Unhappy and need some advice.

thewayisnay

I'm in my mid 20's, and outwardly Im a happy, content successful bloke.
Really Im fed up and I know I need to do something different because Im not happy and worried about things.
A lot of $hit happened to me when I was a child and a teenager, and for a few years I was very, very down..sucicidal etc.
I got most of that side of my life reasonably under control and put all my energy into my carear, but aside from that I don't feel like I've a lot going on.
I moved away from my home place around this time last year, and while the job Im working at is fine, not a lot else is.
Even when I was in school/college I never made a huge amount of friends, those I was friendly with I now have moved on/work/relationships etc and to be honest whenever Im in their company I feel like i dont fit in.
I suppose I can say that we've drifted apart a lot, it's just life.
Anyways I like the place in which I live, I have real independence for the first time in my life and I like it to a point, because I know hardly anyone and I'm fairly lonely.
Over the past few months I drifted back into my old ways..over the last few months I've been very down, im thinking negative things for the first time in an age and I cant seem to get myself out of this rut.
My sisters and parents are quite a few years older than me, we aren't particularly close and to be honest they just think Im working away, going out and happy out.
The reality is a bit different, but I have to get through this on my own because to be honest I feel like a bit of a failure for the fact that I haven't managed to move completely on.
Im as depressed today as I was in the worst of it, eight or nine years ago and I'm running out of ideas.
I've tried all the counsellors stuff and it didn't work, i just have to get through it myself but i cant.
Sad as it sounds, one of the only things that gives me any pleasure at the minute is the gym, i forget for the few hours that I am there.
To be honest by this stage I thought I would have had gotten things much more under control that I have, and I also thought I'd have more friends, and a life, than I do.
Friendships and confidence seems to come so easily to others.
I'm actually going to do something that scares the hell out of me tonight, and that's hitting a pub on my own.
Im just sick of staying in/being on my own but to be honest I'm very apprehensive cause its not the way that it should be.
Im a normal enough guy but heading out on your own is weird.
Anyways thanks for reading my rant Im just desperate for some pointers...and how do I avoid looking like a sleezy loner when I head out tonight?
Sincerely yours,
Fed up

LundiMardi

Sometimes when you're alone, you think of things and put yourself into positions that you don't want to be in, in your case, you think of the past and the memories you want to forget.

You need to get out of the house, i know it's said so many times on this forum, but it really will work. You need hobbies, extra curricular activities:) What do you like to do? Go join a sports club, or do an evening course.. The will all keep your mind occupied while improving your social alter ego.

Maybe in your current state, a bar is probably not the best place to be, especially on your own.

LegacyUser

Hi I just read your message and can relate. I too had a hard run of life childhood, etc and am now just getting into a time where things are actually for once okay. Its funny though because now is the time when I find I'm thinking more about the past etc. I've joined the gym for the last fun months and its been really postive but sort of lonely at the same time, lack of interaction. Pushing myself I've joined some classes and forced myself to make contact with people and then make an effort and follow through.Life ain't easy but it's worth the effort like most good things.Every day things are getting brighter and for once in my life I haven't had to turn to counselling, medication etc. One thing I have found really well is a book called the Artists Way its a workbook by Julia Cameron. Its not for artists but just focuses you on yourself and helps you to be naturally creative. It focused me on how my time was spent and instead of thinking too much on my own I now cherish that time and spend it well. It also has a tool called the morning pages where you write for 3 pages on whatever comes into your head when you first wake up. It helps you clear your head of all the negative stuff. It really works. Anyways hope you had a good night out. I've done that myself sometimes [which is unusual for a girl i guess] and I've had some amazing nights out. You musn't drink too much and force yourself to make chit chat and smile. Be approachable and honest that your out by yourself. There are some nice people out there. You'd be surprised how many people are in similar situations.
Good Luck

Strokesfan

You are definately not alone in this predicament - there are alot of people who post here that are otherwise successful decent people but are feeling a little isolated.

I've a tendancy to look inward, thinking negative thoughts myself so I know where you're coming from. I bought this book (I know the title sounds cheesy) Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies

http://www.amazon.co.uk/o/ASIN/0470018380/ref=s9_asin_image_1/202-5082001-7664609

It's really good - it's not a boring psycho-babble or meditation book - it's really to the point, practical and humourous in dealing with negative thinking, anxiety and such. I've tried moaning to a counsellor and I found it completely unhelpful and depressing so this is a much better approach.

Also settling in and establishing yourself in a new location takes a lot longer than alot of people give it. Co-workers can be distant etc - it's not like college where everyone's in the same boat starting. I think it's really good that you go the the gym and take care of yourself in that sense - everything else will come in time. I'm finding alot of my friends are paired off or moved away too so I can relate to that too.
I thought the bar thing was quite a good idea because it gets you out and you can probably chat with the ol' boyo next to ya - someone might even approach you.
You could do an evening course that's not just taking notes and learning - something practical and a laugh where you can mix with people - check up online is there anything available one night a week in your area.

Seriously though - recommend that book - it puts things in perspective

DirkVoodoo

Definitely, there are always times when you feel like you are the only one, but you aren't and its ok to feel that way. I would say pick up the phone, call some of your friends, even if its only for a 5 minute chat. Peoples lives change (family, jobs, etc.) but more often than not, your friends will always be the same and will always care about you.

I have often thought about people i havent seen in a while, then i meet up with them and we chat about the same things we used to, even though so much has changed in between.

Your friends will always be there for you, real friends anyway. The fact that you have a small, core group of friends speaks more highly of you. Generally, people who surround themselves with lots of other people have very few, if any, "real" friends who will come to them in a time of need, or make sacrifices for them.

I hope none of this is getting lost in translation, the internet can sometimes skew the meaning behind a post.

Black Swan

Besides the gym, what else do you really enjoy doing? Is there a group you can join that enjoys it too? Try to find one with a good mix of young males and females. Almost sounds like a girl in your life would improve things some, too? Maybe you would find her in this group? Beats doing the booze and pick up thing in pubs and clubs.

thewayisnay

Thanks for your posts of encouragement but it didn’t go as planned, the whole drinking on my own.
Dressed well went out took up a pew close to the bar where lots of people passed but I got fed up of it after about two and half hours of sculling the black stuff and I was gone.
To be perfectly honest I felt better before I went out, because when I was sitting there I was thinking how the ?uck did it come to this sitting in a bar on my own on a weekend night, and I’m a young bloke.
There was a few people seated five or six feet away but I didn’t want to seem too clingy by latching on, anyways I didn’t have a clue what to say..at all.
In the end I had my drink and feeling my mood getting even worse thinking very negative I made a dive for the exit and that was it.
Yeah I probably should have tried to chat with people but to be honest, there was the lounge girl (now then I would have seemed fairly sleazy) and a few couples who didn’t want to be bothered, and I don’t blame them one bit!
-What do I enjoy doing, well most outdoor pursuits, to be honest I’m open to most things but I’m not living in a huge place…it’s like I’m arriving into a place where everyone has their own lives/friends and that’s it. Maybe Im wrong!
Yes a girl in my live would improve things, but there’s not a chance of that happening until I get my $hit together.
I’ll keep an eye out for the courses of which people speak, but at this rate it will be quite a while before I get things together properly.

grockle

i can sympathise, really i can.

is there anything you're good at like a hobby or sth you could do with others - join a sswim club or a footie team? that way you dont have to immerse yourself in the social merrygoround but you have some people to go for a ddrink with after the match/whatever.

doing a class is a brill idea imo.

goodluck and the first steps are the hardest

conky_05

i'd say a nice girl would definately get you in a better mood. have you ever considered meeting anyone online ? ? do you use chatrooms or online dating services ?