Timeless Tommie Cooper

spoofilyj

1.Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant
.
2. Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

3. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

4. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

5. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

6. Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

7. "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

8. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

9. So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."

10. A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

12. "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling
from.'"

13. "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

16. Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

19. A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

21. I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
22. You know those Mange-tout?
They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one
23. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
24. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

25. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Chinafoot

Hehe some good ones there.

tbh

Guy walks into a hotel dressed in a suit of armor. Says "have you got a room for a (k)night".

Kojak

Lol.

stipey

aren't some of those Tim Vine gags

I'm pretty sure the "steaks are too high" one is.

Its worth checking out Tim Vine on YouTube.com for a feast of quick fire one liners

Chinafoot

To be honest, Tim Vine always struck me as a Tommy Cooper wannabe. He tries the same style that Cooper always used and, imo, can't really compare.

stipey

I agree that his style is similar but....just because somebody's style is similar doesn't mean that they are a wannabe of the individual that perfected the particular style of made it popular.

I do a bit of stand-up myself and I reckon there are only around 10 types (or styles) of jokes - and by that I don't mean "knock-knock" or "a man walks into a bar". I'm referring to comedy techniques such as misunderstanding, misfortune, wordplay, stupidity, surreal, exaggeration, sarcasm, satire and parody.

One liners are probably 70% wordplay so its kind of inevitable that anybody who bases their act solely on that particular style is going to be compared with Cooper. That comparrison probably isn't helped by the fact that there are so few people doing sets based almost entirely on one liners now.

Tommy Cooper is one of my comedy heroes - along with Milligan and Morecambe - so I'm definitely not biased towards Vine when i say that.

Chinafoot

I guess like most things in life it comes down to personal preference. I love Tommy Cooper and I like his style. I don't like Tim Vine. I can't really help but compare him to Tommy Cooper but to me he just comes across as a "karaoke-type" version.

It's not that I think everyone who tries the same style of humour is a wannabe of the person who perfected it, but in Time Vine's case..I don't know really, I just don't like him.

There are also different ways of approaching the 'one-liner' style. Look at Steven Wright...can't really compare him to Tommy

admiralofthefleet

a couple more.

so i had a dream last night that i ate a giant marshmallow, i woke up this morning and the pillow was gone

i went to lunch the other day and ordered everything in french, surprised everyone, i was in a chinese restaurant

i was having dinner in a restaurant the other night when i called the waiter over. i said 'waiter this chicken is cold' he said 'what do you expect its been dead for a week'