Did I cheat?

LegacyUser

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

matt-dublin

IMO, If this really is the girl you love you shouldn't have had to have an "open relationship" or felt the need to sleep with someone else.

Sorry if i sound like a prick but i feel very stonrgly that if you need to have an open relationship with someone that you shouldn't be with them

WellyJ

If the two of you can't last 4 months without being with someone else i dont see much value in your relationship to be honest.

Maybe its for the best you end it now.

Noopti

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love.

Sorry, but if you really did love this woman you wouldn't have needed to go off with another woman, even if you did both have an "agreement".

LegacyUser

Okay, a difference of opinion is welcome. But we're not arguing about the fact that I love her. I won't stand for anyone calling that into question.

An open relationship is only as open as it's part-takers are willing to be. We decided that it was best for both of us. Obviously, it seems like a mistake now, but ultimately it's not the issue here.

Ruu_Old

You should probably rethink about your relationship with your girlfriend and she probably didn't think very hard when agreeing to an open relationship with you.

Black Swan

IMO an open relationship is no relationship. Apparently, she really didn't buy into the open relationship when you did. The difference between the ideal and the real, perhaps?

metrovelvet

Technically no, you're not wrong. You made an agreement, you honoured that agreement and you were honest with her about what you did.

However, what we think we can handle in theory doesnt always work out in reality. Think about it the other way around, would you like to think about your girlfriend ****ing another man with his hands all over her?

I do think you should examine your feelings for your GF, because I suspect if you really feel the way you say you do about her, then you wouldnt have been drawn to this other girl.

You cant have it both ways. You cant have stability and **** around. It just doesnt work that way. Make your choice and live with it.

Noopti

It could also have been a test of sorts. Maybe she agreed to the open relationship without any intention of acting on it, just to see if you really were committed to, and loved, her. If that is the case, I'm afraid you failed.....after only 3 weeks.

Dublinstiofán

WasIWrong wrote:

Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?

Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

In my opinion you weren't wrong. You did however make a few mistakes but you shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. That was the deal you both agreed on before she went away.

Your mistakes,

1. Doing this 3 weeks after she left was a little too quickly. She probably feels that if you did this after 3 weeks (regardless of whether you were technically 'permitted' to or not) that you didn't really care about her in the first place which it appears isn't the case at all.

2. I know it may have seemed that you were only keeping your end of the bargain but you shouldn't have told her online of all places. Could have chosen a better way to tell her or told her face to face when she comes back.

If she loves you the way that you (appear to) love her she will come back to you. Just give her time!

Best of luck

dr.bollocko

But....
but....
they were on a break!

melekalikimaka

in answer to your question you didnt cheat. you had an open realionship..by its very nature cheating is not possible...her own fault, if she wasnt gonna be able to deal with it she shouldnt have agreed to it

Static M.e.

While you are "technically" correct in that you didn't do anything wrong I can understand why she might be miffed slightly

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She was SO important to you that you couldn't wait 4 months. She leaves and 3 weeks later you shag another girl, well it just screams romance to me.

The statement above is WRONG in so many ways its unreal.

Beruthiel

AmIWrong wrote:

but ultimately it's not the issue here.

Apparently it is the issue.

dr.bollocko

Oh whatever. You are with a girl that you love, and she says Im leaving for 4 months, lets have an open relationship.
So the guy goes out and sleeps with another girl, making it clear to the other girl that he is in an open relationship, and saying that he has a girlfriend. Next time he talks to the girlfriend he tells her what happened, and she goes nuts.
What did the guy do wrong there, will someone please tell me?

WTF with all this crazy OP-bashing and the judgemental "IF u really loved her you wouldnt be such a sleaze-ball and sleep around" brigade.
He didnt ask for other peoples opinions on whether or not open relationships are decent, if you cant handle them fair enough but dont knock others for trying it.
How does him agreeing to have an open relationship mean he is an unromantic sleazy prick? Get off your high horse and realise for one second that sex does not always equal love and vice versa, and that true love in this world is about a million things and not just sex.
Dont sign up for an open relationship if you cant take the pain, but dont be surprised if you give a dog a bone and he takes it. The girlfriend is being very unfair to the guy and I dont care what you say about your one true love, but some of the reply posts here are so unrealistic as to be laughable.

biko

dr.bollocko wrote:

But....
but....
they were on a break!

Damn, I wanted to be the one to say that.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it.

OP, this sounds like you took the initiave to the open relationship. Then you where the first to have sex.

I can certainly understand that she was angry. Your girlfriend probably hoped you could last four months until she was back again but you didn't even last four weeks...

Even though you had an argrement - it is not the same as buying a car or something. We are dealing with people's feelings here and it's not gonna be solved that easy by logic.

dats_right

I can't believe that you actually believed all that 'no secrets' b*ll*cks! Sometimes, my friend it is best to be economical with the truth so that people don't get hurt. I'm certainly not going to lecture you about throwing your leg over some bird, infact I don't see anything wrong with that aspect of your story in the slightest, the problem my friend is your big gob, I'm literally in stitches thinking that you thought it was ok to tell your gf that you nailed some bird.

As it happens, similar enough situation myself a few years back, gf went to study abroad for a year, made all those promises, sure I was nailing anything that walked but I certainly didn't tell her and all was fine and dandy till i nailed a friend of hers, who in turn blabbed to my then gf. At least I was caught out fair and square, but to actually tell her, well I think that is mad altogether!

Don't you know that what women say and what they actually mean are often completely different. What did you expect her to say? 'fair play to ya' or 'that's ok darling'. While, you didn't technically cheat on her, I doubt whether she will forgive you and she will probably go out in search of a sh*g this weekend (if she hasn't already!). Your best bet is to grovel, grovel, grovel and if I was you I'd buy a ticket over to her and tell her how sorry you are, drop some smooth lines.Tell her that other bird was a mistake and that she's the only one for you. If your lucky she will forgive you in about 40 years..

seamus

WasIWrong wrote:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?

In a cold and clean manner, and devoid of any personal or emotive opinion, no, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You had an agreement, that for all intents and purposes, you were no longer going out while she was away, and anything goes.
Unfortunately rational thinking is usually the first thing to lose when emotion goes out the door. No-one except your girlfriend can really say why she is upset. Perhaps it's cos it happened so soon, perhaps it's because she never really thought you'd sleep with someone else, or perhaps there's something more about said woman which effects her feelings on it. Perhaps she never really wanted it, but went along anyway. Who knows?

- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

That's for the two of you to decide. If this is something that she's going to use against you in future, then you're probably better off cutting your losses. On the other hand, if you can give her some time to think about the entire scheme and to perhaps accept that she made a mistake and get over whatever it is she feels, then you could go on.

Personally, I find it weird that you were actively seeking out another woman just three weeks after "the love of your life" headed off to the States. It would be a little different if perhaps you ended up pissed and horny and dragging some woman home, but the fact that you met her and invited her out on a date (i.e. you had completely premeditated it) is just strange to me.

Kell

WasIWrong wrote:

we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

I dont see what her problem is TBH if ye BOTH agreed that it was an open relationship. Tough titties for her for agreeing to it and then having problems after the fact is my opinion.

And no- if it was a mutual open decision then no you didnt do the dirt.

K-

Fanny Cradock

i can't understand why people do these type of things. if you care for someone enough you will be hurt if they sleep with someone else even with an "agreement".

basically, she gave you licence to sow you oats and you didn't dawdle. it is actually possible to go for a few months without having sex. if this girl was worth waiting then it shouldn't have been too much to ask. though in fairness to you,she never should have agreed to this when she clearly wasn't into it. let it be a warning - either commit to someone or breat up. no halfway bs.

anyway, how would you have felt if the tables were turned? that's probably your answer.

metrovelvet

biko wrote:

We are dealing with people's feelings here and it's not gonna be solved that easy by logic.

Yep. YOu cant apply logic, contract, and agreement to the amorous realm. Its a bit like "using bulldozers to understand orchids".

Beruthiel

WasIWrong wrote:

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love.

Many couples are quite happy to be in open relationships. Many would never dream of going down that road.

Were you having this 'open relationship' while she was here?
If the answer is no to that question then you had a fairly large clue how she would take this latest developement.

In saying that, I cannot understand why she would agree to this if she isn't happy now.
Who's idea was this in the first place?

Noopti

The fact that they decided to have an "open relationship" for the sake of 4 months apart indicates to me that their relationship isn't at a high enough level for him or her to be in love.
Maybe I'm wrong on that, but I wouldn't even contemplate sleeping with another woman, even if myself and my girlfriend had an "agreement". Just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean that you should. Chirst, a 10 year old kid could tell you that.

Noopti

all was fine and dandy till i nailed a friend of hers, who in turn blabbed to my then gf

You laughed at the OP for "opening his gob", yet you slept with your gf mate and expected to get away with it.

Magic Pips

you made a mistake... telling her!

You should have broken up properly, so anything within the 4 months is your business!

Then if its meant to be when she comes back it'll all be gravy.

As your position is now, stay strong, she went away, she was part of the agreement so shes gotta deal with it too

tabatha

matt-dublin wrote:

IMO, If this really is the girl you love you shouldn't have had to have an "open relationship" or felt the need to sleep with someone else.

Sorry if i sound like a prick but i feel very stonrgly that if you need to have an open relationship with someone that you shouldn't be with them

i totally agree with you. he is very much in the wrong, no question about it!

WasIWrong

Thanks to all people replying, especially those of you attacking my personal integrity/restraint/worth as a human being. All comments really are appreciated.

Seems that there's a lot of speculation about our background... let me clarify a few things, then:

-We've been together for a year and a half now. I should have mentioned that it's a long distance thing. I've gone without sex for MORE than four months, before, so people attacking my restraint be warned.

Why did we want an open relationship? Long story...
I've been in a relationship ever since I was 16. I was never single after that... ever. Went from one long term relationship (4 years) into this one, within a few weeks, and been in it ever since.
Next year, we're planning on moving in together, maybe buy a place, maybe even get married (who knows?). I've always talked with her honestly, and told her that i've had some regrets about missing those teenage years where you can just enjoy being single. Maybe that's why we both felt that while she was away, I should try and experience a bit of the single life, so to speak. We agreed that the best option was for me to get it over and done with as soon as possible, because I'm in my final year in college, and soon things will get stressful because of exams.

In short, she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with.

I'm only free to stay with her when I'm free to leave

Okay, so with all that out of the way... more comments would be welcome...


WasIWrong

Noopti

n short, she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with.

In that case she really doesn't have any complaint. She basically told you to get laid.

Personally, I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone else, because I love the woman I'm with so much. But then again, my situation is different, and I have previously enjoyed the single life, so to speak.

Cactus Col

As people have said, technically you weren't wrong.

You could've used some common sense and not told her when she was down or in a bad mood. It seems a bit like rubbing her face in it.

While you didn't cheat, I do think you are at fault.

Amazotheamazing

Nah, you were right to be with someone else, your g/f agreed to an open relationship and she should be adult enough to deal with it.

Vegeta

I don't think you were in the wrong at all but if you truly love this girl and all it takes is a sincere apology and for you to ask for forgiveness to make it right, why wouldn't you say sorry?

Look mate you were not wrong but the fact is your girlfriends feelings were still hurt. I know you have to respect yourself and your values but if you truly love this girl say sorry for hurting her.

Explain how you thought she was ok with it but continue to tell her that you are sorry for hurting her (because your actions did hurt her) and would not have done it if you knew her true feelings.

WasIWrong

I have said sorry, don't get me wrong. I didn't just say i'm sorry, i am sorry that I hurt her. I just don't think it was my fault. I just wish it hadn't happened, now.

metrovelvet

WasIWrong wrote:

Why did we want an open relationship? Long story...

I've been in a relationship ever since I was 16. I was never single after that... ever. Went from one long term relationship (4 years) into this one, within a few weeks, and been in it ever since.

This will haunt you just as if you had a womanising past with a blur of women behind you would, but in the other extreme. Whereas the latter wont have the equipment for long term relating and will have gotten used to a life of sensation seeking and ego affirmation, when you havent had a chance to go wild, do a bit of rehearsing so to speak, you will always envy those who enjoyed their freedom.

Have you considered that you maybe rebounding? A few weeks break is not much.

WasIWrong wrote:

In short, she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with.

If she actually told you to do this, I really would question how much sense either of you have. What you do outside of your relationship you bring into it.

WasIWrong wrote:

I'm only free to stay with her when I'm free to leave

Your always free to stay or go. Agreed, it means nothing if its not a choice.

I think your girlfriend needs to take some responsibility and say to you "look Im sorry I thought I could handle it but I cant. "

LegacyUser

The agreement was obviously to cosole (sp?) both of you and for eachother not to claim "ownership" on the other person.

With agreements like that you're not meant to act on them like you did unless BOTH people are doing it. I know you could say "i was just starting it off" but nope.. doesn't work like that. You ****ed up.

You've hurt and betrayed her. You're meant to love her.

Technically you did nothing wrong but morally you have and you have disrespected your girlfriend.

Chinafoot

If you felt the need to go and enjoy the single life that you think you've missed out on you should have broken up with her first. In my experience you can't have that and a serious relationship at the same time.

It sounds as though she agreed to this in the hopes of holding onto you and maintaining the relationship when she got back. Chances are she didn't really think that the man that claims to love her would go on a date that ended in sex a mere three weeks after she left. If she didn't think you'd actually do it then she most likely wasn't prepared for the hurt she'd feel when you did.

The whole agreement seems to be based on what you want and what you feel you missed out on. Would you be upset if she told you over messenger that she went out on a date with some random guy and had sex with him? If you love her as much as you claim to then I reckon you'd be pretty gutted regardless of any "agreement".

If it was me I would never have agreed to an open relationship because as far as I'm concerned if you want to be with other people then you shouldn't be in a relationship. It's unfair to expect her to not feel hurt at what you did.

Decide if you want her or want the single life. You can't realistically have both.

ircoha

Peachypants: the best reply thus far:)

Trinity

I think the problem is that you are looking at this like did i break the law, did i break the contract - the answer is no. But i dont think thats the real issue with your girlfriend. You are obviously angry that she wont see your point of view - look at your emoticon?

in matters of the heart its not quite that simple. And if you really want to know why your girlfriend is hurt then you have to stop looking at it from such a black and white point of view - do you honestly just want yes no answers?

Its great that you have been honest with her and told her you feel you missed out on 'just being single' - i am sure in her heart she understands that and maybe thought she could handle you getting it out of your system while she was away. Rather than lose you to itchy feet after you have moved in together or even as you say possibly are married.

If you want to enjoy the single life well then you have to do it as a totally single man.

Another point to note is that she said (and it kind of backs up my theory a little i think)
"she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with."

No girl says get out there and make sure there is no-one better than me before you go commiting to me!! If she believes you love her then she will believe that there already is no-one you would rather be with - and she is probably devastated now because it may seem like to are looking just in case!

perhaps she is also scared that you will meet someone else while sowing your oats. I'm sure the thoughts of you with another woman is extremely upsetting. Picture another man making love to her? Is it nice?

I am sure she thought she could handle it. She obvoiusly shouldnt have agreed but maybe she honestly believed that you wouldnt do it - after all you told US not to question your love for her - i am sure she felt your love was strong. I know i cant cheat - honestly physically i would not be able to when i love someone else i just want to be with them and even if he told me i could (which i would find weird) i still couldnt do it.

It is not necessary to sow your wild oats - it is not necessary to sleep with x amount of girls before you can commit. If you are not looking for another relaitonship with another girl then you must be talking about just sex??

If you love the girl then sex with others will be meaningless and therefore pointless - what is it exactly that you feel you are missing? One night stands can be awkward, crap and disappointing.

If you have found someone you love and are willing to move in with and consider marrying then you have actually avoided all that crap.

A lot of people that are sowing there wild oats are actaully looking for what you have - no matter how much they say are not ready for a relationship - that changes when they meet someone they care about and decide this is the one for me.

sticking your mickey (sorry) into a few different vaginas and then coming back and saying ok love thats grand thats outta the way come here and give us a hug, lets get married?

I think maybe the truth is you are afraid you are missing something and therefore you should really evaluate whether or not you are ready for this level of commitment.

If you want the single life - be single.

She is hurting cos you were with another woman. You need to talk to her but i wouldnt go saying 'well you said i could' - she wants reassurance now. yes she was wrong but if you love her you will forget that and deal with the hurt.

I amnot judging you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be single and have some fun before settling down. But i am trying to explain this from another point of view. SHe gave you your freedom so she actually wouldnt lose you forever.

Little-Devil

WasIWrong wrote:

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

I dont think you tried that hard not to cheat. I would say that your girlfriend was more upset with the fact that she was only gone and you had another girl back at your place.

You say you love your girlfriend bu to me as soon as the opportunity came you had a one night stand. I would have thought that the agreement was if you had say gone looking or someone approched you and you talked then yeh i would understand.

ITs a hard one to call, but i can see why your girlfriend is so upset. She was only gone and you were at it.

spinandscribble

yeah spot on peachypants, just what i was thinking.
yes you didnt break the agreement but i think deep down if you knew your girlfriend you would have guessed she was just agreeing to what would make you happy.
im not saying shes right in agreeing to something she didnt stand by on but i doubt she came up with this agreement idea solely by herself. and like you said you made her well aware of how sad and regretful you were that you never had a bigger past with girls. she might have felt she had to offer you this. she might feel guilt over "robbing" you of all the "fun". not that she should imo.
i wonder op did you tell her you wholeheartly intended on going after other women during this open phase or did you say you wouldnt or were unlikely to? please answer i'd like to be able to read this from her view not, just yours, that way we'll be better equiped to understand.

im not judging you btw, i can see it from your point and yes you did nothing wrong except not follow the guidelines of what ppl do while in love. it wouldnt be good for me or most ppl but if thats the way your heart works... well i pray for you that you'll find happiness with someone likeminded

Little-Devil

WasIWrong wrote:

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

I dont think you tried that hard not to cheat. I would say that your girlfriend was more upset with the fact that she was only gone and you had another girl back at your place.

You say you love your girlfriend bu to me as soon as the opportunity came you had a one night stand. I would have thought that the agreement was if you had say gone looking or someone approched you and you talked then yeh i would understand.

ITs a hard one to call, but i can see why your girlfriend is so upset. She was only gone and you were at it.

I think this was always going to backfire whoever had a one night stand or met someone, not easy of either of you.

spinandscribble

also op you're looking at this too coldly and logically imo. matters of the heart cant be excuse the corniness.

spurious

I can't help but think you wouldn't be posting here asking for opinions, hoping you'll get someone who'll say it's ok, if you didn't know at the time that you were cheating on her.

You already know you were. If you didn't think it was cheating, you wouldn't be so bothered.

WasIWrong

When we opened our relationship, it was for both of us... not just me. She thought about it for a few days, and then agreed that spending so long apart, it might be benificial if we both admitted to ourselves that we missed being physically intimate. So it was open to her as well as to me.

And yes, she did tell me to go and do it sooner rather than later.

And no, I didn't lead her the wrong way and tell her it was unlikely that I would actually go ahead with it.

We admitted that there were times when we felt like being with other people, and when your bf/gf isn't there... it's tempting. We agreed to push aside that guilt aside and, whilst being completely honest with each other, do what feels right.

Of course it was going to be hard when it actually happened. People keep bringing up the fact that it could have been her who did it, not me. I accepted that possibility, the same as she did.

I know that people keep judging me, saying that i couldn't possibly love her if i go off and do this. Perhaps that's just a lack of understanding on their part. You can still be in love with someone and lust after others. The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love. But when she agrees, it removes that once all-powerful barrier.

And Spurious, I know damn well that it's not okay now... because the one i love has been hurt by this. What I'm looking for more than anything is advice how to fix it, how to make her feel better, and help us both move on, whether it be monogamous or an open-relationship.

metrovelvet

WasIWrong wrote:

We admitted that there were times when we felt like being with other people, and when your bf/gf isn't there... it's tempting. We agreed to push aside that guilt aside and, whilst being completely honest with each other, do what feels right.

THat doesn't mean you go and do it, just because you feel like it. If I acted on 10% of my impulses, Id be dead, arrested, or locked up in a straight jacket.

And what I suspect you feel there is the longing for the other, which you then seek to satiate via a surrogate third party, which often in the end leaves you more dissatidfied because it amplifies the absence of the one you really want to be with.

WasIWrong wrote:

I know that people keep judging me, saying that i couldn't possibly love her if i go off and do this. Perhaps that's just a lack of understanding on their part. You can still be in love with someone and lust after others. The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love. But when she agrees, it removes that once all-powerful barrier.

Yeah but 3 weeks later? Come on. Well you've hurt the one you love, now you know, now its you who's hurting.

spurious

WasIWrong wrote:

The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love.

I'm not sure I'd agree with that. What would stop me was that I loved someone else, not the fear I'd hurt them if they found out.

Anyway, there is a broken trust issue. I don't know if things can ever be the same again. Even if she says she forgives you, it will always be there...any time you're a little bit late home, going somewhere without her, getting a text, somewhere inside she'll wonder if it's someone else again. This is a normal human reaction.

I don't know if there is anything you can do to fix it. It happened to me and while I have no doubt the other person was sincere in knowing they blew it and wanting another chance etc, I couldn't let them stay in my life.

I've known couples who went through the same thing and stayed together, but from speaking to them, they would admit the relationship was never the same again. I hope you can fix it, but I don't know how you could do that.

Trinity

WasIWrong wrote:

When we opened our relationship, it was for both of us... not just me. She thought about it for a few days, and then agreed that spending so long apart, it might be benificial if we both admitted to ourselves that we missed being physically intimate. So it was open to her as well as to me.

And yes, she did tell me to go and do it sooner rather than later.

And no, I didn't lead her the wrong way and tell her it was unlikely that I would actually go ahead with it.

We admitted that there were times when we felt like being with other people, and when your bf/gf isn't there... it's tempting. We agreed to push aside that guilt aside and, whilst being completely honest with each other, do what feels right.

Of course it was going to be hard when it actually happened. People keep bringing up the fact that it could have been her who did it, not me. I accepted that possibility, the same as she did.

I know that people keep judging me, saying that i couldn't possibly love her if i go off and do this. Perhaps that's just a lack of understanding on their part. You can still be in love with someone and lust after others. The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love. But when she agrees, it removes that once all-powerful barrier.

And Spurious, I know damn well that it's not okay now... because the one i love has been hurt by this. What I'm looking for more than anything is advice how to fix it, how to make her feel better, and help us both move on, whether it be monogamous or an open-relationship.

Ask her - and listen to her. DOnt interrupt, dont say "but you agreed!" dont say anything.

Ask her -
how do we fix this?
how can i make you feel better?
can we move on from this?

and i wouldnt mention moving on in an open relationship. You are getting very defensive here and maybe justly so - but my advise is that is not how to settle anything with your girlfriend so just talk openly and calmly and dont throw blame around even if you dont like what you are hearing.

you could try telling her also that doing it once has made you realise that you do not want an open relationship if it is going to hurt her.

she is the one that you want to be with.

and if this is not true and you really do want an open relationship, then you will have to accept that this will only hurt her so therefore you will have to let her go.

I disagree with your statement but only personally maybe others might not share my view?

i.e. "That the only thing stopping us from being with others is being afraid to hurt someone we love" - that may be a part of the reason of course but a lot of people who are in love really are happy with what they have and dont want to sleep with other people"

Yes humans will look and lust and fantasize even when in love - but not everyone actually takes it to the next level which is doing something about it.

Good luck with it anyway.

Fanny Cradock

First off, it’s obvious the open relationship thing is not going to work. I’d start by knocking that idea on the head.

There is a bit of an impasse here: you apologised for hurting her, yet you believe that you did nothing wrong. Conversely, she agreed to this open relationship, but then reneged on your collective decision.

You probably have to give her a couple of days to cool down, then you both have to take responsibility (see above). Personally, I think sleeping with a girl so soon after she left is the real bone of contention here (and totally understandable, IMO). If you think about it from her perspective it may appear that you either wanted to do this all along or didn’t/ don’t really care about her.

Other than justifying your reasoning for doing what you did, and then apologising continually (but what you apologise for and what she wants you to apologise for may remain conspicuously different) there is little that you can do. Possibly it’s not salvageable.

WasIWrong

Fanny, thanks for your reply... more on the lines of what i'm hoping this thread to produce... advice, rather than judgement.

I kind of gathered that open-rel. won't really work here... it's been tested and found lacking.

We'll talk when she's calmed down, and straighten the issue out.

Thanks for all your help, people.

dr.bollocko

Hey man, it sounds like you have had the same troubles as me, with the long term relationships, non stop since 16, TBH it could have been me posting that, freaked me out a bit.
Generally, I find the level of response here to be shocking. Bashing someone because of their relationship choice is a very high-and-mighty approach, and it really doesnt help anyone. Most posts seem to be focusing on why you cheated and why the girl is right to be upset. Regardless or not of whether any cheating occured, there is still a crying girl and a relationship in trouble and this, surely, is what should be focused on, and not petty bashing and rule calling.
But I can understand where you are coming from, I mean, ok, this girl is the love of your life, but you met her so young you didnt even know, you know, didnt know enough women to know how in love you were maybe? I really know that feeling, and also the fact that you could love someone deeply, but still feel the need to gain more life experience.
And I think its a sign of an incredibly strong rel'nship that you have with her that ye both talked about your regrets, that ye didnt have more time being single, and didnt have more chances to **** around, and the open relationship, in my opinion, in a different universe, that open relationship could have been a master stroke.
But obviously, now, you have a freaked out, distressed and bitter girlfriend on your hands, and wish none of it had happened. But, its important to be heartened, you DID NOT do anything wrong,(technically) but thats still a hell of a lot worse than keeping either your fly or your mouth closed.

You were honest with your girl, both before and after the fact. I guess thats cold comfort for her, but its a sign of a decent bloke in my opinion. I dont necessarily agree with the concept of the open rel'nship, but you know, if you thought it would work for you, then I cant knock it. I know people who have worked really well in open relationships.

I think what you need to do is show your girl how much in love you still are with her, tell her. Let her know that it wont happen again, let her know that if you thought for one second that this would hurt her so bad that you would never even have considered it.

IS there any way that you can get to see her face to face? Or does this whole horrible drama have to be played out with IMs and phones?

Tell her that you thought that this life experience would help you as a person, but only thought you the lesson of just how much in love you really are with her, and how much you want to hold onto her...

Chucky the tree

dats_right wrote:

I can't believe that you actually believed all that 'no secrets' b*ll*cks! Sometimes, my friend it is best to be economical with the truth so that people don't get hurt. I'm certainly not going to lecture you about throwing your leg over some bird, infact I don't see anything wrong with that aspect of your story in the slightest, the problem my friend is your big gob, I'm literally in stitches thinking that you thought it was ok to tell your gf that you nailed some bird.

As it happens, similar enough situation myself a few years back, gf went to study abroad for a year, made all those promises, sure I was nailing anything that walked but I certainly didn't tell her and all was fine and dandy till i nailed a friend of hers, who in turn blabbed to my then gf. At least I was caught out fair and square, but to actually tell her, well I think that is mad altogether!

Don't you know that what women say and what they actually mean are often completely different. What did you expect her to say? 'fair play to ya' or 'that's ok darling'. While, you didn't technically cheat on her, I doubt whether she will forgive you and she will probably go out in search of a sh*g this weekend (if she hasn't already!). Your best bet is to grovel, grovel, grovel and if I was you I'd buy a ticket over to her and tell her how sorry you are, drop some smooth lines.Tell her that other bird was a mistake and that she's the only one for you. If your lucky she will forgive you in about 40 years..

Spot on here. Personnally i'd give up on the groveling i doubt it will work.


I really am amazed you told, but that you actually expected her to be ok with it.

WasIWrong

Chucky the tree wrote:

I really am amazed you told, but that you actually expected her to be ok with it.

As much as i hate myself for hurting her the way I did (however inadvertently), I would hate myself even more if i deceived her.

And Dr. Bollocko, a face to face isn't possible for at least two months (with my flying over to see her)... if I could see her, I'd guarantee to sort it out in half an hour. To be able to hug her and comfort her would be enough, i think... but I'm thinking that deep down, it's her missing me that's interlaced with this anger that's making it so damn hard to get through to her.