lack of friends

LegacyUser

i'm a 22 yr old female and have 1 good friend, i've never had a boyfriend, and hate showing my feelings or allowing anyone to get too close, its all completely my own doing. i just cannot cope in group situations.

i'm starting back at college soon and dreading it, all around me i see friends chatting together, laughing, couples holding hands and it makes me feel so desperately lonely. With people i know very well theres no problem i can relax and chat be myself but as soon as it becomes a group of more than 4 people thats it i just can't relax. i over analyse everything, i'd love to have more friends but it takes me so long to allow people to get to know the real me that its too late, i recently changed courses in college, and it was only in the last 3 weeks of a 3 year course that i actually felt that i could call some of these people my 'friends'.

normal people will chat away and get to know new people they meet, but i on the other hand will not feel comfortable around new people until i'm sure that i can trust them. i guess i don't even know what my question is. i don't want people to see me as being snobby and stuck up as i know thats how i come across but thats not the reality, i'm just terrified that people won't like the real me, i constantly end up being the 'quiet one' of the group but never really bond with anyone.

how can i change the situation, i know i can't suddenly become this chatty bubbly person thats just not who i am, but at the same time i can't keep being afraid to let down my defences and try and get to know people.

Nalz

its a tough post to reply to OP, but in fairness ya hit the nail on the head when you said you over analyze everything. To starting liking other things and other people you have to start liking yourself and find yourself. What do you like, what are your interests and when do ya feel comfortable and in good mood? Also, to get/have friends you need to be one. It worth both ways. Its not gonna just happen, ya have to make the effort. Its not as bad as it is people that move to new parts of the world and start afresh, people heartbroken from broken up relationship or losing someone they love. Find yourself and try to be happy, be a friend in return and it will be a good start.

Hope all that above helps!

LegacyUser

hey, i'm actually scratching my head wondering if i wrote that post because everything you said describes me and my situation too except i'm male and a couple of years younger. i too never had the social knack, i'm hardly a chatterbox around one person but in a group i'm a complete social disaster. i'm anxious all the time in the company of people and apprehensive about pushing myself to meet new people. i find it hard to trust other people as i always make friends with the wrong people, this coupled with shyness, little self-confidence and bullying as a child i'm afraid of social interaction and it's ruining my life. when i look around in college, work or anywhere in general with people surrounding you laughing, joking, being intimate with boyf/girlf part of me inside collapses. it feels like there's no way out.

from what you've described i'm in no doubt you suffer from social anxiety. this is a disorder that is probably more common than is believed so you're not the only one despite feeling that you are. i really don't believe there is a magical cure to this. you can't change your personality or who you are but you can change your attitude, it's called self belief. if you are happy with who you are as an individual that will shine through to other people, it's about homing in on your personal strengths and qualities, we all have them! we all feel fear over rejection and whether people will like me or not but to be perfectly honest if you don't make an effort to put yourself out there they won't be thinking of you anyway, if people don't like you have the attitude that ''well it's their loss''. i believe becoming more socailly confident takes alot of time, effort and patience, make it a work in progress. you won't become a social animal over night, you don't need or want to be as making a few close friends is better than having 100 ''friends'' you rarely see which is common with our current early 20's popularity contest generation.

i honestly couldn't tell you if there's any self development/assertive class around these days but something, anything like that could be helpful for both of us. you're not the only one who feels like this, take care

Vince135792003

I could have wrote exactly what you just did particuliarly about group situations.

I don't really have any great answers either unfortunately. For me I try and get it into my head that the only person I can really be, is myself. And if I trust myself to be me in every situation, most people will embrace that. I hope that made some sense.

Trust and believe in yourself as a person I guess is my message. Easier said then done I know and for me its a daily battle.

Bob the Builder

theUnregperson wrote:

how can i change the situation, i know i can't suddenly become this chatty bubbly person thats just not who i am, but at the same time i can't keep being afraid to let down my defences and try and get to know people.

you can never change a situation like this, and you can only change your personality for the worst!

Can I just ask you, do you drink much alcohol?...and if so...how do you react in a similar situation?

Bodhidharma

Hi OP. Your situation is somewhat familiar to what i went through a while back. I know its frustrating to look at people around college and feel miserable. You get the feeling that they're having a great time and your missing out on everything.
The most important thing for you to do is look at yourself. Seriously and objectively. I know you might not want to hear it, but are you acting as you do because it is faimiliar and in a way comforting? You may think it is ridiculous to say your lonely on purpose but believe me the psyche is a strange thing, it will do all it can to protect you from any feeling of pain. Even avoiding others. Shying away from others is a protective device used by those who are afraid to open themslves up to others for fear of being emotionally hurt.
Dont think that i am making any presumptions about you. I'm just saying that it is very easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself and accepting sadness. You shouldn't have to.
People will be a lot easier to deal with if you can look yourself in the eye and learn from previous patterns of behaviour. Ask yourself why have you done things the way you have? Once your happy within yourself you can move on and concentrate on what will make you happy. Good luck.

Rev Hellfire

Meeting people can be hard for some people, the problem of breaking into groups , overcoming shyness etc.
But oddly enough the best way to set about getting friends is in a sense to actually not to try to do so. People become friends not through a decision to do so but rather common interests and interaction.
So my advise to you would be to take up some group activities. I'd strongly suggest you try a martial art (only because its what I enjoy and it is a great way for building confidence). But any group activity will help you meet people since you'll be training/working with them.

LegacyUser

I don't know what to say because I have always been very much the same. It comes from a shortcoming in self-esteem, the belief that you're not good enough for anyone and that you'll be hurt.

Try to go to a support group, if you're in dublin there is one in Trinity for young people, which is very helpful. It's very comforting to know that you're not the only one that feels like this; it gives you proof that it's only your mindset that is making you like this; it's not your actual personality.

I was always very distant; it took me a long time to open up to people, but you do get used to it and now I have loads of friends, an other half and you wouldn't believe how far I've come. Hope that gives you a bit of inspiration. Chances are, people feel a lot closer to you than you realise, it's just a matter of giving them a shout and seeing if they want to go to the cinema or something.

But do open up to someone you trust to get you started.

xx

gerTheGreat

you know, it's ok to be shy, i am too. if you don't feel comfortable with groups, try talking to people that you like/ think you can get on with, individually. all you have to do is sit down next to someone that you think is ok and say hi. it's hard, i know, but people are generally decent and noone will be rude to you. also if there's a society or two that looks like fun then go along, check it out. you'll generally find like minded people there.

as far as the whole boyfriend things goes, don't worry about it. all good things come to those who wait. you'll eventually meet someone who'll see through your shyness.

sometimes a little smile can be the greatest of ice breakers:D

DanteMancino

Hi my girlfriend has been in the same situation for about 8 years now. Shes 22 and lives with me in Dublin. I am her only friend and she wont even go out with my friends or family for the reasons you just described. She feels unable to talk and people do think shes snobby or rude because when someone does try to speak to her she ends the conversation asap to escape her own social awkwardness.
I wonder if you would be interested in talking to her? You two sound like you have a lot in common and who knows? you might even make friends of each other.
Shes very creative and clever and dshes a lovely person. Ive been trying to help her make new friends since we started going out three years ago. She gets on really well with some people but seldom people she will see again.
I'd love to know what you think.44hollowpoint@gmail.com

Miss Fluff

http://www.nightcourses.com/articles/confidencelab.html

Kell

theUnregperson wrote:

and hate showing my feelings or allowing anyone to get too close, i'm just terrified that people won't like the real me, i constantly end up being the 'quiet one' of the group but never really bond with anyone.

Any idea what caused this lack of confidence in yourself, specially the bit about hating opening yourself up. Not opening yourself up generally implies that you got burned in the past and dont want to do that anymore.

Any more information on this perhaps?

K-

LegacyUser

Chances are, people feel a lot closer to you than you realise[\quote]
thats the irony really, on my last day of college a girl, who i would never ever have considered a friend, gave me a hug and told me how great she thought i was and how much she was going to miss me.

Can I just ask you, do you drink much alcohol?...and if so...how do you react in a similar situation?

i'm not a huge drinker, when i go out i don't allow myself to get drunk simply because i generally turn into an emotional wreck and to be honest that side of myself scares me. when i'm 'merry' or whatever, i have to say that i'll chat away to whoever chats to me regardless of if i know them or not, which is a bit odd i suppose, its in alcohol free situations the problem lies.

Any idea what caused this lack of confidence in yourself, specially the bit about hating opening yourself up. Not opening yourself up generally implies that you got burned in the past and dont want to do that anymore.

Any more information on this perhaps?

well i always had a shy personality, my parents hit me quite a bit when i was young, i know most people got the wooden spoon thing during their youth, but i really feel that my parents definately went overboard, my earliest memory is being slapped across the head for acidently spilling something. i don't know why i just wrote that actually, i don't blame my parents for me being shy or anything, my childhood isn't talked about and i have quite a good relationship with them now.

i was bullied by a guy in primary school but then again loads of people are and it generally makes them stronger. secondary school was normal, i had a few friends, i was never particulary close to any of them it was more just wanting to hang round with someone at lunchtime etc. after school we drifted apart and that was it, i don't see them anymore.

when i started college i did make an effort to be more outgoing, and for a while i was happy, the first day i just said right i'm just going to change my life. i made the effort to just chat with random people, i made friends with a guy, we hung round together, i suppose we just clicked, it was the first time i really felt completely comfortable around someone else. after about 5 months he dropped out however and suddenly everyone else was in little 'groups' and for the rest of the course i never really had any friends, aquaintences yes, friends no.


thanks a lot for the replies

Visage

You are not alone. I have only one friend who I have not seen for many years. It is a nerve wracking scenario going to a college with so many people. The best thing to do is try and make friends with a few people in your class. Then other people will see you are okey and maybe they will chat with you. I start french class tomorrow night and I have set myself a challenge. I am going to make friends with atleast two people over thirty weeks. First impressions make a difference. I know its hard, but you have nothing to lose. We all need friends. I get so lonely sometimes and when I am ill, loneliness hits me very hard and just curl up and cry.

You sound like an interesting person. If you are not living in America, but in either Ireland or England, perhaps we could be friends and help each other. If it don't work out, we can forget the whole thing. It is just an idea. Quite strange really but you know, one has to take risks to get some place;)

I will let you decide.

theTinker

Rev Hellfire wrote:

But oddly enough the best way to set about getting friends is in a sense to actually not to try to do so. People become friends not through a decision to do so but rather common interests and interaction.

Dont know if agree with this, I had the same problem as the OP, its NEARLY sorted now but I had to consciously put effort and thought into things/people. Like pursue people a little. I just wouldnt want the OP waiting and wondering why nothing is happening.

OP u seem really to focus on the "getting to know the REAL U" stuff. Do you think if you put effort into it, that you could have like more "casual friends". Just keeping it cool and relaxed like.? The ones that get to know you closely will happen by themselves but accept as many light friends into your life as you can. You can never have too many. I used to do only one on ones with people. groups make me feel really uncomfortable and isolated. The problem i found(too late though) was that when a person left me, there wasnt any one else around since it wasnt a group. So you need to branch out into loads of one on ones imo.
Try myspace or bebo. U can send comments to people in your class, it will give you an opening. As you can see from all the replies. its a really common issue with people. people in the groups u see have it too.

If u feel really ballsy one day. Ive never seen anyone not get the good answer with this. Walk up to a group of people from your class that are having lunch and just ask "Mind if i join ya's?". Can you even imagine yourself denying someone this? not a chance. It gives u also the walk to the after lunch class and u can tag along all day. The next day u can just see one or 2 of them and say hey and talk like u were always friends. I've never seen anyone denied lunch break group joining

Visage

I am going to go for it. If I am refused, well I will not be afraid to try again. i will look out for a few people I feel are okey people. Non smokers preferred. Sometimes getting into groups can help.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how it feels. I too have problems with new people, especially groups of people. It's funny because I'm a very talkative, open person with people I feel comfortable with but with new people I clam up. If I get a friendly vibe from a person, I'm grand, I feel comfortable, and I'll chat away, but if not I just don't know what to say. When I started college and moved into halls, everyone else seemed so cool, they were comfortable with themselves, they already had friends. People did invite me out with them but unless I'd had a few drinks I just didn't know what to say. I'm just crap at making small talk with people I don't know anything about, and I'm sure I come across as boring and having nothing to say. I know that isn't true, I've done loads of interesting things but I never can relate my experiences to the conversation. I just feel so awkward. I have got a little better, because I care a lot less what people think of me now. I will talk to people and if they think I'm weird, it's their problem. But it's a hard thing to conquer. You didn't mention this, but is it just people your own age you can't talk to? I'm grand with older people, but I always think people my age will judge me and think I'm weird. I was bullied by a few different people at school which left me with a very untrusting attitude towards my peers.

I worked in France last year and I had to get over my shyness. Being forced to talk to people helped a lot, and after doing it in French, speaking to English customers was a piece of cake. I'm still shy but it's better. I also learned to make the first move to go out with people. For some reason in the past I never even considered calling someone to see if they wanted to do something in case I seemed like a desperate latch or something? It seems so silly now. When I was over there I started taking the initiative and asking people if they fancied coming over for a drink or out for a walk, and they always said yes. When I had made a few friends I introduced them to each other and started inviting them all out together and it was great! I know it's totally normal but I've always made it into a big deal. My advice to you would be to jump in and make the effort yourself. You haven't anything to lose. I wish I had done it earlier, but for this next college year, making new friends is at the top of my list, by approaching anyone I see standing about outside a lecture or in the queue in the canteen.

Kell

Unregperson wrote:

my parents hit me quite a bit when i was young, i know most people got the wooden spoon thing during their youth, but i really feel that my parents definately went overboard,

Alarm bells.

Unregperson wrote:

my earliest memory is being slapped across the head for acidently spilling something.

Your first memory of childhood shouldnt be a negative one. Jeebus parents need a fúcking manual sometimes.

Unregperson wrote:

i was bullied by a guy in primary school but then again loads of people are and it generally makes them stronger.

Bullying only makes the bully stronger. Most people bury the emotional crap that goes along with bullying rather than deal with it.

I am drawing a straight line between your dislike of opening up to heavy handed parents and bullying in school. Seems you've become pre-conditioned to expect shíte if you open up, so you avoid it.

Anyways, before I head off on pop psychology 101, it seems your issues are a bit more deep rooted than you give credit to. The absence of talk about your childhood with your folks and a functioning relationship implies repression/denial of the past.

My real advice? Have a good think about your past and draw lines between things then and possible implications for you now. From your posts, I can see loads.

Professional advice is what I would go for TBH.

K-

LegacyUser

OP, you have taking the words right out of my mouth. I have often thought about posting here with this problem. My whole life has been taking over by this shyness/social awkwardness. I have often been told i'm a stuck up cow etc. Have sometimes even thought I'd rather people think that about me than have them realise how shy I am and unable to hold a conversation.
I'm 25 and have a boyfriend, but it was over a year and a half before i'd meet his parents. I made sure we met in a pub for lunch and I had 3 three drinks before they arrived but was still very shy. I hate it.
Even throughout school I never had any friends, only a group of girls that "let" me sit with them for lunch. School was a horrible depressing experience for me. In College I decided that no-one knows me here and I'm going to start fresh and make a big effort to talk to people. Didn't work, people just thought I was weird because I never had input during class, or I wouldn't show up if we had a presentation/speech to do.
My brother and sister are the same as me. Maybe its just genetic. But we also had a rough upbringing, we were terrified of my dad. My parents were constantly rowing, they have since split and my mam blames herself for our shyness, saying she should have left him years ago. There was always a really horrible atmosphere in our home. We do still talk to our dad, he has had counselling since and has changed to some extent. We are not close to him though, never were, never will be.
I have to say, I love group situations when I have a few drinks, I become really chatty, not the slightest bit nervous, but when I see the same people the next day I won't speak a word to them and then I get branded stuck up.

LegacyUser

You sound so similar to me...

I havent had a friend since i was 8 years old. Ive never even had a hug, let alone a girlfriend

My parents werent very nice. They keep telling me how selfish and useless i am, and my mum once told me i dont deserve a mother.

I went to college thinking i would change and get to know people. Guess what? Despite trying my hardest, im still the quiet weird guy who sits in the corner and has no friends. Watching everyone else talk and be normal while im sitting there wishing i had a friend.

I'm told i come off as 'militaristic', 'cold', 'threatening', 'hostile' and my favourite 'im pretty sure if i met you by myself youd rape me then murder me' (said in all seriousness by a girl to me. great for my self esteem)

Sorry i didnt expect to write all that. I related to your post so much it just all came out

if anyone here has msn, id love to speak to you. I've never met anyone in my situation before. Well offline i have but obvious mutual problems prevent me communicating with them.

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