Met someone else. Im a dog.

LegacyUser

[*names are fabricated]

Hi.


Ok Im in my late 20s and have been seeing a girl, Carrie*, for about 3 months.

We have lots in common and have really good fun together. In the last couple of weeks though, Ive been finding myself less and less physically attracted to her. This makes me feel shallow and guilty, especially considering how absolutely fantastic she is in so many ways.

I recently met a girl, Babs*, who I find extremely physically attractive and so far she also seems very charming and nice to be around. Ive already cheated on my Carrie with her, and Babs knows about Carrie and is expecting me to break up with her, sooner rather than later.

I feel so guilty its making me feel ill. Im not a fickle womaniser as you might presume from what is written here. Its the classic "famine or a feast" situation I suppose.
Before I even met Babs I was giving some serious thought to the future of my relationship with Carrie.

I know its only 3 months but Ive gotten very close to Carrie, and her to me.
She doesnt suspect a thing and I think the sooner I break up with her the better.

Ive never broke up with anyone before, other than when the relationship had deteriorated drastically. I know its going to really hurt Carrie and Ill be devastated too, but I know already that I dont have any future with a girl that I have little physical attraction to.

I dont even know what Im asking for here, but any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.

I know Im a bastard for cheating on Carrie but I feel like utter crap, like Im the lowest most selfish shallow piece of s*** on the planet. Also part of me is superstitious about the situation, worried that after I break up with Carrie, Babs will break up with me and Ill be left on my own... instant karma.

If anything, please someone tell me how I can break up with Carrie and somehow minimise hurting her feelings.
Should I tell her Ive met someone else?
Should I meet her in person or spare both of us the upset and tell her over the phone?

Thanks for reading.

Chinafoot

Break up with her but show her some respect and don't do it over the phone. You've spent three months with her - it might not seem like that long but you should show her some decency and tell her in person.

As to what you tell her, I don't know. That's entirely up to you.

Ruu_Old

100% agree with peachy, you owe it to your girlfriend to break up with her, let her move on as you want no more of a relationship with her. Be kind to your partner and tell her the truth.

free2fly

Oh god. Definitely do not do it over the phone! Let her leave with her dignity. Do it somewhere private so that she can cry if she needs to without being embarrassed to do it. You don't have to tell her that you've met someone else. That will crush her self-esteem. I guess you could just tell her that you honestly don't see a future for the two of you. It's the truth. But don't be surprised if she doesn't agree with you. Be firm in your conviction to end it. But be gentle in the way you tell her. If you are not physically attracted to her it won't work anyway and will only cause her pain in the end. Trust me. I know. Good luck OP.

Chucky the tree

Dont tell her you have meet someone else either.

Strokesfan

Chucky the tree wrote:

Dont tell her you have meet someone else either.

I second that!

Blu Eyz

Strokesfan wrote:

I second that!

I most definitely "3rd" that .... then you definitely will be a dog !

planck2

i nth that conclusion, with n tending to infinity.

LegacyUser

Well, it isn't fair to leave the g/f hanging. It's only going to hurt her more if you take your time.

As for not telling her about the other gal... she will find out any way. May as well say something. And it will keep her from feeling that she ought to stay "available for you just in case you come to your senses." But PLEASE! Don't list off all of Bab's wonderful qualities. Your gal is going to hate Babs and the more she knows of her, the worse the hatred/ jealousy. You've already given her plenty to cry about. That is, of course, if she is as into you as you think.

How do you know she's not keeping a list of things about you that will never make her happy? She may be relieved that you want to end the relationship.
Maybe she can be more adult about it than you.

What really gets me is that I am unreg just in case I am the g/f. That would really suck!

Let is know how it went!

ircoha

dog27 wrote:

.

....n the last couple of weeks though, Ive been finding myself less and less physically attracted to her.
... who I find extremely physically attractive and so far she also seems very charming and nice to be around.

but I know already that I dont have any future with a girl that I have little physical attraction to.

Not much future there if all there is is physical attraction.

It reminds me of the joke
A mother is bathing her 4 year old son.

Pointing to his testicles, he asks, Mom, are they my brains?
Answer: Not yet, son.

_blank_

Why don't you tell Carrie that you'd like to cool things off for a couple of weeks.

At the same time, you have no physical contact with Babs either.

You can see, chat, have a coffee, go for a walk or do whatever with both of them, just no physical stuff. No handholding, no cuddling, no kissing and no sex.

Don't tell Carrie about Babs, and don't tell Babs that you and Carrie have split up either.

Take time out from both girls then. Decide what you want to do.

You may find you miss the intimacy with Carrie, and decide you don't want to break up with her. You may find that you fall more for Babs, and start a realtionship with her, after breaking up properly with Carrie.

One thing though. Do not cheat on your girlfriend again.

Crash

If you do break with the girl, do not do it over the phone. Simple fact is that no matter how horrible and painful the breakup is (and i've been there so many times, on recieving end and the cause of it) that she deserves a face to face. Its also the only closure you're going to get, so its best to do.

you will feel like a ****. hell, after my last breakup I still do, and will for a long time. but if you've enjoyed your time with her, and care about her, then she deserves nothing less than a face to face honest breakup.

Black Swan

dog27 wrote:

I recently met a girl, Babs*, who I find extremely physically attractive and so far she also seems very charming and nice to be around. Ive already cheated on my Carrie with her, and Babs knows about Carrie and is expecting me to break up with her, sooner rather than later.

She doesnt suspect a thing and I think the sooner I break up with her the better.

You obviously do not love Carrie or you would not be with Babs, so yes, break up with Carrie. Please be thoughtful with Carrie's feelings when you do this. Just don't dump her with a "hi", "I met someone else and I am leaving you," then "bye." Find a place very private (cause she might cry) and allow her to work through it. Be polite, but make it very clear that it is over, then allow her to vent. You owe it to her to just sit there and take it! Be a mature caring man, not an immature runaway mouse.

Kell

dog27 wrote:

like Im the lowest most selfish shallow piece of s*** on the planet.

First up you are not a dog. A dog would enjoy guilt free fúcking with numerous partners without wearing protection. He would display his dogliness with pride and cockily strut rather than hang his head in shame.

Quit with the guilt complex! It happens. Get over it.

dog27 wrote:

worried that after I break up with Carrie, Babs will break up with me and Ill be left on my own... instant karma.

Karma's *never that fast. Even if she does, there plenty more <insert cliché>

dog27 wrote:

please someone tell me how I can break up with Carrie and somehow minimise hurting her feelings.

Seriously? An A-Z? Jeez you dont ask for much. Do we have to include a paragraph to deal with a concealed weapon and/or garotting?

Its like this. Its a new experience for you. We could write many trite replies about how you should do this, and definitely dont do that, and blah blah blah. Just go and do it- you know you have to dump Babs or Carrie or whoever the fúck, just go do it and deal with the mopping up afterward. Pre-empting it will only give you the willies.

K-

*voice of experience

event

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

You obviously do not love Carrie or you would not be with Babs, so yes, break up with Carrie.

he isnt claiming he loves her

greenkittie

DO tell her you met someone else! Not so very long ago i was in an extreamly similar situation and the fact that he explained to me that he had found someone else made it alot easier for me to move on and i really respected his honesty.

Miss Fluff

Meet her and have the decency to tell her face to face. Don't tell her about this other girl, won't exactly help her self-esteem if she thinks she is being left for a thid party. Just be honest insofar as you don't see it going anywhere and that you don't want to mess her around.

greenkittie

If shes knows she is being left for someone else will it not damage her self esteem less? At least then she can think its not her its just that you have a greater connection with the other person?

Ickle Magoo

I think you should tell her you met someone else & you were unfaithful to Carrie with them because you have a better "physical attraction" to Babs...that way she will not only see she is well shot of having such a man, she may even be grateful to you for letting her see what kind of guy you are now rather than a yr or two down the line.

If a bf told me they had cheated then I'd be a bit hurt, a bit shocked but ultimately I'd be glad of the opportunity to tell them I never wanted to see them again. Problem solved.

cork-langer

4 Simple words...........

Carrie, I am Gay.

Problem solved. Neeext.

SingingCherry

cork-langer wrote:

4 Simple words...........

Carrie, I am Gay.

Problem solved. Neeext.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That could work... just don't let babs hear about it.

Seriously, what you did was a bit low -- just because you are attracted to someone else, doesn't mean you have to capitalise on it IMMEDIATELY. If you really respected Carrie, you would have broken up with her before cheating on her. So, you're kind of crap.

As to what to do now -- I'd say breka up with her, and when she yells and screams (if she does), then take it. I don't think I would tell her straight off about Babs, I think if I heard about another girl while a guy was breaking up with me, I would feel extremely low. I'd say IF she does find out about Babs and she calls to yell and scream and cry, then again you have to take it. You've made your bed, now lay in it.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the responses.

Unreg: Im sure there are plenty of things she could list off about me which will never make her happy. I have serious financial problems, Im an emotional retard and I suspect Im pretty M.O.R in bed. Believe me, I think she deserves better.
I also hope its not you and Ill let you know how it goes depending on if it goes. Im still undecided as to what to do and Im running out of time.

Ickle Magoo. - "shot of a guy like you"
I accept that cheating is a horrible thing to do but I found your comments a little harsh.

I AM very attracted to Carrie by the way, I think we may have just slightly overdone things on the pyhsical contact side of things in recent weeks. Without being too crude [hopefully], I think perhaps too much sex can somehow damage mutual attraction [hopefully on temporarily]

Ive spent a bit more time with Babs and though Im very attracted to her I dont know her very well and really, anything could happen.

Shes very very very quiet and Im a bit of a clown. Also she doesnt like music and music is my life. Carrie loves music with the same passion as mine. Ok, Ill admit it, I dont have much in common with Babs.

Regarding if I love Carrie. Yes I do. I can say that with total conviction, without a shadow of doubt. She is the most wonderful person Ive ever met.
She can sense that Ive been a bit distant the last few days and I know its upsetting her, and that it upsetting me.

Im having second thoughts. I think Im only realising how much I care for Carrie now. The whole thing is a mess.

Im sorry guys for being such a moan. Im usually ok at sorting my s*** out, but Ive never been in the position where I might really badly hurt someones feelings.

I dont know how much significance you guys might put on this, but Babs is leaving the country for good in January, so any potential relationship is pretty much doomed.

I know I can still turn back. I went out with a girl few years ago. I was on the verge of breaking up with her for different reasons after a couple of months. We didnt break up and the relationship lasted nearly 2 years and was fantastic.

I havent seen Carrie in a while as she has been away. Im meeting her tomorrow and I have a feeling Im gonna burst into tears myself when I see her. I might end up telling her the truth and grovelling for another chance.

Well I better go. Sorry guys. I really do appreciate yall taking the time to reply, and thanks especially to those of you who realise that this isnt simply a black+white issue.


dog

spinandscribble

tell us how it goes. tbh seems a bit like you wanted a new toy to play with while she was away imo, sorry to be harse

LegacyUser

I couldnt sleep last night. Was so worried and confused. A thought occurred to me: imagine if I had never met Babs and everything was just the way it was before.. it was a comforting thought.

I told Babs I was sorry but couldnt dump Carrie. She was pretty understanding although she wants to keep in touch.

I met Carrie and everythings fine. I didnt tell her about Babs and dont intend to. We had the most fun and intimate evening together.

I've learnt my lesson. Ill never cheat on Carrie ever again. I was foolish and selfish and stupid. And now I feel more attracted to Carrie than ever.

Because of my s***ty actions, nobody wins. Babs feels used. Carrie doesnt know her boyfriend cheated on her, and I have to live with the guilt. Im gonna try to put this behind me asap and move on with my life with Carrie, who Ill never take for granted ever again.

I guess thats it. Case closed. Thank feck.

Ickle Magoo

dog27 wrote:

Ickle Magoo. - "shot of a guy like you"
I accept that cheating is a horrible thing to do but I found your comments a little harsh.

Cheating is a horrible thing to do by your own admission. You have to accept a person who does a horrible thing to someone they care about is a pretty nasty guy - there is no point in bleating on about me being harsh! Anyway, so far you have cheated on your gf & now you are being dishonest/lying to her about it so she doesn't dump you - sounds like the beginnings of a fantastic relationship...best of luck!

LegacyUser

You have to accept a person who does a horrible thing to someone they care about is a pretty nasty guy

NO.
People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, not even you, oh judgemental one.

Magoo Ive read other comments by you in other threads and I find your attitude to be conceited and judgemental so I dont value your opinion much anyway.

sounds like the beginnings of a fantastic relationship...best of luck!

I dont appreciate your sarcasm either. Do you post in the PI section try to help people or to make yourself feel better by knocking people?

My relationship with Carrie is stronger than ever. I did something bad and Im doing my best to put things right. Im not excusing my actions but I am not a "pretty nasty guy". Im a good guy who f***ed up.

iguana

dog27 wrote:

Im a good guy who f***ed up.

If Carrie knew the truth would she agree? I feel very sorry for her. You don't even seem to have any moral qualms about continuing the relationship after cheating on her.

Now that you have chosen which girl you want to be with it's case closed!:mad:

LegacyUser

Im not sure exactly how she would react if Carrie knew.

Moral qualms? I feel guilty as hell but that has nothing to do with the original post I made.

I say "case closed" because I have made my mind up about what Im going to do and am not seeking any more advice.

Its very easy for someone reading this to scorn me from a high horse, and to be honest, to say "I feel very sorry for your girlfriend [who I love and you dont know] is a bit rich.

I came here for advice initially because I had cheated on my girlfriend and was considering breaking up with her.
I later decided to stay with Carrie and cease contact with Babs. Of course I feel guilty but Im also releaved that I came to my senses.

cance

dog27 wrote:

NO.
People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, not even you, oh judgemental one.

Magoo Ive read other comments by you in other threads and I find your attitude to be conceited and judgemental so I dont value your opinion much anyway.

well being an avid reader of these pages, i would completely disagree with you. i find her posts very interesting, fair and to the best of the time non judgmental. what she said here has been echo'd by other posters so id just lay off if i were you.

dog27 wrote:

I dont appreciate your sarcasm either. Do you post in the PI section try to help people or to make yourself feel better by knocking people?

eh sorry chappy, but you went and did the lowest thing you can do to the person you love, then blabbed all about it here, then gave her abuse because she told you what she thought?

do us a favour and go elsewhere for advice in future if you dont want to take the critisism associated with the awful thing you did.

dog27 wrote:

My relationship with Carrie is stronger than ever. I did something bad and Im doing my best to put things right. Im not excusing my actions but I am not a "pretty nasty guy". Im a good guy who f***ed up.

how can you possibly judge that your relationship is stronger than ever considering a. its been one night, and b. you are holding a destroying secret from her. your relationship is only stronger now because you fucked up and are trying to make up for it.

best of luck in either case. But if she finds out you will get what you deserve.

LegacyUser

i find her posts very interesting, fair and to the best of the time non judgmental.

Thats your opinion, which I dont share.

what she said here has been echo'd by other posters so id just lay off if i were you.

You would? Why? Do bad things happen to people who people who express differing opinions to yours?

do us a favour and go elsewhere for advice in future if you dont want to take the critisism associated with the awful thing you did.

Dont tell me what to do. I know it was an aweful thing I did and I can take *criticism*, I just expressed _my opinion_ that I thought she was being harsh and judgemental, and not particulary helpful.

you ****ed up and are trying to make up for it.
.... if she finds out you will get what you deserve

Id watch your language if I were you.
How do you know what will happen if she finds out I cheated on her?
And who is to say what I ''deserve''?
You dont know her and you dont know me and you know nothing about our relationship.
If she finds out I cheated on her it will be because I choose to tell her and I suspect it might damage the relationship. Ill cross that bridge when I get to it.

If a heroin addict comes here looking for advice, he doesnt need to be told that what he did was stupid. I know what I did was stupid and wrong. I came here for advice initially and now Im moving on and doing what I have decided to do.

LegacyUser

OMFG Give the man a break. He went down the wrong path and is trying to make good. OP- I think you should tell her but I am not going to give you abuse about doing something crappy.

iguana

dog27 wrote:

you know nothing about our relationship.

In fairness dude, quite a few people on here know at least one important thing about your relationship that your girlfriend doesn't know.:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

in fairness dude this is a personal issues forum and a large percentage of the threads involve some things peoples partners dont know.

Ickle Magoo

dog27 wrote:

NO.
People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect, not even you, oh judgemental one.

Magoo Ive read other comments by you in other threads and I find your attitude to be conceited and judgemental so I dont value your opinion much anyway.

That's called transferrence, Dog, when you start name calling & bringing others behaviour into question when your own is being discussed, as way of making yourself feel better about what you have done. I'm a long way from perfect but I can say with my hand on my heart that I've never cheated on a partner...ever. I don't have to be judgemental - you told me what you did. I don't care if you value my opinion, if you choose to post in a public forum & ask for opinions then you get mine, if I choose to post, whether you want to hear it or not - or use the ignore button. I'm assuming the "other posts" refer to the thread by the guy did the dirty on his gf & you were trying to justify his actions there too?

dog27 wrote:

I dont appreciate your sarcasm either. Do you post in the PI section try to help people or to make yourself feel better by knocking people?

See above for my thoughts on appreciation & transference...I always try to help & no I don't have to make myself feel better about anything - you did the deed, accept the negative feedback...or did you expect everyone to pat you on the back & tell you what a really nice guy you are, you just made a boo boo? :rolleyes:

dog27 wrote:

My relationship with Carrie is stronger than ever. I did something bad and Im doing my best to put things right. Im not excusing my actions but I am not a "pretty nasty guy". Im a good guy who f***ed up.

How are you "puting things right"? You can't EVER "put them right", you can only do the right thing from here in but that will never take away from the fact that you now have - & will always have - titanically wronged your gf, do you not get that? :eek: The truth is you have stopped cheating on your gf & you are pretending you never cheated on her because you have realised you want Carrie & she might dump you if she knew the truth. That is so unbelievably selfish & callous, I can't find even a whiff of "good guy" in your posts (tho I don't doubt in the flesh you are nicer than your posts suggest but remember, I only have your posts to go on) and I can't believe you're playing the poor little ole me card on top of that!

Your "stronger" relationship is built on lies & deceit, so altho your feelings for your gf may be stronger now, there is no way your relationship can be strengthened by this unless you tell her what you did, she forgives you & you both work through it. I actually do hope things work out for you & I also hope you have learnt your lesson when it comes to having your cake & eating it. Best of luck

cance

dog27, your opinion or yourself has changed dramatically from start to finish of this thread. GL with your missus, i can only hope you will have the decency to tell her.

LegacyUser

Magoo you really do *seem* to have a lot of anger and bitterness, just an observation. Im not interested in transference, youre good at arguing and Im tired right now so Im not going to bother arguing with you either.
What I will say is this:
Comment all you like on my attitude or mentality, based on what youve read here, but it doesnt wash with me because like you said, you dont know me in real life.
Also, you express your *opinions* as fact and this is very annoying...
for example:

That is so unbelievably selfish & callous

If you throw in the odd "in my opinion", "perhaps", or "it seems", people will respect your arguments more because you show signs of acknowledgeing the concept of democracy, freedom of speech, and a fair and respectful debate.
You will also come across as less of a self righteous preacher.. in my opinion. [see what I did there?]

To answer your question:
No- I dont expect sympathy or pats on the back.... right Im glad we got that cleared up.

and:

I also hope you have learnt your lesson

Yes I have learnt my lesson, Im glad this pleases you.

Cance, I wont go into the "opinion of yourself" comment because this thread and this whole PI forum is already jam packed with people insulting each other, directly and indirectly, but needless to say it irked me somewhat.
I may tell her at some stage but thats something Id like to give more thought to.

Thanks again everyone who posted their thoughts, views, ideas, etc

cance

dog27 wrote:

Cance, I wont go into the "opinion of yourself" comment because this thread and this whole PI forum is already jam packed with people insulting each other, directly and indirectly, but needless to say it irked me somewhat.

well my intention was never to get a rise from you, but IMO from your blatant "self hate" (im a dog etc) in the first few posts up to your "defensive" (dont judge me) recent ones, i felt your self opinion has changed somewhat.

thats all i meant. GL!

Kersh

Your relationship with Babs wont go anywhere either. So in a few months you will be ditching her, so get some practice now.
The reason I say this is that Babs has seen what you did with Carrie (picking up her while seeing the other), and she knows your a Dog... do you think she doesnt mind/hasnt noticed this...

iguana

dog27 wrote:

If you throw in the odd "in my opinion", "perhaps", or "it seems", people will respect your arguments more because you show signs of acknowledgeing the concept of democracy, freedom of speech, and a fair and respectful debate.
You will also come across as less of a self righteous preacher.. in my opinion. [see what I did there?]

Come off it, ****ing someone else when you know the person who loves you would be devasted by your actions is selfish and callous, that is fact not opinion.

Curly wee

I agree with telling her the truth... its much easier for her to leave and get over things by being able to say 'F*** him' if she knows what you have done.
Otherwise she will probably be thinking 'what did I do wrong..' Happened me a few years back and when I eventually found out he was with someone else I felt like a fool for having wasted more than 5 min thinking about him....


ive just realise how far behind in the story I was... Oops..

Dont know if it will work out...how can you go on as if nothing happened??

LegacyUser

Cance- I get your point.

Kersh- If you read through the whole thread youll find that I put a complete stop to seeing Babs, though I get what you mean.

Curly it is impossible for me to go on as if nothing has happened. Despite my narky defensive tone in some recent posts, Im still riddled with guilt. Like I said before, I may tell Carrie at some stage but thats something Im going to give a lot more thought to first.

Ickle Magoo

Dog, I'm not angry or bitter - you just have trouble accepting what you have done & what implications that has in plain English.

And by all means come back & give me lessons on free speech, democracy & fair or respectful anything when you haven't cheated on your gf & are planning not to let her in on it?! :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

yes you are angry and bitter.
no i dont have a problem accepting what ive done.
fact.
fact fact fact. blah. magoo- youre boring me now.