How do I put him off?

Faith

I've been very close friends with this guy since we met, 4 years ago. I know he's always had a little bit of a crush on me, but he's always been in relationships and I'm not interested. He's quite arrogant and believes that he's in with a chance with any girl in the world (he's not even particularly good looking, just confidant, I guess). He broke up with his last girlfriend at the start of the summer.

Anywho, we were drinking in his house one night a few weeks ago and, late in the night, it all came pouring out: how he's been seriously into me since the minute we met, I'm the only one he's interested in, he really wants to be with me etc., etc., etc. He kept pushing me to respond and I just used the very convienient excuse that I go to University in a different country. Even that didn't put him off, as he claimed he could handle a long distance relationship and so on. I told him I couldn't, and thought that was that.

In my mind, the friendship has been seriously damaged now. I'm uncomfortable about the thought of his feelings for me and I don't want to spend time with him anymore, or at least for long period of time. I know he still thinks that he has a chance with me and nothing will get through to him. I thought I had escaped once I got back to college, but he's just contacted me saying he's looking up flights to come visit. He would expect my attention 24/7 and no doubt would expect something sexual to happen between us. I do not want the pressure of him visiting me over here.

After all that, my question is: How do I put him off visiting me? I want to keep him as a friend, so I don't want to have to come out and say "Don't visit me, you're not welcome"! All suggestions welcome!

spinandscribble

if you werent interested in him in the first place why did you give him a cock and bull story about long distance?
unless you actually said you were not interested you are at fault here, not him, and its up to you to set the record straight. dont be a coward. it isnt sweet or nice to sugarcoat your rejection to the extent that it is no longer seen as rejection. maybe you were worried about hurting him, thats understandable, but the nicest thing you could have done was if you had been honest with him. fess up before he wastes money trying to see you

Trinity

Been there - the only thing that worked was being totally honest.

tell him you are busy trying to settle in and wont have as much time for him if he comes over. also it doesnt matter if he expects something sexual to happen - if you dont want to then it wont happen.

he has no right to think that he deserves sex with you because he told you he had feelings.

tell him he has dropped a bit of a bombshell and that the only way to salvage the friendship is to have some time apart as you are feeling uncomfortable at the moment because although you love him as a friend you dont feel the same way and your friendship is important and you do not want to lose him.

Ruu_Old

I think you are trying to be kind about it but he is obviously not taking these hints so you should tell him how you are feeling, that you are uncomfortable about how he is treating you. You just have to come straight out with it.

Stabshauptmann

Girls like you are terrible. Head wrecker, selfish, and coward come to mind.

You are not sparing him or doing him any favours with excuses.
You are giving him flase hope.

Tell him you've not interrested, tell him its because you dont find him physically attractive and any other reasons you have.

You're friendship isnt a friendship if hes just living in hope of getting with you. Jeez you're just teasing /using him if you dont step up to the plate and call a spade a spade.

hullaballoo

Just say you don't think it's a good idea for him to visit in light of his revelations the last time you spoke. Sure, let him know exactly how nothing is going to happen between you and that you're just not attracted to him (he's not your type yada yada).

I know you said you want to keep him as a friend, but it's important to be pragmatic enough to see that that's not what he's after. It's a real mind-phuck when this sort of thing happens, but it's straight-forward enough when you think about it.

Basically, if he's liked you since you first met, then that's all he's been gearing towards since then, and the friendship that may or may not exist for him is ancillary to his feelings for you. He might even pretend (even to himself) that he can handle having you as a friend, and just a friend, but realistically his other feelings will always get in the way of a friendship.

That's as far as my experience goes, anyway.

_Kaiser_

Just be straight with him and tell him you're not interested. As others have said above, giving him an excuse but not exactly turning him down is just giving him false hope.

Tbh it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.. you don't want to be with him, but you want to keep him around as a friend. Not very fair to either of you under the circumstances. If you tell him straight that you don't want to get into a relationship with him and if he can handle that, then you can be friends.

Be warned though that he just as easily won't be able to accept it and if so then you should just cut off contact with him entirely (at least for a while) and let him get over you/move on.

This is

ive been in that situation before and its so mean letting it go as far as u have. wats the point in giving an excuse?! u hav to tell him the truth or else you are definetly at fault. u wudnt believe how much time i wasted in the past because i was being led on. its selfish not telling him.

Red Alert

This situation has happenned me a couple of times and i've been at both sides of the fence.

Given the nature of platonic relationships, especially then when lust and attration come into play, they're a very complex situation to be in. It took me a year to admit to a good friend that I liked her, and more recently I decided against telling another friend how I felt.

You need to tell him (seen as you're away) on the phone, not email, what you see as on and not on. Only when the dust settles is it time to think about whether you can let him in as a friend again.

Dub_Ster

Faith wrote:

I've been very close friends with this guy since we met, 4 years ago. I know he's always had a little bit of a crush on me, but he's always been in relationships and I'm not interested. He's quite arrogant and believes that he's in with a chance with any girl in the world (he's not even particularly good looking, just confidant, I guess). He broke up with his last girlfriend at the start of the summer.

Anywho, we were drinking in his house one night a few weeks ago and, late in the night, it all came pouring out: how he's been seriously into me since the minute we met, I'm the only one he's interested in, he really wants to be with me etc., etc., etc. He kept pushing me to respond and I just used the very convienient excuse that I go to University in a different country. Even that didn't put him off, as he claimed he could handle a long distance relationship and so on. I told him I couldn't, and thought that was that.

In my mind, the friendship has been seriously damaged now. I'm uncomfortable about the thought of his feelings for me and I don't want to spend time with him anymore, or at least for long period of time. I know he still thinks that he has a chance with me and nothing will get through to him. I thought I had escaped once I got back to college, but he's just contacted me saying he's looking up flights to come visit. He would expect my attention 24/7 and no doubt would expect something sexual to happen between us. I do not want the pressure of him visiting me over here.

After all that, my question is: How do I put him off visiting me? I want to keep him as a friend, so I don't want to have to come out and say "Don't visit me, you're not welcome"! All suggestions welcome!

ever heard the term to be crewl to be kind .

pwesonally i think this aplys here, he sound like a sniveling weezil if you ask me .

he sounds very insecure, not perticularly confident , or he wouldnt of said what he said , why you ask ?

becuase if he was confident he wouldnt of behaved with such well panicy behaver .

look at the aspects

He cant retain his composher , needy/wuss

He as you said would want your 24/7 attention, needy/wuss

He's inviteing him self to come visit you.needy/wuss


im sorry to say this but you have a problem.

two thing tell him the day he sets to come visit you , that you will be away , and if he asks where mystory tour in collage thatu and the girls sighned up for it ...

when you get back give it about a week and mail him something along the lines ive meet some one blh bla blah ....

and then hel probably reply with hate full things etc ....

i wish you look but remember be creative with your lies and decetfullness