Wanting to get pregnant - but terrified!?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I post here a bit but want to go unreg for this. I'm looking for a bit of advice, the scenario is this, my husband and I are married 1 and a half years and are in our ealy thirtys. So we figured we'd better get our skates on if we want to try to have children (we'd discussed this issue and while neither of us feels extremely in a hurry with this we figured it was something we might regret if we didn't do).

So, I go off the pill (which I'd been on for ooohh about 10 years), we're both a bit nervous about thso we actually hadn't hadn't done the wild thing for a few weeks after I went off it, anyway we 'give it a go' . . . all is going well and we're enjoying the loving experience - but then I start to get all these images in my head of babies, maternity dresses, buggies, hospitals, morning sickness etc. etc. . . . so I have to stop coz I'm just not enjoying it - the fact is I'm suddenly terrified of being pregnant!

All v. disappointing for us both. I really love my husband and I don't want this to be an issue which damages. I suppose I'm not great with change in general and taking risks. Help!!!

What do you guys think? Should we reconsider our plans or is this something which is natural??? Am I a freak of nature - do all women just embrace this? If so HOW??

Esel

If you're not ready, you're not ready.

BC

Are you sure you want children? It sounds like you just feel like its what you are supposed to do because you are married. Bringing a child into the world is a major commitment. Don't do it unless you are sure!

LegacyUser

The thing is, we did talk about it and I did think about it - I tried to think of every eventuality - of what it would feel like, how it would change our lives, how things could go according to plan or not, how it would affect our relationship, and so on. After all of that I thought 'ok, let's go for it'. BUT when it actually comes to the crunch I get this scary feeling that there are just too many 'unknowables' (I am a bit of a worrier . . . well, a major worrier), too many things that might happen with pregnancy/childbirth/babies/new human life/relationships, that can't be planned for, iykwim?

It's just that I think it is in a way easier if you have a pregnancy which is not planned, I don't mean to offend anybody who has experienced this I know it may still be scary and quite a shock - but at least all of this fretting is done after the deed and you just have to deal with the situation. In other words the decision has been taken out of your hands and then you just get on with it.

How do people know all of this (ie. the amount of unknowable stuff) and STILL go ahead and make a conscious decision to have a baby??? Maybe I'm just a wuss?? Or just lacking some kind of maternal driving force?? Is it possible to think about it TOO much instead of just blindly doing it and seeing what happens??

Faith

If neither of you are in a hurry, then don't rush it. Perhaps just stop using contraception and if you get pregnant, great, so be it! But if you don't feel ready, then don't put pressure on yourself by having sex solely with the intent of getting pregnant.

LegacyUser

Yeah, that was the plan, the thing is though now everytime we have sex I have this 'I could be getting impregnated OMG' thought running through my head and it won't stop!

I don't know about you guys but when I was a teenager I had a long-term boyfriend and my parents were always warning me not to 'do anything stupid' 'be very careful' etc. etc. we weren't even having sex at the time. But I find it hard to switch from that mentality, to the adult mentality of baby making.

Love2love

I agree with Faith, don't have sex to get pregnant. It takes all the fun out of it. The fact is that its NEVER the right time to have a baby. There will always be something in your life that makes it unsuitable. Finance, Careers ect. I didn't want to have any until I was at least 30 and here I am 24 and due a little one in 3 weeks time! I admit it scare the crap out of me at first but now I cannot wait to see MY baby!

LegacyUser

Could you speak to a doctor or public health nurse about some of your worries? Might help you put your mind at ease a bit.

LegacyUser

I agree that if youre not ready then youre not ready. Ill give it to you from an unplanned pregnancys point of view - it being my own experience and a personal one.

My self and the Mr had just moved into out tiny new house and were feeling very pleased that our weekends were freed from schlepping from viewing to viewing. We bought one of the old council houses in Doneycarney with a sitting room and a galley kitchen downstairs. We were thinking of extending in maybe a year or two as we had hardly a stick of furniture to our names and needed to sort that out first.

Fast foward 2 weeks and Im taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom. I just thought about how the hell could i get so fat and giving birth - I couldnt even watch the programmes on discovery health. There were many other questions obviously.

At my first visit to the Rotunda I started bawling crying because I was so terrified of verything to come. There are councellors there to help you work through it = although my mother just told me to cop onto myself - but she was never one for tea and sympathy!

But just to ease your fears on that front, you dont even notice youre getting heavy as its so gradual. In fact the most annoying thing is that everyone seems to be moving faster than you. From six months on I seemed to be continually saying "wait for me" and by the time I was 9 months I didnt think it was funny anymore and used to shout like a fishwife at himself on the street to wait up for me.

The birth was an eye (watering) opener but nothing that you wont get through and start thnking about having the next one .....about a week after!

Do you have any friends who have had kids? There are a ton of very funny blogs to read as well. www.rollercoaster.ie has alot of ino about all aspects of ttc and pregnancy and even thinking about it.
There are sites with ovulation trackers so you will know more or less when to and not to...but enjoying yourself is the main thing I think.

I cant say I wouldnt have felt the same as you if we hadnt had our best accident ever....I think its only natrual and obviously you are thinking about all the work involved and thats a good thing. To be blase about the whole thing would be downright stupid.

Anyhoo, good luck!

Macker

but then I start to get all these images in my head of babies, maternity dresses, buggies, hospitals, morning sickness etc. etc

But then you give birth and even the smell of the little feckers head makes it all worth while ,and I'm a big butch bloke

Talliesin

How about thinking about the voluptuous curves and the second-trimester hormonal effects which may well have you and your partner jumping on each other at every opportunity?

Pregnancy in itself can be an erotic thing. Unfortunately it seems to largely only be those outside of the mainstream in our society in regards to sexuality who look at that - and hence most of the exploration of it is coloured heavily by whatever it is that puts them outside of the mainstream, and hence what they have to say may not talk to you at all.

However, an awful lot of whatever any of us find sexy tends to come back to fertility and the possibility of pregnancy - even in those times when we are conciously working hard to avoid one - so if there is something in the possibility of pregnancy itself (and pregnancy, not the baby at the end of it) that you find erotic yourself, then focus on that a bit.

embee

Hiya FeelingOdd,

First of all, best of luck in TTC.

I have a baby myself, but my pregnancy wasn't planned. That said, once I found out I was pregnant, I had all the same worries.. I worried I'd lose the baby. I worried that I'd have the baby and it would be sick. I worried that I wouldn't be able to look after the baby... Pregnancy is a naturally worrysome time so it is perfectly normal to be anxious about the idea.

One thing though - you mentioned that when you and your husband have sex, you start worrying that "OMG I might be getting impregnated".... try to think of it in a different light, perhaps thinking "Tonight is the night where we make our baby" etc. Your approach to conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood is absolutely key.

When it comes to conception, try not to worry about the maybes (I know its easy for me to say that - I never had to "worry" about conception as it was an unplanned pregnancy). If and when you do conceive, no matter how worried you are, you will be SO excited (once you get past the anxiety). I was SO excited in early pregancy, SO impatient for my wee one to be born. When it comes to pregnancy, yes, it can be a worrying time, and it is VERY easy to over-analyze every single symptom, every niggling pain, every weird craving, but there is SO much information out there (from doctors, other parents, the internet, books) and information (to a sensible extent) is power. I wouldn't suggest reading every single baby book out there though - I'd pick one and stick with it. Pregnancy fears are okay though - every time you have a check up with your doctor or at the hospital, you'll get reassurance. I remember when I used to be going to my ante-natal check ups in the hospital, I would be rigid with terror thinking they'd find something wrong with my baby, but it is such a WONDERFUL thing to hear your babys heartbeat through a Doppler, to see your baby in ultrasound, to feel those little kicks (which quickly turn into massive kicks, punches, somersaults!) There are even little machines you can buy in baby shops that you can use to listen to your baby at home - and it has two pairs of headphones, one for Mammy, one for Daddy.

Childbirth was probably the thing I was most scared of, though I never let on, but I can honestly tell you this - the reality of childbirth (for me anyway) is that it was NOWHERE near as bad as I had built it up in my head. Honestly. Labour pain hurts, don't get me wrong, but it is pain with a positive purpose - the only positive pain you'll probably ever have in your life. Again, there are plenty of things you can do to make labour and delivery easier on yourself - there is a plethora of drugs available, pregnancy yoga classes can make you more supple (and aid in childbirth), there are all sorts of little things... positions to labour in. Personally, I found walking around when I was in labour was the thing that helped me. Actually, thinking back, I don't actually remember fully what the pain was like. I just know that it hurt a lot, but I can't even remember the pain, if you know what I mean. That seems to be common amongst a lot of women - if that didn't happen, everyone on the planet would be an only child!

The one thing to remember about pregnancy is that it is a tiny, short fleeting period in your life.. I look back now and I feel like it lasted about 3 weeks. Parenthood is for the rest of your life, pregnancy a mere 9 months. Parenthood so far has been brilliant - sure, there are worries, concerns, twenty milion questions, but again, there are all sorts of resources out there to help first time parents become accustomed to the job. Also - no parent is perfect. Accept that, as wonderful a parent as I'm sure you will be, you will make mistakes, but as long as your baby is fed, warm, safe and loved, life with your baby will be wonderful. Babies grow so fast and you should try to treasure the time you have with your tiny little baby (they do not stay tiny for very long!) instead of worrying about what you're doing. Believe me, if a baby isn't happy, they let you know, and you will become atune to your baby, and learn what they mean when they do different cries, coo's, hand gestures etc. You don't want to look back on the first few years of your babies life and realised you were consumed with worry to the point where you couldn't fully enjoy it.

The Sweeper

OP sounds like me.

(Himself: OP is not me.)

The desire to have a child is your body clock ticking. The feeling that you may regret it in the future if you don't do it now is the truth of modern life (your chances of conceiving naturally drop dramatically the further into your thirties you get). The 'honeymoon' baby making period between you and your husband is a wonderful sense of renewing your commitment to each other.

The massive dose of heebie jeebies regarding maternity wear, morning sickness (had the breast feeding one yet? "Job description soon to change"? No? You will) and all other aspects is basically reality sticking its head in to your baby-dreams.

There is never a good time to have children.

There are always good excuses to not have children.

Your life will definitely change after you have children.

The first thing you need to do is accept that you and your relationship are ready for change, and if not quite ready (never ready!?) then at least willing and able for change.

You can't let pregnancy hang over you like a root canal - "I know I have to visit the dentist some time, and it's getting more and more urgent, but just not today".

elexes

i think your getting ahead of urself with all your thoughts .. chill you will have plenty of time to think about baby cloths and dress's in the future . while your trying to get pregnant just think of the fun you should be having .. if needs be get drunk or whatever usually put u in the mood back in the day where the 2 of ya couldnt keep your hands off eachother

gl and hf

Delilah

it would help if you seek professional counselling. your worries will be eradicated.

Victor

A few things.

Perhaps talk over with your mother about the concept of having children. Its possible that positive words from your mother might help get over the mental block

Do any of your friends have a newborn or even a slightly older baby? Try to spend some time with them. Having a baby go to sleep in your arms is just about the best feeling in the world. I just wish they wouldn't mistake my nipples for their mother's.

LegacyUser

FeelingOdd wrote:

The thing is, we did talk about it and I did think about it - I tried to think of every eventuality - of what it would feel like, how it would change our lives, how things could go according to plan or not, how it would affect our relationship, and so on. After all of that I thought 'ok, let's go for it'. BUT when it actually comes to the crunch I get this scary feeling that there are just too many 'unknowables' (I am a bit of a worrier . . . well, a major worrier), too many things that might happen with pregnancy/childbirth/babies/new human life/relationships, that can't be planned for, iykwim?

It's just that I think it is in a way easier if you have a pregnancy which is not planned, I don't mean to offend anybody who has experienced this I know it may still be scary and quite a shock - but at least all of this fretting is done after the deed and you just have to deal with the situation. In other words the decision has been taken out of your hands and then you just get on with it.

How do people know all of this (ie. the amount of unknowable stuff) and STILL go ahead and make a conscious decision to have a baby??? Maybe I'm just a wuss?? Or just lacking some kind of maternal driving force?? Is it possible to think about it TOO much instead of just blindly doing it and seeing what happens??

I had an unplanned pregnancy, everything worked out great, thank god. Our daughter is nearly two now and we were thinking about another baby, I came off the pill and like yourself I panicked. I just can't do it. I am a big wuss.
I think it would be great to have another child, the love I have for my little girl is undescribable and I'd love to have that for another little baby. BUT I just can't seem to go through with it. Panic sets in about 9 months of pregnancy, getting fat and depressed, 3 months of constant night wakings.
Don't think I'd have ever had a baby only we were caught out and had to get on with it, but she is the best thing that has ever happened me.

Victor

Whats this about "fat"? People who are pregnant are not fat.

Talliesin

That's true Victor, though weight-gain above that is common (sometimes with health implications) and feeling fat more common still.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I'm kind of split on what advice to give you...

On one hand I don't think anyone is ever prepared for what parenting involves & I don't know of any other parents who didn't have some kind (or many!) reserves about becoming one. I know we didn't feel ready for it - still don't some days & we now have the two, lol!

On the other hand, it changes your like irrevocably & the responsibility is enormous - much more than we expected. You really have to think through if being a parent is what you really want right now.

Maybe stop actively trying for a baby just now until you get over whatever fear is surfacing & until you have discussed all these issues with your husband. best of luck!

LegacyUser

FeelingOdd - I'm afraid that you are guilty of over thinking. Most of the difficult stuff relating to preganancy, childbirth and babies are temporary. Pregnancy is 9 months, childbirths takes 24hrs (max) and crying babies are generally settled by 6 mths. Worry is a major part of parenting but you have to put it to the back of your mind or else you'll ruin it for yourself.
I would have been a major worrier of every situation but the desire to have a baby drowned out all the other factors. I worked myself up to a tizzy about miscarriage, childbirth pains, downs syndrome etc I talked these through with my GP who gave me the facts, statistics and pain relief options. I also discussed these with my husband and he was really understanding and helped me to let go of my control freakishness.
Having children does change your relationship, some of the time it will add stress, most of the time it will enrich it. There will be arguements about who does what but talk to your husband now about your worries are. It is hard to let go of the worries but talking definitely helps.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

embee wrote:

One thing though - you mentioned that when you and your husband have sex, you start worrying that "OMG I might be getting impregnated".... try to think of it in a different light, perhaps thinking "Tonight is the night where we make our baby" etc. Your approach to conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood is absolutely key.

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

The 'honeymoon' baby making period between you and your husband is a wonderful sense of renewing your commitment to each other.

I think that this is definitely part of the problem - In my mind am not connecting the baby with enriching our relationship. Actually to be honest I'm connecting having a baby with bringing complications into our lives?! It was lovely to read some of the posts which emphasise the beauty (and almost spiritual aspect) of child bearing/rearing. The honesty in the posts was reassuring also

I don't have any close relations or friends with babies so I'm trying to imagine what it must be like. When I see kids going beserk in the shops I think, my god, why would you want bring that upon yourself!? But I do realise that it's not all about that.

Talliesin, I have to say I've never thought of pregnancy as erotic! That's very interesting and does kinda make sense. But, without being to 'cosmic' about it I do feel that the demands and lifestyle of the modern world have in a way caused an alienation of the mind from the body, if that makes sense.

I think with the childbirth thing, I don't know whether it is so much about the pain, but I have this idea that your body is out of your own control (so to speak) that, and the thoughts of crowds of medics poking around the nether regions!

LegacyUser

yup - many a probably good idea of mine has been discarded beause I over analysed it.

The possibility of having a Downs Syndrome or in some other way challenged child is a worry, I spoke to my husband about this and he said that he doesn't think he would be able to handle it if we had a child with this type of problem. I would've thought that you would have to cope the best you could - his reaction did surprise me.

But I suppose you don't know how you would (or wouldn't) cope unless it really happened to you.

Nevyn

FeelingOdd wrote:

I think that this is definitely part of the problem - In my mind am not connecting the baby with enriching our relationship. Actually to be honest I'm connecting having a baby with bringing complications into our lives?! It was lovely to read some of the posts which emphasise the beauty (and almost spiritual aspect) of child bearing/rearing. The honesty in the posts was reassuring also

I don't have any close relations or friends with babies so I'm trying to imagine what it must be like. When I see kids going beserk in the shops I think, my god, why would you want bring that upon yourself!? But I do realise that it's not all about that.

Welcome to modren Ireland.
Families are smaller and fewer people are having children so less and less people have children in thier lives or contact with children.

Yes children complicate your life so does a puppy so does a sick relative.
Anyon who is dependant on you for things is a complication in your life.
Yes having a child is a big comietment bigger in many ways then that to your partner as you both become responsible for another person for at least 18 years of thier life and have to teach them all they need to know about the world and the skills to survive in it.

If you want good well mannered children then show them good well mannered behaviour.
There are many parenting guides out there to help you along your way.

FeelingOdd wrote:

I think with the childbirth thing, I don't know whether it is so much about the pain, but I have this idea that your body is out of your own control (so to speak) that, and the thoughts of crowds of medics poking around the nether regions!

There are not crowds of people looking at you there is usually two, and they are more concerned about your health and the child then looking at the size of your clit or how hairy you might be down there.

Giving birth is a natural process and you can be very much in control of it.
As for all the changes that your body will undergo while you are pregnanat
I would recamend you get a book and do some reading so you know what to expect.
I found the Your Pregnancy: Every Woman's Guide to be good as it does through the expected changes.

Look do your research and make your choices an in the mean time consider using contraception again until you are sure this is really what you want.

LegacyUser

Well ... do U want children or not ?
U can't make the omlette without breaking the egg.

Why not get some councelling around the issue.

U'll be fine. The female of all species has been doing
this job for a very long time.

Lust4Life

Posted by Macker
But then you give birth and even the smell of the little feckers head makes it all worth while ,and I'm a big butch bloke

Well said!
Me, I sad no for years!
Then we had an "Oops" and I had extremely mixed feelings about it, although hubby was dancing on clouds!
Then I had a miscarriage 4 months into it (Which was awful because they say once you pass 3 months there's less risk).
Well, after living through that, my feelings changed considerably, and we planned for the little guy we now have.

And yes, you have fears all the way through it. There are no cut and dry answers. But once you see that silly little face, they capture your heart like no one else in the world can.

Babies are amazing!

But... you really need patience. And yes, it does change your relationship a lot. If your hubby is willing to share the midnight feedings and nappy changes, things will go much easier.

No one is ever really ready to have children. We just guess at it, give them as much love as we can and hope they grow up to be productive members of society.

If it's too overwhelming, then hold off until you are more relaxed about all of it.

Talliesin

FeelingOdd wrote:

Talliesin, I have to say I've never thought of pregnancy as erotic! That's very interesting and does kinda make sense. But, without being to 'cosmic' about it I do feel that the demands and lifestyle of the modern world have in a way caused an alienation of the mind from the body, if that makes sense.

I get what you mean, though I think it's probably more to do with myths around sex and pregnancy (some people still think you can't have sex during a pregnancy), body images along the lines of smaller == better and the fact that most explorations of the eroticism of pregnancy go all the way into fetishising it.

However, musing about the wider societal views aside, you say it "does kinda make sense" to you. If you can find something in what there is to it that makes sense to you, then that might help mentally getting over the mental blocks you've described.

embee

FeelingOdd wrote:

I think with the childbirth thing, I don't know whether it is so much about the pain, but I have this idea that your body is out of your own control (so to speak) that, and the thoughts of crowds of medics poking around the nether regions!

OP, this is so not the case at ALL.

You are in control of your body. Sure,your baby is dictating to you that its coming, but you are the one doing the pushing. And as for crowds of people in the room with you - I had two, a midwife and a student midwife, who were really only in the room with me to do a few checks on blood pressure, drip, dilation etc... It was just me and my partner for a lot of it.

FeelingOdd wrote:

I think that this is definitely part of the problem - In my mind am not connecting the baby with enriching our relationship. Actually to be honest I'm connecting having a baby with bringing complications into our lives?!

You are right when you connect a baby with bringing complications into your life. They absolutely do, but very few complications in this life are insurmountable. I know you say that you aren't connecting having a child as "enriching" your relationship, but to be honest, I only felt the "enriching" once our baby was born.. I didn't get a sense of that so much when I was pregnant. I did a lot of worrying about how bringing a child into the mix would affect the relationship, but you honestly won't know until the child is there.

Good luck anyways in whatever you decide to do.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that embee, this discussion has helped me a lot, but tbh I am still grappling with the issue.

I've got to the stage where I've stopped focusing on the fears and I'm trying to figure out exactly what is causing the fear - in other words that the fears are a symptom of a different problem ie. body issues, trust issues . . .

. . . in the meantime we haven't had sex in 6 weeks because of this!?

I wish I was the type who sees cute babies in a pampers ad or something and flutters eyelashes at hubby expectantly (pardon pun).

I Shot J.R.

Well by jickers woman don't be ruining the sex with thoughts of baby making, I remember an episode of Cheers years ago when Sam couldn't have sex with Rebecca because she kept saying baby during it! (That was way back when Kirsty Alley was young and sexy and before Zig and Zag said "Hey did you twig Ted Dansons wig!") I don't think I know of anyone who has had a planned baby but any of my friends that have unplanned babies, it's the best thing in their lives. To cut a long story short, stop worrying, and if your other half gets home before you, meet him at the door dressed as a nurse/air hostess/teacher and bring him straight to the candlelit bedroom and see what happens.

Dave!

It sounds to me like you're just nervous, tbh! It's a wierd concept, that you'll be carrying a human being around in your belly for the next 9 months, so it's understandable that you get freaked out. But I'd say once you actually get pregnant and the baby starts kicking and stuff, then you'll appreciate what a wonderful thing it is
Obviously if you don't feel you're not financially or emotionally ready to take care of a life, then don't do it, but if it's just a case of being nervous, then I'd say jump in.

Just what I think...

I Shot J.R.

DaveMcG wrote:

then don't do it

Dave you fooker, how could you tell a woman to deny her man sex! As you can see I quoted you as saying to not have sex with her other half! Christ with my Editing I probably have a good shot at getting a job in Michael Moores next film! Think I've already given all my thoughts with this line so I'll just finish off and say I hope it all goes well for FeelingOdd and that when her grandkids go googling they'll turn around and say "Granny, was that you saying that about kids?":D

Dave!

I'm thinkin bout the long run mate; if they have kids, how often do you think they'll be havin sex THEN?!

Always think ahead buddy!

I Shot J.R.

I could go on for weeks having a laugh and buzzing with DaveMcG but if I was to say anything now I'm sure I'd offend somebody. I'm defo leaving this thread now because I wouldn't want to make a joke about something so serious. FeelingOdd, it'll all come together some day, I believe in the big books they call it Maternal Instinct.