one spouse / partner is working outside the house for long periods every day. It is also not unusual that the other partner is at home with the kids all day. I know myself that looking after kids, even good kids, is no easy task. It needs support.

I wonder if there is an element of your wife feeling lonely? Naturally when you get home in the evening, you're tired, possibly not in the best of form. She's going to be tired and needing some adult company, particularly as you mention that she has no close friends or family.

As the first reply said, you both need to get yourselves to an independent person, preferably a trained counsellor. You need to discover what it is that is making you both unhappy and address those issues. You need to find out what you've lost since the time that you both loved each other madly. And you need to work at getting those back. If it takes a change of job, or bringing some work home instead of finishing it off "at work" (if possible), then so be it. Even consider taking a lower paid but less demanding job if that's feasible. A good marriage is worth saving though.

(And don't suggest sex in return for maintenance payments - maintenance payments should only be paid when they're appropriate. Sex should only happen when its appropriate. The two should not depend on each other)

b3t4

For the sake of the kids is no reason to force your wife to stay with you. This kind of thing messes kids up no end. Kids are way more perceptive than you give them credit for. How is your kids being in an environment where one person does not love the other create a good atmosphere for them to grow emotionally? They will learn about relationships from what you give them and if that isn't a happy one then it screams trouble?

Stop ignoring what your wife is trying to say to you by branding them as "wims". She has more than likely stayed with you way longer than she would of liked and has finally come up with the courage to say this to you. Her feelings are important and should be brought into concideration.

She also works hard for this family. Her job is looking after you're two kids and home which is more than a job in itself as there is no home time for her, she is constantly in work.

Be proactive rather than dismissive and suggest that ye seek marriage counselling first. This will help open the communication lines that appear to be closed at present. It might help salvage the marriage but it might also help you to realise that this marriage truly is over either way it's worth a try. Suggest also that if she wishes to rejoin the work force that you will support her in this.

Basically you need to listen to your wife.

A.

Noopti

I told her I'd meet her half way and continue paying her way as long as she shows me some kind of affection and maybe has sex with me once a week or so.

Are you serious? This isn't the basis for a relationship, or for a loving family in which to raise kids.

Trinity

As the others have said you cannot buy her affection, that has to be given freely.

On the limited information you have given us it sounds as if she wants a life of her own.

SHe has no job, no close friends or family - can you imagine how unfulfilling and lonely this feels?

So she has made you and the children her life, soemtimes that is not enough for people, she wants to be a person not someones wife/mother.

She wants her life back, a bit of independance, some fun and joy (and yes family give you some of that but not all). A lot of people can have both.

why dont you talk to her and instead of bargaining with her to stay, ask her what would make her happy, encourage her to get a life outside of the home, a part time job, some hobbies. To me that is meeting her half way.

she is obvoiusly not happy with her life as it is - you have not given any indication as to how you propose to help her other than say things stay the same but SHE GIVES YOU SEX AND AFFECTION.

What are you giving her apart from financial security?

If you want the marriage to work you are going to have to try a lot harder than that - ask her why she is unhappy - ask her what YOU can do for HER and not the other way round.

Dragan

If I might wade it with my jack boot and place it firmly behind your ear can I just ask you did it ever occur to you to think about why she is not happy??? Or if there is anything you can do to make her happy.

She want to leave you for a reason buddy, and everything in your post tells me it is most likely a good one, but you would never stop to think about that eh? Ever occur to you to maybe put in some effort and stop treating her like a prostitute ( pay her way for sex, c'mon man! )

To be honest you seem about are warm and caring as the other side of the pillow dude.

Maybe try and find out why she wants to leave you, instead of assume she won't because you can't see her being able to do so.

As for the whole "I'm not all that bad" bit, to be honest, you seem to be man.

Sam Vimes

the husband wrote:

We've been married the last ten years and I love her madly and want to be with her always, she says she doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me, but I know she must as she loved me before.

loving you before doesn't guarantee she loves you now. feelings change.

the husband wrote:

I know she will do the right thing and stay with me.

staying in a loveless marriage is not the right thing

the husband wrote:

I'm not all that bad. I just can't understand her wanting to break up the family just because of her wims, I told her I'd meet her half way and continue paying her way as long as she shows me some kind of affection and maybe has sex with me once a week or so. Is that too much to ask, I work hard for this family I'm in work fron 8 to 7 most days is a bit of affection to much to ask in return.

that sounds absolutely ridiculous. she's not your property and she's not a prostitute. to be honest it doesn't sound like you have much respect for her if you think she'd want to break up the family on a "whim" and you think she'll have sex for money

Beruthiel

the husband wrote:

she says she doesn't want to be with me and doesn't love me, but I know she must as she loved me before.

People change, people fall in and out of love. She may have loved you in the beginning, that doesn't mean she does now. Maybe she still does deep down but it's buried in the drudgery of life.

I just can't understand her wanting to break up the family just because of her wims

In your opinion it's a whim, the fact that you call it that means you are not taking her seriously, perhaps that's part of the problem in itself.

she has no job and has no close friends or family

This is a big problem and she needs to change that.

as long as she shows me some kind of affection and maybe has sex with me once a week or so.

Are you trolling this forum? I don't believe a serious married man would come out with such a statement.

metrovelvet

"Worried about my wife?" I dont think so. I think you are worried about YOU.

the husband wrote:

she has no job and has no close friends or family..

Can I ask why not? Have you recently moved somewhere? Do you know how incredibly lonely this is to have no friends and family, to spend all day with kids, and then look forward to a husband who will pay you for sex and affection?

the husband wrote:

I'm not all that bad. I just can't understand her wanting to break up the family just because of her wims..

Ok so this is all her fault? Have you really sat down and listened to her, gather all the information about why she isnt happy with you. It sounds like you dont take her feelings seriously, and that my friend is not love.

the husband wrote:

I work hard for this family I'm in work fron 8 to 7 most days ..

Are you a workaholic? How much of you is left to give to your wife and family?

the husband wrote:

is a bit of affection to much to ask in return..

From someone who doesnt love you, well quite frankly yes it is.

Esel

I find it hard to take your post seriously. Please read it again yourself and see if you can see where you are going wrong. To Reply Only Lasts Longer.

Geordie_Girl

esel wrote:

I find it hard to take your post seriously. Please read it again yourself and see if you can see where you are going wrong. To Reply Only Lasts Longer.

I thought exactly the same thing when I read it. MUST be a troll.

No one could be quite that ....... I can't even think of one word that covers the whole of it. Callous, selfish, stupid, blind, clueless, MAD.

LegacyUser

Fine maybe I was a bit harsh, but I know what is right for my family and she isn't seeing things clearly. She says that she will do things my way, so it has sorted itself out.

SingingCherry

the husband wrote:

Fine maybe I was a bit harsh, but I know what is right for my family and she isn't seeing things clearly. She says that she will do things my way, so it has sorted itself out.

You sound crazy and controlling. I hope your wife comes ot her senses and leaves.

StormWarrior

the husband wrote:

I just can't understand her wanting to break up the family just because of her wims, I told her I'd meet her half way and continue paying her way as long as she shows me some kind of affection and maybe has sex with me once a week or so. Is that too much to ask,

Jesus Christ! I'm not surprised she wants to get away from you! What is wrong with you that you need to pay your wife for affection and sex? This does not sound like a whim, it sounds like your poor wife is better off out of there! And don't you care that any affection she gives you is not real? If you're married and have kids, then she is entitled to support until you are divorced. She doesn't need to prostitiute herself to you in return! What kind of example are you setting for your poor kids, how would you feel if their future husbands treated them in this appalling manner? Your wife and kids would be better off without you. If I was your wife I would have legged it long ago.

the husband wrote:

She says that she will do things my way, so it has sorted itself out.

Has it? God help that poor woman. I will pray for her and your kids.

punchdrunk

TROLL-O-RAMA!!! :rolleyes:

Paddy20

A little bit of Marriage counselling might help here. Most married couples have their difficult times.

Type Relate into Google, or type marriage counselling. I wish you all the best, do not give up trying and listen too the independent advice that is available if you seek it out.

P. :cool:

Gordon

punchdrunk wrote:

TROLL-O-RAMA!!! :rolleyes:

Not helpful.

Cy Kotic

punchdrunk wrote:

TROLL-O-RAMA!!! :rolleyes:

Gordon wrote:

Not helpful.

Not helpful? The original poster is either taking the piss, or is beyond help.

Nevyn

Cy Kotic, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
If you wish to speak with a moderator of this forum about thier mod directives pm them.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

RandomOne

Dragan wrote:

If I might wade it with my jack boot and place it firmly behind your ear can I just ask you did it ever occur to you to think about why she is not happy??? Or if there is anything you can do to make her happy.

She want to leave you for a reason buddy, and everything in your post tells me it is most likely a good one, but you would never stop to think about that eh? Ever occur to you to maybe put in some effort and stop treating her like a prostitute ( pay her way for sex, c'mon man! )

To be honest you seem about are warm and caring as the other side of the pillow dude.

Maybe try and find out why she wants to leave you, instead of assume she won't because you can't see her being able to do so.

As for the whole "I'm not all that bad" bit, to be honest, you seem to be man.

You put that so much more politely than I could come up with.

ircoha

the husband wrote:

Fine maybe I was a bit harsh, but I know what is right for my family and she isn't seeing things clearly. She says that she will do things my way, so it has sorted itself out.

Are you beating her/the kids into submission?

Nevyn

You don't have to be phycially abusive to be domineering and mentally and emotionaly abusive and being dimissive of the person who you are ment to love is such a fashion is abuse.

Really The husband if you want your marraige to work and to be happy then you have to work at it.
Look at finding ways to free your wife to get some sort of a life for her self,
take the kids for one evening a week so she can go to the gym spend time with friends what ever and look at couples couselling.

metrovelvet

^ Exactly.

I dont see this guy as the fisticuffs type. More like the isolate, get dependant and make scared to leave me type, the my way or the highway type, the control through guilt tactics type, the type who doesnt love you but who wants to own your ass.

Nevyn

Maybe Metrovelvet but sometimes these type of guys don't realise what it is they are doing esp if that is the way thier parents relationship was.
They fall into that pattern of behaviour unknowingly

nobodythere

the husband wrote:

I told her I'd meet her half way and continue paying her way as long as she shows me some kind of affection and maybe has sex with me once a week or so.

That's essentially making a prostitute out of her

sceptre

grasshopa wrote:

That's essentially making a prostitute out of her

That's what I thought when I just read the opener.