need advice about a friend

LegacyUser

hey, last week, me and my friend had a very deep conversation.

i always knew there was something bothering him, but he would never tell me, everytime he gets drunk he always gets very aggrisive and sometimes hurts people(sent 2 people to causlaty once) i always warned him about the drink, and asked him to stop, but he wouldnt hear any of it.

Well recently he told me what was wrong with him, and i dont think i can handle it, cause he is looking for advice from me.

firstly he says that he cant seem to find anyone likeing him(hell everyone goes through that, and i told him) he says he loves this girl since he became friends with her(2 years ago) and he cant stop thinking about her, but she dosent want anything to do with him(relationship wise, not friendship)

the other and more important issue, is that he told me he was raped when he was 12... now, its a big shocker and i didnt know what to say... he said that a older woman in her late 30's raped him... i was asking if anyone else knew and if he knows the person... he says that she is good friends with the parents. to be honest, i really do not know what the hell to do. i want to help him comfort him, but i cant.. i really dont know what i can do,

Victor

First off, I think he needs time to talk to someone in a safe environment. He seems to have confided in you, but you (both!) might need some professional support.

I don't know and wouldn't guess that the two - alcohol abuse and sexual abuse - are related. A good start might be his, or a GP. Offer to accompany him if he'd like it, to the reception or right by his side. You don't have to do much other than be there for him.

The GP can probably put you in contact with support services on both issues and counselling.

You will have to, at some point, explain to your friend that it is very difficult to remain his friend if he is violent. This is not to say he is bad, but the things he does when drunk are bad and that they hurt people, physically and mentally.

Black Swan

Victor gave good advice.

Kell

worriedfriend wrote:

i want to help him comfort him

Then do so. There is no reason for you to wonder what you think about it, just be there for him.

Re drinking and violence- the alternative of slipping into depression from a rape, is to go out and declare yourself as being very strong. Its a result of having power taken away from the victim at such a deep level that the victim wants to make sure they are in control by reacting violently towards those who threaten them (real or imagined). Its still depression, just a different form to what most expect. Perhaps pointing this out to him may make him draw the correlation himself and make him understand that he doesnt have to react the way he does.

Gentley urge professional help, but be gentle. I hate the word victim, but they need to kinda make the decision themselves rather than have it forced on them and its a real biggie to sit down in front of a stranger and say "Hi. My name is Tom and x happened when I was 12".

Patience, gentleness and comfort are the only thing you can extend to your friend, and dont be afraid to do any of it.

K-

Rb

Loads of guys like to go out, get drunk and start fights. Some of them seem to love it and think it wouldn't be a night without one. Some people are just naturally aggressive after drinking.I personally don't get it, but what I'm saying is that his tendancy to get into fights after drinking, or be aggressive, may have absolutely no relation to the fact he was raped.
Tbh, he'll only learn once he picks a fight when drunk and gets a right beating off him tbh. Either that, or you could keep trying to get him to cut down on how much he drinks.

Regarding the rape, he'll definately need counseling, he obviously trusts you so I think you could go with him. A good start would be getting him to go to a GP and getting advice from there.

Good luck with it.