Older woman

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, long time poster here, but I thought I'd go un-reg for this one. It's long.

I'm twenty-six, and five years ago, in college (2nd year), I started seeing a thirty-seven year old woman, she was in my class.

It wasn't a 'normal' relationship by any standard. She has two kids - 20 (daughter) and 16 (son) I think - and at the time we started 'seeing' each other was living with their father. They are NOT married however. And before we were with each other for the first time that relationship was over, she came to college talking about this bloke and how much of a bas.tard he was. It's not as if she was having an affair with me or anything.

The first time we kissed in a nightclub in town, then went back to another classmate's house and we had sex. When we were in college during the week everything was like it always was - no awkwardness or anything, but we didn't go on like a couple either. We had sex on an irregular basis, I suppose we were feck buddies. For instance, I was in work one evening and she rang me and told me to come into town later that night, she had booked a hotel room for us. I went in of course. Another time one of the girls in our class was getting married and we all went down. Myself and this woman didn't get a room together, but ended up in the same bed on both nights anyway. This all was in about a year and a half or thereabouts. That weekend of the wedding she told me she wanted to end the situation. The reason she gave was that her friends in the class had told her that I was only using her. I found this a strange reason to say the least, surely we were both doing the same thing? I accepted her decision anyway, and we ended what we had been doing. I wasn't heartbroken. I didn't regret what we had done, and I just accepted that it had come to an end.

After we left college most of us stayed in touch, and every six weeks or so we'd all meet up for drinks or whatever. She wouldn't be out at every one of these meet ups, but the ones she did come to me and her got on like a house on fire. Nothing ever happened though, we'd always talk about what happened, but it was never an issue, for me anyway, I don't know what she was thinking about, that it was on the cards again. I had a girlfriend anyway. As I said, most of the group in college stayed in touch with each other by text, email, phone etc. Myself and her would exchange text messages from time to time, just to say 'Hi' or whatever. The normal stuff friends do I suppose. It was nothing I wasn't doing with the others from the group, and as far as I could tell she was keeping in touch the same with them too.

Some stuff happened and I broke up with my girlfriend - nothing to do with the college people.

About a year ago I was going away for a long time, so of course I had a 'Going Away' night with my old college friends, of course they all came out. Because we are all college mates, none of us live really close to each other, so at the end of the night it was myself, her and another couple of the group left. The other two lived in roughly the same direction, so got into a taxi, leaving myself and the woman together. It wasn't a strange situation, we started having a chat. I was going to miss Dublin and nights like this one with mates, she said she always had a great time when she came out with us, and that we were always up for a laugh, nice to get away from her home situation.

She had been going through a bad time with the father of the children, he had moved out, but was still causing some hassle. Anyway, I went away, and again, kept in touch with everyone from college, and they had nights out here while I was away.

I had to come home in January, unscheduled, so we had a night out for a meet up and catch up. She was there, and the same situation as the last night happened. It was the two of us left at the end of the night, only this time it was in the nightclub. So we had a dance, it got a bit raunchy, then the club was over and we left. Walking down Grafton Street she slipped her hand into my coat pocket and held my hand, then when we got to College Green she kissed me. It was nice, I kissed her back. We kissed for a while, then she told me she 'knew it would special to see me again' and that she 'loves me'. I was shocked to say the least. I was leaving two days later, back to where I had been, and had a busy schedule, so we couldn't meet up again.

So back I went, and I didn't hear from her for months, so I just texted her as normal. Telling her what I had been doing etc etc, and she texted back as normal too. It kept going until I was home in mid July.

When I did get home, another one of the lads from the college group was getting married, and I assumed she'd be there, I didn't even think to ask if she was going, just assumed she was. When I arrived, she wasn't so I asked where she was, and someone said she had other plans. A few days later I texted saying we had had a great night at the wedding. She said it was a pity she hadn't made it, she was looking forward to seeing me, so I suggested coffee. She agreed, but said that her work roster for the following week hadn't come out yet, so she'd let me know, I said cool, let me know then, I had all the free time in the world as I had no job yet. This was four weeks ago, and still nothing.

Should I contact her and she if she's still up for it? I've been thinking about what she said about loving me, and to be honest, I did enjoy that kiss last January. I know I am attracted to her, I suppose we wouldn't have had sex otherwise, and I know I wasn't using her all those years ago.

I don't have an issue with the age gap, and I don't really care what my mates think about it. Should I contact her? Ask her if she fancies going out? Leave it?

ircoha

I would leave it if I were you.

At the risk of being blown out by the others on the site, the one question I would ask is in the greater scheme of things do you see yourself settling down and having kids?
If so and the math is correct, she is 42.

Dirk Gently

So her daughter is 20

Seriously though, if I was madly in love with her and couldn't stop thinking about her I would definitely go for it but if you're unsure or if you just have "feelings" for her but nothing stronger than that then I wouldn't take it any further. Older women are great but at 42 she will probably have different goals than you at 26 and even if you both have the same goals right now it is more likely to change in time with such a big age difference. Think long and hard before offering something you might not be able to provide. It wouldn't be fair on her, although as I said if you think she is "the one" then by all means go for it. I've only been with one girl who I felt truly compatible with and I always regret letting her go.

Sorry about the conflicting advice, just be as sure as you can be when making the decision and if in doubt don’t risk hurting yourself and her by jumping in when you’re not really after the same thing. Best thing would be to talk to her about what she wants. Unfortunately that's a more practical rather than romantic way of reaching a decision but sometimes the head has to dictate to the heart in order for things to work out.

Black Swan

I don't think there's a future in it, but perhaps that is not your interest? You mentioned a g/f in your long post, but I was uncertain if she was still an item for you. If you are still with g/f, then definitely not.

Ruu_Old

It depends what you want to have in the long run OP, like what you want to do after college might change as might things this lady you are seeing. Just think very hard about what you intend your life goals to be. Good luck.

jubi lee

i'd say she was pissed whne she said she loved you. if it's been 4 weeks, i'd leave it. she isn't interested.

Miss Fluff

Unreg_for_this_ wrote:

Should I contact her and she if she's still up for it? I've been thinking about what she said about loving me, and to be honest, I did enjoy that kiss last January. I know I am attracted to her, I suppose we wouldn't have had sex otherwise, and I know I wasn't using her all those years ago.

Contact her and see if she's up for what? What do you want from this?

Maybe she seems more appealing now because she is incommunicado? Could you perhaps be finding her all that more appealing becuase it's been 4 weeks and seems less keen than on previous occasions?

Do you want to go back to being f8ck buddies with no strings or do you want it to be more serious?

Not clear from your post why you are looking for advice tbh.