Need advice PLEASE

LollicupSleven

I made a huge mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, I know this, but this was a bad one. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. I know that doesn't seem that long, but we connected way before we actually got together, and we fell in love fairly quickly. He is my world. Truly, I do not know what I would do without him in my life. However, we are in a long distance relationship and I, still being in college, am struggling with this now more than ever.

This summer, one of my old friends was in town for the summer. We had dated a bit in High School, and there had always been a strong attraction between us. One night this summer, it got the best of both of us and in the heat of the moment I cheated. I cheated on my boyfriend, the best thing that has ever happened to me, the one who is my everything. It was one night. One stupid mistake of a night. My friend and I have hardly talked since.

Needless to say, my boyfriend found out and was devastated (still is) and I can hardly blame him. I have tried everything to make things better and he keeps saying that he wants to be with me again he just needs time to forgive and forget. I understand that, I really do. I have said absolutely everything, done everything that I can possibly do and I feel like it's going nowhere. I am devastated, heartbroken, torn, and every word in between. I can't live like this, wondering if we'll ever be ok, dangling like this hanging on by a thread.

I know I deserve everything that he's putting me through right now, but how long is this supposed to go on? How long am I supposed to beat up on myself, be in this depression, be without him before I just can't take it anymore? I am so hurt and I know he's hurting too but there comes a point where he either wants to be with me or he doesn't. I can't be this vulnerable, this miserable forever!

They always say, you do the crime, you pay the time, but how much time is deserved? I was honest about it, I told him what happened, I didn't hide anything. Every question he asked, I answered no matter how gut wrenching it was. I did it. I know I ****ed up. I know it. But there's just nothing else I can say or do. I just want it all to go away!!! I have no one without him, he is my EVERYTHING! I'm falling off the edge and I don't know how to climb back up.

Ruu_Old

Well if you really want to be with him, just give him his space and leave it at that. The time shouldn't matter to you if you really want it to work the next time around. You made a mistake, you are sorry and you shouldn't keep beating yourself up about it, doing so is living in the past, move on and forget it. I don't think you can set a time on this so if you can't take then talk to your partner and let him know how you are feeling. It sounds like you both need each other. Sit down and communicate until the issue is resolved, or at least partly resolved. Best of luck with it.

Black Swan

Takes time to heal. He may forgive you, then again, he may not. In any case, you can learn from this mistake. Good luck.

LollicupSleven

how can I move on and forget it if he's not willing to yet?

miles teg

LollicupSleven wrote:

... I am so hurt and I know he's hurting too but there comes a point where he either wants to be with me or he doesn't. I can't be this vulnerable, this miserable forever!

They always say, you do the crime, you pay the time, but how much time is deserved? I was honest about it, I told him what happened, I didn't hide anything. Every question he asked, I answered no matter how gut wrenching it was. I did it. I know I ****ed up. I know it. But there's just nothing else I can say or do. I just want it all to go away!!! I have no one without him, he is my EVERYTHING! I'm falling off the edge and I don't know how to climb back up.

You seem more concerned with your own feelings than his and you're basically saying he should get over it at your pace. If you still want to be with him, then you should be willing to go through your period of misery. Give him as much space as you can and as much time as he needs

LegacyUser

i've been in the same place, but it was the other way around. i cheated on my gf. stupid night, etc etc .... anyway, keep plugging at it, if it's meant to be you may very well survive it. we did, thanks be to god

dr.bollocko

If you want him back badly, unfortunately you dont get to decide how long it will take for him to forgive you. It is not your call and it won't ever be in a situation like that. You know you can't force him to forgive you. The only way you have of exercising control in this situation is to walk away from the relationship.
If you dont want to do that, as is understandable, then you have to wait it out and attone for a while.

LegacyUser

I don’t think things will ever be the same even if you get back together ..
if it was me I would never forgive or forget. I am afraid that you have probably messed this relationship up.
If you truly loved him and he was everything to you , then you shouldn’t have cheated simple as that....
You may have lost him now for good. The only thing you can do is wait and see what happens time and space and then maybe just maybe if your lucky..

muppetkiller

I am so hurt and I know he's hurting too
your hurt ? your the cheat ? You seem to be more concerned about the fact that your full of guilt and want that feeling to go away.
If I was him i'd never take you back as trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and you betrayed that big time.
And I don't believe for a second that if he meant the world to you blah blah blah ..you'd ever have cheated on him in the first place.

That's my 2 cents ..

Mojito

LollicupSleven wrote:

Needless to say, my boyfriend found out and was devastated

LollicupSleven wrote:

I was honest about it, I told him what happened, I didn't hide anything.

Am I missing something? Looks like you weren't honest and you did hide the truth. Some may forgive very quickly some may take a long time some may never forgive.

LegacyUser

I too am in a long distance relationship. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship but in a long distance relationship trust is *THE* most important thing. You broke that trust. No matter what, if that happened to me - that trust would be gone FOREVER! I love my girlfriend to bits but trust is earned not given so if that trust was broken I doubt even she could earn it back. Just trying to give you some idea what he might be thinking.

He found out about this - you told him the details after that. THAT IS NOT BEING HONEST!!!! You must understand this. He has a lot to deal with right now and no matter how bad you are feeling he is feeling 10 times worse. If, as was said earlier, you want him back then you must wait in the hope that he decides he wants you back - but remember, he may not want you back and even if he does he might realise after getting back with you that it is too big an issue. If you are not willing to take this risk then move on.

Miguel_Sanchez

Just have to say that I know you want him to forgive, forget and move on. But there's a pretty good chance that him forgetting about it and moving on will involved doing it without you.

There's absolutely no guarantee that he'll take you back or if he does that he won't break up with you after a while because he isn't able to trust you.

theTinker

I hope I havent missed anything but I cant see any reference to time in the posts. Has your boyfriend been distant weeks? months?
If this guy ever does forgive you i expect it to take months maybe, and its only gonna be a very slow repair(if he and you are wise).

You just did one of the most horrible things to a relationship and you seem more concerned with how its hurting you. Your lucky this guy is even giving you a chance in thinking about it. He's prolly 'gut wrenched' all day every day so stop rushing him.

On the flip side if he takes mroe than like 4-6 months maybe you should think of going elsewhere yourself. Not that hes not validated in his time but he just might not be able to get over it no matter how hard he wants to or tries.

Also you said he "found out"? so you didnt tell him like? you just confessed when confronted?

I hope it works out for you both though. Always sad to see a relationship break when both want each other.

LegacyUser

Reminds me of this thread last week. This thread sure sign never to tell you cheated.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054991079

AngryBadger

Not really sure what advice you're looking for here? As you say, hugh mistake, you've told him about it, and he's said he needs time, now you have to give him time, as much as he needs. And pity about you if that's tough.

Edit: You don't mention how you cheated on him exactly? I'm assuming you had sex with this other guy, and i gotta be honest, that's not s "moment" of weakness in my view, a quick kiss, maybe even a long kiss, but fully fledged sex, (if that did happen), is not a moment of weakness thing. I'd be looking long and hard at your relationship, and your commitment to it, especially given that it sounds very much like you're feeling sorry for yourself in all this even though you're the transgressor.

tbh

There's nothing you can do - it's not about you anymore, it's about him. Show him by deeds not words that you are worthy of being his girlfriend, and that he can trust you. If that takes a year, two years whatever, stick with it, and if you can't stick with it, it was never meant to be.

free2fly

You have broken his trust. As others have said, trust is the most important aspect of any relationship. He may never be able to trust you again. If you did this to him once you are capable of doing it again. That thought may always be on his mind. He may be able to forgive you, but he will never forget what you did. I wish you the best, but I think you should prepare yourself for the worst.

Kell

LollicupSleven wrote:

how can I move on and forget it if he's not willing to yet?

To quote the Bluetones- "dont put your faith in time, she heals but doesnt change".

The way I read it is you fúcked up and you're not exactly in the best place to determine your penance period afterward. Everyones different, so theres no telling how long it will take him to recover from it.

K-

Chinafoot

LollicupSleven wrote:

I know I deserve everything that he's putting me through right now, but how long is this supposed to go on? How long am I supposed to beat up on myself, be in this depression, be without him before I just can't take it anymore? I am so hurt and I know he's hurting too but there comes a point where he either wants to be with me or he doesn't. I can't be this vulnerable, this miserable forever!

Think how hurt you are right now. Now multiply that by about a hundred and thats probably how hurt he is. You are the one that did the cheating and if he loves you as much as you claim to love him then your pain can't possibly compare to his. You think what he's putting you through is bad...my god woman, think about what he's going through!

The best thing you can do is stop feeling sorry for yourself and let him take his time. As another poster said, trust is vital to a relationship and especially when it comes to long-distance relationships. Without it there is no relationship. You broke that trust and now you have to suffer the consequences. I suggest you stop thinking about yourself and try and see it from his point of view.

If you want to salvage this relationship you need to give him space to think things over. But don't be surprised if he tells you to go jump. I know I would.

LollicupSleven

Thank you. You guys have been really helpful. We love eachother so much and that hasn't changed surprisingly enough. He seems to be even more optimistic about us working out than I am which is definitely a good sign. I'm young, and scared of the future, I made a mistake and I'm learning the hard way. But I truly do feel that he is the one for me, that he is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. He says he just needs time so that's what I'll give him. I'll do anything.

Kell

LollicupSleven wrote:

I'm young, and scared of the future

How come? When I was v early 20's, I couldnt have given a monkeys about the following day let alone further than that (same still applies x years on).

Why on earth would you be scared of the future? Yeah life can have its ups and downs and be pretty crap sometimes, but there are also unexpected fabulous highs you just cant forecast. Its what makes life worth living.

K-

OrangeOranges

IMO Even if ye did get back together.
When it comes dow to it:
I could never get phsical with any gf again knowing she had cheated.

It would be over in one sentance.

Im so stunned this bloke is even considering getting back with you for "love"!
I mean "a moment of weakness" is a pretty long moment when it involves full sex.

Plus on top of that you knew you couldnt trust yourself around this bloke but still put yourself in the situation.
The way I see it you might end up getting away with the best of both worlds. And I know for a fact that your boyfriend is probably a naturally soft bloke when it comes to relationships. This is going to hurt him even more in the future.

Darragh29

"True love is like fine China, precious fine & rare,
If broken it can be mended, but the cracks remain there"...

Got that in a Valentine's Day card years and years ago and thought it might be fitting the the circumstances!

Zulu

OP, how old are you?

Besprechen

LollicupSleven wrote:

This summer, one of my old friends was in town for the summer. We had dated a bit in High School, and there had always been a strong attraction between us. One night this summer, it got the best of both of us and in the heat of the moment I cheated. My friend and I have hardly talked since.

you get off with an old "friend" and now you say youve hardly talked since with this so called friend? why exactly would you even contemplate meeting him again? He isnt a real friend coz no real friend knowing how you feel about your b/f, would've taken advantage of you and would've respected the fact youre in a relationship. If you really want to stay with your boyfriend and you make a go of it, you do need to cut this other guy out of your life completely. anyway, its only been a couple of months so give it time and a chance for trust to get rebuilt, as you say, everyone makes stupid mistakes occassionally that we learn from, so if its meant to be it will, I wish you both best of luck.

LundiMardi

LollicupSleven wrote:

Thank you. You guys have been really helpful. We love eachother so much and that hasn't changed surprisingly enough. He seems to be even more optimistic about us working out than I am which is definitely a good sign. I'm young, and scared of the future, I made a mistake and I'm learning the hard way. But I truly do feel that he is the one for me, that he is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. He says he just needs time so that's what I'll give him. I'll do anything.

If you feel the way you say you feel, then you wouldn't have done it in the first place, your boyfriend is a fool for even considering staying with you.

mel123

Happened to be before, fu*king pri*k Its so horrible when someone does this to you, someone you thought was your soul mate, life companion, 'trusted' partner. Gutted. I was so in love I tried to forgive, didnt last long, it was something that was always there. Him kissing another girl (supposed friend i might bloody add - do i still sound bitter ) Anyway, my tuppence worth, your relationship will probably never be the same again, no matter how hard either of you try!!!

LegacyUser

tbh ....you must have thought about your bf during "the deed"...surely if he was that great a bf you would have pulled away....I am assuming you slept with the other guy but surely you had all the time during foreplay etc...to say "WTF? I'm outha here"

As for you bf he's gonna stew for a while and if he means that much to you you're gonna just wait through it....but i warn you be prepared for major paranoia on his part in the future...no moregirlie night out or staying over in your friends....

DiscoHugh

LundiMardi wrote:

If you feel the way you say you feel, then you wouldn't have done it in the first place, your boyfriend is a fool for even considering staying with you.

have to say i agree with this. where s the self respect? personally i feel that the resentment will always be there and will come to surface at every fight you guys have. call it innocence lost or whatever but i've never heard of a relationship lasting much longer after a cheating incident (The clinton marriage is a political sham imo :cool: )