Dunno what to do :-(

Seoige

Ok, here I go!! I'm so sure there are a million and one threads like this one, but since no one persons problem is exactly the same I'll fire on anyway and any insight would be really helpful.

I feel like I have a problem with my relationships. Sounds like a big one but I'll just explain where I'm coming from. I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 years. Everything is great most of the time but if ever I have an issue its usually around jealousy. Now I know this is not uncommon but it is an issue that really bothers me, and what bothers me about it is that I know I'm being entirely irrational.

While I have been able to control this green eyed monster somewhat, it still raises its head every now and again and I find it really distressing. I've found what works is keeping busy, for example, if my boyfriend is out with friends I might organise to head out seperately with my own friends, this work fine, I don't have time to think ridiculous thoughts, and enjoy myself. But if I am at home, taking an evening out to relax by myself, the free time seems to feed my anxieties and I get worried. The thing is that I know deep down that my boyfriend would never do anything to hurt me but the little voice inside my head (not an actual real voice!!) nags away at me and won't let me trust. I even get nervous if I do know for example if he's going away with friends for a weekend or something, I get worried about how I'll feel while he's away.

I have spoken to him a bit about this, it really came to a head about a year and a half ago, I was going through a tough few months, since then I've become alot more secure but I do still get anxious and I really don't like telling him because its MY issue and not his as in he really isnt doing anything wrong!!!!

Anyway, I've thought alot about this and I realised that most of my close relationships from when I was very young have had an element of jealousy surrounding them. Like the best friend I had in primary school I used to get really jealous if she invited anyone else around to her house without me!!!!! It was a similar situation with my best friend in secondary school. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't bullying people into only having me as a friend!!! I had ,and still have, a tendancy to feel things inside but desperately try not to let anyone else see because I know what I'm feeling isn't right, I'm not making any excuses for myself.

Thats my worry, why do I feel like I feel even when I know that the person I'm closest too isnt going to leave me and run. I dont want this to keep being a problem for me, I really really want to be able to relax and just enjoy the beautiful relationship I have but I just don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of things people go to see someone like a councellor about...I'd be afraid it's too petty!!

I've probably rambled on but even writing it down helps to clear out my head.

Any opinions would be much appriciated.

Seoige x

Caryatnid

What about counselling? I think it's really good that you know you are being irrational, and try not to blame it on your boyf.

A relationship I was in before was destroyed by the other person being completely unbelievably jealous, and was really horrible and mean about it. I did nothing to deserve this. He just couldn't deal with me speaking to any males, which was ridiculous. At the time, I wished he had gone to counselling, because I couldn't fix anything (I had lessened contact with good friends much much more than I should have already), and he was being crazy. I know counselling still seems a bit extreme in Ireland, but if you really have had issues like this your whole life, and if you really do know your bf is being well behaved etc, and it looks like you can't sort it yourself......that's what I'd recommend. Good luck.

Seoige

Yeh councelling is something I've considered before...just seems a bit over the top!!....just in case you were wondering I'm not mean about it or anything, its more just that it makes me feel sort of physically sick and upset(maybe because I rarely talk about it, I feel embarassed to admit it to people because they'd thing I'm a crazy clingy girlfiend !!)

Caryatnid

Yeah, I got that from your post. It's defo to your credit that you try to not burden anyone with this. But the problem with keeping it to yourself, is that you're unlikely to 'fix' it - I mean, you've lived like this for aaaages now, right?
Why not try one counselling session? It's not that unusual to go for counselling. It may be just what you need.
Maybe you need someone to listen, and tell you it's alright, and help you see why it is that you are like that.
Or maybe you need someone to listen, and tell you that you're being completely irrational, cop on, and get over it!!!

cluborange86

hey i also think that councelling is a good option. there must be a reason why you feel like this, maybe you were betrayed by someone you trusted be4. now im not gonna ask any questions about your personal life but can you think of
anything that might be causing you to have hang ups like this?

i only realised recently why i couldnt admit why i loved my gf and its really clear why now but before i didnt know why i couldnt just come to terms with it.

anyway i hope this helps

kikilove

hey-

I'm living between ny and dublin, and of course you probably already know everyone in ny is in counseling, and its just kind of an everyday thing.

so give it a try and if you do not like it- you tried. but find a person you like- also you might want to think about what gender would be most productive for you to relate to.

best- hillevi

Black Swan

Seoige wrote:

its MY issue and not his as in he really isnt doing anything wrong!!!!

I dont want this to keep being a problem for me, I really really want to be able to relax and just enjoy the beautiful relationship I have but I just don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of things people go to see someone like a councellor about...I'd be afraid it's too petty!!

If this truly bothers you and may affect your relationship, then perhaps having a chat with a counsellor would be a good idea?

jesus_thats_gre

Stop allowing it to bother you..

Hendrixcat

Some behavioural therapy could do wonders for your relationship. In my experience it is very easy going and there is no delving into your past to find the root of your problem just advice on how to alter your behavior and act a little more rationally.

Don't let this thing torment you. Life is too short and a good partner in life too hard to find. If you know that you have nothing to worry about regarding his fidelity then take a deep breath, push the thoughts from your mind and what ever you do, do not obsess about them. This can lead to all manner of irrational thoughts and a lot of misery. It's tough to achieve this if you have established a thought pattern that you fall into easily, but with some effort you will find that you can re-train your natural reactions to unsettling thoughts.

Seoige

Thanks for all the advice :-) Maybe finding someone to have a chat with would be good. The behavioural side sounds interesting, I really don't wanto to go a psychoanalytoc route of digging through the past, don't think there's much there anyway. Always thought the elastic band trick might work quite well...every time I start thinking negatively I could just flick myself with it!!! Thanks again for not calling me crazy!! :-)

Trinity

Hey there

Being jealous is a very upsetting feeling, i used to be extremely jealous and paranoid. I used to make myself sick with worry too.

It really was my own insecurities though and unless you work through them you will always be jealous. I'm not as bad now but i do get the odd twinge but in saying that i never worked on it i only ignored it and stopped myself getting in too deep with people.

I know where mine stems from and there usually is a trigger of some sort that you may not even remember but its left a mark deep in the back of your mind.

Counselling may not be a bad idea.

LundiMardi

jesus_thats_gre wrote:

Stop allowing it to bother you..

jesus thats gre advice there