Confused about past sex

LegacyUser

Right, this is an odd question I suppose, but It's just something that's been hovering around in the back of my mind, I can't seem to get an answer out of myself.

I lost my virginity when I was young, not horrifically young, but younger than I would have liked, I was 14, to a guy of the same age, we were going out for a few months at the time.

Now at that time, I took the care to educate myself about everything from STI to contraception, and this was at the stage that sex ed in schools didn't venture further than a description of a tampax. I was on the pill by the time I was fifteen and in the physical sense I tried to be as mature as I could. Emotionally I was very naive, I was the type of kid who saw the best in everyone, I lacked common sense and failed to see though people who had any ulterior motive. As far as I was concerned, life was brilliant, I had a lovely boyfriend who promised to look after me, always be there ect, ect. Although he was the same age as me, he was aeons more experianced when it came to people, in relationships he just seemed to know what he was doing, which left me in awe, since he was my first boyfriend, plus he was also a virgin. To me, he seemed to hold this ideal mix between the experianced and the inexperianced, I loved the guy.

It took the relationship months of difficulties (on his part, I never argued with him, he always had a problem with my behavior) to finally disolve after just over a year. After it ended and the initial fallout from the breakup had cleared, I finally took the time to think back on everything we had done. I find it so strange, that at the time I remember thinking "I'm ready for this" and thinking it was all so meaningfull yet in retrospect, I never remember enjoying any of it, I never felt anything positive afterwards, just very exposed, dirty and a little sore.

Now, something happened when the relationship was on it's way out that I never did manage to make sense of. He came to stay in my house, (which my mother allowed, in hindsight, it was neglectfull parenting) and we had sex. As usual I had my head shoved into the wall facing away from him, this had become the norm, if I suggested anything else it was usually met with a sideways glance and a "perhaps". Everything's hazy looking back on it but I remember being in pain, (sex always hurt, I had just been keeping my fingers crossed it would stop someday), and trying to gather up the courage to say stop. And I did, but to no avail, he paused and laughed slightly, the kind of laugh that says "don't be silly" and kept going, I cried during it, but he never saw that. I don't remember anything else from that time.

It's nothing something that causes anguish in everyday life, though I do remember for a long time afterwards I hated people touching me. But now it's just something that I wonder, what exactly happened that night? Bar the obvious of course. Was it just bad sex, or some form of sexual assault(probably not the right word). Halfway through it definaltly wasn't consesual anymore, so does that make it rape, or was I just too much of an idiot to say no properly? I suppose I should add, at that stage of the relationship, I was scared of that guy, his word was law and I'd never dare contradict. I'd be greatfull for any opinions, cause this is one of the things that I've never told anbody, so it's just played over and over again in my head for so many years, I just can't make sense of it anymore.

secret_squirrel

Sounds like Rape to me.

At best it sounds like someone who got their kicks dominating an unwilling partner.

In light of his age Im hoping it was ignorance rather than deliberate cruelty.

I wouldn't like to guess though....


Have you thought about counselling? If its made you have intimacy issues it might help, however if you have sucessfully got over them on your own - well done and fair play to you!

SoupyNorman

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape#Definitions_of_rape

See if this helps in defining what happened to you, its a tough one when things happened when you were younger start to affect you in later life and start to knaw away at you thought process as your memories can sometimes be a little hazey.

My view on it is when you refer to it not being 'consenual half way through anymore' is fair enough but did you make your feelings clear to this guy, if so and he forcably continued then it does not sound good.

Smellyirishman

stillwondering wrote:

Was it just bad sex, or some form of sexual assault(probably not the right word). Halfway through it definaltly wasn't consesual anymore, so does that make it rape, or was I just too much of an idiot to say no properly? I suppose I should add, at that stage of the relationship, I was scared of that guy, his word was law and I'd never dare contradict.

How exactly did you say no?

Was it "Ow, stop" (This could cue embarassed laughter, as in "hehe, whoops sorry")

or

"Stop...I said stop...STOP"

or

"No, I am sorry, I can't do this, get off me please."

Was he phyiscally arresting you, could you not have flipped him off (no, not give him the finger) or at least made some movement to show that you were serious. It sounds to me like you didn't want it, but you never let him know (you were scared etc...) he is not a mind reader. You say "as usual" so you had been having sex frequently enough, why, after the first time, did you not cease sexual contact (or even contact entirly)?

I could be well off, just trying to get some more info because rape accusations are not to be flung around.

Dinxminx

I agree with Smellyirishman, I think it depends on how you said it. But if it wasn't consensual then it was... half-rape? Doesn't sound at all good to me. He sounds frightening.

bug

stillwondering wrote:

Now, something happened when the relationship was on it's way out that I never did manage to make sense of. He came to stay in my house, (which my mother allowed, in hindsight, it was neglectfull parenting) and we had sex. As usual I had my head shoved into the wall facing away from him, this had become the norm, if I suggested anything else it was usually met with a sideways glance and a "perhaps". Everything's hazy looking back on it but I remember being in pain, (sex always hurt, I had just been keeping my fingers crossed it would stop someday), and trying to gather up the courage to say stop. And I did, but to no avail, he paused and laughed slightly, the kind of laugh that says "don't be silly" and kept going, I cried during it, but he never saw that. I don't remember anything else from that time.

It's nothing something that causes anguish in everyday life, though I do remember for a long time afterwards I hated people touching me. But now it's just something that I wonder, what exactly happened that night? Bar the obvious of course. Was it just bad sex, or some form of sexual assault(probably not the right word). Halfway through it definaltly wasn't consesual anymore, so does that make it rape, or was I just too much of an idiot to say no properly? I suppose I should add, at that stage of the relationship, I was scared of that guy, his word was law and I'd never dare contradict. I'd be greatfull for any opinions, cause this is one of the things that I've never told anbody, so it's just played over and over again in my head for so many years, I just can't make sense of it anymore.

You don't have to label it.
All that matters is how it made you feel.

From the brief summary you posted it seems that you were naive as would be expected at that age, you looked up to someone and someone took advantage of you in many ways.

You were young, and at fourteen your in a vulnerable state having sex, let alone with someone who had a hold over you.

You weren't an idiot. You were far too young and someone had an emotional hold over you. Not a hard thing to do, considering you were a 14 year old female child and full of the ideas of love.

You had all the practical protection but none of the emotional protection maybe.

If you can't console yourself I would suggest you talk to someone if it really plays a part in your current life. I don't know how many years later you are here...?

LegacyUser

Was it not statutory rape anyway because the girl was underage ?

secret_squirrel

bug wrote:

You don't have to label it.
All that matters is how it made you feel.

Quoted for Truth. The exact definition doesnt matter, its the effect its had on you that matters. Try to concentrate on that, and taking the actions you need to heal.

LegacyUser

After pondering it for a little more, I think I've managed to clear up a couple of things in my own head, it's funny how just getting things out in the open can help. Anyway, I'm going to say myself that it's not rape, I'm by no means a person to throw around accusations like that, it's just that there seemed to be no other word I could think of that could describe it. Half rape like someone said :P

To clarify one thing I did make it clear it was a serious "stop, this is painfull, get off me" type stop at the time, but I think what made him continue was pure ignorance. Before that time, I had never questioned him, never disagreed or gave out to him for anything. From what I knew of him, I'd bet money he just didn't take me seriously when I said stop. He knew full well he could get away with it. He wasn't a nice person and I was terrified of him.

I guess what caused the most damage wasn't that one occasion, but everything he did altogether. I just hope that he's grown up since I've seen him and doesn't treat anyone else with the same dissrespect. That could just be wishfull thinking though.

Joseph

If you were both the same age, then technially, under law. You were raping each other. However obviously there are loop holes, and Im no legal expert

Marksie

reagrdless of what it is called or what it was, deliberate or naivete on both your parts.
And avoiding any moralistic observations on parenting.

The bottom line is that after all these years it is still affecting you negatively.

You have not attempted to hide it or supress it as you have posted here and are getting it out into the open and trying to come to terms with it.
That is good as to repress it would lead to major problems later.

How old are you OP?... how long have you carried this around with you? and do you belive it has affected your subsequent relationships?

Perhaps the thing to do would be to explore this with the aid of a professional... not to attempt to label it as rape, assault or anything like that yet.. or even two young people, physically but not emotionally ready for sex. As you have said it is hazy, but by talking with someone treained then you may be able to put it into context and finally move on and past this

Santa Claus

secret_squirrel wrote:

Sounds like Rape to me.

At best it sounds like someone who got their kicks dominating an unwilling partner.

Let's bear in mind that they were both 14 before we start talking about rape and domination......

As far as I know, and I'm open to contradiction here, legally once intercourse was initiated consentually then it can't be classed as rape (What I mean is that while NO means NO, Yes followed by NO is normally something that gardai/courts are very hesitant to prosecute as it's very easy for a good solicitor to argue a way out of it).

Anyway, the best thing I think is to go and talk this over with a counsellor !

theTinker

I wouldnt waste your time or energy trying to label it as said above.
It sounds like an awful experience and so young must of made it worst. You said stop and he kept going. Regardless of definition, U had some of your most private rights denied and mocked. I would focus on the that fact.
You seem to have a really level head now about how inexperienced you were so you can leave your mistake of being near this guy down to that, but by all means dont believe that what he did was in any way down to you. He's clearly a horrible person and unfortunately you were on the recieving end. Use your experience to make better choices and allow your lots of time to feel all the bad feelings you shoulda felt back when it happened. If its been in your head so long and still churns away, there must be alot of repressed feelings. If it persists or you just feel like it, go to a counselor, its informal, easy to set up and extremely helpful in most cases.

*hugs*

Zillah

Santa Claus wrote:

As far as I know, and I'm open to contradiction here, legally once intercourse was initiated consentually then it can't be classed as rape (What I mean is that while NO means NO, Yes followed by NO is normally something that gardai/courts are very hesitant to prosecute as it's very easy for a good solicitor to argue a way out of it).

When you're under age its statutory rape, as in, because of your status, you cannot legally give permission, so its rape even if they say yes. I never like under age sex being called statutory rape but thats how it works.

Victor

Santa Claus wrote:

As far as I know, and I'm open to contradiction here, legally once intercourse was initiated consentually then it can't be classed as rape (What I mean is that while NO means NO, Yes followed by NO is normally something that gardai/courts are very hesitant to prosecute as it's very easy for a good solicitor to argue a way out of it).

There is a big difference between the OP being hurt and proving a case enough to send the other party to prison. The OP is hurt and thats the point.

OP, it sounds like you could do with speaking with someone who may have the words to help you to properly speak about your experience, whether you want to talk to a local counsellor (your GP will have a list) or the local Rape Crisis Centre. As some people have said, don't let this revolve around the word 'rape'.

Santa Claus

Victor wrote:

There is a big difference between the OP being hurt and proving a case enough to send the other party to prison. The OP is hurt and thats the point.

Victor,
My comment was intended to try and stop the term "rape" being bandied about for what the OP had described (unfortunately it seems to be getting more common in PI that some posters will weigh into a thread with a "sounds like rape to me" comment).

Apologies for going OT, just wanted to clarify my post !