Need Help With Ex

LegacyUser

About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend because it basically wasn't working. He was bringing my confidence down, would never accept any opinion I had that differed to his etc etc. When I broke up I told him I still want to be friends as I thought everyone understood that this means 'let's be civil' not 'let's be bosom buddies'.

For the next while he texted me and emailed me way more than is natural. And when I say texted I mean using maximum characters so each single text is actually about 6 messages long. He basically kept wanting to talk about the break up i.e. what went wrong, how he could have fixed it, **** like that. It was really frustrating me as I wanted a clean break but he was unrelenting. Just kept at me and at me and at me. Then he started talking about coming to visit me for a day as we live about 2 hours apart. I did not want this at all. He literally hadn't let me breath since we broke up and I did not want to see him yet at all. I told him I needed time but he had to have his way and wouldn't listen. Again, he kept on and on at me until I eventually snapped with anger and frustration. I burst into tears and told my Mum everything, about the constant texts and ****. Words can't express how frustrating I find this. He just won't leave me alone until he gets what he wants or hears what he wants.

Anyway, my Mum advised me to email him telling him not to contact me anymore which I did and amazingly it worked. For a week. In the last couple of days he has started texting me again wanting to chat as friends. I haven't replied but he keeps texting and ringing. Sending me those 6 message long texts asking why I won't reply and stuff like that.

I know I did say I wanted to be friends but he gave me no time to breath at all after the break up with left me feeling smothered and angry. When we were going out he was really laid back but now with all the texts and emails I've seen a different side to him. A clingy, paranoid, pushy, over-bearing side. A side that won't listen or won't back down and I don't like it one bit. I don't want to be friends with someone like that especially an ex, I can't deal with it.

Over the last month my back and neck have started hurting and in the past couple of days it's gotten so bad I can't walk. My doctor diagnosed stress and upon talking to me she deducted that it was my ex causing this stress, Obviously this can't go on, I need to walk, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I text him and tell him I don't want to be friends/talk to him that he'll just text more but if I don't text him he might not stop at me. We're in the same college and I am absolutely dreading returning to college as I don't know how he'll act. I probably haven't conveyed the extent of his texting properly but I literally feel stalked. Everyday I get numerous texts and calls, none of which I answer. I can't take it. I'm not a strong person and he is wearing me down. I just need some advice on what to do.

Dreamer 7

Change ur mobile number, i know its a pain but definetly worth it, and delete the emails before you even open them. Refuse to let him cast a cloud over your life, well done getting rid btw sounds like he could be a nightmare in an long term relationship.
Positive thinking dont let him enter your head and if you not reading what he is sending this will get easier

Good Luck

Nevyn

Find out about blocking his number from your phone, getting yourslef a new simcard and a new number and do text him to tell him that he is harasshing you via the phone and you can get his phone suspended with his service provider and that you are thinking of ringing the garda about the matter

L5

Send him a text saying if there is any more contact from him you will go to the guards and tell them everything he is doing. Do not reply to ANY texts after that. It should work.

Beruthiel

E-mail him one last time.
Tell him you never want to hear from him again.
You don't even want him to answer the e-mail, just keep away from you as he's stepped over the line and you've had enough.
Tell him you will not be answering anything he sends you.
Tell him if he see's you on the street he's to walk on by like you are a stranger.
Go further if you wish and tell him you're getting a barring order on him if he doesn't quit.

May sound a bit harsh, but if you want him off your back, it's got to be done.

LegacyUser

Don't read the texts he sends you.

Mighty_Mouse

Boys are stupid. Spell it out of the guy. Forget what will hurt him as a clean break is what he needs to understand.
Write another email and state the situation exactly.

Say
1. The relationship is over
2. When we said "friends" you meant lets be cool and civil to each other if we happen to meet.

Say you dont think friends in normal sense of the word will work as its too difficult for you to switch from romantic relationship to normal friendship.

3. State that you can't handle his intensity and persistant contact.

4. State that your mother bought you a new mobile so havent been using the old number. (ignore any requests for your new number)

4. Wish him all the best and take care.

Dont blame the guy for chasing you. Relationship fall-out brings out the absolute worst in everyone.

Buy a new phone and text everyone that you want to have your number your new number. Id suggest only giving it to your close female friends to start with .

Dont give it to his mates.

Now chill out. Enjoy your new life and occupy yourself for the next 6 months as the reasons why you broke up with your ex become clear!!!

Best of luck

The_Conductor

Unfortunately when you say "Lets just be friends" to a guy- this most often does not equate in their minds to you telling them to take a hike. I know you were most probably trying to be nice about things- unfortunately that is not how you are going to have to proceed. Be brutally honest with him- one last time, tell him that you want nothing whatsoever to do with him, and then block his number.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be nice.....

metrovelvet

ExHelp wrote:

About a month ago I broke up with my boyfriend because it basically wasn't working. He was bringing my confidence down, would never accept any opinion I had that differed to his etc etc.

Isnt it funny how you think a break up will change things and it doesnt? He's still doing that right?

ExHelp wrote:

When I broke up I told him I still want to be friends as I thought everyone understood that this means 'let's be civil' not 'let's be bosom buddies'.

Nobody ever really knows what that means. You need to draw it out, although there is usually space for a cooling off period.

You need to tell him to back off. He's having a hard time letting go but he needs to chill

ExHelp wrote:

I've seen a different side to him. A clingy, paranoid, pushy, over-bearing side. A side that won't listen or won't back down and I don't like it one bit. I don't want to be friends with someone like that especially an ex, I can't deal with it.

Good thing too you've seen this side. Imagine you didnt see it until years down the road. He's not acting like a friend, he's acting like someone who cant let go, which is admittedly very hard, but he had no respect for you when you were going out with him and he still doesnt and thats what it boils down to. You need to command his respect.

ExHelp wrote:

Over the last month my back and neck have started hurting and in the past couple of days it's gotten so bad I can't walk. My doctor diagnosed stress and upon talking to me she deducted that it was my ex causing this stress,

Ok while you are being harrassed you also need to NOT let yourself be bothered by it. I know its hard but like someone esle said, change your phone number, block it out.

ExHelp wrote:

Obviously this can't go on, I need to walk, but I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I text him and tell him I don't want to be friends/talk to him that he'll just text more but if I don't text him he might not stop at me. We're in the same college and I am absolutely dreading returning to college as I don't know how he'll act. I probably haven't conveyed the extent of his texting properly but I literally feel stalked. Everyday I get numerous texts and calls, none of which I answer. I can't take it. I'm not a strong person and he is wearing me down. I just need some advice on what to do.

First of all you're stronger than you think. Dont let him ruin college for you. Then you're letting him win. He's miserable so hes trying to make your life miserable also. Dont let him. This guy has issues, see through him for what it is and realise this is not your stuff, this is his stuff and hes laying it on you.

Did you tell him why you broke up with him? Is it some sort of closure hes seeking? Something unresolved?

JungleBunny

You will have to get the Gards involved if you want to get his number blocked from your phone.
You have to give the Gards a statement of what has been happening and then they get in touch with your service provider to block the number. They will also get in touch with the person whose number you are blocking.

From personal experience that does not work as he can text/call off another phone.
It might be hard but try to ignore it. Or you can answer the phone, but just leave it lying somewhere and go about your business... If he wants to waste his credit/run up his bill, that's his problem,

As for the emails, just set up another account... Tell other people bout your new address, just don't tell him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the quick responses. I thought I had done something wrong but your kind responses have made me realise that this isn't really my fault. I also believe I can deal with it. I don't want to change my number though. I know this may sound like I'm just being lazy or something but to me it feels like he's won. I am going to tell him I got a new number and refuse to give it to him. That way I can keep my own number but he won't know that I'm using it, if it makes sense.

Kell

ExHelp wrote:

I just need some advice on what to do.

First mistake you made- Lets be friends. It never works unless both of you are very grown up and can think objectively

Second mistake- you havent said that if he gets in contact again you call the cops.

From many a psycho ex, just tell them you will call the cops if they attempt contact again. AND if he does call/text/email, call them. In the meantime, save every mail/text and produce of evidence of hassle.

Its that easy. Dont fret and dont feel you have to be nice to this príck. He isnt pleasant and nice. He is a needy fúckwit.

K-

tinkerbell

ExHelp wrote:

I am going to tell him I got a new number and refuse to give it to him. That way I can keep my own number but he won't know that I'm using it, if it makes sense.

If you tell him you got a new number, and he texts the old one and has delivery reports on, it'll get delivered, and he'll realise you're deceiving him, and he'll probably keep texting.

So maybe you should consider something else. Just tell the guy to leave you alone, plain and simple. He should stop calling then.

Ruu_Old

I wouldn't let this go much further OP, time to stop it now before it gets any worse. Keep a record of how many times he calls/texts/emails just to be sure and send him a last email that you are feeling uncomfortable.

Darragh29

JungleBunny wrote:

You will have to get the Gards involved if you want to get his number blocked from your phone.
You have to give the Gards a statement of what has been happening and then they get in touch with your service provider to block the number. They will also get in touch with the person whose number you are blocking.

From personal experience that does not work as he can text/call off another phone.
It might be hard but try to ignore it. Or you can answer the phone, but just leave it lying somewhere and go about your business... If he wants to waste his credit/run up his bill, that's his problem,

As for the emails, just set up another account... Tell other people bout your new address, just don't tell him.

Getting Guards involved sounds seriously heavy handed and over-reactive for this problem. Meet up with him and tell him to his face that its over, your seeing someone else, you don't want to be in contact, take care. Bring some bloke/friend along who can pretend to be your new boyfriend if you really want to make the point.

If he still keeps annoying you, get one of his friends to talk to him or just change your number...

Sleipnir

Call the Gardai? Why bother them? Just buy a new sim card, they only cost about 20 euro and that will be the end of the texting.

Kell

Sleipnir wrote:

Call the Gardai? Why bother them? Just buy a new sim card, they only cost about 20 euro and that will be the end of the texting.

Why should she? She isnt doing anything wrong here.

For the record, the cops take a fairly dim view of this type of hassle and are usually fairly quick to respond. It usually goes,

You call them, they call the offender, hassle over and no time wasting.

K-

Miguel_Sanchez

I wouldn't buy a new sim. Block his number. Most phones have this facility nowadays don't they?

Also let him know that 'being friends' isn't working out and tell him why. Tell him that you don't want any more contact with him and that you will be blocking his number. Let him know that any further attempts by him to contact you will be viewed as harrassment and you will be going to the cops.

If he does try to contact you make good on your threat.

LegacyUser

Or the OP could stop running away like a guilty schoolgirl and sit down and give the guy the closure he is looking for. Making him out like some kind of monster when all he's doing is trying to get in touch with her toget closure on the relationship is a tad cruel don't you think OP.

Ok, you broke up and coincidentally enough there was another guy around the scene at the same time. You hooked up and now you can't talk to your original boyfriend because he's asking annoying questions, questions which are just too exasperating because you know that what he wants to know is only fair and you were a bit disingenuous with him. The more you shut him out the more he will want to know so sit down with him one night and apologise/do whatever you have to do and get it out of your system and his. Then you won't feel pressured because you will have offloaded most of the guilt you are currently feeling.

Making him out to be a psycho is a bit rich though - if there was no price for cheating on / ****ing someone around then we'd all be doing it and the world would be a fairly savage place. Have some respect and live up to a decent set of ethics for once girl or something like this will bite you badly in the ass sometime in the future.

Stress my ass. You know you aren't doing the right thing. Stress...how unbelievably convenient

REDZ

2sides2This? wrote:

Ok, you broke up and coincidentally enough there was another guy around the scene at the same time. You hooked up and now you can't talk to your original boyfriend because he's asking annoying questions, questions which are just too exasperating because you know that what he wants to know is only fair and you were a bit disingenuous with him.
Making him out to be a psycho is a bit rich though - if there was no price for cheating on / ****ing someone around then we'd all be doing it and the world would be a fairly savage place. Have some respect and live up to a decent set of ethics for once girl or something like this will bite you badly in the ass sometime in the future.

Eh? i didn't see nothing about another guy in the OP's post. You have a nasty attitude towards the OP, whys that i wonder?

Miguel_Sanchez

2sides2This? wrote:

Or the OP could stop running away like a guilty schoolgirl and sit down and give the guy the closure he is looking for. Making him out like some kind of monster when all he's doing is trying to get in touch with her toget closure on the relationship is a tad cruel don't you think OP.

Ok, you broke up and coincidentally enough there was another guy around the scene at the same time. You hooked up and now you can't talk to your original boyfriend because he's asking annoying questions, questions which are just too exasperating because you know that what he wants to know is only fair and you were a bit disingenuous with him. The more you shut him out the more he will want to know so sit down with him one night and apologise/do whatever you have to do and get it out of your system and his. Then you won't feel pressured because you will have offloaded most of the guilt you are currently feeling.

Making him out to be a psycho is a bit rich though - if there was no price for cheating on / ****ing someone around then we'd all be doing it and the world would be a fairly savage place. Have some respect and live up to a decent set of ethics for once girl or something like this will bite you badly in the ass sometime in the future.

Stress my ass. You know you aren't doing the right thing. Stress...how unbelievably convenient

Yeah - are you reading the same post at all? She didn't mention any new guy at all. She has told him that it's over and she doesn't want him to contact her but yet he does. Now I'm not saying he's a psycho and she didn't say that either, but he is sending her unwanted texts and she wants him to stop.

You sound like you're bitter from your own personal experiences. Please don't start implying things about the OP though that you couldn't possibly know.

Darragh29

2sides2This? wrote:

.

Ok, you broke up and coincidentally enough there was another guy around the scene at the same time. You hooked up and now you can't talk to your original boyfriend because he's asking annoying questions, questions which are just too exasperating because you know that what he wants to know is only fair and you were a bit disingenuous with him.Stress my ass. You know you aren't doing the right thing. Stress...how unbelievably convenient

Don't see any mention of "another guy" as you have referred to above in the OP. Unless I'm missing something, this is pure speculation on your part, from my reading of her OP, it doesn't sound like there was anyone else involved in this and it doesn't sound like she is seeing someone else, which would be neither here nor there in any event, she is single and can see who she wants.

She sounds genuine to me, I wouldn't be running to the Guards here as others have hinted at, but having said that I personally know of a situation similar to this where the problem almost identical to above escalated to the point where the guy wrote daily letters to the girl and started turning up at her door begging to talk to her and when he was told no, he started kicking the door and being agressive. In this case the Guards were involved and the matter ended there. I don't think that will happen here, the guy obviously was used to having a certain degree of emotional control over the OP, her post suggests this, its probably come like a bolt from the blue to him that she took back control over her own life and took the situation in hand and is now a happier person for it, save for the hassle her ex is currently putting her through. More power to her I think, I think a little firmness now will save the problem becoming ulgy later on. But I don't think its fair at all to slate her over some other person that you have made up just because this might have happened to you in the past...

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Get his number blocked from your phone & add his e-maill addy to your spam block list.

Change your sim if necesarry & tell your college mates before you go back what the deal is so they can give you some moral support. Best of luck.

tbh

Op, just cut him out. Don't read his texts, just delete them. Don't read his emails, answer his calls, etc. Whenever he tries to get in contact, just ignore him. You owe it to yourself. DONT FEEL GUILTY.

bacon?

my god, how old is this guy, 12?

this has gone from nusiance to stalking.

stern email basicly saying, don't ever contact me again or i'm going to the police.

if he does, get some legal advice.

OwenHargreaves

I've been in this situation before - except as the semi-stalker ex doing the whole texting and emailing etc!!! I was with my ex-gf for 2 and a half years, very close to each other, cared about her a lot, then for a variety of reasons we split up. Initially i was ok about it - more time for myself, more freedom to go out with the lads, part of me glad to go back to a single life. But this feeling didnt last too long, then i really missed the day-to-day part of being with her, missed certain things about her....basically just missed her not being in my life anymore.

So i'd text a lot and she was nice enough in the beginning to be understanding and patient about it. The more it went on though, the more she felt like the OP , that the constant texting and contact wasn't giving her the time or space to move on with her life. Retrospect is a wonderful thing, but if i could go back and do things over, i would def do things differently. The more i texted, the more i pushed her away and any prospects of remaining friends or close to each other were gone.

Equally though, IMO you should do the exact opposite of what everyone else has been saying. I think the best thing you can do is text him and say you'll meet him for lunch someday when you get back to college and not to be in contact until then. Just talk to him for a while, i honestly feel if you take the time in person to convey how you feel, it will achieve much better results. Tell him you cared about him and prob still do, however the relationship is over and the more he texts and tries to contact you, the less likely you'll ever want to talk to him again.

I know its easy to be harsh on the guy but i think most people know how it feels to be on the wrong end of a break-up, some people handle it differently to others but i have some sympathy for the guy, he will realise in time (as i did) that he has handled the situation v badly and will regret his actions.

DawnMc

OP, I'd advise that you actually name what he is doing. Tell him he is constantly texting you etc. I know it sounds obvious but he may not realise the extent of what e is doing

TheWolf

You could always send him here

Maybe he'll get the message