Friday

lilmissprincess

Two wooden tokens laid down
Your hands clutching
Your heart clutching
He's watching, smiling.
Little drummer man
With eyes deepest blue
Two wooden tokens laid in your hands,
Normally shared;
But not you
You can't be shared
One and one
Rock and limpet
Little Drummer man.
Love.

shiv

lilmissprincess wrote:

Two wooden tokens laid down
Your hands clutching
Your heart clutching
He's watching, smiling.
Little drummer man
With eyes deepest blue
Two wooden tokens laid in your hands,
Normally shared;
But not you
You can't be shared
One and one
Rock and limpet
Little Drummer man.
Love.

Interesting. Where does the title come in?
You've got something with the rhythm of this one, think you could lose the last line to make it stronger...

lilmissprincess

Its about sometyhing that happened between two of my best friends last friday night at a gig...

Odaise Gaelach

Very good!

But, like shiv said, I think that you should take out the last line.

lilmissprincess

And just end with "Little Drummer Man"? Meh, maybe...reasons why this makes it weaker?

Odaise Gaelach

From my point of view, it breaks up the rhythm of the poem. You've got a nice beat in the poem and then the one-word line "love" breaks it up a little.

Maybe you don't need to remove the line. If you expanded it a little, into something like, "You know I love you." It keeps in the rhythm of the poem and you get to say what you want to say (becuase I've a strange feeling that you really want to say something like "love" ).