Trust. How to get it back?

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:22pm #1

Ive really messed up the realtionship with the girl i love most. its now over and has been for bout a month. but the basic story is that we broke up in jan (i did it) and i ended up getting back together with an ex. we had a thing for about a week and we had one drunken night where we slept with each other. and i use the term slept very loosely cause i didnt want it and i stopped it after literally 30 seconds. now i was texting this girl for awhile while i was with my gf which was a massive mistake.

now my gf but now ex knows all about it and she says that she still loves me but she cant take me back because the trust is gone and shes doesnt know if she will ever be able to trust me again. now i totally understand that and i know that theres not much i can do to fix things. i just cant see how she can ignore her heart like that. when we got together first she ended up kissing another guy on the night we were supposed to get together but i forgave her and took a risk that im glad i took.

anyway is there anything i can do to win my gf back? i love her more than anything in the world and that was hard for me to admit because i always kept my feelings at a safe distance because the only other time i said i love you to anyone was when a family member died.

thanks for any advice and ask questions if you need more info to be able to help

is_that_so · 17-09-2006 7:29pm

It sounds as if you are very confused. Write a letter. Even if you don't send it. Take your time over it and put it all down clearly. Where you are , what you want , what you really feel and what you may have done wrong. Writing everything down will help clear up the confusion. But be prepared for the fact that it may be over. Sometimes unfortunately that's the way life works. Of more importance is figuring out how it all came about.

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:33pm

the best you can do is explain everything to her that you've told us.
so you broke up in jan, got with another girl while broken for only a week? how long after the break up did you go with the old ex?

Ruu_Old · 17-09-2006 7:38pm

Explain how you are feeling is probably all you can do, tell her you make a stupid mistake and let her know you are there for her and want her back. It won't happen overnight as I am sure you are aware.

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:39pm

spinandscribble wrote:

the best you can do is explain everything to her that you've told us.
so you broke up in jan, got with another girl while broken for only a week? how long after the break up did you go with the old ex?

we broke up in jan and it was feb when i got with the old ex for about a week. i was really confused at the time but now i know that shes the girl for me and that i messed up big time. just hope its not too late

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:40pm

is_that_so wrote:

It sounds as if you are very confused. Write a letter. Even if you don't send it. Take your time over it and put it all down clearly. Where you are , what you want , what you really feel and what you may have done wrong. Writing everything down will help clear up the confusion. But be prepared for the fact that it may be over. Sometimes unfortunately that's the way life works. Of more importance is figuring out how it all came about.

i was so confused and i know i should have taken time away from both girls back in jan but i did what i did and cant change that. im actually in the middle of writting a letter at the mo. thanks for the advice

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:41pm

you should have come clean that you got with her for that week. she should get over though. i know i would. i mean it sounds rebound getting back with the ex and it just shows it wasnt much if it lasted just a week.

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:42pm

Ruu wrote:

Explain how you are feeling is probably all you can do, tell her you make a stupid mistake and let her know you are there for her and want her back. It won't happen overnight as I am sure you are aware.

i have done and i will do it again cause im not giving up on this girl. i know it wont happen over night. its been 2 and a half months now. oh ya i forgot to say that we got back together in april and she broke up with me in june when she found out about me and my ex. should have told her at the time but my friends told me not to say anything

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:43pm

dont listen to mates. imo they rarely cannot take a bias opinion

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:44pm

spinandscribble wrote:

you should have come clean that you got with her for that week. she should get over though. i know i would. i mean it sounds rebound getting back with the ex and it just shows it wasnt much if it lasted just a week.

i know i should have. but my friends told me that i shouldnt say anything. i know i thought everything was perfect and my ex looked as if it was the relationship for me but it was just me seeing something that wasnt there

i now know not to take my mates advice. i have a friend that i talk to about everything that i wish i was close with at the time cause he would have told me the right thing to do

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:48pm

had you had sex with the ex you want to get back with by jan? sounds stupid but that could have a big impact on how she views this.

people make mistakes. rebounding is common or at least the feeling that comes with it. i hope she forgives you.

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:51pm

spinandscribble wrote:

had you had sex with the ex you want to get back with by jan? sounds stupid but that could have a big impact on how she views this.

people make mistakes. rebounding is common or at least the feeling that comes with it. i hope she forgives you.

i had sex with my ex in feb. i think its a massive part of why she cant trust me. i really regret that and its something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. i f**ked up big style and i hope she realises that her heart is right and that she will forgive me

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:53pm

no im not talking about the week back with the really old ex, i meant the girl you want to be with now

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:53pm

also were you truly broken up with in jan or was it a "break"?

Trinity · 17-09-2006 7:54pm

Yes i think the letter is the best way to go. Reread it over and over to make sure you say everything.

am i right in reading that you didnt cheat on her, you just went back with an ex for a week after you had broken up with your girl?

when you send the letter just step back and give her some time and space to think.

in fairness the ex is hard for some people to swallow but you were a free man so i wouldnt do the martyr too much or grovel. tell her you regret it and that you love her but dont knock yourself too much.

How long were you together and how old are you both. also did she see anyone while you were seperated?

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:54pm

spinandscribble wrote:

no im not talking about the week back with the really old ex, i meant the girl you want to be with now

ok im confused i dont know what you mean exactly

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:55pm

spinandscribble wrote:

also were you truly broken up with in jan or was it a "break"?

we were broken up

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:56pm

well i was just thinking if the girl you want was a virgin and you both hadnt had sex by the time you broke up then you went off on the rebound and ****ed that ex the girl might take it even harder

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:58pm

Trinity1 wrote:

Yes i think the letter is the best way to go. Reread it over and over to make sure you say everything.

am i right in reading that you didnt cheat on her, you just went back with an ex for a week after you had broken up with your girl?

when you send the letter just step back and give her some time and space to think.

in fairness the ex is hard for some people to swallow but you were a free man so i wouldnt do the martyr too much or grovel. tell her you regret it and that you love her but dont knock yourself too much.

How long were you together and how old are you both. also did she see anyone while you were seperated?

ya its going to be a massive letter. its already 8 pages. i didnt cheat but i was texting my ex for a month or two but not all flirty messages. we were together 18 months and im 20 and shes 18. i know we're young. no she didnt see anyone while we were seperated but she has since she broke up with me in june and i havent seen anyone

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 7:59pm

truth is she should "logically" not have an opinion on it. but this isnt logical.

plus the fact you hadnt told her looked like you had something to hide.

how'd she find out?

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 7:59pm

spinandscribble wrote:

well i was just thinking if the girl you want was a virgin and you both hadnt had sex by the time you broke up then you went off on the rebound and ****ed that ex the girl might take it even harder

no she wasnt a virgin but i was her first which prob makes it worse that i did what i did

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 8:00pm

what were you doing sending ANY flirty txts while you were with someone to that ex!? honestly....

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 8:01pm

spinandscribble wrote:

truth is she should "logically" not have an opinion on it. but this isnt logical.

plus the fact you hadnt told her looked like you had something to hide.

how'd she find out?

i know i should have told her. it was actually one of my friends who told her. it was a friend thats a girl and they kind of had a bond. just wish that friend went to me and said either you tell her now or i will

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 8:04pm

yes if you were her first the damage is going to be harder to repair. if at all repairable...
seems like shes moved on.... sorry
trust seems to have gone bust. oh my. this scares me how you could love her so much but still send flirty txts and the like to someone else. v. bold and to me its a form of cheating. its certainly a problem

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 8:05pm

i'd have killed the mate especially if the mate was one of the ppl who told you not to tell in the first place! please say she wasnt?!

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 8:36pm

spinandscribble wrote:

i'd have killed the mate especially if the mate was one of the ppl who told you not to tell in the first place! please say she wasnt?!

no it wasnt. if it was, then that person would no longer be my friend. i know i shouldnt have sent any flirty messages but i got caught up in it and now im paying the price

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 8:41pm

its one thing if your single its another if your with someone at the time. my last ex sends flirty txts and pms so i understand but im single so im not hurting anyone. i just dont get it, im sorry...

well... if you really want this girl back and you know for a fact she still loves you then you need to take a risk and lay yourself at her mercy....
dignity and pride are easily won back, take that chance

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 8:41pm

spinandscribble wrote:

yes if you were her first the damage is going to be harder to repair. if at all repairable...
seems like shes moved on.... sorry
trust seems to have gone bust. oh my. this scares me how you could love her so much but still send flirty txts and the like to someone else. v. bold and to me its a form of cheating. its certainly a problem

ya i dont think it is repairable. i know she still loves me and that shes still in love with me but i just dont think she'll be able to forgive and forget.

i always questioned my feelings of love for her but its only recently that i know why i kept them at a safe distance and didnt admit to myself about how i felt. my brother died when i was 14 and he was the only person i ever said i love you to with real meaning and i always kept my feelings locked up cause i didnt wanna loose another person i love but ive now over come those issues and ive put my heart on the line for this girl

i have put myself on the line and it was really hard for me to do cause i was crushed in the past and my heart was very hard to unlock which shows how special this girl is to me

spinandscribble · 17-09-2006 8:47pm

"put your heart on the line"? you say that like its an outragous feat! it might be for you and well done for getting there but thats how its meant to be. if you love them anyway.

i feel bad for you (however i did feel like hitting you when i read about the flirty txts) but the only thing left to do is to go to her and tell her everything, about your brother and everything else. tell her you'll leave her alone if she wants but you make one final plea for her to give you a second chance. everyone does.

King of Kings · 17-09-2006 8:55pm

if you were broken up then there is nothing to be "too" sorry for.
tell her that you regret what happened but you thought it was all done for and you were free. apologise for any hurt caused but don't go much further cos in fairness you've done nothing wrong except be a bit insensitive,

Don't however fall into Ross territory "But we were on a break"

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 8:55pm

spinandscribble wrote:

"put your heart on the line"? you say that like its an outragous feat! it might be for you and well done for getting there but thats how its meant to be. if you love them anyway.

i feel bad for you (however i did feel like hitting you when i read about the flirty txts) but the only thing left to do is to go to her and tell her everything, about your brother and everything else. tell her you'll leave her alone if she wants but you make one final plea for her to give you a second chance. everyone does.

i know putting your heart on the line isnt that big a deal but it was for me for my own reasons and i dont need to explain these.

i know im not an innocent guy in all this, i know its all my fault and i know i did things that i shouldnt even be in with a chance of getting another chance but i have really changed . i told her everything about my brother and everything and i have begged for another chance cause i think i do deserve one cause i have changed. if i didnt change i wouldnt deserve one.

i think im gonna have to leave her alone as i think its all i can do. im writting her a letter and after that ill step in to the background for awhile.

its our anniversary in 2 weeks time, do you think i should do anything for that? send a text, card or flowers or just leave the day slide by?

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 8:57pm

King of Kings wrote:

if you were broken up then there is nothing to be "too" sorry for.
tell her that you regret what happened but you thought it was all done for and you were free. apologise for any hurt caused but don't go much further cos in fairness you've done nothing wrong except be a bit insensitive,

Don't however fall into Ross territory "But we were on a break"

i have done wrong. i shouldnt have been texting my ex and i should have told her what happened before we got back together.

CathyMoran · 17-09-2006 9:35pm

The pathway of true love never ran smoothly..my partner and I are together 9 years now but at the begining he dated me for one date then went out with my exfriend, I went back out with my ex, we got back, broke up, he got back with my ex friend, we got back, then my ex got together with my ex best friend, then broke up...I wonder how we ever managed to stay together (and there have been more twists and turns than that, would take pages to describe what we have been through)...if we can survive that then you can deffinitly survive this if she is the girl for you. You will need to appologise but I do think that you can make it together if she is the right one for you. Through all the times with my partner something someone said has made sense - "what is meant for you will not pass you by". Best of luck.

King of Kings · 17-09-2006 9:42pm

cluborange86 wrote:

i have done wrong. i shouldnt have been texting my ex and i should have told her what happened before we got back together.

The king does apologise...yeah the texts were out of order. i have been on the recieving end of the "but they were only friendly texts" crap...friendly until i read them!!!

But to be honest you don't have to be straight with her about what you got up to while you were apart. the relationship was over.

TBH - i probably wouldn't want to know (if I was her)

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 10:07pm

CathyMoran wrote:

The pathway of true love never ran smoothly..my partner and I are together 9 years now but at the begining he dated me for one date then went out with my exfriend, I went back out with my ex, we got back, broke up, he got back with my ex friend, we got back, then my ex got together with my ex best friend, then broke up...I wonder how we ever managed to stay together (and there have been more twists and turns than that, would take pages to describe what we have been through)...if we can survive that then you can deffinitly survive this if she is the girl for you. You will need to appologise but I do think that you can make it together if she is the right one for you. Through all the times with my partner something someone said has made sense - "what is meant for you will not pass you by". Best of luck.

its the way i view things as well. i know if it doesnt work then its cause theres someone else out there for me. its hard to take but i guess time will tell.

can i ask how ye got over trust issues or was there none?

CathyMoran · 17-09-2006 10:13pm

cluborange86 wrote:

its the way i view things as well. i know if it doesnt work then its cause theres someone else out there for me. its hard to take but i guess time will tell.

can i ask how ye got over trust issues or was there none?

There were/are trust issues still on both sides...but we did face the real chance of loosing one another over them and realised that they were not worth us not being together. Relationship counselling helps also if you can not talk in a healthy way with one another.

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 10:13pm

King of Kings wrote:

The king does apologise...yeah the texts were out of order. i have been on the recieving end of the "but they were only friendly texts" crap...friendly until i read them!!!

But to be honest you don't have to be straight with her about what you got up to while you were apart. the relationship was over.

TBH - i probably wouldn't want to know (if I was her)

thanks man. guess ill just have to see if time heals us or makes us drift apart. i just hope it brings us back together

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 10:17pm

CathyMoran wrote:

There were/are trust issues still on both sides...but we did face the real chance of loosing one another over them and realised that they were not worth us not being together. Relationship counselling helps also if you can not talk in a healthy way with one another.

ok. before we got together i didnt trust her but i couldnt walk away from my feelings so i just learned to trust her i just think that thats the best way of getting trust back by learning to trust again.

its our 2 year anniversary in 2 weeks, do you think i should do anything for it? as in send a text, card, flowers or should i just leave it go?

CathyMoran · 17-09-2006 10:20pm

cluborange86 wrote:

ok. before we got together i didnt trust her but i couldnt walk away from my feelings so i just learned to trust her i just think that thats the best way of getting trust back by learning to trust again.

its our 2 year anniversary in 2 weeks, do you think i should do anything for it? as in send a text, card, flowers or should i just leave it go?

I would send a card and flowers, but that would be just me, am a sucker for old fashioned romance. I hope that it works out for you, especially as you do genuinelly seem to love her.

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 10:30pm

CathyMoran wrote:

I would send a card and flowers, but that would be just me, am a sucker for old fashioned romance. I hope that it works out for you, especially as you do genuinelly seem to love her.

thanks for the advice. thats what i wanted to do i just wanted to make sure i wasnt going over the top or anything. i do love her i wouldnt be on here waiting for people replies if i didnt! im not one to waste my time

CathyMoran · 17-09-2006 10:34pm

cluborange86 wrote:

thanks for the advice. thats what i wanted to do i just wanted to make sure i wasnt going over the top or anything. i do love her i wouldnt be on here waiting for people replies if i didnt! im not one to waste my time

I really do wish you all the best and I hope that things work out for you - good luck. I do think that at the very least you are giving it your best shot, in a few years time no matter what happens you will be able to know that, I try not to have regrets where possible. Again, best of luck and do let me know how you get on, AC

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 10:44pm

CathyMoran wrote:

I really do wish you all the best and I hope that things work out for you - good luck. I do think that at the very least you are giving it your best shot, in a few years time no matter what happens you will be able to know that, I try not to have regrets where possible. Again, best of luck and do let me know how you get on, AC

thanks. i try to live my life without regrets as well and even though i do have some especially the things ive done that messed up this relationship at least i wont be what if i actually tried my hardest. i just dont want her to be making a mistake and therfore a regret cause to be honest love is a big regret if you throw it away.

thanks again and i will let you know. what does AC mean though?

CathyMoran · 17-09-2006 10:50pm

cluborange86 wrote:

thanks. i try to live my life without regrets as well and even though i do have some especially the things ive done that messed up this relationship at least i wont be what if i actually tried my hardest. i just dont want her to be making a mistake and therfore a regret cause to be honest love is a big regret if you throw it away.

thanks again and i will let you know. what does AC mean though?

I have had my share of regrets in the past, I learned the hard way, my worst regrets are when I hurt someone and I seem to have hurt the people that I care about more than most...when I realised that I loved someone I did EVERYTHING to try and get them back, some people said that I was stupid but I do not regret that decision.

AC are the initials of my first name.

cluborange86 · 17-09-2006 10:55pm

CathyMoran wrote:

I have had my share of regrets in the past, I learned the hard way, my worst regrets are when I hurt someone and I seem to have hurt the people that I care about more than most...when I realised that I loved someone I did EVERYTHING to try and get them back, some people said that I was stupid but I do not regret that decision.

AC are the initials of my first name.

oh right. i think everyone that hurts someone hurts the people that mean the most to them. i know i did anyway. if you dont mind me asking did you get them back? and is he
the person your with now?

Trust. How to get it back?

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