My Kids don't want access to their dad.

Ba_barbaraAnne

I have spent two hours this evening trying to cope with my sons crying because they don't want to visit their dad any more at weekends. They are 15 and 13 and are fed up with being afraid of their father's temper, yet because of a court order, have to spend most weekends with him. This has been going on for years, and I had thought that things were improving as they got older and they hadn't complained too much, but it seems that they were only keeping their feeling bottled up.

They have always been reluctant to tell anyone in authority, e.g. social workers, psychologists, their child support workers, about the negative aspects of their relationship with their father in case he found out how they really felt and took it out on them. Nothing I have ever said could convince them that they would be protected from abuse and so now they have just about reached the end of their tethers. My older boy says that he is afraid that one day soon he will be assaulted by his father, and has been training hard so that he is physically strong enough to defend himself.

Apart from continuing to provide my children with love and support, encourage them to one day (when they feel able) speak with a counsellor about their experiences, to encourage them to try and let their dad know how they feel knowing that if things turn bad I'm only on the end of a phone and will be there for them whenever they need me - what can I do? They don't want me to go to court to get the access arrangements changed because then it will come out how they feel about their father. I was married to the man for 11 years so know full well how scary he can be and therefore know exactly what my children are going through.

Anyone got any ideas of how to help my kids?

Nevyn

Would it be possible for you to speak to someone on thier behalf with out it being a huge betrayal of trust causing a rift between you and them ?

I know it can be hard and you don't want to be in the middle and be seen as using the children to be vindicive but you also have to worry about thier emotional, physical and mental well being.

Can you express enough concern to get them into some sort of couselling for thier own sakes ?

Ba_barbaraAnne

Thanks for the reply

I have talked to the Family Resource Centre and the older boy is in counselling with the Neighbourhood Youth Project. I told him to ring his support worker today. They younger boy has done an Outreach Programme with the Youth Project and his new secondary school has a Rainbow Progamme on campus. His class tutor is aware of the situation and will give him any support he needs in school. All I seem to be able to do is wait for the sh1t to hit the fan and pick up the pieces unless the boys decide to take the route of making a formal complaint to the social workers who will then legally keep the boys from seeing their father while the situation is investigated.

This route was attempted back when they were younger, but they were too afraid to open up to the social worker enough for Mental and Emotional abuse charges to stick.... and thier dad kicked the SW team out of his house and made formal complaints against them to the Health Board!

The 'fear factor' is just too much for the lads, even though some of it is probably unfounded, it is still real to them.

Nevyn

Wow, well done on acessing and using all the advailible rescources for you and your children, hopefully you boys will open up to those that are there to help them.
Have you tried explaining to your eldest how the system works ?
That as the visitations are court ordered there is a proceedure to be followed and that as much as you want to protect him and not force him to go see his Dad that you have to respect the court orders but there is a way out for him if he will take part in the process.

Ba_barbaraAnne

Thaedydal wrote:

Wow, well done on acessing and using all the advailible rescources for you and your children, hopefully you boys will open up to those that are there to help them.
Have you tried explaining to your eldest how the system works ?
That as the visitations are court ordered there is a proceedure to be followed and that as much as you want to protect him and not force him to go see his Dad that you have to respect the court orders but there is a way out for him if he will take part in the process.

All done.... but hopefully the boys will get strong enough to take action if necessary. Today seems to have gone ok. Heard from the younger lad's school that he was very nervous and upset today, but I took my lunch break late to go home and be with him after school before his dad collected him, and he was ok. Older lad stayed in town after school and eventually called his dad to tell him where he was and when to collect him. Best case scenario is that their dad backs down from confontation and leaves them to their own devices for the weekend. Might not be as bad as they feared. Just have to pray that they are ok and they will ring me tomorrow anyway to let me know how they are.

The joys of having married a control freak :-/

luckat

May I suggest that the kids can get a lawyer to act on their behalf, separate from either parent, if necessary?

My sympathy to you and them. Very, very tough.

Ba_barbaraAnne

luckat wrote:

May I suggest that the kids can get a lawyer to act on their behalf, separate from either parent, if necessary?

My sympathy to you and them. Very, very tough.

That's an idea we hadn't thought of!

Thankfully this weekend seems to be passing off peacefully so far. Was talking to my sons when their dad went off with his girlfriend for the afternoon yesterday and they have a new strategy - go walking when he is at home and then to bed as early as possible and get up late! That way they spend little time with him. I know it's an avoidance technique and doesn't solve the problem, but if it gives them breathing space to decide what to do then it's ok. The fact that there was no trouble about my eldest playing 'truant' friday evening suggests that, at least in certain matters, my ex is not willing to confront the boys and may reduce the 'fear factor' for the boys.

I'll just keep praying that they, and thier dad will sort out thier relationship.

darkflower

Ba_barbaraAnne wrote:

That's an idea we hadn't thought of!

Thankfully this weekend seems to be passing off peacefully so far. Was talking to my sons when their dad went off with his girlfriend for the afternoon yesterday and they have a new strategy - go walking when he is at home and then to bed as early as possible and get up late! That way they spend little time with him. I know it's an avoidance technique and doesn't solve the problem, but if it gives them breathing space to decide what to do then it's ok. The fact that there was no trouble about my eldest playing 'truant' friday evening suggests that, at least in certain matters, my ex is not willing to confront the boys and may reduce the 'fear factor' for the boys.

I'll just keep praying that they, and thier dad will sort out thier relationship.

are they not open to their father? i'm pretty sure he'd understand if they'd tell him what they really feel. he'd be a little hurt though, but will accept the truth. my friend had the same situation and it worked well with her.:)