Help with friends

esperanza

I have just spent an evening with" friends". I put that term in inverted commas, they should be called acquaintances I guess. I'm hoping someone can ease my pain here (sarcastic and rude remarks are NOT welcome, please).

These "friends" are all top legal professionals and think they know so much about everything. Even though, I also know a lot and show it, they seem uninterested in what I have to say most of the time. I get the impression I'm less 'important" than them, just because I wansn't "born" into a wealthy family. I get annoyed being looked down on and really don't know how to resolve this problem, or if it can be resolved. Am I the one with the problem or are they? As a professional, I find it difficult to meet down to earth people. Everyone seems so fake and obsessed with their appearance. I keep blaming myself for not fitting in, but I can't always be the problem. I'm a true and loyal friend, but i know so few people like me...

LegacyUser

the king says get new friends....don't be drawn by a person's job or education.
it only partly defines them.

Join a club and get to meet people beyond your college cliche.

Mits

If want you say is true, it is obvious that they are not real friends. Yon need to dump them as they will do your spirit no good. I would rather be lonely than be surounded by people that are bad for me.

I think you need to be happy and confident with yourself. Then look for some real freinds. It is not easy but there are still good people out there.

Nehpets

Most people are fake and obsessed by stupid things

esperanza

Mits wrote:

If want you say is true, it is obvious that they are not real friends. Yon need to dump them as they will do your spirit no good. I would rather be lonely than be surounded by people that are bad for me.

I think you need to be happy and confident with yourself. Then look for some real freinds. It is not easy but there are still good people out there.

I am happy with myself, fortunately. But it's nice to be able to share that happiness (maybe I'm being too hippy here). I hate being "put in a box" by people. I hate conventions. Unfortunately, people get scared of you if they can't put you in a box!!

Ruu_Old

I know quite a few people like that and I don't associate with them anymore. You need to find other people to hang around with that appreciate you better. Best of luck.

esperanza

Ruu wrote:

I know quite a few people like that and I don't associate with them anymore. You need to find other people to hang around with that appreciate you better. Best of luck.

Please tell me how to find those people! I seem to be useless at making friends.

I don't want to dump these friends as such, as I need them for my career.

Ruu_Old

Well what do you do out of your career? What interests you?

esperanza

Ruu wrote:

Well what do you do out of your career? What interests you?

It sounds cold but I need these people to consult for my work. Even if I hate them! However, I plan to see them less now, as I realise they don't respect me enough.

stepbar

esperanza wrote:

Please tell me how to find those people! I seem to be useless at making friends.

I don't want to dump these friends as such, as I need them for my career.

i'm afraid unfortunatly your going to have to suck this one up. Just keep remembering to stroke their egos, best way to deal with it.

Mits

I don’t think your current friends are scared of you. People won’t be scared of unless you give them reason to be. From your post it sounds like they don’t care about you or your opinion.

Most people would describe themselves as hating convention as the alternative implies that you are boring.

Real friends listen to you and what to be in your company. I hope you find some. If you are unconventional, you should use it to your advantage and go and fulfil your dreams.

nobodythere

Well thankfully they're not your friends and only acquaintances.Besides you probably exhibit many of their qualities yourself to varying degrees. Do you find yourself being as shallow as them in their company? Maybe they feel the same way about you as you do about them.

Maybe you can't transcend the layer of superficiality because you're using these people, understandable? If you wanted to talk about less shallow things, you'd have opened up to them. I'm not saying it's wrong of you to use them, I'm just saying don't expect something personal out of a professional relationship. You need them, they need you. That's all there is.

Maybe try meeting people outside of the office? .... Screw the professionals?

Mits

My closest friends from more than 20 years are from school (primary, secondary but none from college). The rest of my friends share an interest or activities. It could be any activity eg scuba diving, cards, dogs, computers and kids.

I'm lucky I don't look for friends, I just try to suit myself and if someone wants to share and interest great if not I do it myself.

I don't make friends easy as I am fussy who I will spend my time with. But the friends I do have a in for the long hall.

esperanza

grasshopa wrote:

Well thankfully they're not your friends and only acquaintances.Besides you probably exhibit many of their qualities yourself to varying degrees. Do you find yourself being as shallow as them in their company? Maybe they feel the same way about you as you do about them.

Maybe you can't transcend the layer of superficiality because you're using these people, understandable? If you wanted to talk about less shallow things, you'd have opened up to them. I'm not saying it's wrong of you to use them, I'm just saying don't expect something personal out of a professional relationship. You need them, they need you. That's all there is.

Maybe try meeting people outside of the office? .... Screw the professionals?

Yes, perhaps I can be shallow at times, but to be honest I'm genuine at most times. They don't really need me as such, but I still get invited along, so I can't understand this either.
And by the way, they are not my colleagues, I don't work in an office (fortunately), but all my friends do seem to be top professionals who only care about their careers...

Sangre

You're using this group and you expect them to be embrace you in open arms and fully respect your opinions and ideas?

Get to know people you actually want to become friends with, with no other gains for yourself. You might find yourself opening up a bit, instead of always holding back, thinking about your 'professional link' to them.

Also, if this is a recurring trend, you might want to start looking inward a bit more (as you have hinted).

daiixi

esperanza wrote:

Yes, perhaps I can be shallow at times, but to be honest I'm genuine at most times. They don't really need me as such, but I still get invited along, so I can't understand this either.
And by the way, they are not my colleagues, I don't work in an office (fortunately), but all my friends do seem to be top professionals who only care about their careers...

How's your confidence? Perhaps you're a likeable person who they actually do like but you just don't have the confidence to assert yourself.
I know people like your "friends" but I don't really have much to do with them because we don't have a lot in common. That doesn't mean they're not genuine people, even though they're somewhat career obsessed.

nobodythere

esperanza wrote:

but all my friends do seem to be top professionals who only care about their careers...

Then why expect anything else from them? You call them friends but you don't like them and are only using them to further your career.

Find some real people damn it!

Sleepy

Have you ever thought about practising law in a different country, another aspect of law or even changing professions?

The legal profession in this country is little more than an old boys back slapping club packed to the gills with vain, pompous and generally dull people. The institutions in place (which imho are illegal themselves) for training our legal professionals help ensure that things stay this way. Unless the Kings Inns and Blackhall Place lose their monopolies in a radical overhaul of the Irish legal system, I don't see this happening.

I've friends (and ex-friends) that work in the legal profession and most of them seem to either suck it up and be nice to the twats for the good of their careers or they become like them. There are some areas of law that don't seem to attract quite the same degree of tards, from what I've seen the legal people working in NGO's seem to be nicer (though some of them would drive you to distraction with their naieveté).

My advice? Find a new job.

up for anything

Sorry, double post. I can't figure out how that happened.

up for anything

It strikes me that you are just like them. That phrase 'top professional' and professional keeps cropping up. What type of people do you mean when you say down to earth people... dustbin men, labourers, shop assistants? Who exactly are you a true and loyal friend to - the top professionals you are using as friends because of your work? People who come from wealthy or so called important families usually have an inner confidence (like the British upper class) which makes it difficult for people who don't have that inbred confidence to be around. It doesn't mean that they look down on you or find you worthless. That is your own lack of confidence in yourself speaking.

As for them being fake and obsessed with appearance... isn't everybody these days! Fake tan, fake hair, Brazilians etc. Maybe you should invest in an assertiveness course, it may be the key to sorting out your friend situation.

esperanza

Sleepy wrote:

Have you ever thought about practising law in a different country, another aspect of law or even changing professions?

The legal profession in this country is little more than an old boys back slapping club packed to the gills with vain, pompous and generally dull people. The institutions in place (which imho are illegal themselves) for training our legal professionals help ensure that things stay this way. Unless the Kings Inns and Blackhall Place lose their monopolies in a radical overhaul of the Irish legal system, I don't see this happening.

I've friends (and ex-friends) that work in the legal profession and most of them seem to either suck it up and be nice to the twats for the good of their careers or they become like them. There are some areas of law that don't seem to attract quite the same degree of tards, from what I've seen the legal people working in NGO's seem to be nicer (though some of them would drive you to distraction with their naieveté).

My advice? Find a new job.

Note, I don't practice law and I don't live in Ireland so I have no idea why you have just written this posting.

Darragh29

esperanza wrote:

As a professional, I find it difficult to meet down to earth people.

The above quote sounds to me like your own analysis of other people and their respective careers might be part of the problem. I'm a professional and am surrounded by good friends who I would describe as extremely down to earth people who I socialise with on a weekly basis.

Interestingly none of them work in a job similar to mine, so in that sense I am unique in that my job is different than my jobs my friends have, but this is not an issue. We enjoy each others company because of who we are, not because of what we do. You shouldn't be relying on your professional/work life to provide a social scene for you. My advice to you is to keep your time spent with your gang of elitest "friends" to an absolute minimum and take the time to widen your circle of friends, while at the same time opening your mind to the fact that your best friend could be doing any job or could even have no job at all!

Sangre

Sleep isn't too fond of said professsion.

Unfortunately esperanza, in any of these kind of professions e.g law, doctor, accountant, vet etc., it will take literally years to be qualified let alone successful, so its kind of hard not to become very career focused. Considering the effort and time needed to become one of theses, if often only those who really want to become a professional do, so they become quite job focused because they probably love it.
So yes, it can be quite tedious being on the outside, so I suggest you try and mix up your friends. Its often to easy to fall back and talk shop when with a group of simliar people.

Darragh29

Sangre wrote:

Sleep isn't too fond of said professsion.

Unfortunately esperanza, in any of these kind of professions e.g law, doctor, accountant, vet etc., it will take literally years to be qualified let alone successful, so its kind of hard not to become very career focused. Considering the effort and time needed to become one of theses, if often only those who really want to become a professional do, so they become quite job focused because they probably love it.
So yes, it can be quite tedious being on the outside, so I suggest you try and mix up your friends. Its often to easy to fall back and talk shop when with a group of simliar people.

When I'm out with my mates we talk about our jobs quite a lot, but nobody is looking down on anyone or anything like that. It sounds to me like she needs to keep her time with these saps to a minimum and get out a bit more and at the same time be open minded when she does meet people. Her quote above suggests to me that her friends have started to rub off on her a bit with her comment, "I'm a professional so I find it hard to meet down to earth people". This implies that there is a world of difference between professional people and "down to earth" people, which I find amazing as a point of view tbh.

Sangre

with that in mind I'd probably view the problem as his own.

shoegirl

I'm araid that you've placed yourself into a vicious circle. You've cultivated the company of people you don't like but you believe may help you with career aspirations etc. The problem is that if they are as shallow and self-obsessed as they sound, chances are there is no guarantee that they will actually help you. If you believe that your career successes really depend upon stroking the egos of people like them, rather than depending on your own achievements, then I'm afraid you're in trouble, mate.

I did the same thing at the beginning of my original career. I massaged egos, kept in with people who looking back were not only totally self centred and self interested, but eventually one day I went to an interview with one of them and she didn't even recognise my name on the cv until I actually turned up to the interview (she was 2 years ahead of me at college in a dept with about 40 peope in it - and she couldn't even remember what I looked like). After 7 years of sucking up to these assholes I realised for the first time that many of them don't notice you and won't remember you even if they do. It was the beginning of the end for me, as I changed careers less than 3 years later.

What I do suggest is that if you really do "need" these people (and i suspect that you don't really), then keep them close enough to respect you, but don't waste all your time on them. Give yourself at least one night a week to cultivate friends with whom you genuinely have things in common. I have found in the past that night classes and hobbies that aren't status symbols are good ways to meet people and you do make lasting friends.

You have to think also about what you need and want. Sometimes I find people in some ways are apparently very superficial but in other ways down to earth - and vice versa. Most of my better friends are not professionals - though one or two are. I don't see professionals as a status symbol myself (and neither, crucially do they) so its not an issue. My friends include decorators, hairdressers, factory workers, people on social welfare, security workers, all and ages and genders (and transgendered!) I spent 6 years in TCD myself and to be honest there was enough superficiality there to last me a lifetime. I certainly don't think I am special myself for having been there. I've a fairly ordinary job on a bit above average money, from a working class background, and I am happy with myself - which is what is important i think.

daiixi

esperanza wrote:

Note, I don't practice law and I don't live in Ireland so I have no idea why you have just written this posting.

I'm a little confused why you're asking (predominately) Irish people and people in Ireland for advise if you don't live in Ireland.

esperanza

daiixi wrote:

I'm a little confused why you're asking (predominately) Irish people and people in Ireland for advise if you don't live in Ireland.

In this context, it doesn't matter, as my friends are all from different places anyhow.

esperanza

shoegirl wrote:

If you believe that your career successes really depend upon stroking the egos of people like them, rather than depending on your own achievements, then I'm afraid you're in trouble, mate.

No, my career success does not depend on these at all. However, I may just need to consult these people from time to time for advice.


I don't want to or need to work in the legal profession. It's difficult to explain.
Thanks for the tips about the hobbies, you're right.

Miss Fluff

esperanza wrote:

These "friends" are all top legal professionals and think they know so much about everything. Even though, I also know a lot and show it, they seem uninterested in what I have to say most of the time. I get the impression I'm less 'important" than them, just because I wansn't "born" into a wealthy family. I get annoyed being looked down on and really don't know how to resolve this problem, or if it can be resolved.

What problem? The huge chip on your shoulder?

Why even refer to these people as friends? You have readily admitted that you use them to further career enhancement. You sound like you don't particularly like them. Use them as networking acquaintances whom you see periodically to keep you abreast of opportunities/developments and go and hang out with your actual friends if these individuals make you feel so bad about yourself.

I'm not sure what this post is about. Advice on finding friends or a rant about how these people annoy you/make you feel so inferior.

abetarrush

Seriously, ditch them!

I was bored with all my mates. Some fecked off with new Boy/Girlfriends, others just never come out

Now, I'm no Party animal, ok, i kinda am!, but I don't think goin out once every weekend is a lot, or is it?

Cos twas aparently so with them

Anyways, I ditched em, start hangin around with other mates more often, and its been great

I was always the one to text people first, but now i get text from other a lot more, and it feels good


So yeah, the conclusion: Ur "mates" are SAPS, get new ones! Ye can come party with me if ye like

W00t

Delilah

abetarrush wrote:

Seriously, ditch them!

I was bored with all my mates. Some fecked off with new Boy/Girlfriends, others just never come out

Now, I'm no Party animal, ok, i kinda am!, but I don't think goin out once every weekend is a lot, or is it?

Cos twas aparently so with them

Anyways, I ditched em, start hangin around with other mates more often, and its been great

I was always the one to text people first, but now i get text from other a lot more, and it feels good


So yeah, the conclusion: Ur "mates" are SAPS, get new ones! Ye can come party with me if ye like

W00t

right! and if you've dumped them don't recycle them. them being gone isn't your loss. bear that in mind.:cool: