Parent issues, alcoholism

LegacyUser

I don't even know where to start with this post, but I have to get it out somewhere!

Ok, well without going into to much detail for fear of being recognised...my mother is an alcoholic(all be it a dry one now), and my father was a total enabler until the separated about 12yrs ago. I was the youngest of a big family so was protected from alot of the crap that went on, but still managed to get the brunt of her outbursts, verba, emotional and physical after the others had left home.

My siblings on the other hand had to deal with everything from physical, emotional and verbal abuse and being completely unprotected from 3rd party sexual and physical abuse!

I've been through Alateen, Alanon and even did an ACOA(adult children of alcoholics) couse, but I'm still damned angry with these 'people' that called them selves our parents! I really don't want to have anything to do with them, but my sister who is seriously emotionally damaged by their actions(aren't we all though!) insists that we make an effort to be there for them because they're getting older now and won't be around for long. I just can't do it!

My mother is still a total narsasist without the drink, no matter what we do it MUST revolve around her and it's NEVER enough! Nothing is ever good enough, we're never good enough! I don't want my children exposed to her attidude for starters, when she talks to or about them it's always 'That's very good BUT...' and there's always a negative to follow!

My father is just as bad, in fact.. living with him I can almost understand how she turned to drink in the first place!

I know I have serious issues with them, but I don't know how I can get over it. They just seem to reinforce these issues any time I have extended contact with them. I mean.. look at me now, I'm posting this on a public forum in an attempt to get 'approval' not to have to talk to or deal with these people!

Has ANYONE come out the other side of this? Will I eventually be able to swollow what they did to us and have some kind of relationship with them? Or would I be better off just cutting all ties and getting on with my own life.

Hippo

Therapy therapy therapy. pm me if you want the number of someone good, it can give you some direction.

meow

My dad was an alcoholic for a long time, thankfully he made the decision a couple of years ago to stop drinking.

But i fully understand what its like to be the child of an alcoholic.

Let your sister do what she wants to do, it her life.
In turn you live yours according to you. Your sister cannot dictate your actions. If you feel no guilt in removing yourself from your parents then I say do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You still sound very bitter and angry.
Its good to let go of that for yourself, it doesn't mean you have to forgive your parents, it just means you're giving yourself permission to break free from their legacy.

Have you come across the book Toxic Parents?
It deals with abuse issues relating to alcoholic parents.
It might be worth reading.

In the meantime, have you though about getting some counselling?

Beetlebum

I can understand completely where you are coming from. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and my mam died from alcohol poisoning a few years ago. Living with an alcoholic (or two!) is pure torture. I used to dread coming home from school for fear of what I'd find and I used to get panic attacks on a daily basis. I felt so much anger towards the pair of them for what they were putting me through and how little they cared. It's such a selfish illness. I remember during my Leaving Cert I couldn't find my Economics book and my exam was the following day. I was frantically searching the house and eventually found it in my mams wardrobe, she had hidden it.

If you want to pm I'll be able to have a better talk with you cause it's a very personal subject. I really do understand how you must be feeling.

Odysseus

I would suggest therapy as others did, contact the IAAAC, the Irish Association Of Alcohol and Addiction Counsellors, they will be able to put you in contact with a counsellor in your area. Also try the HSE Coummunity Alcohol services they should be able to supply some srevice as well. Best of luck with it.

LadyJ

A lot can be said for a good therapist.

It's all about letting yourself let go of the anger that has spent years building up. The child in you is probably still hurting and by talking through that hurt and anger with a therapist you will be able to understand how to let go of it all.

You are an adult now and you need to make adult decisions. You can't decide what the best thing to do is if you are holding on to a lifetime's worth of hurt and anger.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. I'm going to look up a councellor. Though I've gotten to that stage before(even got to the door!) and backed off and buried my head for another while. I just can't do that this time. Every time I even think about them now I get that horrible lump in my throat and that sick feeling I used to get going home or even getting up in the morning some times!

Thanks for the offers to PM, but I'd really prefer to stay anon for this one and can't pm with this ID.

DOA