Girlfriend won't touch me sexually

LegacyUser

This is very embarrassing but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My girlfriend and I are in our mid 20s and have been going out for over a year. The problem is she's terrified of touching me and me ejaculating. She's a virgin, I'm not. She has no problem with me touching her but won't do anything to me. She's on the pill (for non sexual reasons).

I love her but this is getting me quite down at this point as I do not wish us to break up however I'm only human and feel I've been quite patient up to now. She was raised very strictly and has little experience (sexually) with men and seems to be terified of any fluids coming out of me.

Laslo

Why would she be terrified? Have you spoken to her in detail about her fear? If you talk to her and get to the bottom of the issue then you'll get all the answers you need. Asking a load of strangers on the internet who don't know your girlfriend from Adam (or Eve?) is hardly going to be of much benefit to you to be honest.

Ruu_Old

I think she needs to get more guidance from yourself but don't force her to do anything. Hold her hand and be gentle guiding it, explore each others bodies and maybe she will get some confidence.

Kell

Unknown8011 wrote:

I love her but this is getting me quite down at this point

Look, this is really simple. She is either satisfying you or not so its a case of move on or dont.

Personally, if it has been that long with no contact that you crave, I would have been outta there a LONG time ago.

It surprises me sometimes how people can be in a relationship and take take take on any level and not reciprocate. Bah :mad:

K-

LegacyUser

i'd have to agree. she is being selfish or at the very least should feel guilty. tell her how you feel. for any relationship to be complete you need all of it. right now a part of it is missing for you and shes holding the piece. its up to her at the end of the day to have the drive to hand it over but explain everything and ask her is this always the way it'll be and if shes happy with it as it is. because i think we'll all agree she might be happy as larry but she'll never find a man who will be in this circumstance

Ickle Magoo

OP,

You need to sit your gf down & get to the bottom of what is causing her to have these issues. I don't think that you are being unreasonable to expect reciprocation. I know if my partner would happily accept sexual acts from me but refused to touch me or considered my natural body fluids to be disgusting, I would be hurt & angered. You have to let her know that her behaviour is effecting your opinion of her & your relationship in the hope that she deals with her issues before you call it a day. Best of luck.

Zulu

Man I don't know how you're still there - patience of a saint. Personally, what's the point? Isn't she really just a friend?

LegacyUser

Maybe she simply doesn't know what exactly to do and has no confidence in that area.

Zillah

She has issues, clearly. Thats not the kind of thing she'll just get over. Thats counselling territory. If its worth it, put up with it, if its not, move on.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with Zillah.

U seriously have to consider moving on (Yes - it's a hard thing to do !).
But this girl is doing your head in - both the big head and the little (?)
head !

Guy_In_Cognito

I was in the same position when I first started seeing my gf.

I basically told her one morning that I didn't think we were suited, sexually, and could see it being a problem. We very nearly broke up, but she started experimenting, and now there's nothing she won't do!

Definitely worth talking to her about it. Tell her it's make or break.

Miss Fluff

Have you asked her whether she hopes to lose her virginity with you?

Is this dependent on a wedding ring?

Why is she so "terrified" by bodily fluids?

Strict upbringing aside, she didn't just appear thanks to a stork now did she?

You seriously need to sit down and have a chat with her. I don't think anyone here can advise you on anything (it would be purely speculative) until you have discussed this with her.

SingingCherry

I don't really understand why people expect this girl to touch you at all. It sounds like you two are intimate otherwise (kissing, etc,.) Sure, she's your girlfriend, and you two are both adults, but she's not required to get you off bceause of it. It's be great if she wanted to but she doesn't and you telling her that you'll leave her otherwise like some have suggested should get you a giant F*** Off! Obviously there are issues there. She needs to work through them and pressuring her or telling her you'll leave isn't exactly the way to go about it. Talk to her about it, gently, and let her know you're there to support her in whatever she would like to do. If you jump on her about it, or make her feel guilty, she won't trust you and then you have no chance at all.

LundiMardi

Personally, you wouldn't still be there if you didn't care a great deal for this girl. So instead of just giving up and moving on like other people are suggesting. I say maybe stay with her and actually help her through this. It's obvious she has some issues but you up and leaving will not help her one bit.

So sit her down and have a good long talk, you need to help her get over this fear, for her sake as much as yours.

dr.bollocko

You have to balance in your head whether or not this girl is worth it.
Sounds cruel I know, but relationships are hard work, and they mostly dont work out. So there is no shame in walking away from one if you are not getting what you want out of it.
However you sound like the kind of person looking for a solution, and not a person looking for vindication to walk away from an otherwise good relationship.
But at this stage it comes down to either talk to your girlfriend about it or end the relationship.
Its a very individual situation, but for many people in the modern world, a girlfriends inability to sate "normal" sexual apettites would be a deal breaker.
For others, it would be a turn on, or the "right thing to do..."
But you have to do what is right for you. You shouldnt end the relationship lightly, but you still have a right to say "This relationship is no longer giving me what I want."
I havent found a solution yet that cant be solved better by two people indulging in a dialogue, rather than one lonely person indulging in a ****.

Kell

SingingCherry wrote:

Sure, she's your girlfriend, and you two are both adults,

And adults "should" recognise that it takes a bit more than a kiss n a cuddle to make things work. Not saying for everyone, but this poster. He shouldnt be shot for wanting to shag- everyone has that fantastic urge. This isnt about whether she has problems or not, its whether he should extend her any more of his time or patience.

K-

Zulu

SingingCherry wrote:

I don't really understand why people expect this girl to touch you at all.

Because they are going out with each other. There's a difference between friends, and lovers - guess what it is.

It sounds like you two are intimate otherwise (kissing, etc,.)

....kissing, but there no "etc." for him.

...but she's not required to get you off bceause of it.

To me, that would be one of the most important things in a relataionship. ...other wise, whats the difference between them and someone who just wants to be "friends" with you?

cance

SingingCherry wrote:

I don't really understand why people expect this girl to touch you at all.

They are both human, the body needs, if he feels that its needed in the relationship she either has to get over her issues or he needs to go elsewhere for what he wants.

SingingCherry wrote:

It sounds like you two are intimate otherwise (kissing, etc,.) Sure, she's your girlfriend, and you two are both adults, but she's not required to get you off bceause of it. It's be great if she wanted to but she doesn't and you telling her that you'll leave her otherwise like some have suggested should get you a giant F*** Off!

well although i think you are talking utter crap, you obviously view sex in a relationship a in different way to some of the posters(and op) here. how can she expect to enjoy receiving yet no reciprocate! thats utter a. selfishness and b. rude.

If i were the OP i would be as frustrated/disapointed. Sex has a large part to play in a relationship and the issues this girl has are not healthy. as zilla said if shes worth the "blue balls" stick around, but dont be suprised if you argue repeatedly over trivial issues rooted from this issue.

I would try talking to her, but i have a feeling it wont help with a case as extreme as this, guidance is the best step for her IMO.

Blu Eyz

Unknown8011 wrote:

This is very embarrassing but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

My girlfriend and I are in our mid 20s and have been going out for over a year. The problem is she's terrified of touching me and me ejaculating. She's a virgin, I'm not. She has no problem with me touching her but won't do anything to me. She's on the pill (for non sexual reasons).

I love her but this is getting me quite down at this point as I do not wish us to break up however I'm only human and feel I've been quite patient up to now. She was raised very strictly and has little experience (sexually) with men and seems to be terified of any fluids coming out of me.

Wow going out for a over a year and you havent slept with her ? Well fair play to you because its not like your 18 and you obviously do love her & respect her enough to be still in the relationship......

Have u sat her down and told her how you feel & that you ARE only human? Jesus surely she must know that most people in their mid 20's are enjoying sex with their partners...Im surprised that you have not sat her down many many times to discuss this...... There could be perhaps something in her past that maybe she has not told you......

You really need to tell her how you feel before you do break up with her! Cos thats the way its heading if things dont change! Your a young lad in your 20's who hasnt had sex in a year???? Not an ideal situation.

Good Luck!

LegacyUser

When i was younger my first boyfriend pretty much forced me into giving him a hand job and it made me feel sick thinking about it for a long time cause i trusted him and didnt like feeling forced. I wouldnt have touched a man like that for years, eventually i fell in love with someone and we talked about it and worked through it and im fine now.

LundiMardi

Forced? Did he hold your hand while you did it or something? Ever heard of the word No?

Anyway, yeah, OP, talk to her, not us.

dr.bollocko

LundiMardi wrote:

Forced? Did he hold your hand while you did it or something? Ever heard of the word No?

Anyway, yeah, OP, talk to her, not us.

:eek:
Now there's sympathy for you.

PeterJL

I'm not a mod but Lundi's remarks are extremely unhelpful.
We have to accept the bona fides of the user "forced" who
was trying to throw light on the situation based on a very
personal experience.

For the OP I think you may need to find out from your partner
whether their issue with semen (I don't think we are talking
about any other bodily fluids here) is rooted in a slightly
irrational fear of getting pregnant from very basic intimacy
or if it is some kind of belief that every sperm is sacred
or if it is because of some bad prior experience which she
may be very afraid of sharing with you.

Just as a matter of interest how did she express her fear
of you coming ? Is it something you surmised indirectly or
did she say something like "I'm not going to be able to cope
if you cum ?"

<P>

LegacyUser

Sorry for being a weak person when i was younger. This was my first boyfriend, i had really low self confidence and thought if i didnt do everything he wanted he would leave me and i would never get another one. You obviously dont know what it feels like to be controlled.

PeterJL

forced wrote:

Sorry for being a weak person when i was younger. This was my first boyfriend, i had really low self confidence and thought if i didnt do everything he wanted he would leave me and i would never get another one. You obviously dont know what it feels like to be controlled.

forced - you don't need to be apologising on any account.
I would say the majority of people can empathise with you on having
had to put up with that episode when you were younger.
Controlling behaviour is basically abusive. Most likely the guy
involved was selfish and immature - it's great that you found
a much more affectionate trustful partner later.

I've been in a relationship where my partner appears to have
had similar issues about touching me down there, etc. I've never been
able to get to the bottom of whether it was a case of inexperience,
bad experience or strict belief systems. If it was a bad experience
I feel that it is very hard for me to bring that up with her because
I am guessing that with something like that it is best if the affected
person (the girl) brings it up rather than the man trying to suggest
that something unpleasant may have happened to her in the past.

Without prying did you get through it by confiding it with your
newly found trustful partner or did he figure out there was something
and then helped you work through it ?

-P

LegacyUser

I confided in him. I think your right in saying that if he had of asked me was there a problem i would have felt bad.

Ayla

"Sure, she's your girlfriend, and you two are both adults, but she's not required to get you off bceause of it. It's be great if she wanted to but she doesn't and you telling her that you'll leave her otherwise like some have suggested should get you a giant F*** Off! Obviously there are issues there. She needs to work through them and pressuring her or telling her you'll leave isn't exactly the way to go about it."

Singing Cherry, I mainly agree with what you've said here. Sex (or any other intimate act) is incredibly personal, and it's a gift that each individual brings to the relationship. It's a gift, not an expectation.

OP, I'm going to assume you've talked to your GF about all this, and you are entitled to feel let down with her unwillingness to touch you. As Ickle said, if my hubby didn't want to touch me but let me touch him I'd feel slighted too.

But the point is that intimacy should never be expected - it should be enjoyed when it's offered voluntarily. Telling her she must touch you or you'll be forced to leave is unfair to her and to the relationship. You have been very patient with her, and I'm sure she feels very guilty in her own way, but obviously this is something that'll need some work. So basically you just need to decide if your feelings for her are strong enough to work through this issue.

If you're going to let your sexual needs override the feelings you have for her then it's time to let go of the relationship.

dr.bollocko

I think that its not as easy as what you're saying. I dont think the guy has any interest in forcing sex on the girl.
He wants her to want to sleep with him, which is a different thing.
And, I think, for most people in that situation, there is a limit to what you can take of that sort of behaviour. For some people its weeks, some years.
Its not that its the girlfriend's fault, but basically if that side of the relationship isnt moving forward in any way, its either time to face the problem with the girl, or hit the road.

Ickle Magoo

dr.bollocko wrote:

I dont think the guy has any interest in forcing sex on the girl. He wants her to want to sleep with him, which is a different thing.

Exactly what I was about to say...

Ayla

Yes, I understand the difference b/w sleeping with (ie: being intimate with) someone versus forcing sex. I certainly never implied that the OP was trying to force the gf to be intimate. But implying "change or I have to leave" does sound a bit manipulative, and it's certainly not a good way to help the gf to trust him...it's a fine line between being honest to yourself and being unfair to the partner.

My point was that any sort of physical behaviour is a decision each individual in a relationship must make. Either the OP can deal with the gf's decision or not. And if he can't deal with it (by helping her feel comfortable, etc) then he has to decide if the relationship's worth it.

Regardless, this is truly a conversation the OP needs to be having with the gf, not a bunch of strangers online who only know half the story.

Ickle Magoo

I think if they have been going out over a year & she refuses to touch him then the OP telling her the truth as to the gravity of their situation can't really do any more harm to their relationship...

Regardless, this is truly a conversation the OP needs to be having with the gf, not a bunch of strangers online who only know half the story.

Best advice so far!

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

Look, this is really simple. She is either satisfying you or not so its a case of move on or dont.

Personally, if it has been that long with no contact that you crave, I would have been outta there a LONG time ago.

It surprises me sometimes how people can be in a relationship and take take take on any level and not reciprocate. Bah :mad:

K-

Shes sounds petrified of his mister! give her a break! but I agree. If you're in a relationship it should be an equal partnership. Both giving - both receiving. You say you love her which is great and you seem to see that it's not all about the sex! I would talk to her and tell her how you feel and take her hand and guide her. As said before, slowly explore each others bodies. If, after talking to her, she still refuses to please her you've got to make a decision.

oulu

Of course she wants to touch you ,you need to talk to her the way you have here, maybe strip down to your shorts and let her massage you first, this should give her a start, she is nervous in case she does it wrong having not done it before I'm thinking, so chat about it maybe go away for the weekend and see what happens.

0utshined

ilovefood wrote:

Shes sounds petrified of his mister!

She shouldn't though, it just wants to be friends!

A couple of posters have talked about how it should be equal. Maybe I'm picking that up wrong but i'm not sure on that, it sounds to me like "If you do X then I'll do Y". It's not a scorecard, there could be some things the girl really doesn't want to do and the OP can decide for himself whether the relationship is worth foregoing them.

However the fact that the girl is unwilling to reciprocate in any way it all is a big big problem. She should recognise this herself and want to fix it. If she doesn't the OP needs to tell her : "This is a problem for me". It's not about forcing her or anything like that and you're going to have to take it slow. If you've put up with this for a year you're probably okay with that. But she needs to know that this is an issue for you and you need it sorted.

If she refuses to accept the problem or agree to work on fixing it then bail man, it's not worth it. You're young and there's plenty more girls out there.