To be or Not To be?

barbeck23

Ok,

So basically - went out with a guy for 3 years - love of my life but we were young, fought alot but basically when times were good they were great when bad pretty rough. Then went on Erasmus and we broke up - nastily - I kissed someone else. Then didn't speak for 6 months. Saw each other out one night and scored but thought best than to get back together as I was still away but we would keep in contact. We both had faith it would work out the way it should in the end.

I came home, nothing happened even though I wanted it. Then I moved on and he wanted this time last year. Then he started seeing someone else as did I - I was happy for him. But we could never be round each other, being scared of how we felt. Then I hadn't seen him in nearly a year and I saw him last weekend (we would always be in contact throughout the year via text and emails either fighting or not (!)) and things were wierd. Both nervous and what not - he has a girlfriend of nearly a year however I just split with someone. After a few drinks he tried to kiss me. I said no but then gave in and we spent the night just talking about us. We both admitted to loving each other and missing each other deeply but can't figure out how to make it work. How can we still feel so strongly for each other after 5 years?

The next day we both just went back to our respective lives and part of me feels like I should fight but another part feels like if I fight and we get back together - what if it doesn't work out? We both admitted we couldn't go through the pain and hurt of the last time.....

To fight or not to fight.....?

P.s. There's no certainty that he will leave his girlfriend however....

secret_squirrel

Maybe you should go for it?

At worst it might be the final fling that gets you out of each others systems.

Hopefully over the 5 years you both will have grown up a bit, and it might work this time.

mel123

From reading your post, you seem like you would give it a go, and sure if it works it works, if it doesnt it doesnt. So you have nothing to loose - ok a bit of heartache if it doesnt go right. But i would leave the ball in his court, he is the one that has been going out with someone for the past year and even tho he says he still loves you, IMO it is possible to love two people at the same time and things could get a bit tricky with him/for him. And, if this guy was your first 'true love' you will probably have these feelings forever weather your with each other or not.

Ruu_Old

I'd be careful about this one. Do you want to be the other girl in this situation? You don't have any right to interfere in his current relationship and you should mention that you don't want any of this. Imagine yourself in her shoes. I would tell him to sort out what he really wants first. Just my opinion anyway.

LegacyUser

Wot about the 2 of U trying some counselling to see can U
stop fighting - for a start !

barbeck23

I agree with all of you. The thing is I hurt him really badly. Someone mentioned to me that originally he started going out with his current girlfriend to get over me/make me jealous. Then it just continued. He lives at home down the country and she's there teaching so its convient - we'll so I think but he has said he is really into her so I don't want to be the other woman.

The thing is, in our drunken state we 'got back together' only to remember she was in the equation - Can he really be that into her if he does all this? Everyone who knows us is saying that whether he is admitting it or not he still holds a very strong flame for me and is just stubborn and scared of getting hurt....

Ruu_Old

Maybe he is using this other girl but I would steer clear until he sorts it out, it is just not fair on the other party involved.

Trinity

Ruu wrote:

Maybe he is using this other girl but I would steer clear until he sorts it out, it is just not fair on the other party involved.

Exactly steer clear for now.

If he wants you he will take the risk and leave her.

Yes you hurt him, but why hurt her?

Give him time to miss you. By having you in his life without the risk he is taking the easy way out and so are you.

love is a risk. take time apart with no contact and see what happens. He cant make a decision if there is no risk of losing you from his life completely.

she is his safety net - and she is yours too believe it or not.

If you both have strong feelings for each other then go for it.

but before you do, instead of talking about how much you miss each other - have a very very long talk about why you are rowing. If you can figure that out and overcome those issues you have a much better chance of working out second time round.

good luck

barbeck23

Thank you all indeed. We both know why it didn't work before and recognise that there needed to be more compromising and less 'getting back' at one another for times when we were hurt.

I agree she's my safety net. It's comforting knowing he has her for some reason. I just want him to be happy because I know I was the cause of so much of his unhappiness.

Prehaps no contact at all will help - however he always caves when drunk so I'm presuming Ill be still getting the 5am phone calls. What is it with men and getting courage when drunk? He seems to be able to confront how he really feels when drunk but in the sober light of day he's a coward...

Trinity

barbeck23 wrote:

Thank you all indeed. We both know why it didn't work before and recognise that there needed to be more compromising and less 'getting back' at one another for times when we were hurt.

I agree she's my safety net. It's comforting knowing he has her for some reason. I just want him to be happy because I know I was the cause of so much of his unhappiness.

Prehaps no contact at all will help - however he always caves when drunk so I'm presuming Ill be still getting the 5am phone calls. What is it with men and getting courage when drunk? He seems to be able to confront how he really feels when drunk but in the sober light of day he's a coward...

Been there honestly. But you shouldnt beat yourself up about hurting him. I know that sounds mean, but life is a learning curve and we all make mistakes.

He is not your responsibility. It is possible hes having difficulty letting go. I was getting the 4am phone calls too, i never replied. I would rarely hear from him in the cold light of day.

We have all been hurt, sometimes it was intentional and sometimes it wasnt.

Its easy to sit and analyse his actions - perhaps hes scared - i've hurt him before etc but at the end of the day you must judge him by his actions. Not by what other people think he is thinking. Hes taking the easy road, dont let him.

You want all of him or nothing at all because you deserve it, we all deserve that.

And for your own sake you must move on. If its meant to be he will come find you.

barbeck23

But what if he is thinking - if its meant to be she will come after me.

Should I put it to him to meet for dinner to talk like mature adults and talk bluntly about what we feel or are feeling and either move on or sort something out? And if he refuses just say that I think we both should then not contact each other from now on and just move on? (kinda hard as we have mutual friends!)

Trinity

barbeck23 wrote:

But what if he is thinking - if its meant to be she will come after me.

Should I put it to him to meet for dinner to talk like mature adults and talk bluntly about what we feel or are feeling and either move on or sort something out? And if he refuses just say that I think we both should then not contact each other from now on and just move on? (kinda hard as we have mutual friends!)

Yes!

I know its difficult sometimes to put your heart and your pride on the line but time goes by in the blink of an eye and you need to know where you stand.

He may not give you a straight answer, he may say he is scared, he may come up with any number of excuses.

but you have to stand firm and not take them because at the end of the day that is all they are is excuses.

Are you sure this is what YOU really want. Or are there other factors. DO you want to spend the rest of your life compromising and making up for hurting him or do you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him.

You need to take the time to figure these things out for yourself. SOmetimes it is easier to go backwards because it is comfortable to a certain extent. Moving forward can be difficult. But dont get stuck in the past. If he is not willing to give you his all then he will have to remain your past.

Be strong and be firm - i want to give it a go - are you in or out?

But You have to be willing to move on if he doesnt want to or is half hearted.

CathyMoran

He is still with his girlfriend - leave him be, if he leaves her then I would say go after him but at the moment you are just unfair temptation. I think that he leaves her because of your insistence he will always be uncertain with your relationship.

I do have a great deal of sympathy and empathy with your situation and do wish you all the best.

barbeck23

I don't know how I feel but I do know how I feel around him - How will I know if he doesn't let me get close to him?

I know he loves me and wants it back. I thought I was over him and was moving on but this weekend when I saw him I remembered and wanted it back. I know he did too as he admitted it to me. But in the sober light of day things are different.

Anyway I texted him saying I didn't know what to think and just wanted is to be happy and he replied saying 'don't worry about it dude'.

Infuriating .... How did I ever fall in love with a thick Meath man!

Trinity

Just walk away its all you can do. Say your piece first and leave it.

if he wants it bad enough he will come back. In the meantime get on with your own life.

if someone wants something enought they will go for it.

CathyMoran

But he has a girlfriend - if he wanted you he would dump her. Leave him be. If you make him leave he will feel guilty, I know. As it turns out I ended up with the guy who made me leave and am very happy and very much in love with him but we had to break up first, you do not want that heartache.

barbeck23

Yeah but shouldn't he not be guilty of cheating on her this weekend with his ex - I just wish he would talk like an adult in the sober light of day. Why all the drama when drunk?

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to just leave it. Not bother anymore and not reply to any of his texts or phone calls when drunk. Part of me feels like I'm letting it slip away but then again if it's meant to be.... I've been saying this for 5 years about him now!!!! I think we're both sick of the saying!!!

CathyMoran

barbeck23 wrote:

Yeah but shouldn't he not be guilty of cheating on her this weekend with his ex - I just wish he would talk like an adult in the sober light of day. Why all the drama when drunk?

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to just leave it. Not bother anymore and not reply to any of his texts or phone calls when drunk. Part of me feels like I'm letting it slip away but then again if it's meant to be.... I've been saying this for 5 years about him now!!!! I think we're both sick of the saying!!!

Am glad that you are leaving it be - let him chase you now if and when he ditches his gf, but move on yourself, I know that is easier said than done but you owe it to yourself. If you are meant to be you still will be but please move on.

secret_squirrel

barbeck23 wrote:

I'm going to just leave it. Not bother anymore and not reply to any of his texts or phone calls when drunk.

You sure about that? Its better to regret something you did rather than something you didnt.

If you atleast say to him you want to give things another go you have taken positive action for you and have left the ball indisputably in his court.

It might cause you some more short-term heartache, but with the reward of long term peace of mind.