Did I cheat?

metrovelvet

Look. It doesnt matter what label you stick on what happened or didnt happen. This is what you have on your hands right now.

A girlfriend who is very upset with you. You cant go back and changed what happened just as you cant squeeze toothpaste back into the tube.

Do you want her back? If so you will have to do something about it, and that is to SUBJECTIVELY REFRAME her feelings, which means drop the objectivety, drop all this agreement **** and show her that you are worth more than this miscommunication or tactical error.

There comes a point where you need to put aside who was right and who was wrong and focus on the concept you share for your future, and this goes for any relationship.

metrovelvet

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

"- you're always going to say either nothing, or what you think the other person wants to hear.

No, no you're not, not if you're responsible with your words. Her agreeing to this shows complete lack of ownership over her words and her feelings. I dont know how hes supposed to invest any faith in whatever agreement they come up with next.

Most of say if you cheat on me I will kill you or leave you or both

Bob the Builder

Jasus, Everone, Give the guy a chance. It's typical of Boards to have people saying the same thing four pages long....

He made a mistake, he realises now, an open relationship isn't necessary, let's move on from that issue, EVERYONE has made that clear...

If that made her angry despite having a verbally clear agreement, she must be having her own problems. If she's angry, dont be guilty, your open agreement wasn't broken.

I presume you didn't say anything like: "we didn't use condoms", "she's better than you"...typical words on MSN that trigger many people, watch out!

Good Luck

OLDYELLAR

Well I wouldnt say you necessarily did anything wrong as ye did agree on an open relationship. Maybe she was using the open relationship thing to test you or something .

But to be fair ye werent going to be apart for that long and you say you love this girl , agreement or no agreement you must have known fuc*ing another woman was going to hurt her , Id say reassess the entire thing , if you feel the need to have an open relationship whilst going out with the girl you supposedly love things dont sound right . Thats just my take on it anyway.

judybaby

I think your girlfriend was testing you somewhat! Sometimes as humans we play games and it all comes bac to haunt you.....hope things work out

LegacyUser

you say that you haven't had much time for one another what with final exams and everything.
You say that you've been going out a year and a half but been apart 3-4 months before, ehm? so when have you been together??
Sorry, for sidetracking but the above is just an aside as I am trying to conjure up some sort of idea of the relationship.

"This year is different. Final exams, less time to talk, both of us neglecting one another."

After a year and a half and you're already neglecting each other.
That doesn't sound very healthy really to me.

I would say that you are on the road to dumpsville personally.
And forgive me if I'm wrong but you'r attitude is coming accross a little callous and scary.

Sure, I suggested it, but she didn't have to agree. I might have been resentful, perhaps, it's true, if she hadn't agreed

no pressure there then.

I agree that open relationships do work in some circumstances, but in this particular one, it sounds like a cake and eat it situation for you and an attempt to give you what you want from your gf.
It didnt work out.
Some contracts don't.

I think that you should figure that whether you did right or wrong in this case isn't the issue.
It's the fact that after the matter you seem to be missing a sensitivity chip or three on the matter of your gf's feelings.

I'd say she is possibly preping to get rid of you.
And as someone else said, made it was the final test for her to see if the realtionship had any future.

CathyMoran

No - I do not think that you cheated. However I do feel that your gf gave you freedom to test the relationship and see if you would go back to her/stay loyal to her during your time apart...you did not and now she is hurt, she may or may not get over it, time will tell.

I think that it is only when you are truely free from a relationship that you can see if she is the right person for you - by your actions I would question if she is. Please do not take this as a criticism, I have a great deal of sympathy for you and while I have not been in an identical situation to you I can relate. For me, being given my freedom made me realise how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the person (it is a lot more complicated than that but that is the jist of it).

AngryBadger

As has been said, if ye couldn't last 4 months apart, ye had no hope to begin with. Also, what kind of a foolacháin tells his gf about another woman when she's obviously already pissed off? What kind of response did you expect?

LegacyUser

who was better?

Zombrex

WasIWrong wrote:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

It doesn't matter if we think you did something wrong, it doesn't matter if a jury of 12 of your peers think you did something wrong.

What you did fundamentally altered your relationship with this woman, for the worse.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at the same time one has to wonder how well do you know this girl that you didn't realise she was not actually ok with this. You say it is a long distance thing. Out of the year and half how much time have you actually spent with her. A year and half isn't that long anyway, but coupled with having months where you hardly see her, do you really know this girl very well?

The motivation for this open relationship seems to have been coming exclusively from you, and it took her a long time to agree to it. Its not like she jumped at the idea, it took her days to consider it which means she had lot of issues with the idea. In those few days she was probably convincing herself that she was ok with it, but when reality struck she realised that she never was. She seems to have agreed to it because it was something you wanted to try.

So were you wrong? Does it matter? If you get her to agree that you weren't wrong do you think that will change how she feels?

I would say you were naieve and probably blinded to the effect this would have on your girlfriend, by your desire to have an open relationship. There is nothing "wrong" with that, but it doesn't bode well for your relationship. You point out that you have gone a lot longer than 4 months without sex, so why did you want to have this agreement now?

Wrong doesn't really come into it because ultimately right or wrong isn't going to change how she feels.

Its sad to say but I think it would probably be health for both of you to end the relationship.

The long distance thing, coupled with your desire for your "teenage years", coupled with this (which is going to have a massive negative effect on the relationship) is far far to much negative pressure on a relationship.

chump

Do unto others & all that.

Personally I would feel a bit sick if my gf was wrapped in the arms of another man with his appendage lodged into her.
And because of that I wouldn't agree to what you did. Never mind suggest it.

Now the fact is that you have no qualms about this - which is fair enough. And you agreed to it - so it stands to reason that you've nothing to be feeling bad about, and instead you should be angry at her for being angry at you. Afterall you've no issue with what you've done (and she agreed), so why are you altering your standards and beliefs because she suddenly doesn't share them.

If you really stand by the decision you made together, you've nothing to be sorry for, and you should tell her this.

On the flipside - it's possible you've learnt that the idea of boning another girl (something men by their nature desire) doesn't go hand in hand with loving and caring for a particular girl. Go back to what I said at the start of this post does that stand true for you?

oulu

The only thing you did wrong was telling her.

WasIWrong wrote:

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

slumped

*No no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooo (Dr. Cox in Scrubs)

If you are both immature enough to agree to a break then there is no future for you in my opinion.

If you really love her you would not have agreed to allow another man have his wicked way with her. Kissing her and making love to her. (put yourself in her shoes now)

No. If she's mad tough, you should have been strong enough not to do it in the first place.

sullivk

WOW! :eek:
Put yourself in your GF's shoes, what would you say if she had f**ked another man??
If you weren't happy with her going away why didn't you just end it with her there and then??
Because you wanted to have your cake and eat it!!
I agree with previous posters in that she probably agreed to the whole open relationship thing just to test you, and you FAILED with flying colours! :mad: You couldn't even keep it in your pants for 3 weeks for f**ks sake!!

Couldn't you have just had a w**k or something???

Hopefully she'll dump your ass when she gets back, if she has any sense!
You deserve everything you get!

ntlbell

Young love eh.......

It seems to me like you were both looking for answers concerning your relationship.

You've both got them.

Move on.

Beruthiel

sullivk wrote:

WOW! :eek: You are a complete w*nker IMHO.

It's quite obvious sullivk that you have not read this forums Rules and Charter.
Personal abuse will get you a ban in this forum.
Consider this your warning.


stp
You're here long enough to know better.

professore

Static M.e. wrote:

While you are "technically" correct in that you didn't do anything wrong I can understand why she might be miffed slightly



She was SO important to you that you couldn't wait 4 months. She leaves and 3 weeks later you shag another girl, well it just screams romance to me.

The statement above is WRONG in so many ways its unreal.

Obviously she intended to do the same thing if she got the chance ... why would she agree to an open relationship otherwise?

Mojito

WasIWrong wrote:

my girlfriend went away for four months.

This is the girl you love but yet you couldn't wait 4 months! :eek:

Well I don't think you cheated on her and I don't believe you love her.

Zombrex

katrien_ie wrote:

Obviously she intended to do the same thing if she got the chance ... why would she agree to an open relationship otherwise?

Why does anyone agree to something in a relationship that they are not happy about? Why does Jada Pinket Smith let Will Smith stray when he is on location? Why did Ali Landry, one of the hottest women on the planet, keep letting Mario Lopez away with cheating?

The reason? To please the other person

spacecoyote

stp wrote:

who was better?

hilarious!!!!


But seriously, from my experience alot of women like to say one thing and mean the complete opposite. if she had done it first then it wouldn't be an issue for her, but therein lies the problem, you can't do something like that untill she has done it 1st. I think you reallly need to be sure you love the girl, i love my girlfriend and if she was going off for a few months i'd be slapping a chastity belt on her just in case she was tempted & wouldn't cross my mind to head out on the pull. I think that also the fact that you went straight in for the one-night-stand, and not just a snog in a bar/club might have something to do with it. when it comes down to it, i wouldn't say you cheated if the original conversation went exactly as you put it, but that you need to learn a bit more about the inner workings of the insane mind of the female of the species!

Ickle Magoo

No, you didn't cheat. You have to find out why your gf agreed to an open relationship if she didn't want you to have sex with anyone else. I think the very fact you both entered into an open relationship because you wanted to test the water elsewhere shows massive cracks in your relationship anyway. Perhaps you found this girl on the rebound & you need to spend some time as a young, free & single man? Best of luck

sullivk

Sorry Beruthiel, comment edited.

cork-langer

A deal is a deal!!! your totally in the right dude... i reckon she's reeking cos you got there first!

LegacyUser

You managed to wait a whole 3 weeks? Wow, you must really love her.

From what I can see, she went into the open relationship for your benefit which is fine. And no, technically you didn't cheat. You did however jump into bed with someone else the first chance you got. If I were in her shoes, I'd certainly be questioning your supposed "love" for her.

[Jackass]

Don't you know ANYTHING about women????

If a girl says she dosen't want a present for her birthday, you better be feckin sure you get her the biggest, brightest, sparkliest present you can't afford!!

Example: If you're out looking around shops with your girlfriend and you think you'll be a real charmer and buy her something nice, spur of the moment and suprise her and get in the good books for later, you decide to point out a nice watch...you say "wow, look at that watch, it's really nice, I'm going to get it for you" and she says "No, don't be silly, anyway I don't like the colour of it" .....that isn't her politely, but greatfully, turning down your offer, and that deffenatly DOSEN'T mean she dosen't want the fricken watch, that just means she wants the one beside it that's a different colour, but she's not going to say it, because that's to fricken simple!

So when she's in a huff later and you can't figure out why, it's because you don't love her enough to "read" her or "understand" her or whatever other crap they worry about...and you didn't do exactly the right thing in an impossible situation.

Dude, women are like a ancient chinese riddle...there is no right answer, you just gotta make sure you don't do anything, ANYTHING, that could set them off, cause (No offense girls, cover your ears) they're psycho's!

And they can afford to do this, cause they know, and don't tell me they don't know, cause THEY KNOW they can last a hell of a lot longer without us than we can without them...It's fricken torture man...god is defenatly a chick and us men are her play thing.

So when your girlfriend says you can have sex with other girls, don't be an idiot...don't do it...and don't be a nuclear idiot by doing it then telling her all about it like there's nothing wrong...

No Secrets? Yeah, better feckin believe it, cause she wants to know if you passed the test or not....

DON'T YOU GET IT??? IT'S ALL A BIG TEST AND THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWERS, WE'RE SCREWED, WE CAN'T WIN, WE'VE LOST BEFORE THE GAME EVEN STARTS! BUT WE HAVE TO PLAY!!! WHERE'S THE JUSTICE?? WHERRRREE?

WasIWrong

I hate the way people keep harping on about me lasting three weeks. In an open relationship, you aren't celibate, therefor you can do as you like.

And, as said, she told me she knew full well that I'd intend to go out and test the waters. It was only that she didn't know herself well enough to know how she'd react.

And, incidentally, she and i are on speaking terms again, and were skyping last night and tonight and generally having a laugh. We may survive this yet.

I'll keep you updated on whether or not we decide to:

a) Cancel the open-relationship
b) Keep the open-relationship
c) Cancel the open-relationship, but to give her a revenge shag to even the balance (a little childish, if you ask me)
d) Break up.

In the meantime, keep the discussion going, by all means. Crisis seems to be averted, here, though. We've both learned a lot about ourselves, perhaps, but not quite enough to have made the ordeal worthwhile.

Oh, and to hell with all of you saying you don't think I love her. You don't know her. And you don't know me.

DublinWriter

WasIWrong wrote:

Oh, and to hell with all of you saying you don't think I love her. You don't know her. And you don't know me.

That's the problem, most women can't seperate love and sex.

Don't listen to the bitter, judgemental ones!

You were right.

DublinWriter

Nick wrote:

Don't you know ANYTHING about women????

If a girl says she dosen't want a present for her birthday, you better be feckin sure you get her the biggest, brightest, sparkliest present you can't afford!!

Damn right. Best post of the thread.

Women...can't live with them...pass the peanuts.

metrovelvet

Nick wrote:

DON'T YOU GET IT??? IT'S ALL A BIG TEST AND THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWERS, WE'RE SCREWED, WE CAN'T WIN, WE'VE LOST BEFORE THE GAME EVEN STARTS! BUT WE HAVE TO PLAY!!! WHERE'S THE JUSTICE?? WHERRRREE?

Yeah, I think we all know where you look for it. lol.

JustCoz

WasIWrong wrote:

I hate the way people keep harping on about me lasting three weeks. In an open relationship, you aren't celibate, therefor you can do as you like.

Well you didn't waste any time did you?! Of course she's gonna be pissed if she loves you the way you love her. Maybe she was testing you to see how long it would take you to do something.
But tbh if you really love her, why were you with another girl so soon? The whole "open relationship" thing is bullsh*t in my opinion. Either stay together or break up, that whole grey region thing never works.