should be no where near the top of the 'right to be upset' list

LegacyUser

Not really sure why I am posting this unreg, but here goes.
My aunt died yesterday, of a massive heart attack, she just went to sleep, and never woke up.
Now, I wasn't particularly close with her, (but I am not overly close with most people to be honest) but herself and my mam were very close, and there was a time she was almost living in my house
Anyhow, her death was incredibly sudden, and when I got the call, I cried, but not because she was gone, I cried for my mam, and for her kids, cos I could imagine how upset they were.
Now I don't just mean I could understand that they would be upset, I mean I imagined I was them and how I would feel, and the feeling that hit me was over whelming.

Now today, all I can think of is how my aunty felt - I swear, I am nearly crying writing this, but all I can imagine is her, lying in bed asleep, then waking with a massive chest pain, I can see her panic, imagine her grabbing her chest, being afraid, not being able to do anything, being terrified, and dying.

I can feel how scared she must have been, and the feeling I have inside makes me sob everytime the image comes into my mind - it is over powering.

In everyday life, I always do the 'put myself in their shoes' thing, in every aspect of life.
If someone does something sh1t, I put myself in their shoes, to try work out why they did it.
If I do something sh1t on someone I put myself in their shoes to see how I have made them feel.

I would consider this as normally being a good thing, cos it makes me a bit more understanding, and so on.

But I have never applied this outlook to such tragic circumstances.

Now, I don't know if I am being a drama queen, or an attention whore, or if I am trying to make this whole thing all about me, when I should be no where near the top of the 'right to be upset' list - or what the hell I am playing at here.

It is obviously me who is creating these feelings and images in my mind, yet I can't stop doing it, and I can't control the seriously over powering feeling that follows as a result.

I am literally trying to just stop thinking - about any of it - but it's impossible.

To be honest, I am not sure what kinda response I expect from people, I just really needed a place to get the words from my mind onto 'virtual' paper.

Ickle Magoo

I think it would be stranger if you felt nothing tbh...

It's human nature to think about dying & death when someone we know dies - we all consider our own mortality & I think hearing of anothers death just brings those contemplations to the fore.

She lived with you, you can rememeber her living & walking & talking. It's not strange that her death would affect you, upset you or even shock you.

Why don't you get together with your mum & anyone else affected & have a chat with them. I bet they feel the same.

Hope you feel better soon

cance

sympathy and empathy, they dont very nice.

Im very sorry for your loss and i can understand why you are feeling this way, mourning is our way of coping with loss.

greenkittie

What if you do feel nothing? I never felt anything when my Granny died last year, she was a nice person and i saw her regularly throughout my life and when she died i didnt feel sad. I wonder does it make me a bad person?

Ickle Magoo

greenkittie,

No, I don't think it makes you a bad person (whatever that is) - everyone deals with death differently & it affects different people in different ways.

LegacyUser

Ok, can't believe I am saying this out loud (as it where) but I can't help thinking, and I am knocking wood as I write this, that it should be my aunty, if it had to be anyone, it should have been my granny, (don't for one second think that I don't want her around, I feel guilty as hell for even thinking what I am thinking) and then all the brothers and sisters could come together and my aunty (the oldest) could be helping with the arrangement's and they could keep each other strong, and smiling, and they all have their own families to help each of them.
The way it is, my cousins are left with no parents (their dad died about 8 years ago) even though they are grown ups now, they ave no parents, and no husbands/wives (BF's/GF's) to turn to - they have each other though, that's something.
My granny is so upset I am actually afraid it will damage her health.

Things are just Topsy turvy - its not supposed to happen like this.

Faith

OP, I know exactly what you're talking about. I do that too and it's incredibly upsetting. I feel other peoples pain, especially the pain of those who've lost loved ones. I don't know why I do it, or how to stop doing it.

Death is a huge shock, no matter how close you were or weren't to the person. One minute they're there, the next they're gone and aren't coming back. Everybody deals with it in their own way, and this is just your way. It could also be that there's other underlying issues in your life that you haven't dealt with, and all the negative emotions built up from them are pouring out now under this guise. My advice is to just go with it. Cry all you want, until you've gotten it all out. It only does you good. Tomorrow, when you wake up, you'll probably find that you feel a little bit better, and better again the day after and so on. Good luck with it.

Greenkittie - feeling nothing doesn't make you a bad person. It ws just your way of dealing with your Granny's death.

LadyJ

OP,stop beating yourself up here,ok?

Not only did your aunt die,but she died in a way that is very hard for people to accept. She went to sleep and just never woke up. Now,we all hear of things like this happening to people but I can only imagine how distressing it must be for this to happen to someone that you actually know.

It is a frightening thought that a person could just suddenly be cheated out of their life like that. And if that doesn't get you empathising with others then I don't know what will!

The thing is,you feel horrible thinking about your poor aunt and the way she died,not only because you feel sorry for her but also because it is scary to think that the same might happen to you. You empathise with your cousins because you are so sad for their loss but you know also that it is unpleasant to imagine the same thing happening to your own parents.

And it is perfectly normal to feel that way. We relate things back to ourselves when bad things happen because really,all we can be certain of in life is how these things make us feel. Never feel guilty about how you feel because it's never going to be something that you'll be able to change.

Just allow yourself to feel terrible for your family and for yourself. We can't control what happens in life and I know how scary that is to accept. Just let yourself feel the pain of this loss and the pain of all the other feelings triggered by it.

Shyster

OP, I lost a friend at the beginning of last summer. He was only 19 and I think I can empathise with how you feel about almost wishing it were someone else who had gone instead. For want of a better word, I felt when he passed away that there were so many more "deserving" people, people who were older, or had made little impact on the world in comparison to what my friend had. It seems from your posts that you feel like your aunt had a lot of presence and meant more to her family and friends than they realised up until now. Don't beat yourself up for thinking it shouldn't have been her and it should have been someone else, people often think that - you're not the only one. Try not to worry about how she passed, I know it's hard but that thought will fade with acceptance.



Instead of thinking how unfair it all was, we celebrated his life and dedicated many songs to his memory, one of which was "Only the good die young" From your posts, that song seems fitting in your situation.

It will take time, but please don't think that you have no reason to be upset. You do.

Black Swan

It's good that you care. Now you must work through the process of getting over it. The thoughts you are sharing with us is a part of that process. Just talking about it, and how you feel helps.

LegacyUser

Removal is today and funeral is tomorrow.
Can't say I am looking forward to it, but I doubt there is anyone who is.

I have a reading to do tomorrow, so does my little sister.

I wonder what happens to the immediate family after tomorrow, when everyone goes back to their normal lives, how do they cope?

Two of my cousins (my aunts children) are both over 10 years older then me, the other one is only a few years older then me, but he lives with his girlfriend and children, the older two are single and lived at home.

I would like to think I could help take their minds off things somehow.

Not sure how I could help, in the coming months, without 'interfering' or getting in the way.

Any suggestions?

LadyJ

Just let them know that you are there for them all. There's not really much else you can do. Invite them out once in a while for lunch or drinks,offer to babysit etc.

Just lend a hand . Other than that,you have to let them feel their pain. No point trying to help them forget it. Just be around for them as they are going through it and soon things will look up.

Shellie13

talk talk talk!
talk to your family abpout how you feel all the thoughts you've been having dont bottle them!
Its undoubtedly a very upsetting time for all of you so help each other through it!

Victor

unreg4now wrote:

Now today, all I can think of is how my aunty felt - I swear, I am nearly crying writing this, but all I can imagine is her, lying in bed asleep, then waking with a massive chest pain, I can see her panic, imagine her grabbing her chest, being afraid, not being able to do anything, being terrified, and dying.

I'm not sure if thats the case, I understand that if people die in their sleep, it is usually completely painless. Perhaps you could discuss this with someone with medical training, e.g. bring it up the next time you are at the doctor's.