Depressed. Pretty much hate myself...

LegacyUser

I really dont know what good this is gonna do but i just wanna share my problem and i cant talk with anyone i know so this is the only way. I have posted here before on pretty much the same thing but more on differant aspects of my depression (if that makes sense) so id really like to try to cover the whole thing.
Okay so as you can see the Title says it all really, but im gonna get into it and explain the best i can (although im not very smart). I am a 17yr old guy and it all started in my early teens. I developed this strange feeling and way of thought (somewhere around age 13/14) which gave me great sadness and thoughts of utter hopelesness for my future. It seemed/seems to get worse everyday. I will point out now that this feeling is very hard to put into words so i will try so hard to explain it. There are loads of different aspects to it, i basically feel like a loser. I was always i screw up and used to do stupid things and have things happen to me that would never happen to anyone else which made me feel like an 'odd one out'. I felt and feel very lonely cause of this. I was verbally bullied during my pre to early teens. Not that much though, but still enough to fill me with great sadness and most of all hatred.
Something that is a major contribution, and just started in my mid teens (14-now), is my looks. I dont consider myself to be ugly but i pretty much hate myself myself for not being good-looking and feel miserable about it each and every day. Of course i wish i was good looking to get nice looking girls. I have never had a girlfriend. Worst of all is when ever i see a movie with a really hot female actor (usually in their 20's) who i get a crush on i feel increadibly (probly worst) down and depressed knowing that i will never be able to be with her. This happens every once in a while but it digs into me. I get terribley jealous of all the blessed good looking male actors/musicians being with all these incredable actresses. I am a talented oldies guitarist myself and get miserable over the fact that i will never be famous in the future (which i want so dearly). See everything kinda links together, i want to become famous so then i can have a chance to be with famous, good looking women.
Once again ill remind you that im stupid so its frustrating that i cant explain things the way i want to... I consider myself a very shy person who wants to be alone alot. I do have friends (my band) but theyre barely ever free cause of school and such. I dropped out of school (well at least for this yr) and so that increased my loneliness.
As for suicide. I dont like to consider myself suicidle but there have times where i was close. Basically im a coward when it comes to that although it may happen in the future. I will go into that deeper if you want. To make things clearer, I pretty much hate myself and my future so i dont have much concern for my life and would'nt really mind it ending... I really wish i was someone else you know. Could start a new life. Thanks for reading and i hope to get some replies.

Seraphina

so all your depression is based around the fact that you dont think you're good looking and you wont be able to get hot actress girlfriends

what a load of bollocks. your depressed cause you base your happiness in life on superficial ****. maybe when you grow up and learn that there are more things to life that getting with hot actresses you wont be depressed.

Odysseus

It sounds to me and you say it youself mate, you have a lot to talk about, would you not consider seeing a counsellor or a therapist, there you will have a space to explore what's going on for you in a safe environment. Good therapy is about you beening able to put words on your thoughts and experiences, as opposed to them milling around your head.

By going to a therapist, it will take time, but it will allow your to explore your life, take stock of it, and move on from there, most importantly, you can do this in a place where you won't be judged. Best of luck with it mate.

Laslo

Hmm. A bit harsh.

First of all, stop beating yourself up over not being able to get a hot looking actress girlfriend. You're in the same position as 99.9% of most non-depressed men. As Seraphina said, it's all a load of superficial bollox. You'll learn that as you get older. I spent years going out with stunning women and wasn't happy at all. In fact, being that shallow made me miserable for a good while so be careful what you wish for!

As for hating yourself, well if you're that bad you should really see a professional psychiatrist and get a little help getting to the bottom of what's really causing your anxiety.

Dub_Ster

the bullinging part i can relate to , but il put it like this feel sorry for them as they had to make them selves feel good about them selves bye giveing u greef , no one should go threw that i did to but i allways look at it this way , its givein me strength thicker skin , made me less breakeable i think...

the women part...

man women dont care how you look , they only care about who you are , even tho the majority of women now adays are really crazy and really damaged....:( which is a shame ...

as for hot women they can be the most anoying of all women

LegacyUser

I was expecting no one would really understand fully but no most of you are trying to help and most ppl here are not therapists so i know your just helping me out and i appreciate it. As usual i say the wrong dam things and i didnt mean to say it in that way. I am NOT feeling depressed cause i cant get a hot actress, this is just a really hard thing to explain and i was just trying to emphasize on the fact that i hate my looks and the fact that im not good looking. I can never get over the affects of bulling cause all i seem to get when i try and express my problems is abuse as proven here....

Tha Gopher

NoLifeAhead wrote:

Something that is a major contribution, and just started in my mid teens (14-now), is my looks. I dont consider myself to be ugly but i pretty much hate myself myself for not being good-looking and feel miserable about it each and every day. Of course i wish i was good looking to get nice looking girls. I have never had a girlfriend. Worst of all is when ever i see a movie with a really hot female actor (usually in their 20's) who i get a crush on i feel increadibly (probly worst) down and depressed knowing that i will never be able to be with her. This happens every once in a while but it digs into me. I get terribley jealous of all the blessed good looking male actors/musicians being with all these incredable actresses.

You get jealous? Yeah, Id love to look like Pete Doherty or Johnny Depp (honestly, Depp in interviews seems to be one cool, laid back sound motherfcuker, but the fact remains that he looks homeless, and why women like him looks wise really astounds me)

Dose of reality time. Exactly when or where do you expect to run into Keira Knightley? When shes down the local nightclub slaughtered drunk on 15 WKDs? Get a grip man. Seems to me you are focusing all your attention on the famous, and less on the beautiful non famous. ffs, the girl who sits a few desks away from me in work is 20 times better than Kate Moss or Kylie (both overrated *spits*). As is the girl I brought to the debs, or dozens of others I know (although, in fairness, the list who are hotter than the beautiful Keira is substantially smaller, shes just a different level ) Jesus man, enough of the Avid Merrion I ****ing love shalabrotys, go for a real bird.

hullaballoo

Look, hot girls are a figment of their own imagination. There's absolutely no such thing as a girl who's too hot for you. Once you carry yourself in the right way, there's no problem. Honestly, you could be with Jessica Alba if you just let yourself think so beforehand.

This is one are where I have no sympathy for men, and a lot for girls. An ugly guy can be with the best-looking girl in the world if he applies himself properly. It doesn't do a vice versa, usually.

Edit: Just to expand a little: I have felt as you do. I can honestly say that I'm not an attractive guy. Not in the least bit. At the same time, I've had some incredibly attractive girlfriends. It's really to do with your confidence. Maybe you need to get yours up and if so, talk to someone. Maybe it's there already, but you just need an outlet? I don't know. This is just my experience.

Caryatnid

OP. I think most of your emotions are pretty typical to teenage depression, and I think pretty much all of us went through feelings like this at around 14/15/16/whatever.

I think you're being very silly as far as 'hot girls' are concerned.

First of all: people in the entertainment business are caked with make-up, have paid 1000s for pros to do them up, dress them, style their hair etc, and the only time you see them is when the lighting is perfect on them, and they're airbrushed.

Second of all: Who really wants to be with a 'hot girl' just because she's good looking. No balanced person. You fancy someone because of lots of reasons, to want to be with someone just because they are hot and famous is ridiculous. Yeah, sure, in *fantasy land*, but in real life, we fancy people because of loads of different reasons, and when you're in love with someone, you think they're beautiful anyway.

I reckon you are too hung up on looks. This is probably why you care that you are not good-looking (in your opinion). Normal people don't judge so much on that. Yes, we do, when we look at famous people/models etc, but not in real life.

Hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Black Swan

Stop beating up on yourself and start seeking solutions. In a way you have already started this process by sharing in your post.

NoLifeAhead wrote:

I am NOT feeling depressed cause i cant get a hot actress, this is just a really hard thing to explain and i was just trying to emphasize on the fact that i hate my looks and the fact that im not good looking.

Looks are in the eye of the beholder. Personality, sense of humour, and a positive attitude count more. Maybe you should chat with someone who is qualified to offer a little guidance along the way? Help you discover the valuable person that dwells inside?

NoLifeAhead wrote:

I can never get over the affects of bulling cause all i seem to get when i try and express my problems is abuse as proven here....

I was bullied when younger. Took kickboxing and now taekwondo. One day I decked a bully. Now I am not bullied anymore. More importantly, when training in taekwondo, I benefited from an improved sense of self-esteem by overcoming my fears while mastering a matrial art. I became more disciplined and goal oriented. MA is not for everyone, but it has helped many. If interested, you can post an enquiry on the Self-Defense and Martial Arts forum under Sports on these boards.

Something else. You are a musician. I have know a few. Dated one for awhile. The ones I knew did not take very good care of themselves. They had poor diets, drank too much, smoked, did recreational drugs, didn't exercise, and had poor sleeping habits. All these things can add up to affect the way you feel both physically and mentally. The good news, if you start correcting these things, it can help you to feel better about yourself and the challenges you face.

LegacyUser

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Stop beating up on yourself and start seeking solutions. In a way you have already started this process by sharing in your post.

Looks are in the eye of the beholder. Personality, sense of humour, and a positive attitude count more. Maybe you should chat with someone who is qualified to offer a little guidance along the way? Help you discover the valuable person that dwells inside?

I was bullied when younger. Took kickboxing and now taekwondo. One day I decked a bully. Now I am not bullied anymore. More importantly, when training in taekwondo, I benefited from an improved sense of self-esteem by overcoming my fears while mastering a matrial art. I became more disciplined and goal oriented. MA is not for everyone, but it has helped many. If interested, you can post an enquiry on the Self-Defense and Martial Arts forum under Sports on these boards.

Something else. You are a musician. I have know a few. Dated one for awhile. The ones I knew did not take very good care of themselves. They had poor diets, drank too much, smoked, did recreational drugs, didn't exercise, and had poor sleeping habits. All these things can add up to affect the way you feel both physically and mentally. The good news, if you start correcting these things, it can help you to feel better about yourself and the challenges you face.

I have thought about getting help (therepists and such) but when i think about it i feel that wont do any good for me. I think its due to the fact that my feeling is too difficult to explain. Thats something that in turn makes me miserable. I am unable to let someone understand exactly how i feel and probably never will... Everytime i try to describe it i usually get told that its just normal depression or a phase but its not, its something that i believe is unique and only i have this burden. I wish i was a normal person, with normal thoughts and feelings instead of being the odd one out in the world.... What i described just there is closer and deeper into the feeling than what ive described before. I know that alone is not going to make anyone understand fully how i feel and as i said that upsets me but i did explain a small part of it.

What i think i want most of all (my dream) is to be a famous young musician who is known and respected. I would trade anything to get a couple of years of that. I wouldnt care if i died shortly after (which i would trade for fame if i could), i just want to get respect and be remembered. I feel i am a very talented and gifted musician and have been told so by many ppl who have seen me play at gigs. I dont play all the crap thats around now (punk, metal, pop). I play what i believe has more feeling and requires more skill. Its all blues infuenced guitar soloing that i do. If that dream was fulfilled i would be proven wrong about what i think about myself and believe i'd be happy. Right now im just trying so hard to get you guys to understand.

homeOwner

NoLifeAhead wrote:

I am NOT feeling depressed cause i cant get a hot actress, this is just a really hard thing to explain and i was just trying to emphasize on the fact that i hate my looks and the fact that im not good looking. I can never get over the affects of bulling cause all i seem to get when i try and express my problems is abuse as proven here....

First of all you are only 14. It may seem to you like the world is falling down because of this one thing in your life i.e. the fact that you think you are not good looking. Its only natural to be consumed with your looks and compare yourself to the hot guys in mags and on tv but honestly, you probably wont believe this now but none of that really matters in the real world. It just doesnt and most girls will tell you that its a guy's personality that makes him attractive and not his looks. Fair enough an equally superficial girl might be with a guy purely because of looks but once you're past your mid 20s or so that all doesnt matter.

Its called growing up. You are too young to realise what is really important in life and look around you.....there are loads and loads of not classically good looking guys but they all seem to get girls.

Its just the phase of life you are in at the moment and you will have a different perspective in a couple of years. Dont be too hard on yourself. I am more concerned with the fact that you are not going to school at the moment - that is a sure way to end up without any money or job in the future.....a surefire way to turn the chicks off.

Dub_Ster

NoLifeAhead wrote:

What i think i want most of all (my dream) is to be a famous young musician who is known and respected. I would trade anything to get a couple of years of that. I wouldnt care if i died shortly after (which i would trade for fame if i could), i just want to get respect and be remembered.

I feel i am a very talented and gifted musician and have been told so by many ppl who have seen me play at gigs. I dont play all the crap thats around now (punk, metal, pop). I play what i believe has more feeling and requires more skill. Its all blues infuenced guitar soloing that i do. If that dream was fulfilled i would be proven wrong about what i think about myself and believe i'd be happy. Right now im just trying so hard to get you guys to understand.

ok thats a farely resonable dream to have and i dont see why you cant do it . if you put in the work ule get noticed. any body can do more or less anything they want to do if they work at it ule get it but the music industry aint a great one to be in drugs fake ass women long long kong hours sitting in a studio trying to geta guitar solo can take two or three days alone ... all ya gotta do is work at it if you want that life .....

as for the women and bullying problem..

go talk to some one youde be suprised at how better you will feel , trust me i got my head kicked in for near 10yrs till i finished school , i no how it feels to be a victim of some one else's anger and hurt , but think of it this way ...

You say you want to be rich famous and sucessfull you say you want the women and everything that shines with it !

Look at cristina aguleara she had a very hard time as a kid , but look at her now shes one of the most beautifull women in the world shes a cracking singer and genrally done very well for her self and yes in her past it was hard but the hard times give us strength for further on in life when we need it


Now stop thinkin negitively about your self , and start lookin more positive about things

LegacyUser

homeOwner wrote:

First of all you are only 14.

Im not 14. Im 17. Sorry maybe i wasnt clear in my first post. I mentioned a part of my life when i was 14 although i did say im 17 now.

Love2love

My brother use to feel like this, in fact when I read your post I thought for a minute you could be my brother and I kind of understand where you are coming from. He use to think that he was so ugly and it seemed that this was the only way he could describe his drepression although it was much more deep-rooted. My brother actually is very cute but no matter who told him this or how many times he heard it, he couldn't believe it. He was bullied also and desperately done everything to fit in and because he didn't he blamed how he looked.
We tried everything, counsellors, the works and everytime he would say that they didn't understand. How could they understand, if he didn't???? He was roughly around the same age as you but as he grew he learned to express his individuality and this worked for him. Instead of trying to be like everyone else, he tried to be different. I can even remember the turning point. Now he realises that by being different, he IS the same as everyone else. Now he is a different person. I'm not saying that you are in the same situation as my brother and what worked for him doesn't mean it will work for you but it shows you that others have been through something similar and that there is a way out.

LegacyUser

Its good to know that someone with a similar problem to mine got through their ordeal and im glad your brother worked out. It does give me a bit of hope when i hear about ppl who have overcome their depression but i still cant be confident i will overcome mine.

I was never slagged about my looks but i have asked attractive girls out before and been rejected which really got my down and still clings to me. The embaressment i suffered from this was and is terrible. One girl was pretty much in my band so you can see... She told the band members and even spread it around in school (i had been out of school before this). When i was around 14/15 i was supposedely going out with one girl but she had no time for me at all and anytime she did have available it would have to be around all her drunk friends. I broke up with her cause of this. Nothing seems to go right for me like it does for everyone else.

Op you play guitar and sing?(my angels clears the house )
God I wish I could do that...

To be honest with you,75% of your problem seems like its hormonal.
At 17 you think its much more than that,it isnt.

You need to relax and find things to look foward to.
Off to college with you,it doesnt matter where as long as its something you enjoy.Make friends,dont concentrate on getting the perfect girl,ask a few out.
Talk to them all,some of them are bound to like you.
If you only make 4 or 5 good friends or even one from the first 50 you're on a winner.

Incidently,Go for some of the talent shows and see how you get on.Look at some of the people that get in front of Cowell,Osborne and walsh... surely you'd get somewhere in that-half the people that make the tv show have no talent at all.

DirkVoodoo

Well, you've pretty much described 99% of guys out there, myself included. Yes, not all of us will date supermodels in our life time or tour the world and make millions. Unfortunately thats life, but the important thing is you are not alone.

You need to start accepting who you are and then people will do the same. Girls like confidence and sense of humour over the "Brad Pitt". You're a musician, you have a talent and the only way you can become a success is if you work and try hard, it won't come to you if you wait for it to knock on your door.

The same is true of women, you have to make the effort, most girls (ballbreakers excluded) want to be chased and "play hard to get" to boost their own self esteem and make themselves feel better.

But don't worry, your problem is simply one of confidence. Its time you started believing in yourself.

Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but you only get one life, one chance to live each day, so make the most of it. Forget about girls from the movies, yeah they're hot but you need to focus on meeting girls around you.

LegacyUser

Tristrame wrote:

Op you play guitar and sing?(my angels clears the house )
God I wish I could do that...

I dont sing, and couldnt imagine myself doing so. Play lead guitar. Improvisational blues.

At the moment im not in school so i dont get too enthusiastic about collage as i cant do that without my leaving cert... School is something i never got on with. Not very smart and dont understand things most of the students do so i feel left out. Teachers were always giving crap about not understanding things. Just couldnt hack it and never in the mood to face it. If i was to go to collage i would probably do Music. Theres nothing really for me to look forward to.

Call Me Jimmy

NoLifeAhead wrote:

I really dont know what good this is gonna do but i just wanna share my problem and i cant talk with anyone i know so this is the only way. I have posted here before on pretty much the same thing but more on differant aspects of my depression (if that makes sense) so id really like to try to cover the whole thing.
Okay so as you can see the Title says it all really, but im gonna get into it and explain the best i can (although im not very smart). I am a 17yr old guy and it all started in my early teens. I developed this strange feeling and way of thought (somewhere around age 13/14) which gave me great sadness and thoughts of utter hopelesness for my future. It seemed/seems to get worse everyday. I will point out now that this feeling is very hard to put into words so i will try so hard to explain it. There are loads of different aspects to it, i basically feel like a loser. I was always i screw up and used to do stupid things and have things happen to me that would never happen to anyone else which made me feel like an 'odd one out'. I felt and feel very lonely cause of this. I was verbally bullied during my pre to early teens. Not that much though, but still enough to fill me with great sadness and most of all hatred.
Something that is a major contribution, and just started in my mid teens (14-now), is my looks. I dont consider myself to be ugly but i pretty much hate myself myself for not being good-looking and feel miserable about it each and every day. Of course i wish i was good looking to get nice looking girls. I have never had a girlfriend. Worst of all is when ever i see a movie with a really hot female actor (usually in their 20's) who i get a crush on i feel increadibly (probly worst) down and depressed knowing that i will never be able to be with her. This happens every once in a while but it digs into me. I get terribley jealous of all the blessed good looking male actors/musicians being with all these incredable actresses. I am a talented oldies guitarist myself and get miserable over the fact that i will never be famous in the future (which i want so dearly). See everything kinda links together, i want to become famous so then i can have a chance to be with famous, good looking women.
Once again ill remind you that im stupid so its frustrating that i cant explain things the way i want to... I consider myself a very shy person who wants to be alone alot. I do have friends (my band) but theyre barely ever free cause of school and such. I dropped out of school (well at least for this yr) and so that increased my loneliness.
As for suicide. I dont like to consider myself suicidle but there have times where i was close. Basically im a coward when it comes to that although it may happen in the future. I will go into that deeper if you want. To make things clearer, I pretty much hate myself and my future so i dont have much concern for my life and would'nt really mind it ending... I really wish i was someone else you know. Could start a new life. Thanks for reading and i hope to get some replies.

Well OP, let me tell you that you are not alone, I have the exact same outlook as you and I completely understand how you feel. Unfortunately I can't really offer any advice because I haven't figured it out myself yet.

I think it's just shallowness at its most extreme, tbh I judge people by the way they look first (not saying that it's right to do so).Like for me, at the moment, a person's worth is how well they look and I apply that to myself. And seeing as I find myself ugly I find myself worthless as I guess you do to.

I also understand your reluctance (sp?) to seek professional help because ye feel the root of your problem is your physical ugliness and that nobody can change that.

I'm quite cynical and I don't necessarily buy the whole "a guy can be with any girl he wants" stuff. When people say its all about confidence they sometimes mightnt understand how much you hate yourself and that it is pretty ****ing hard to have confidence when you are genuinely disgusted by what you see in the mirror. It's a bit of a vicious circle.

sorry for going on, your post was just so similar to my general thoughts, just wanted you to know you ain't alone pal.

LegacyUser

You seem to think nobody else feels the same way as you do. For **** sake grow up almost every teenager goes through what you're going through. I'm sorry you got bullied when you were younger (though you don't make it sound like it was serious bullying) but just because you've been rejected by a few 'hot' girls doesn't mean anything. If you got rid of this attitude and stopped woryying about your looks than you'd be grand! You're not alone mate, no guys have ever asked me out or ever fancied me in my whole 15 years of worthless living! haha

Lurk

Most of the posts at the top of the thread weren't very helpful, I feel. As the OP said, it's not really about going out with actresses or whatever, that's just symptom of a lack of self-esteem. OP, please know that most people go through exactly what you do...that old gem about school years being the best time in your life can be rubbish. It's often the hardest time: you have to decide what career to choose, you may be living at home, with little money or independence, and there's so much peer pressure about looking good, picking up women and so on that I don't know how anyone can have an easy time of it.
It does get easier, though, and eventually you wake up one day and realise that you've the confidence to handle anything that life throws at you, that although everyone is different, everyone's opinions and decisions are equal.

Have you got a close relative to talk to perhaps? We've all been through it and anyone would be happy to let you talk, and cry, it all out. Once you do that, you're 99% there.

Regarding all those famous beautiful people, I wouldn't envy them at all, or anyone else, because you never know what demons people have inside their heads when the cameras are turned off.

LegacyUser

Thanks CallMeJimmy. Like i said earlier on its a real comfort to hear from someone who's in a similar state as me and how they deal with it.
''ye feel the root of your problem is your physical ugliness and that nobody can change that.'' Yeah that fact really fuels my sadness because i know that there is nothing at all i can do about my looks and how i am and my life has nothing to offer me... I find it so hard to live with. Thanks again for sharing how you feel.