Cheated on my gf

dr.bollocko

Eventually even your high definition of morality will bend to include a teeny tarnish on your otherwise perfectly moralistic life, and when the day that that real moral problem shows up you will realise how OTT and ridiculous you sound and how unhelpful you are being in the way you express yourself.

And then you will think of the prescription that I wrote for you, one tall tall glass of shut the hell up juice.

iguana

I think most people here are forgetting how bloody small Dublin is, presuming the op is in Dublin. Your mate slept with a friend of the girl you slept with and you think there is a less than 1% chance of it getting back to your girlfriend? You are completely kidding yourself.

Dublin is a bloody small city, they say you are never more than 6 degrees of seperation from someone in the world, but that's certainly true in Dublin. I don't think I've ever really met someone in Dublin who wasn't a friend of a friend.

I'd say there's at least a 1 in 4 chance of your girlfriend finding out. The chances are that you'll act strangely around her and she'll get suspicious or that the story will work it's way back to her.

Just tell her, you made the wrong choice and you owe her the truth. As badly as she may take your infidelity, if she finds out any other way it will be worse. Only she has the right to decide where you two should go from here. You have cheated on her, at least have the decency not to lie to her too.

LundiMardi

Oh please... so, eventually, every one of us will cheat on our partners?

It's not a high definition on morality, it's BASIC morality and respect for a loved one.

I am just out of a 4 year relationship and i never so much as held another girls hand, let along cheat, and believe me i had my chances.

Self control, get it?

dr.bollocko

Thats not what I am saying at all on any level. Nor did any of my posts even begin to indicate your ridiculous paraphrasing of my point. Nor have I ever stated that I agree that the OP should not tell his girlfriend about it at any stage. What you take to be a basic moral point is actually one that has been argues by numerous better minds than yours and mine and they havent come up with the right answer either.
Im not arguing at all that what he did was wrong, or that it is acceptable as long as ou dont get away with it.
What I am objecting to is the way in which you phrase your replies, attacking people just for holding a different view to yours.
You should Be able to see the opinions of others as opportunities to think a different way and not as some barrier to your absolute views on right or wrong.
There is no binary answer to a question like this.

The answer will usually lie in an amalgamation of posts and a barrage of new opinions, and not one poster quick-judging anyone who has a different opinion.

Victor

Guys, take it easy and stay (mostly) on topic. Leave the modding to the mods.

mirwillbeback wrote:

Can I have the phone no of the tramp you had the one night stand with?

Get a room of face a banning.

Aoide

LundiMardi wrote:

I really can't believe the amount of people saying don't tell her.. It's absolutely disgraceful. Sad sad people.

I was one of the ppl who answered not to tell her. Maybe it's because I'm married and have a few years on a lot of the poster's here, but the world isn't all black and white.People make mistakes and it's clear the OP is gutted this happened and has learned from it. His post indicates he is regretful and because of this experience he knows he won't make this mistake again. So it's not as if he is bed hopping from one woman to the next.
I don't agree with his mistake but if you look at the larger picture one has to ask what good can really come of his telling her? It will cause her grief and self doubt. And for what? In the name of honesty? That's so easy to dish out advice when you think in terms of good/bad. But it's not always that simple.
If they were married this would be a different matter but that's not the case.This will always haunt her and I'm not sure it's worth her knowing.
Yes she might end up finding out later and be upset he didn't come clean at the start, but I'm not convinced it would be that much more upsetting for her than if he told her now.

LegacyUser

Oh god.

Why cant people give advice on what is sensible under the circumstances?

Instead the PI forum is filled with conceited do-gooders who are only happy to tell OPs how "sad" and "nasty" they are. Get a life.

Wheres the empathy???

Also dont forget, every relationship is different. There is no black and white.

To the OP.
I wish you the best. Let us know how it goes.

LundiMardi

dr.bollocko wrote:

What I am objecting to is the way in which you phrase your replies, attacking people just for holding a different view to yours.

I didn't attack anyone, i merely made an observation based on my opinion of the situation at hand and the replies that followed.

dr.bollocko wrote:

You should Be able to see the opinions of others as opportunities to think a different way and not as some barrier to your absolute views on right or wrong.
There is no binary answer to a question like this.

Sorry to disappoint, but in this situation i will not think a different way, my views on right or wrong will remain absolute because that is what I believe.

I believe that you do not disrespect a loved one the way the OP did, i believe that if you do so, you must live by your decision and have the decency to tell your ''loved one'' what you did, so they can make the decision of whether you are worthy of forgiveness. I believe to do otherwise is quite sad, and those who agree seem to be quite sad. In my opinion of course.

So yeah, i mean, i can repeat it all if you want? So, instead of attacking a so called attacking post(oh the irony), why not just ignore?

Anyway, that's enough from me, i've made my point....again.

dr.bollocko

I quote what you said directly:
"sad sad people"
Therefore you did, in fact, attack people, because that is, in fact, an attack.

But maybe what it is is that we both have different ideas as to whether or not that statement was an attack.
Maybe both these different opinions can still co-exist without someone insulting someone else?

Anyway, what I was actually posting to say that despite what anyone might think is right or wrong, you know what, if it was me, and my gf was going through this turmoil over me because she cheated on me, I would not want to know, because I think it would shake my trust of any future partners and would cause me more pain than a drunken grope is worth. And there is no way of changing the past.
And some people are not as emotionally strong as others, and would not appreciate the honesty in the face of a devestating knock to their trust.

And rather than writing an essay on why, I have to say that Aoide above said it all, much better than I could.

iguana

Aoide wrote:

Maybe it's because I'm married and have a few years on a lot of the poster's here, but the world isn't all black and white.

At least 4 of the posters who advised him to tell her the truth are married. That was a pretty patronising and unjustified comment. I don't think your marriage makes you anymore able to offer advice than if you were single.

LegacyUser

Aoide wrote:

I was one of the ppl who answered not to tell her. Maybe it's because I'm married and have a few years on a lot of the poster's here, but the world isn't all black and white.People make mistakes and it's clear the OP is gutted this happened and has learned from it. His post indicates he is regretful and because of this experience he knows he won't make this mistake again. So it's not as if he is bed hopping from one woman to the next.
I don't agree with his mistake but if you look at the larger picture one has to ask what good can really come of his telling her? It will cause her grief and self doubt. And for what? In the name of honesty? That's so easy to dish out advice when you think in terms of good/bad. But it's not always that simple.
If they were married this would be a different matter but that's not the case.This will always haunt her and I'm not sure it's worth her knowing.
Yes she might end up finding out later and be upset he didn't come clean at the start, but I'm not convinced it would be that much more upsetting for her than if he told her now.

I see where you're coming from but in a marriage you've entered into a situation where one assumes you work at it to continue the contract/pledge..whatever you would wish to call it.

If I were entering into a contract, and hadnt signed it yet, I'd rather have all the facts and figures at hand beforehand. I'd have a right to a certain amount of disclosure.

I wonder if Lundi Mardi presented a deep belief in karma as opposed to morals would everyone be bashing him her as they are now.
Moral isnt a dirty word you know.

Me, I believe in Karma.
I wouldn't personally want someone who went off-side on me.
I wouldn't really care if it was a once off.

I think you should tell her and let her decide it's importance.

All you can really ask yourself is this, if she did same, would you like to know, and how would you feel?

LegacyUser

Dont tell her. You know you made a mistake, we all make mistakes. If you are genuine in feeling remorse and will not do this again then just leave it and dont tell her.
However if you do this again then you know you have to tell her and you know you probably do not want to be with your girlfriend.

LegacyUser

It was in your position a few years ago, I was going out with a girl for almost two years, a girl that was intending to marry one day, one night i got totally off my face and totally out of control and ended with a girl who'd been a platonic friend for years. Id never done anything like it before in my life.

I kept it from my girlfriend for a year but in the end I told her because I couldnt keep it from her anymore, I hated myself more and more every day that went by that I didnt tell her.

After a few weeks of begging, grovelling, and in the end a surprise trip to paris, she eventually agreed to try and forgive me. So we worked on helping her to trust me again but it took months and to be honest I think she was always a little bit suspicious if was out without her.

We lasted for another year and half, we still talked about getting married and having kids and we had a really great year together after things settled down. In the end things slowly started to go pear shaped and then she broke it off with me. It wasnt just because of that, there were other, much bigger issues that drove us apart but it was always there, an elephant in the room, especially when we argued about something.

So I dont know what to say to you, there was no happy ending for me, but I think you should tell her, as soon as possible, the longer you leave it the worse it will be. If you dont tell her and she finds out on her own there is no way she will ever trust you. If you come clean you might have a chance. If you have a strong relationship it will survive and she might forgive you eventually, but there is no easy way out here.

I think if you were the kind of person who could keep a secret like this and not let it eat you up you wouldnt even be asking for advice here, you'd already be forgetting it happened.

I know how tough this is for you, you dont want to risk losing her, but you dont want to lie to her either. At the end of the day nobody can tell you what to do, you have to decide for yourself. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

neuro-praxis

"been there" excepted for obvious reasons, I am surprised to see how many unregistered responses there are in here. Are people afraid their SOs will read their responses and suspect them of cheating?

I don't think honesty is always the best policy, purely for the sake of honesty. If my friend is sick and looking terrible, it's not wrong of me to tell her she looks well, or looks like she's getting better.

But as long as you cheat and say nothing, you are making a complete fool of your partner. You love yourself far, far more than you love your partner. Don't get me wrong, I think we're all likely to make a few mistakes, but wrongs aren't righted by pretending they never happened. This isn't black and white morality. In fact I'd say it's very messy indeed.

It's so fashionable to say, "When you're a little more mature you'll understand that life isn't so straightforward." Well in my opinion that's pure bull. I don't think anyone present with five grams of cop on reckons that life is straightforward. You know, having the courage to cope with the consequences of admitting a grevious mistake to a partner shows far more maturity than letting sleeping dogs lie. I know families that have been destroyed by multiple and long-term infidelities, and sorry, it wasn't the revelation of the cheating that ruined the homes - it was the cheating itself. Believing anything else is what I'd consider naive.

dr.bollocko

People are quoting morals as if there is only one moral thing to do in this situation, ie tell the girl.
But how can that possibly be the case?

It depends entirely on the girls personality. A blow like that could destroy some of my more fragile friends, really **** with their heads for a long time. I mean as well as the guy being unfaithful to her, he could also potentially ruin her for the next two to three years and leave her with a load of emotional baggage. I know a lot of strong personalities here would just say "I'd want to know, and then I'd tell him to **** right off." But that just is not the case for a lot of people. So the moral argument is really not set in stone.
Again, I didnt attack Lundi for her moral views, I appreciate and respect a moral viewpoint. I was annoyed at the way it was brought across, by what appeared to be judgements on others and poor word choices. It wasnt anything to do with Morals, or Karma........
Can you not see why telling the girlfriend could just make it worse for everyone? Potentially ruining her trust in men, their relationship, his credibility.
Of course what he did was a fundamental betrayal of his girlfriend, and of course if she found out that relationship would probably be totally over. But while the OP is going through a huge amount of guilt, is it right then to lay the betrayal on his girlfriend at this stage?
If he has learned a lesson, that cheating is wrong, that it was a foolish drug-fuelled lustful mistake, and he knows that from now until the end of the relationship he will never even consider being unfaithful to her, is there any point in telling her anything?

LegacyUser

TBH i went through the exact same thing as you mate with my ex and with time it wont bother you as much but every night before you go to sleep it wil pop into your head !!
Every time your havin a loving moment with this girl it will be sumwhere in the back of your mind !

I broke up with this girl eventually and felt great relief !!

Truth : it will always haunt you, it will never go away.
Its no way to carry on in a relationship. You have to tell her !!
it will end the relationship most likley but ull move on eventually.

In the long run it wil be the best decision you ever made !
You cant be with someone or even marry someone with lies and secrets ! it doesnt work !

padser

chamlis wrote:

What she doesn't know won't hurt her, and if you're looking to ease your guilty conscience you'll end up hurting her.
So don't. Chalk it down to experience, thank your lucky stars and move on. Give money to charity or something.

to be honest that pretty much the best advice given in the whole thread i think. It sums it all up I think

jencar01

This is a really hard one. If you don’t tell her your going to feel so guilty forever more, maybe even let it out when you’ve had one to many ( you’ve obviously done stupid things when your drunk before).. or you can tell her and prob wreck your whole relationship. She’ll either dump you straight away or she’ll hold it against you for ever. Never trusting you again.

I’m a girlfriend myself and as bad as it sounds I think I’d prefer not to know. If it was really a once off. if you really really love this girl and sure its never going to come back on you. I know a friend in the same situation as you, loves his Gf to bits everyone knows how mad about her he is, been together 3 years but like you he was out one night cant remember a thing and woke up in some girls bed ( the town bike). But anyway he rushed home and tried to forget about it and now its come out that the village bike is up the duff. The Girlfriend was told and her worlds been thrown apart. They were so in love it would make you sick sometimes. Now its totally messed up. Both of them are so miserable.

hope things work out for you.

Normally I’d have no sympathy for someone that does this but I know these things can happen once. Once it’s a once off I’d try forgot about it and enjoy being with your Gf.

Aoide

iguana wrote:

At least 4 of the posters who advised him to tell her the truth are married. That was a pretty patronising and unjustified comment. I don't think your marriage makes you anymore able to offer advice than if you were single.

Ouch! That's pretty brutal.:(
I can easily see how you could disagree with my opinions on this subject but finding what I wrote in any way "patronizing" is surprising because that was not what was intended, and I'm clueless how my mentioning I was married could seem "unjustified".
If you read my post you will see I was replying to someone's post that was the definition of patronizing and unjustified. All I did was point out that maybe because I am married and older than a lot of posters on here that I see things from a different perspective. That's it. I never claimed special wisdom or anything like that, just experience has taught me that, as I wrote, things aren't always as black and white as we'd like to think they are, and the knee jerk reaction to run and confess might end up causing the gf more grief than if he kept it to himself.
Perhaps I wasn't as clear as I tried to be? But I don't make a habit of purposely writing to cause offense and I'm sorry you took what I wrote in such a strong way.

King of Kings

galjgfgu5 wrote:

TBH i went through the exact same thing as you mate with my ex and with time it wont bother you as much but every night before you go to sleep it wil pop into your head !!
Every time your havin a loving moment with this girl it will be sumwhere in the back of your mind !
!

for real?? can say I was ever haunted prior to sleep.
i did cheat in my youth. can not say it bothered me.

But I'm older now and it probably would bother me (I'm married) but I wouldnt advice the OP to blow his chance of a decent relationship.

Op don't tell her. if you are truely sorry you'll avoid those situations again.
That means....no more wingman when your friends are on the pull...sorry it'll probably means drinking alone in the club but tbh you cannot handle the other way.

maybe you could if you laid off the drink.

Finally I am married and I'm with Aoide on this. Nothing is black and white.

Would all you married folk really ditch a marriage over an mistake.
if you partner was really sorry - does forgiveness ever enter the equation?
Surely the person you married (intend staying with forever etc...) in entitled to some forgiveness...once at least

just a thought

iguana

King of Kings wrote:

Would all you married folk really ditch a marriage over an mistake.
if you partner was really sorry - does forgiveness ever enter the equation?
Surely the person you married (intend staying with forever etc...) in entitled to some forgiveness...once at least

Very few people said they would ditch him, they thought he should tell her and let her make up her own mind.

Aoide, I'm glad you didn't mean to be patronising, but I really don't understand why you would bring the fact that you are married into this. And why you would make an automatic assumption that you're older than everyone else commenting.

My relationship with my husband has nothing to do with my opinion on this matter and it certainly gives it no more or less validity. The only reason your circumstances would give weight to your argument is in a situation such as that of Been There's as it is very similar to that of the OP.

Aoide

iguana wrote:

Aoide, I'm glad you didn't mean to be patronising, but I really don't understand why you would bring the fact that you are married into this. And why you would make an automatic assumption that you're older than everyone else commenting.

My relationship with my husband has nothing to do with my opinion on this matter and it certainly gives it no more or less validity. The only reason your circumstances would give weight to your argument is in a situation such as that of Been There's as it is very similar to that of the OP.

Of all the comments made by ppl in this thread I'm not sure why my comment on the fact that I am married has become singled out and made such an issue. I thought the sharing of opinions and comments were welcome here (barring anything against charter of course) and I don't like having to defend the fact that I added a personal comment to a post. If everyone's comments were picked apart in such a manner I think we'd end up with very few posters after a while. I could certainly understand if I had misquoted something or written something offensive, but that wasn't the case.
I added the fact that I'm married , I guess because marriage = long term relationship, experience and a working familiarity of the interaction of the sexes. I hadn't thought I would have to write a dissertation on the matter, or I never would have brought it up.
Regarding my age, again let me go back to the fact that my original reply was to an earlier post made by someone that was very clear cut in the view that anyone saying not to tell her had a view that was “absolutely disgraceful” .and that we were “sad sad people”. I looked on their profile and saw I was a good 10 years older and therefor my comment. Again.....for the record, never did I say I was full of wisdom or a higher authority, only that there was more to life than simple answers.
If you continue to have such a problem with my posts maybe you should report me to a mod or something because I'm growing tired of having to explain myself to you when at least 2 other people have agreed with me, so either this thread is being overrun by the forces of evil , or you have a problem with me personally and I don't feel the need to deal with that.
Not to mention that this has gone way off topic.

LegacyUser

Yep - the thread has gone a bit silly but Im gonna give my 2 cents if I may.
I hope the democratic mods of boards.ie allow posts which express an opinion which differs from the theirs...

Personally, I didnt find Aoides comment patronising. She didnt say "hey Im older and married and I know more than you" .. she said:

I was one of the ppl who answered not to tell her. Maybe it's because I'm married and have a few years on a lot of the poster's here, but the world isn't all black and white.

the language and tone she used was more subtle and she was just suggesting that her situation in life might back up her point to a degree.
If anything, Aoide has been the least narrow minded of people posting on this thread in my opinion. Not only that but she has made her points in an articulate and respectful manner.
Either way, it would be nice to see people focussing back to the issue at hand.

OP- Are you still with us? How are things going?

I too dont think OP should tell her, and I dont class myself as a sad sad person. Ill leave the classifying of people to those who are perhaps more convinced that they are always right on everything.

In my humble opinion, it would be best for everyone concerned if OP keeps his mistake to himself and never cheats on his girlfriend ever again.

Ickle Magoo

I'm married & not as young as I wish I was & I think lying & deceiving your partner while suggesting it's for their own good is laughable, if not more than a little warped.

I don't think it's for any of us to decide what is best for our partners to know (especially if it miraculously coincides with what we want...) when it comes to disclosing or hiding infidelities.

Either a relationship is based on transparency, honesty & respect or it's not - that is black & white...you cannot hold a person or relationship in high regard & deliberately risk loosing either/both all to satisfy your own lust & justify keeping it a secret for your partners sake. I can't think of any excuse for doing it in the first place & so I can't think why a partner deserves to be made a fool of & treated in such an uncaring & disrespectful manner. While I'm well aware that not everything in relationships/marriage/life is black & white, I fail to see the grey in this kind of situation...

Ickle Magoo

King of Kings wrote:

Would all you married folk really ditch a marriage over an mistake.

Mistakes we all make - mistakes imo are unintentional & certainly forgiveable...my husband deliberately puting his cock into another woman knowing it would crush me & irrepairably damage our marriage, however, is much, much more than a mistake & yes, his infidelity would signal the end.

King of Kings wrote:

if you partner was really sorry - does forgiveness ever enter the equation?
Surely the person you married (intend staying with forever etc...) in entitled to some forgiveness...once at least

just a thought

To me putting the onus on the cheated party to forgive doesn't cover it. I don't expect my husband to cheat on me behind my back (loyalty, trust, respect), if he wants to be with another woman then I expect him to leave me first (transparancy, honesty) - & yet for disregarding all my expectations & feelings, he deserves forgiveness? Not in my book. The person I married (as you say, intend to stay with forever, etc) also carries responsibility towards making our marriage work & that includes being faithful - as soon as they break that intention then all my intentions of "forever" are automatically cancelled.

No amount of sorry's could ever repair the damage & I'd rather move on than spend my life waiting for it to happen again. I see the love between spouses as conditional & one of the conditions of my marriage is fidelity - without that I would no longer love nor want my husband tbh

BobTheBeat

If your the kind of person who can shrug things off and is not easily bothered,then dont tell her.

If your the kind of person that does get worried easily and lets things play on their mind, then tell her.

But thats only considering your side of the story. She deserves to know. You share alot together including (I assume) mutual love, respect and trust... all the things that are part and parcel of being in a relationship. If you choose to keep this from her, then you are breaking that trust.

dr.bollocko

Well the OP has said quite clearly that he is not married. And from personal experience, being told that you have been cheated on at a younger age (We'll say >20) can have quite an effect on a person. Because let's face it, we don't really know how to have an adult relationship until about that age, 20 or so. Before that it is a series of Dawsons creek style Doom and Gloom / Worlds most glorious relationships.
When I was told about it, it really shook me. OK I did break up with the girl, but that wasn't the end of it. You can become more paranoid, you lose trust in people, and also in your own ability to judge people.
I guess from the point of view of the victim, that being your girlfriend, the best thing you can do at this stage is leave her be, until you have decided to either screw around for another few years, or else commit to a serious relationship, because she is a person too, and worthy of someone who will commit totally to her, like she has committed to you.

DRakE

don't tell her.

she probably deserved it anyway

Tar.Aldarion

I'd tell her, do what you want. If you think you love her then I think you should. Do what you want, choice for the person themselves to make.

snb

Of course what he did was a fundamental betrayal of his girlfriend, and of course if she found out that relationship would probably be totally over.


I think this is the whole point. You did something terribly wrong, you know you did, your afraid of losing her, so you want to keep it to yourself.

If you see any real future with your girlfriend you should come clean & as said here already allow her to make an informed decision about the future of your relationship.

If you do love her, do you think its right that sometime in the future, maybe your wedding day, or maybe the birth of your child, that she holds all this loyalty & love for you and you have basically kept this betrayal from her ? I think it would taint anything of value, unless she is told & choses to forgive you.

Its hard, but as an adult I think you just have to deal.

oulu

do not tell her put it down to experience, what good would telling her do anyway, you need to forgive yourself and then reset your head like you would a computor, many people are happyly married and cheat that is life, but if it is eating away at you , then you need to sort that out,

Lilysue

Seriously where do u get off - looking for sympathy to ease your conscience.You were the one that had sex behind your girlfriends back.Come off it - what did you expect to go back to this girls house and for nothing to happen.I hope you feel awful and that she returns the favour to you.

bug

I have an question...

why do people keep comparing this guy & his girlfriend to a marriage?

Is it just me, or are those things not two total separate circumstances?

Ickle Magoo

bug wrote:

I have an question...

why do people keep comparing this guy & his girlfriend to a marriage?

Is it just me, or are those things not two total separate circumstances?

King of Kings asked if married folks would end things if their partner cheated.

I don't see the ring matters tbh...is it ok to cheat with a partner who may become a spouse but not if they actually are? I think it's a horrible thing to do either way.

LegacyUser

OP - are you still with us? Has anything happened or are you gonna just move on and forget about it?

By the way, incase you didnt know, you did a horrible thing. heh.