Mum dying of cancer

LegacyUser

Going unregged on this one.

I'm a 32 year old guy, happily married with a brilliant 2 yr old son. My mum has fought cancer for the last 14 years but today we were told that she probably only has six months left to live as chemo has done as much as it can and she is on treatment now to extend her quality of life as opposed to cure her. In a way I am sort of glad that the end is in sight because we have fought this for so long but in another way I can't imagine a world without my mum in it. Is it silly for a fully grown man with his own family to be saying this? I haven't been able to sleep properly for weeks because I have feared that this would happen and now that it has been confirmed I'm still all over the place. I'm also the eldest of my family and they are leaning on me for support in terms of asking questions etc. I don't know what to do. I'm also angry that my son won't get to know his Granny and that she won't get to see him grow up. She's only 62 - by rights she should still have another 20 years left with us. I'm not asking for anyone to click their fingers and make this go away - I know that that can't happen but are these feelings I am feeling normal. I'm extremely lucky in that I have had a great life and upbringing and left had to go through anything like this before? Has anyone else gone through this? Can they tell me how they coped?

LegacyUser

Unreg159357 wrote:

Going unregged on this one.

I'm a 32 year old guy, happily married with a brilliant 2 yr old son. My mum has fought cancer for the last 14 years but today we were told that she probably only has six months left to live as chemo has done as much as it can and she is on treatment now to extend her quality of life as opposed to cure her. In a way I am sort of glad that the end is in sight because we have fought this for so long but in another way I can't imagine a world without my mum in it. Is it silly for a fully grown man with his own family to be saying this? I haven't been able to sleep properly for weeks because I have feared that this would happen and now that it has been confirmed I'm still all over the place. I'm also the eldest of my family and they are leaning on me for support in terms of asking questions etc. I don't know what to do. I'm also angry that my son won't get to know his Granny and that she won't get to see him grow up. She's only 62 - by rights she should still have another 20 years left with us. I'm not asking for anyone to click their fingers and make this go away - I know that that can't happen but are these feelings I am feeling normal. I'm extremely lucky in that I have had a great life and upbringing and left had to go through anything like this before? Has anyone else gone through this? Can they tell me how they coped?

Yeah, I have when I was about 23. These are normal feelings, to feel relivied that the suffering is over and to be angry and exhausted that its all on your shoulders.

I too was the eldest and my parents are also divorced so it really did lie all on me. I was working full time and after work going to the hospital and signing dnrs etc etc. I was running my dads life also while he was ill, paying his bills, answering his phone, dealing with work and friends trying to reach him. The worst part was watching someone deteriorate before your eyes, watching the cancer eat them and destroy their dignity, their mental faculties, oh my god it was awful.

I dont have kids but I have often gotten incredibly sad thinking that when I do they wont have met him and he didnt get to meet them either. But I also didnt know my grandparents and well, I dont know, its not that bad.

Be sure to tell your mother you love her and that its ok for her to go. Tell her you are all grown up now and happy and she doesnt need to worry about leaving you. This was something my father really needed to hear and I was unable to say it, so a friend of his came to his deathbed and said it for me and my father died in peace the next evening, his last sight being of snow falling outside.

I think of death as something which stops us from having the chance to make new memories together. Make sure you take advantage of the next months that you have her here with you. And I am so so sorry. Believe me I feel it. Even thinking about it spills tears.

You cope because you have to. Something kicks in. Its afterwards that you need to be careful. I went off the rails for about three years. Partied like crazy and did some very stupid things. But everyone is different. That you have a son will probably keep you sane.

Its ok to be all over the place, but be strong for her. Let her enjoy her remaining time by doing your best not to be all over the place, or at least put on a brave face. Its the noble thing to do. Its our job as children to usher our parents out of this world. They are only on loan to us.

Black Swan

Unreg159357 wrote:

Is it silly for a fully grown man with his own family to be saying this?

No it's not! You sound like a grand son, one that your mum is very proud of for sure!

Aura

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you OP.
Found out yesterday evening that my Mum has breast cancer.
She starts treatment next week.
I'm the eldest of the only two siblings left at home. The rest are settled in other parts of the country/world.
So bloody scared! Feel like I'm two again or something, not all of thirty!
Really gonna try keep it together for her, put on a brave face and walk with her through it.
That's all we can do really, isn't it? Love and support them wherever or whenever we can...

Marksie

No its not, my father has fought cancer and strokes for the past 15 years. At christmas he had another bout of cancer ad then in february a stroke where he was given 48 hours. He fought that but like your mother his cancer has returned and he is too weak for treatment.

I go to see him as much as possible, which is hard as he lives in the uk. But you shouldnt have to share this burden alone... tell your siblings etc that you could do with help and support yourself.

make sure your mum sees your grandchild as much as possible, although he is only two, make sure you take plenty of photos of his granny, videos anything, even a personal taped message from your mum.. something tangible for him to have and hold and something for your mum to know she will leave for him when he becomes old enough to understand.

See her as much as you are able, but stay grounded with your wife and child. Don't bottle sentiments..let them show.

Let your mum know how much you love her and let her know proud you are that she is your mum.... let her last months, if posible be good ones.

Take care

rubastar

It will be one of the hardest times of your life but you will get through it. Everybody told me that and I used to hate it but it is true.

5 years ago my mother found out she had cancer and died after a year and i couldn't cope for a long time or didn't know how to. I'm 25 now and went into complete denial when I found out she was sick and avoided it as much as I could, which was wrong and prevented me from dealing with it. I would say to you to face up to it as much as you can and be as open with her as you can and talk, talk, talk! There is so much now I wish I had said so make sure you say everything you could possibly want to.

Last year my dad told us that he was very sick and was going to die soon which completely knocked me back. He had leukaemia for over 5 years but never told anyone as he thought it would have been too much for us after my mothers death. I only found out 3 weeks before he died and that affects me a lot now as I would have done so many things differently and said so many things had I known.

One thing that makes me so sad is that if I do have children, they will never have known my parents and thats a huge thing for me as I always had my grandparents while I was growing up (and still do).

So, as strange as it might sound, enjoy this time you have left with her and I'm sure she will want that. Have her enjoy your son as much as she can and do what you can so he remembers her and his short time with her.

If you need to pm me anytime, feel free and good luck

bookiebasher

my thoughts are with u.My dad died over 2 years ago of a brain tumour aged 60 and all of the things going through your mind went through mine.My little girl is 5 now but I made sure I got loads of photos so she would never forget him.
Tell your mother how much u love her as the one thing I cherish is that I got to say things to my dad that I would not have said if circumstances were different.

blooeyes

hi
I am so sorry you are going through this and as i read your words and others i am crying. Your feelings are perfectly normal. I lost my mum 6yrs ago to cancer and i still cry and think about her every day. But i also get on with my life, you have too. I get upset that she's not there to see the things we have done or to see her grandchildren grow, she loved them and us so much. But i also know she is watching over us and guiding us each day. My thoughts are with you and I know somehow you will find the right things to say and do for your mother. As other's have said, make memories and make them as happy as possible. Take care.

yrrag1974

Guys - just a quick note to thank you all for your posts. It makes it slightly easier knowing that other people have gone through this and reached the other side.

LadyJ

OP,I lost my mother to a brain hemorrhage when I was 11 and then my Grandmother,who had cared for me after that,died last year after suffering for a long time with cancer.

It is never silly to be afraid or to grieve. Not when you're 10,not when you're 30,not even when you're 70. I'm 20 now and I'm still not over losing my mother. It's not something we can get over. We can only try to accept it,which in itself,is hard enough.

You know,before my mother died,she had short-term memory loss for two years as she had suffered a previous brain hemorrhage to the one that killed her. Anyway,she could remember everything in her life up until she got sick,but then she couldn't make new memorires after that.

The thing is though,the one thing she never remembered,even though she remembered everything else,was that her father was dead. Now he had died when she was in her 30s,but clearly her subconscious had never really come to terms with that so it was never properly stored in her mind.

All I'm saying is that adults too can have a hard time dealing with death and sometimes we are so busy trying to keep it all together that we forget we need time to grieve. Take the time to grieve and to accept your loss.

No one can ever replace a parent. It doesn't matter how old we get or how many kids we have,we are still somebody's child and they are still our parents so we have every right to feel like our world is collapsing when they die.

Don't be ashamed of how you feel and have some compassion for yourself in your time of need.

Also,you may not want to do this but,if you feel that you're not dealing with the whole thing very well,then get yourself a good therapist. Sometimes it's just good to be able to grieve and talk through this grief with someone so that you can work out how you are really feeling. Sometimes we think that we are fine but really we are just numb so don't neglect or ignore your grief just because you feel that the show must go on. If you do then it will only rear it's head in different forms in the future.

Dr.Bunson

I'm a 28 year guy who was in a similar position to you. Two weeks ago was my fathers 10th anniversary. He was 44 when he died and had been fighting cancer for 16 years. That means he was my age when he got it first...

I can still remember every minute of his final weeks, and I can tell you that it will not be easy. When the moment finally came for him, we (his children, wife, brother, sister and parents-in-law) were all in the room with him. There was the usual sorrow that you would expect to accompany such an event, but there was also a sense of relief.

When he came to the point where he was told that he only had six month was painful for all of us, but not for my father. He set about plans for that would take care of his young family, financially, after he had gone. He was so strong minded about getting everything in order before he went that he outlasted the six month target by a year and a half.

I was 18; my siblings were 16, 11 and 8. Each of have different recollections and feelings about the events. Like you I am the eldest and was 'most responsible', I have vivid memories of that period in my life. My sister was 8 at the time does not have the same recollection as I do. I wish she knew him as well as I do.

A couple of years ago I found some old video footage of my father when he was well. It was great to show this to the rest of my family. It took away the images (for my younger siblings) of a weak tired man, and gave them images of somebody that loved them. If you have access to a video camera, record your mother interacting with your son, while she is still well. It will be great for you and great for you son to see, in future years, that he did know his grandmother, and that they were pals. Record yourself with her two, doing something you both like. It will help, when you are feeling down to remember how she was.

You will be angry; 10 years on I am still sometimes angry. My father was a family man that dedicated most of his time to his kids. He didn't smoke, took the occasional drink, and was not exposed to any carcinogenic substances through work. There are people that are the complete opposite to this still around. It's not fair.

Be honest. Tell your mother that you love her. Spend as much time as you can with her. Don't fight with her. Don't keep secrets from her, if you broke her favourite vase when you were 5 and blamed it on your brother, tell her. If you make her promises, stick to them. I promised my father (before he fell unconscious) that I would give up smoking; he didn't want me to go through what he was going through. It took me 9 years after his death to do this, and I hated the last nine years of my smoking life. But now I can say "See, Dad, I kept my promise to you, aren't you proud of me?"

Enjoy the rest of your mother’s life, and help her to enjoy it too. I hope my story helps you. Feel free to send me a PM if you need to.

billy the squid

You should take comfort in the fact that your mother has lived long enough to see you grow up and start a family of your own. I didn't really know my own mother as she died when i was 12. plus the fact I was in a boarding school. But every once in a while we would end up talking about what memories we all had of her, and later when my Father died too, him. We would dig out the old records and talk about what memories the different tunes brought back, saying things like "God do you remember this tune and Mam refusing to let you go to the disco dressed like a Bay City Roller." (in referrence to one of my older sisters as the bay city rollers were before my time) It is through these occourances that I got to know what kind of person my mother was.

My father was roughly the same age as your mother (he was 67, I was 18) whe he died. like your mum, he had terminal cancer, although we only found out about six months before he died. I knew my father better, and missed his absence more, but life goes on. Just try not to wallow in grief.

It is a perfectly normal feeling to see a loved one's suffering come to an end, so I wouldn't feel guilty for thinking like that. Most people will have to go through the death of their parents, and you can be sure that they have the same feelings you do.