Will I wont I

LegacyUser

OK the deal is I met a guy. 3 months ago. EXACTLY like each other. He is not one bit romantic. Very tight when it comes to putting his hand in his pocket. that just the way he is.. See him every weekend with out fail. not much contact during the week.. Wednesday without fail. Thursday and Friday to make arrangements. Spend all Friday night Saturday night Saturday after noon. Sometimes Saturday night if not Sunday. But he isn’t my boyfriend. we said that we didn’t want anything at the start but 3 months it something now.. I like him. I told him. He said he likes me. BUT my mate saw him with a girl. He didn’t see her. the weren’t touching or talking much.. No physical contact. Then she went over and said hi when he was at the bar. She asked who she was and he said a mate but wouldn’t introduce. She OBVIOUSLY told me. But I didn’t say a word. After all we had agreed it was nothing serious (but again 3 months) so he asked if my mate said anything to me and I said yes and explained that it was unfair of me to pry as we had the agreement. He said he wasn’t seeing anyone and if he was he would say and for me to do the same. agreed.. but.. I’m falling for him. Should I just back out? He is a smooth one. Most girls like him a lot. So I don’t want to feed his ego by confessing.

Caryatnid

Unreggi wrote:

OK the deal is I met a guy. 3 months ago. EXACTLY like each other. He is not one bit romantic. Very tight when it comes to putting his hand in his pocket. that just the way he is.. See him every weekend with out fail. not much contact during the week.. Wednesday without fail. Thursday and Friday to make arrangements. Spend all Friday night Saturday night Saturday after noon. Sometimes Saturday night if not Sunday. But he isn’t my boyfriend. we said that we didn’t want anything at the start but 3 months it something now.. I like him. I told him. He said he likes me. BUT my mate saw him with a girl. He didn’t see her. the weren’t touching or talking much.. No physical contact. Then she went over and said hi when he was at the bar. She asked who she was and he said a mate but wouldn’t introduce. She OBVIOUSLY told me. But I didn’t say a word. After all we had agreed it was nothing serious (but again 3 months) so he asked if my mate said anything to me and I said yes and explained that it was unfair of me to pry as we had the agreement. He said he wasn’t seeing anyone and if he was he would say and for me to do the same. agreed.. but.. I’m falling for him. Should I just back out? He is a smooth one. Most girls like him a lot. So I don’t want to feed his ego by confessing.

What's the problem here?
My understanding: A guy you are seeing, but not going out with (it's not serious), was beside a girl that he wasn't touching or even hardly talking to. So what?

Black Swan

Not sure there is a future in this relationship, as you have described it.

gerTheGreat

Clearly you want something out of this, (an exclusive relationship?). Tell him. If he doesn't want the same thing, end it. There's no point in having this sort of half relationship

kittenkiller

Decide what you want from him.
Figure out at what cost you want it.
Are you willing to go on with things as they are? Or are you edging towards the all or nothing side of things?
Then talk to him about it.
See how he feels.
If you're falling for him then forget pandering to his ego and concentrate on being open with him.

Best of luck.

Talliesin

Right. You're clearly not happy with things the way they are.

A relationship like the type you have can be lots of fun. They can be more than fun, and while some people may not see it, they can indeed be fulfilling even if they aren't a direct basis for a long-term "Relationship" with a capital R. Good company and great sex are two of the best things you can have in this life, and not something to dismiss as "meaningless" (you haven't actually said you were having sex with him, but if my assumption is wrong, good company is still good in itself).

It can be the case that such a relationship can be the start of something deeper. About a year ago I was in a just-lovers-not-boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Now we're engaged (yippee!!). On the other hand it could have gone differently; and if one person in such a relationship falls in love and the other doesn't, then there's going to be some heart-break, and if that person is falling deeper and deeper in love while waiting for the other person to catch up, and they don't, then it's going to mean even more heartbreak.

You clearly aren't happy with where you are. That you're getting suspicious while you aren't even meant to be monogamous means that for a start you obviously do want to be monogamous, and it indeed goes further than that - if things were exactly as they are, except that the agreement changed so that neither of you could take other lovers, I doubt you'd be happy with that.

It's part of the deal with these sort of relationships that they come to an end at some point, and it would seem to be time to let that happen in this case.

The question is, what happens after this relationship comes to an end - do you just go your separate ways, or do you move on to a different kind of relationship with each other?

So far you've told him you "like" him. Well, I would damn well hope you like him. The question is, do you love him, or at least are you falling in love with him.

Not telling him in case you "feed his ego" seems silly. It certainly does feed my ego when my partner tells me she loves me - here's this hot woman who makes my pulse race and whose company I deeply enjoy and she's telling me she loves me, woohoo! Having your ego fed by something which is in itself a good thing, is good. I want the people I love (whether in the way I love my partner or the way I love my children and my friends) to know that I love them and to feel good about my loving them. Ego-feeding is only a bad thing if the source of that is negative (e.g. getting ego-boo by bullying someone) or if it leads to arrogance.

Okay, so if you tell him how you feel, it could go badly. Sadly that's the risk when you fall in love however you come to it.

You could just back out, and save yourself a bit of an ego-bruising by not having to hear him confirm that he doesn't feel the same way, but you'll never be entirely sure and you won't save yourself that much heartbreak.

Tell him how you feel, and that you want to change to a monogamous relationship with him as your boyfriend. If that's not going to work for him, then it's not and it's going to hurt but it'll hurt more than that if you stay as you are waiting for him to feel the same way. If it is going to work for him, well then you've got the same challenges and opportunities as any other new couple, so good luck.

Kell

Talliesin wrote:

Not telling him in case you "feed his ego" seems silly.

Nearly what I said.

OP- at the end of the day you are unsure of what this guy feels for you. ASK him then. It really is that easy (TM).

If it goes well, woo hoo. If not, you have an answer either way and bye bye goes the stress of worrying about it.

K-

Talliesin

Kell wrote:

OP- at the end of the day you are unsure of what this guy feels for you. ASK him then. It really is that easy (TM).

Well, I think she would have to be a bit forthcoming, in that there is a risk that if he does have feelings for her beyond the parameters of the current relationship he may be worried that telling them to her might set her to running away screaming.

LegacyUser

Let's see ...

U say that he is not one bit romantic.
And that he is as tight as a duck's arse.

So, what are his good qualities then that
make U attracted to him ?

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

Right. You're clearly not happy with things the way they are.

A relationship like the type you have can be lots of fun. They can be more than fun, and while some people may not see it, they can indeed be fulfilling even if they aren't a direct basis for a long-term "Relationship" with a capital R. Good company and great sex are two of the best things you can have in this life, and not something to dismiss as "meaningless" (you haven't actually said you were having sex with him, but if my assumption is wrong, good company is still good in itself).

It can be the case that such a relationship can be the start of something deeper. About a year ago I was in a just-lovers-not-boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Now we're engaged (yippee!!). On the other hand it could have gone differently; and if one person in such a relationship falls in love and the other doesn't, then there's going to be some heart-break, and if that person is falling deeper and deeper in love while waiting for the other person to catch up, and they don't, then it's going to mean even more heartbreak.

You clearly aren't happy with where you are. That you're getting suspicious while you aren't even meant to be monogamous means that for a start you obviously do want to be monogamous, and it indeed goes further than that - if things were exactly as they are, except that the agreement changed so that neither of you could take other lovers, I doubt you'd be happy with that.

It's part of the deal with these sort of relationships that they come to an end at some point, and it would seem to be time to let that happen in this case.

The question is, what happens after this relationship comes to an end - do you just go your separate ways, or do you move on to a different kind of relationship with each other?

So far you've told him you "like" him. Well, I would damn well hope you like him. The question is, do you love him, or at least are you falling in love with him.

Not telling him in case you "feed his ego" seems silly. It certainly does feed my ego when my partner tells me she loves me - here's this hot woman who makes my pulse race and whose company I deeply enjoy and she's telling me she loves me, woohoo! Having your ego fed by something which is in itself a good thing, is good. I want the people I love (whether in the way I love my partner or the way I love my children and my friends) to know that I love them and to feel good about my loving them. Ego-feeding is only a bad thing if the source of that is negative (e.g. getting ego-boo by bullying someone) or if it leads to arrogance.

Okay, so if you tell him how you feel, it could go badly. Sadly that's the risk when you fall in love however you come to it.

You could just back out, and save yourself a bit of an ego-bruising by not having to hear him confirm that he doesn't feel the same way, but you'll never be entirely sure and you won't save yourself that much heartbreak.

Tell him how you feel, and that you want to change to a monogamous relationship with him as your boyfriend. If that's not going to work for him, then it's not and it's going to hurt but it'll hurt more than that if you stay as you are waiting for him to feel the same way. If it is going to work for him, well then you've got the same challenges and opportunities as any other new couple, so good luck.

All good advice.. I was thinkin along the same lines but i just needed to hear it from someone else.. Thanks for that.. hmmm... I think I am falling for him alright.... yes he is as tight as a ducks arse and yes he is un romantic but.... thats him.. I still like him.. Ill wait till the right time and and drop somethin in.. thanks again oh wise ones

LegacyUser

I reckon some guys will take a mile if offered an inch and it sounds like you have given this guy a fairly free ride, so to speak. Thats all well and good but after 3 months it is time to see some commitment in my opinion.

Are you sure he is intentionally tight with his money? Maybe he feels there is no need for him to buy you drinks and gifts. Are you both earning similar wages? Do you go dutch on everything?

If he is not able to commit to you after 3 months I suspect he is not 100% about this.

Most girls fancy him? OK hes a bit of a cutie, but does he have all the qualitys that will keep you happy in the longer scheme of things? If yes, then great, but dont let him walk all over you. Maybe a little kick up the arse will give him a push in the right direction.

Dragan

NortSoide wrote:

Let's see ...

U say that he is not one bit romantic.
And that he is as tight as a duck's arse.

So, what are his good qualities then that
make U attracted to him ?

Bingo, i reckon the OP is very young??? I might be missing on that but am pretty sure i am not.

OP, sounds to me like a purely physical thing and you might be better off calling it a day???

Talliesin

bored dude wrote:

I reckon some guys will take a mile if offered an inch and it sounds like you have given this guy a fairly free ride, so to speak.

No, sounds more like he's taken and given an inch, and the OP wants to be taking and giving a mile.

John Mason

NortSoide wrote:

Let's see ...

U say that he is not one bit romantic.
And that he is as tight as a duck's arse.

So, what are his good qualities then that
make U attracted to him ?

you hit the nail on the head there. why do you fancy him? he has told you out straight that he is not interested in a relationship. he probably does like you as a mate with the free extras. if he fancied you you might get a bit of romance out of him and why would he spend money on you if you are not his GF? if you cant accept being friends with him, you should get out ........i think he has made it very clear that he isnt interested in you as a girlfriend

Miss Fluff

Sounds like a classic f8ck buddy situation to me. Great at the early stages of gay abandon but messy when one party starts falling for the other. You have been seeing this guy casually (I presume as lovers) and the presumption of him being with someone else has been the catalyst in realising that you actually like him more than you realised and crave exclusivity AND the possibility of an actual relationship.

Just be honest with yourself. If you are happy enough to carry on seeing him casually and meeting up for regular sex while not being exclusive then carry on as normal. If you have found yourself falling for him perhaps it's time to lay your cards on the table. If it's not reciprocated move on with a bruised ego rather then a broken heart.