Cheated on my gf

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 10:12pm #1

Just really need to get this off of my chest. Last night I cheated on my girlfriend of 1 year. Was in a club in town with 1 of my friends and he got talking to this girl, and then the girls friend started talking to me. I was bored so naturally I talked back thinking nothing of it. I wasn't chatting her up at all. The night continued on and we all had too much to drink. Next thing I knew I was in a taxi back to the other girls apartment with the 3 of them. There was nowhere for us to sleep (me and girls friend) so we just crashed on the sofa and before I knew it we were kissing, and eventually having sex. I've never done anything like this in my life to a girlfriend. It's eating me up inside because I care about her so much and don't want to lose her.

Because of the when/where/who it happened with, theres zero chance of her finding out unless I tell her, but I know if I do it will hurt her so much and the relationship will be over. I can honestly say I would never ever do anything like that again to any girlfriend of mine because of the guilty feeling so ideally I would like to keep it from her but its just been eating me up inside all day. Does this get better with time? Anyone have any advice? I would appreciate it thank you.

chamlis · 24-09-2006 10:15pm

What she doesn't know won't hurt her, and if you're looking to ease your guilty conscience you'll end up hurting her.
So don't. Chalk it down to experience, thank your lucky stars and move on. Give money to charity or something.

daiixi · 24-09-2006 10:16pm

If I asked you last Wednesday if you would ever cheat on your girlfriend would your response have been "I would never ever do anything like that to any girlfriend of mine"?
You cheated and at any stage you could have stopped it but you didn't. Your girlfriend deserves to know and if it's eating you up so much then she'll figure out that something is wrong. Be a man and admit your mistake. At the very least doesn't she deserve to make an informed choice about your future together?

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 10:19pm

daiixi wrote:

If I asked you last Wednesday if you would ever cheat on your girlfriend would your response have been "I would never ever do anything like that to any girlfriend of mine"?
You cheated and at any stage you could have stopped it but you didn't.

Ok I would probably have said that last Wednesday but there would have been doubt in my answer. Now because I know what it feels like I can honestly say it will never happen again and mean it.

ircoha · 24-09-2006 10:28pm

having sex

Protected or otherwise?

daiixi · 24-09-2006 10:35pm

Mark20000 wrote:

Ok I would probably have said that last Wednesday but there would have been doubt in my answer. Now because I know what it feels like I can honestly say it will never happen again and mean it.

There would have been doubt in your answer? Whether you want to tell your girlfriend what you did or not I think you should let her out of this relationship now. She deserves to be with someone who could always say and mean that they'd never cheat on her and actually not cheat on her. Please show the girl some respect.

Ruu_Old · 24-09-2006 10:35pm

Put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes. Would you like to be told? I would guess probably so. Be honest with her, you made a mistake and just hope she can understand it.

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 10:36pm

ircoha wrote:

Protected or otherwise?

Yes.

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 10:38pm

Ruu wrote:

Put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes. Would you like to be told? I would guess probably so.

No, if she only did it once and was never gonna do it again I would rather not know to be honest.

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 10:40pm

daiixi wrote:

Please show the girl some respect.

How exactly is really hurting her showing her respect? You don't know her, something like this would destroy her.

tinkerbell · 24-09-2006 10:46pm

Mark20000 wrote:

How exactly is really hurting her showing her respect? You don't know her, something like this would destroy her.

If something like this would destroy her, then you shouldn't have gone spreading your love somewhere else then, should you? You should really be ashamed of yourself, you say you "care about her so much", yet you show it by sleeping with some randomer that you met on a night out?

I don't care how drunk you got, you should never have gotten yourself into that situation in the first place. You should tell the truth because she really deserves someone better than that. Let her make her own decision on whether she wants to continue the relationship, although seriously, she'll probably dump you (and for the right reason too).

Trinity · 24-09-2006 10:47pm

Mark20000 wrote:

How exactly is really hurting her showing her respect? You don't know her, something like this would destroy her.

But it was you that did it.

I would love to be able to say forget it it happens it will go away but i strongly believe that these things have a way of catching up with you eventually.

I know some of the lads will disagree. You were drunk ok, but you still were of sound enough mind to use protection, put a condom on.

What do you want to do? If she doesnt find out and you dont tell her who is to say that the next time you are drunk it wont happen again cos although you have a guilty conscience now, you will still get away with it.

so ok the other side of the coin is she might not know but you do. can you live with that?

You may well lose her, but that is the chance you took when you slept with someone else. Then again she may love you enough in time to forgive you.

I guess if you see any future with her you should tell her. You start as you mean to go on in relationships and lies and betrayal will catch up with you.

Only you can make the decision at the end of the day. What doesnt break you will make you stronger.

Zillah · 24-09-2006 10:47pm

Pointless idealism pisses me off.

He seems to genuinely believe he will never do this again. The sex was safe and he realises how stupid and pointless it was. The only thing that can result from him telling her is ruining a relationship that could very well work out in the long run.

"Show her respect..." Pff. He messed up, it doesn't mean he doesn't respect her. If anything I think this experience has taught him more respect for her and what she means to him. No, he shouldn't have done it, and no, telling her achieves nothing for anyone.

If my partner cheated on me because they were drunk and stupid, and it was safe and they had resolved themselves to never do anything like that again, theres no way in hell I'd like to know.

Find a way to resolve this in your own mind and get on with making everyday with her count. If you want to absolve your conscience, go get an STD check just to be extra sure. Once you're sure its all behind you get on with your life.

Ruu_Old · 24-09-2006 10:50pm

Mark20000 wrote:

How exactly is really hurting her showing her respect? You don't know her, something like this would destroy her.

How can you guarantee that she won't find out from another source? She would be more destroyed if she found out that way instead of you being truthful in your relationship.

24-09-2006 10:53pm

Tough one.
It's cutting you up,we all make mistakes.The person who never made a mistake never made anything.It's learning from the mistakes is the key.

While what you did was wrong,very wrong given you love your partner,Only you know whether its best to tell her.
It sounds like it isnt.

Zillah · 24-09-2006 10:53pm

Ruu wrote:

How can you guarantee that she won't find out from another source? She would be more destroyed if she found out that way instead of you being truthful in your relationship.

We don't understand the technicalities of the situation. You may as well take it at face value when he says theres no way she could find out unless he told her.

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 10:58pm

Zillah wrote:

We don't understand the technicalities of the situation. You may as well take it at face value when he says theres no way she could find out unless he told her.

Well it's very unlikely. 99% or so. Thanks for the replies so far lads, I'm listening to all of them. Glad some people are seeing both sides of the coin.

Ruu_Old · 24-09-2006 11:01pm

Don't get me wrong, I can see where you are coming from. I understand you made the mistake and you know it too and at the end of the day, the decision is yours. All we can do is offer our opinions and what we would do. Good luck and hope it works out anyway.

Trinity · 24-09-2006 11:04pm

In answer to your actual question does it get better in time - yes probably.

you wont feel as guilty in time, it wont be taking up your every thought but it will always be there. Something will happen and your heart will skip a beat wondering is she gonna find out.

These things can and do sometimes come out you know - there is no such thing as she will never find out. it can happen. I've seen it.

Its really up to you at the end of the day whether or not to tell her.

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 11:05pm

Ruu wrote:

Don't get me wrong, I can see where you are coming from. I understand you made the mistake and you know it too and at the end of the day, the decision is yours. All we can do is offer our opinions and what we would do. Good luck and hope it works out anyway.

I know, I appreciate that. At the end of the day I do have to make the decision. It's good to hear different opinions though.

daiixi · 24-09-2006 11:08pm

Mark20000 wrote:

How exactly is really hurting her showing her respect? You don't know her, something like this would destroy her.

I did say that even if you didn't tell her that you cheated on her that you should break it off. You're right though, I don't know her but I doubt it would destroy her. It would hurt her but like the majority of the rest of the world she'll (most likely) get over it and not kill herself. Perhaps you should have thought about her feelings before you got so drunk that you ****ed someone else.

You know what? If you decide to suck it up and not tell her then that's your choice. But if she finds out from someone else, or even from you sometime in the future the problem will be that you kept it from her for all that time, not just that you cheated.

Can you live with the shame?

Mark20000 · 24-09-2006 11:13pm

daiixi wrote:

You know what? If you decide to suck it up and not tell her then that's your choice. But if she finds out from someone else, or even from you sometime in the future the problem will be that you kept it from her for all that time, not just that you cheated.

Can you live with the shame?

I know. I'm thinking about breaking up with her for some other reason and not telling her what happened at all. She really does deserve someone better than me.

Chinafoot · 24-09-2006 11:23pm

Zillah wrote:

"Show her respect..." Pff. He messed up, it doesn't mean he doesn't respect her.

He made a conscious decision to have sex with someone who isn't his girlfriend despite the fact that he is in a monogamous relationship. Yeah you're right, I can see the respect there. I'd hate to think what you would consider to be disrespectful.

To the OP: You messed up, badly, and you know that. We all make mistakes, I agree. However I think there is a distinct difference between a regrettable drunken kiss and going home with some girl and having sex. As another poster pointed out, you were perfectly capable of ensuring that you had protected sex so surely you could have been capable of stopping what was happening since you love your girlfriend so much.

I agree with Trinity1, this will eventually catch up with you. Telling her will hurt her, of course it will. No girl ever likes to be told that her boyfriend of a year has shagged some random bird on a night out. However, if it was me (and I'm not speaking for anyone else, just giving my opinion) I would rather find out and, like daiixi said, be allowed to make an informed decision about my future with my partner.

Sure you feel guilty now. Chances are that'll fade and you'll essentially have gotten away with it. What's to stop you doing the same again next time you're out with your mate and he pulls?

If it was me and I honestly believed that I would never ever do it again and that I loved my boyfriend more than anything in the world and never wanted to lose him...I'd still tell. I wouldn't want that hanging over my relationship and I would rather be honest with the person I'm claiming to love and take the consequences of that.

Mark2000 wrote:

I'm thinking about breaking up with her for some other reason and not telling her what happened at all.

That's very immature tbh. Surely if you are as crazy about her as you claim you'd try and make things right instead of just dumping her for some made-up reason due to your cowardice.
Try being honest with her, it could be the making of your relationship if you are serious about how you feel about her. There have been plenty of posters here who have cheated/been cheated on who have said that their relationships survived and are stronger than ever. She might surprise you. Then again, she might tell you to go to hell. It's the price you pay when you can't keep your pants on.

jacks_bile_duct · 25-09-2006 12:02am

i had a very similar situation with my girlfriend about 4 years ago, too much booze and a fumble with a random girl and the guilt set in whilst sobering up on the walk home.
i called her that night and told her, we broke up the next day.
3 months of being miserable and seeing her with other guys was enough, i called her and explained how unbelievably sorry i was, how i loved her and needed to be with her etcetc. it took a lot of talking and listening but we reunited and now we have the best relationship i could ask for.
not a day goes by that i don't regret it and she knows that. sure it still hurts her (and me) to talk/think about what i did, but i've done everything i can to fix it and she has forgiven.

it's a long road to redemption but better than the guilt/living a lie dude.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2006 4:06am

If something like this would destroy her, then you shouldn't have gone spreading your love somewhere else then, should you?

The guy doesnt need to be scorned. Your comment is patronising and unhelpful in my opinion.

OP. Ive just ended a brief affair, after cheating on my girlfriend of 3 months.
I know the feeling of suddenly realising how much you have to lose.

I dont think you should tell her, and I dont think you should beat yourself up about it either. I think you should thank your lucky stars you got away with it, and treat her like a princess from now on.

In saying that, if you ever cheat on her again you should leave her, for her sake.

elexes · 25-09-2006 8:32am

how about u just take a week without talking to your gf to get ur mind back in order . think about what you want to do and then do whatever feels best .

if you do decide to tell her u will probably destroy the relationship you have.

but then again by the sounds of things your young and you both will recover from this in no time

Ickle Magoo · 25-09-2006 10:41am

I just don't get the "I love her but I cheated on her" posts that keep popping up on PI...its completely incomprehensible to me that anyone could care about their partner yet have sex with someone else behind their back. You can't possibly care about your partner if you know it would hurt your partner & possibly destroy your relationship but you go ahead anyway & the "I was drink" excuse is such an immature cop out for wanting something you know you shouldn't have & out of utter greed saying to hell with the consequences...

OP, if you want to risk loosing your gf then tell her, if you want to definately loose her then keep shtum & have her find out from someone else. If you want to have a relationship based on dishonesty, selfishness, cheating & lies then pretend it didn't happen.

Talliesin · 25-09-2006 10:52am

The OP can't undo what he did. He only has power over what he goes on to do.

Whether he should say anything or not is really a matter of how his gf would take it - which in turn is something that he can only speculate about based on how well he knows her, and we don't have a clue about.

He certainly shouldn't "forget about it" - not telling her doesn't mean he should forget about it, he should damn well remember it.

The "be a man" argument is pointless. Is it "being a man" to do something which causes her more hurt and eases his concience (whether that thing is telling her, or breaking up with her). If "be a man" means anything here, it means do whatever the right thing seems to be no matter how much it sucks for him, and it seems that its in deciding what the right thing is that has led the OP here, so he's already on the right track.

cathy01 · 25-09-2006 11:09am

I couldnt agree with ICKLE MAGOO more.
If she was the one for you, you would never have done it.Tell her, it will be up to her if she can live with the idea.
I know if it my husband.He would be gone, no question.

Black Swan · 25-09-2006 11:45am

This is a tough call for you, obviously... And what we say here are just "words." You have to act, or not act upon your feelings of guilt.

Yes, people make mistakes. We all do. And I would like to believe that there is atonement through actions not words. But is a promise not to do it again sufficient to right the wrong done to her? Is there something you can do for her that will cost you dearly to balance the scales (should you decide to keep your cheating a secret)?

In any case, being drunk cannot be an excuse for cheating, cause if it is, then future cheating can be justified when drunk.

If you tell her, like some have suggested on this thread, your relationship will be damaged, perhaps forever. She will never forget, rest assured of that! But will she forgive?

event · 25-09-2006 12:26pm

dog27 wrote:

The guy doesnt need to be scorned. Your comment is patronising and unhelpful in my opinion.

OP. Ive just ended a brief affair, after cheating on my girlfriend of 3 months.
I know the feeling of suddenly realising how much you have to lose.

I dont think you should tell her, and I dont think you should beat yourself up about it either. I think you should thank your lucky stars you got away with it, and treat her like a princess from now on.

In saying that, if you ever cheat on her again you should leave her, for her sake.

is this a joke?

thank his lucky stars he got away with having sex with another girl?

yeah, he should praise the lord for it :rolleyes:

OP, really only you can decide. You should tell her, i think the guilt will eat you up, which could destroy the relationship anyway

mirwillbeback · 25-09-2006 12:47pm

Can I have the phone no of the tramp you had the one night stand with?

Dustaz · 25-09-2006 3:08pm

PI is always so funny with the holier than thou repsonses.

Look, your an idiot. If your in love with your gf theres no way in hell you should have cheated on her and your a moron for doing it. But you did. It happens and as long as you dont do it again (and you really seem to realise thats its not worth it in the long run) youve learned your lesson.

Dont tell her. If you are sure theres zero percent chance of her finding out, then the best course of action is to keep it from her , at least for the moment. Why hurt her like this if you guys could split up next month due to some other reason.

I know ill take a lot of flack for this but believe me, if the situations were reversed she would NOT tell you. Nearly all of my female friends have been in this situation and to a woman, when i asked them did they tell their blokes they just looked at me blankly and made a 'what do you think face'.

You fùcked up, live with the guilt and if you guys decide to get married down the line, then think about bringing it up out of fairness.

cork-langer · 25-09-2006 3:14pm

If you dont want to lose her then do NOT tell her!

If you did tell her and she forgave ya then it would come up in every fight ye have from then on.
Its not worth it man....

Suck it up and Deal with your conscience. full stop.

neuro-praxis · 25-09-2006 3:46pm

You're a cheater. Also it looks like you're a coward, and a liar.

Protecting her? You're protecting your own ass. You're looking for support and justification.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2006 3:55pm

neuro-praxis wrote:

You're a cheater. Also it looks like you're a coward, and a liar.

.

Thats spot on, but if he tells his Gf he can add idiot to that list.

OP say nothing to your gf, you made a mistake, learn from it, dont repeat it.

iguana · 25-09-2006 4:01pm

neuro-praxis wrote:

Protecting her? You're protecting your own ass. You're looking for support and justification.

My thoughts exactly.

Miss Fluff · 25-09-2006 4:15pm

Everyone makes mistakes. If you are SURE she won't find out and you haven't put her own sexual health at risk I'd be inclined to keep schtum. Anyone who 'fesses up to ease their own conscience rarely emerges smelling of roses. If your GF decided to stay with you the trust will be gone and it will rear it's ugly head in future arguments. Blathering in an attempt to alleviate one's one guilt and this notion that "but she deserves to know" is nonsense. If it's a one-off mistake, treat her with more respect in future, make sure it doesn't happen again and put up and shut up as it were. If you can't keep it in your pants again then do the decent thing and leave her but if it's a one-off mistake nobody is perfect and why ruin it all if you love her?

LegacyUser · 25-09-2006 4:39pm

Don't tell her.

Kersh · 25-09-2006 5:19pm

Let me put it to you this way -
Imagine the setting, bed at home, your wife (this gf) is sick, on the way out, as it were. You are holding her hand. Your 2 beautiful kids are sitting at the end of your bed, crying. Your wife tells you over and over she loves you.
And you slept with someone else, betrayed her trust, and that makes you a sh1t, and it will haunt you.
If that scene worries you, do her a favour and break it off.

unnameduser · 25-09-2006 5:49pm

keep your trap shut

event · 25-09-2006 5:59pm

Dustaz wrote:

PI is always so funny with the holier than thou repsonses.

Look, your an idiot. If your in love with your gf theres no way in hell you should have cheated on her and your a moron for doing it. But you did. It happens and as long as you dont do it again (and you really seem to realise thats its not worth it in the long run) youve learned your lesson.

Dont tell her. If you are sure theres zero percent chance of her finding out, then the best course of action is to keep it from her , at least for the moment. Why hurt her like this if you guys could split up next month due to some other reason.

I know ill take a lot of flack for this but believe me, if the situations were reversed she would NOT tell you. Nearly all of my female friends have been in this situation and to a woman, when i asked them did they tell their blokes they just looked at me blankly and made a 'what do you think face'.

You fùcked up, live with the guilt and if you guys decide to get married down the line, then think about bringing it up out of fairness.

why would ye do that?

that makes no sense, you're about to marry the girl so tell her a fews years ago i rode some other wan one night?

helluva a way to start the marriage

fuzzywiggle · 25-09-2006 6:03pm

Tell your girlfirennd. If you think so highly of her you would at least let her know what kind of a man she's going out with.

Aoide · 25-09-2006 6:28pm

Don't tell her.
The only thing it will accomplish is the relief of getting it off your chest. It will just end up hurting her and she might forgive you but she will never forget it and if you are certain you will never cheat again then why put her through that pain just to relieve your guilty conscience.
Further more, you are not married and who knows if your relationship will last forever? Put it down to a lesson learned and move on.

hunnymonster · 25-09-2006 6:36pm

If I were your GF, I wouldn't want to know.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2006 6:57pm

It was just sex, don't do it again. how did you have protection with you? i can understand you went back to apartment so your mate could get laid. you seem remorsefull, once it doesnt happen again theres little harm done, if you tell her more harm may be done.

bohsboy · 25-09-2006 8:43pm

Dont say anything. But really vow to avoid the same situations again. Telling her only makes you feel better. The guilt will fade.

dr.bollocko · 25-09-2006 9:01pm

If you move on now, without telling her, you will get away with it.
If there is no connection to her from the other girl at all you have completely gotten away with it.
But it will still mean that you will always hold it in your soul, and from time to time, that guilt will feed you bad ideas as you attempt to over-compensate for your wrong-doing, by trying to attone for a sin that you can never breathe a word of to anyone.
And even rarer, but it will still happen, you will know in the back of your mind that you got away with it once. And when your brain is disengaged who knows what will happen again.
U made a drunken mistake but you havent made two, you know? You didnt carry on an affair, and you arent a serial cheater or anything.
I know you were drunk and you werent thinking and all that, but from bitter experience, if you want to go and sew the wild oats, or even fancy singlehood, or sleeping around for a while, just end it with the next girl before you do. Because nothing is worth all the guilt you are set to go through.

LundiMardi · 25-09-2006 9:06pm

I really can't believe the amount of people saying don't tell her.. It's absolutely disgraceful. Sad sad people.

dr.bollocko · 25-09-2006 9:10pm

Actually its your comment just there thats a disgrace. A certain ability to put yourself in other peoples shoes is required, and its your problem that you cannot do that, and not theirs.
Just because someone else's opinion is different to yours is no reason to moan at them with comments like "sad, sad people". attack the post and not the poster is the most simple rule to remember you know.
And the reason why its a rule is because its a fallacy and would automatically lose you a debate.
Its easy to write a snide little one line comment non-specifically insulting posters, but just as easy to actually back up your point, and argue against anothers point, without resorting to that sort of crap.

LundiMardi · 25-09-2006 9:15pm

It's not an insult, it's an observation. It's quite sad that people in this day and age have no morals, feel free to sleep with who they want behind the back of someone with whom they profess to love. It's quite sad that other people on an internet forum actually agree that they should not tell, and just go on living life as it is, making a complete fool of the person they ''love''.

So yes, quite sad indeed.

Cheated on my gf

Comments