"I think im falling in love with you"

LegacyUser

Sorry this is quite long, & it might seem silly to some people, but its really bothering me & I dont know what to do.

A couple of weeks ago I went on a holiday with some friends. On my second night I met a really nice guy, ended up kissing, he walked me home, asked could he meet me the next night.

So we met every night except 1 (didnt go out, long story). But most nights 1 or both of us were drunk, we were never both sober. Every time he was drunk he'd tell me he really liked me. On the last night i agreed to meet him a bit the next day, my last day. Was a bit afraid it would be horribly awkward but I havent felt so comfortable with anyone in a long time. I realised i did quite like him.

We swapped mobile numbers, etc. But we live at opposite ends of the country.
So we've been texting a good bit since we got back, & chatted a bit on msn. Sent him some of the holiday photos. Ive agreed to meet him in a couple of weeks, he's gonna drive up with a couple of friends.

But now he'd just coming on a bit too strong & freaking me out.

- Was texting him & he said "oh my mother says a big hi!". He'd told his mother about me? When i asked he said "oh yeah & my sister. Showed them photos, they said you looked like a lovely girl". I thought this was a bit much, but my friends said oh sure maybe hes just really close with his family. I know hes very close to his sister so Im trying not to let this bother me.

- He's told me several times I'm so close to his perfect girl. Sometimes calls me his dream girl. eg. "Night my dream girl xx". Maybe hes just being nice...?

- In a text the other day he said "I think im falling in love with you..". This was just too much. I replied & told him that it was too much, that we barely know each other, & that i do like him but hes freaking me out. He said sorry he didnt mean to. But he's still said it. & i dont know what to think about it.

Should I back off? He seems to like me waaaay too much. & although i do like him, I'm kind of still getting over someone else & dont know if I can deal with someone who seems to want so much, especially someone who lives so far away.

But then I think he IS far away, its not like I'll have to deal with the full-on-ness on a daily basis. But then that just seems selfish.

I think part of it might be that we havent seen each other since we were away. & its never the same when youre back from a holiday (Ive said this to him but he seems to be ignoring it). So at the moment I think I'll wait the week & see how it is when we see each other again. But is this awful when im already having doubts about it? Im really confused. I think I probably would like him but the fact he's coming on so strong is putting me off.

Sorry this is so long, I didnt mean to go on so much! Any advice would be great

ircoha

research some of the other posts in this section and you will get plenty pointers, ideas. You are not the first one with this kind of problem.
You have to go with your instincts.
as it seems you have spent most of your time together drunk, it was alright, now that he is sober, he seems to becoming on a bit so i would cut it loose right now.

Ruu_Old

Talk to him while he is sober, tell him its moving too fast for you and that you are uncomfortable with that.

Black Swan

Drunken talk does not make for a grand relationship. Share your concerns with him. He may be inappropriately attempting to compensate for distance?

Zillah

So you don't like him as much as he likes you, big deal. If you don't want to go out with him then fine but it doesn't sound fair to make it out like he's done something wrong.

FuzzyWuzzyWazza

Zillah wrote:

So you don't like him as much as he likes you, big deal. If you don't want to go out with him then fine but it doesn't sound fair to make it out like he's done something wrong.

Exactly, he could just be a very emotional bloke, and not everyone feels that same amount of affection for each other.

LundiMardi

maybe he wasn't sober when he sent the text??? By the way, i don't see a problem with the other texts, they seem fairly normal to be honest. It's obvious he does like ya.

So anyway, you've told him already that you think it's a bit much, and he said sorry and didn't mean to... so, erm... what's the problem?

There's no harm in meeting up, he knows where you're coming from and likewise with yourself. So what's the harm?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I think I'm just not used to people being liked so much or something.

Had a chat with my friends tonight & they told me im being silly. I do like him. It all just seems a bit much sometimes..

Thanks

Marksie

Holiday romances are just that.... they are infatuations (in general).
How old are you two of interest.?

I dont belive from what you hae said that he is a stalker TBH. He did apologise, but he may have received a different message from you when you were on holidays.
Actually you said you were quite comfotanble with him and didnt feel awkward.

The fact he sent the text is just something he may have felt..yes he likes you but he is still mindwise back on holiday.

To say that the text freaked you out is a bit of an overreaction, IMO just let that text slide.

He did apologise and you don't give any indications if he has said anymore.
Crucially you say you are still getting over somene.. have you told him this? and have you said not to come on so strong?

metrovelvet

ReallyConfused wrote:

A couple of weeks ago I went on a holiday with some friends. On my second night I met a really nice guy, ended up kissing, he walked me home, asked could he meet me the next night.:(

Ok so you already know hes a nice guy.

ReallyConfused wrote:

Was a bit afraid it would be horribly awkward but I havent felt so comfortable with anyone in a long time. I realised i did quite like him..:(

You seem to be a scaredy cat. What are you afraid of? You know you're comfortable with him.

ReallyConfused wrote:

We swapped mobile numbers, etc. But we live at opposite ends of the country. ..:(

So what. Opposite ends of the country - thats 3-5 hours away in Ireland. Thats NOTHING!

ReallyConfused wrote:

- Was texting him & he said "oh my mother says a big hi!". He'd told his mother about me? When i asked he said "oh yeah & my sister. Showed them photos, they said you looked like a lovely girl". I thought this was a bit much, but my friends said oh sure maybe hes just really close with his family. I know hes very close to his sister so Im trying not to let this bother me...:(

Look. He really likes you. He thinks your somebody. Is he laying any expectation on you? Or are you projecting onto him, what it would mean FOR YOU and your expectations if you did/said same to your family?

ReallyConfused wrote:

- He's told me several times I'm so close to his perfect girl. Sometimes calls me his dream girl. eg. "Night my dream girl xx". Maybe hes just being nice...?...:(

Thats being charming. Its good or bad depending on how you perceive charm [for me its suspect - because I think its manipulative - but some people like it]

ReallyConfused wrote:

- In a text the other day he said "I think im falling in love with you..". This was just too much. I replied & told him that it was too much, that we barely know each other, & that i do like him but hes freaking me out. He said sorry he didnt mean to. But he's still said it. & i dont know what to think about it.

Why does it freak you out? Is he crowding you or is it the actual words. The only thing I would worry about is that people who fall in love fast tend to fall OUT of it just as quickly.

ReallyConfused wrote:

Should I back off? He seems to like me waaaay too much.

What is too much? I dont get that. Its passion. Enjoy it.

ReallyConfused wrote:

& although i do like him, I'm kind of still getting over someone else & dont know if I can deal with someone who seems to want so much, especially someone who lives so far away.

Only you can answer that.

ReallyConfused wrote:

But then I think he IS far away, its not like I'll have to deal with the full-on-ness on a daily basis. But then that just seems selfish. .

Its up to you to draw boundaries. People are selfish. Love is selfish. Passion is selfish. Welcome to life. Do what you need to do.

ReallyConfused wrote:

I think part of it might be that we havent seen each other since we were away. & its never the same when youre back from a holiday (Ive said this to him but he seems to be ignoring it). .:(

Well its infatuation. Now you can see what its like in reality. And all the texting could be compensation for the distance. The problem with this is that it turns into interpretive excersizes rather than really relating to someone on a three dimensional real time way.

ReallyConfused wrote:

But is this awful when im already having doubts about it? Im really confused. I think I probably would like him but the fact he's coming on so strong is putting me off.:(

I dont think so. Your radars are up and thats ok. Its normal. Stop worrying and enjoy it!

Chucky the tree

If it was me i would be similiar to the OP. THe chap sounds a bit desperate. I couldnt go out with someone like that.

If your feeling like this now i would end it. THe more you get to know him and he you, the more texts you will be getting like that. If its bothering you now, how will feel when they get worse?

At the rate hes going, he'll probaly ask you to marry him in a few weeks.

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

Holiday romances are just that.... they are infatuations (in general).
How old are you two of interest.?

we're 22

marksuttonie wrote:

To say that the text freaked you out is a bit of an overreaction, IMO just let that text slide.

hmmm you cant really tell me what freaks me out. maybe it wouldnt freak you out, but it freaked me out.

marksuttonie wrote:

have you told him this? and have you said not to come on so strong?

ive had to tell him a couple of times now. it usually lasts a couple of hours or a day & then he starts again

metrovelvet wrote:

Look. He really likes you. He thinks your somebody. Is he laying any expectation on you? Or are you projecting onto him, what it would mean FOR YOU and your expectations if you did/said same to your family?

Youre right about that. I think in that case it was just because for me to tell my family that stuff its a big deal, but I know he is very close to his family, his sister especially, so i did overreact there.

Im gonna just go with the flow for now & see how it goes.
Thanks again for the replies

Kell

ReallyConfused wrote:

But now he'd just coming on a bit too strong & freaking me out.

Theres your answer. Why do you feel the need to come looking for peoples approval of your opinion?

K-

Zombrex

OP, you are right to be worried.

As much as I would love to go with the posters here who are all "ah, he must really like you" the cool hard light of day facts of the matter are is this guy is a typical young lad (as I was once) who has got far far too worked up over you and has created a "perfect woman" image in his head of you, especially now you are appart. He is now boiling over with excitement about this fab new relationship he has.

The problem is is that it isn;t real, its not based on reality. He isn't in love with you, he is in love with the idea of a relationship, in the idea of going out with someone.

Everyone guy at some point in their life is like this, its really just due to relationship immaturity, along with insecurity and self-esteem issues. You want to be careful because any rejection is going to be crushing on him because it will destroy this fantasy he has built up. The PI forum is littered with "We went out with each other for 3 weeks a year ago and I am still not over her!!" type posts, which appear to be nonsense until you realise what the poster was actually in love with, attacted to, which was the self-esteem boost they got by having a girlfriend.

Personally I think you should break up with him, mainly for his own good. The sooner he learns to deal with entering a new relationship the better. The only problem with that is that it is going to crush him. But doing it at any time is going to crush him, so it is a Catch-22

If you do continue on with him you need to tell him to back way way off, and hope that he matures a bit by your instruction.

You need to tell him that you and him don't know each other at all and that he needs to have a little think about why he thinks he has fallen in love with her when he couldn't possibly have, and what has he actually fallen in love with, her or the though of being in a relationship.

You want to make that last bit clear to him, he is not in love with you, he is infatuated with the possibilities and self-esteem you and this relationship bring.

Now there is a good change he will find this very embrassing and probably won't accept what you are saying. But at least it gets him thinking about it, even if just privately.

And if he texts again "I think I'm in love with you" reply "no, your not, calm down and stop being silly"

metrovelvet

^ Very good advice! Did you take some wisdom pills this morning WK?

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

Theres your answer. Why do you feel the need to come looking for peoples approval of your opinion?

Its not about looking for approval of my opinion, its trying to figure out if im being unreasonable or not.


Wicknight: thanks for the advice, you talk a lot of sense Im well aware hes not ACTUALLY falling in love with me, & you're definitely right about the selfesteem, he needs constant reassurance that i still like him (which is getting a bit much). Ive spoken to him about it & asked him why hes like this & he told me that every girl hes been with has cheated on him, so i guess it does make some sense.

Ive told him Ill meet him, I dont want to go back on that, and I AM looking forward to seeing him again. But at the same time, as Wicknight said, if it doesnt go anywhere I feel like I will totally crush him. Although I have to say he has calmed down a lot in the last few days

I'll just take it as it comes!

Ishindar

good plan, take it as it comes . this guy is just nervous and excited, he sounds like he has a lot of posative energy. you are also nervous and worried that maybe it will be uncomforatble as he might be pushy. remember you were very comfortable with him before, i think u can be confident it will be very comfortable again and he will read your signals. meetings like this between two people can be stressfull in the lead up to them but after ye meet it will go ok so relax and look forward to it and good luck

Zombrex

ReallyConfused wrote:

Ive spoken to him about it & asked him why hes like this & he told me that every girl hes been with has cheated on him, so i guess it does make some sense.

Yeah that makes sense.

A lot of young guys think (subconsciously) that if they are just really nice to a girl, tell her how great she is and how much they like her, that this will reflect well on them and she will stay with them. Again it goes back to insecurity. These are the guys who complain that women only go for bastards and nice guys finish last, because they can't figure out why after they were "so nice" to the girl she still dumped him. I should know, I used to be like that.

I would reassure him that you would never cheat on anyone (don't say him specifically) but he needs to talk things slow and calm down, all this fussing over you is not helping, and that you cannot guarrentee that you won't at some point break up with each other. That may seem harsh, especially at the start of a relationship, but it is the reality of realtionships. Most people break up with 99% of their girfriends/boyfriends, it is a fact of life, which he needs to at some point deal with. And the pressure of you being afraid of breaking up with him will weigh on the things, even if you aren't even thinking of breaking up with him. The pressure he puts on you will eventually turn into resentment towards him, so you want to nip that in the bud.

Good luck

Kell

ReallyConfused wrote:

Its not about looking for approval of my opinion, its trying to figure out if im being unreasonable or not.

Pot, kettle, black?

K-

gorgeousjunkie

I am probably going to get allot of sh*t for saying this...

But maybe he's just a really nice guy? Maybe you're a bit too cold? Maybe you say you want a nice guy but all you really want a bad boy (read: Scumbag).

If I were you I would appreciate who he is and feel lucky you have him, he obviously sees something in you worth something. Maybe he should read your post then the problem would be solved?

LegacyUser

Wicknight wrote:

I would reassure him that you would never cheat on anyone (don't say him specifically) but he needs to talk things slow and calm down, all this fussing over you is not helping, and that you cannot guarrentee that you won't at some point break up with each other.

Thanks for your comments yeah i had told him id never cheat on anyone (its actually something im REALLY strongly against anyway) & talked to him about calming things down. Told him i felt he was putting a lot of pressure on it all, & he said sorry & that he'd ease off a little bit. I feel a lot more comfortable with the whole thing now, & im looking forward to seeing him
As for the breaking up thing, as far as im aware we're not officially together.. although im not sure what his take on this is. maybe something we should talk about.

gorgeousjunkie wrote:

Maybe he should read your post then the problem would be solved?

I would hate him to read it to be honest. I think he'd be quite hurt that i was discussing the whole thing with people i dont know So i think ill stop replying to the thread now. Thanks for all your advice

Zombrex

gorgeousjunkie wrote:

I am probably going to get allot of sh*t for saying this...

And how!

gorgeousjunkie wrote:

But maybe he's just a really nice guy?

What is a "really nice guy" ... why would a really nice guy fall head over heals in love with her quicker than a nice guy or a kinda nice guy or an average guy?

He might be a really nice guy but you won't tell that from the fact that he is texting her a lot and proclaiming his love for her after a few weeks.

What you can tell from that is that he is a quite immature guy when it comes to relationships and his emotions.

gorgeousjunkie wrote:

Maybe you're a bit too cold?

How is she being cold?

If someone I just met claimed to love me I would be more than a little concerned. The fact that he realised he "loved" her over a period when they weren't in the same county is a huge warning bell. He is clearly building up a fantasy in his head about this relationship, which doesn't match reality.

She is giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he just got a bit over excited, whcih I personally think is a mistake, but how anyone can see her actions as cold is beyond me.

gorgeousjunkie wrote:

If I were you I would appreciate who he is and feel lucky you have him, he obviously sees something in you worth something.

No he doesn't, thats the point.

It isn't her he has suddenly fallen for. That is nothing against her, its just he doesn't know her at all. At all It is the fantasy in his head that he has seen something great in, a fantasy that doesn't reflect reality, because how could it he doesn't know her

I don't mean to make this guy out to be some nut case, everyone does this. Boys do it, girls do it. It is the same thing that girls do when they fall for the bad boy convinced that there is a nice sweet heart in side him, and is devestated when he sleeps with her bestfriend and sister, while all her other friends are saying "what did you expect?"

It is simply a sign of immaturity and inexperience with relationships, where we build up fantasies around people based on what we want, not how the person actually is.

Over time people learn and grow and eventually grow out of it

Zombrex

ReallyConfused wrote:

As for the breaking up thing, as far as im aware we're not officially together.. although im not sure what his take on this is. maybe something we should talk about.

I think so, because i would imagine in his mind you are very much boyfriend girlfriend, and if you are not happy at that at this stage (and that is perfectly reasonable) you might want to point that out.

My experience with this type of thing is that you want to be nipping things in the bud when ever they appear.

He says he loves you, you nip that in the bud straight away with a "don't be silly, you don't even know me"

He thinks you are in a proper relationship, nip in the bud with a "ummm, that is a bit too fast for me, lets just see what happens"

etc etc. It is when his fantasy of the relationship gets too ahead of reality that you will start running into trouble, and when he is at most risk of getting hurt.

LegacyUser

I wasnt gonna post here again, but just wanted to clear something up

He didnt say he was in love with me, he said he THOUGHT he was FALLING in love, & to me theres a big difference there. & he hasnt mentioned any of that since i told him it was too much & it freaked me out.

daRobot

Jesus, people give the word love far too much power.

One day I can love mcdonalds cheesburgers, and want one every day.Next week I may hate them and love chicken nuggets instead.

The word love seems to give this scary permancy to a temporary feeling and sends people running if they hear it too soon.

Generally, love is pretty selfish in realationship cases, and people tend not to love each other, rather they love the fact/ego boost that someone they value likes/loves them.