I'm confused/annoyed/worried etc etc...

LegacyUser

Ill try to keep this as short as possible, Not sure what im looking for but i have to get it off my chest....

Ive been going out with my beautiful gf for over a year, We're both 24 and love each other.The problem is when it comes to the sex.......

I am a naturally anxious/paranoid person so i insisted on condoms all the time at the start of the relationship. After a couple of months of this she really got upset about this saying that they were giving her no pleasure whatsoever so finally i agreed to go without them and just rely on the pill. That was fine for about 3 months but they were the worst 3 months EVER for me, thinking about the unthinkable...(pregnancy)
I finally sat her down and said i could not do it anymore and decided to meet her half way (stay on the pill but i would be pulling out).
This has been going fine for the last few months, i finally had peace of mind.

Then at the start of this month we were both a little tipsy and frisky and when i was about to pull out she basically prevented me. I got really annoyed and told her how i felt but she got all upset saying that i was ruining the sex by pulling out.
I just couldnt believe she did that. Now im back to my old self having sleepless nights for the past 2 weeks... and she's barely talking to me cos ive
'been acting strange' recently. Yeah, would you blame me woman!!!!

i have done my research on the combined pill and know it to be a very effective means of contraception but still i need my own peace of mind!

Am i overacting and being too paranoid or should i give her a stern warning not to do something like that again?

Ruu_Old

Perhaps you could ask her if trying some different condoms would help also. I don't know what else you can do if you haven't already explained to her that its wrecking your head. Is she not worried about pregnancy?

Nevyn

Unfortunatly there other then a vacetomy condoms are the only male contraceptive currently advailible.

If you want to be sure of not becoming a father any time soon then you should wear on. You will just have to have it out with your gf and explain that this is how you feel about it and that you will not be having sex with out one and make her understand that this for you is not negotiable.

If she can't respect you and your contraceptive choices then you have to have a look at your realtionship and if you want it to continue.

Have you looked into using spericides ?

sweet-rasmus

you are not overacting. i know that horribly anxious feeling of possible pregnancy; it's really much better if you can avoid those hours and hours of freaking out. not fun at all. play it safe - there's probably a different way she can have pleasure without sex. good luck talking to her.

Talliesin

Used on its own, the pill is a pretty reliable means of contraception. There is no protection from STDs, but as far as your concerns about pregnancy alone goes (i.e., you and your partner know each other's sexual histories and sexual health, and trust each other to be monogamous or latex monogamous) and the pill is used carefully, the degree of protection is very high.

Pulling out does not offer much protection of anything. As a "meeting half-way" it isn't really adding anything - the protection you have is coming mainly from the pill.

Now, some people (whether straight men, straight women or gay men) do not like sex with condoms much. Similarly with pulling out. This is a factor to consider in making contraception choices.

However as well as balancing the different risks of both unwanted pregnancy and contracting STDs, there is also the matter of the peace of mind you both have. She may feel that the pill is enough; that she (whether on good information or not) does not feel there is a risk of one of you catching an STD off the other, and she'd rather enjoy the sensation of penetration without a condom continuing until climax (and have you enjoy the same from your point of view).

From your point of view though, the anxiety over the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy is just as important to you as this is for her.

Neither of these perspectives is wrong, but there is an incompatibility here.

You need to discuss this, from both a practical (risks of pregnancy, risks of STD, sexual history, etc) and emotional (her desire to have sex without barrier contracteption or coitus interruptus, your fears about an unwanted pregnancy) and understand where each other is coming from.

When each of you has that understanding then maybe you can come to an agreement that will satisfy the two of you. Unless one manages to completely and genuinely convince the other (either you become less anxious or she grows to enjoy sex with barrier contracteption more) which is highly unlikely (and for goodness sake, don't pretend you're 100% happy when you aren't - compromises are important but compromises disguised as full agreement are a killer) then this is something you will have to re-examine as a couple on an ongoing basis rather than something you come to a complete agreement on.

iguana

How about using a diaphragm with spermacide in addition to the pill? The diaphragm with spermacide is 98% effective and used with the pill you would be very safe from pregnancy. The main reason I suggest it is that as it is a barrier method you could see it and take part in it's use, whereas with the pill you are a passive user and only have your girlfriends word to make you feel protected. This might help with your peace of mind.

While a diaphragm is a barrier method it doesn't feel the same as a condom and may be a good compromise for you and your girlfriend.

secret_squirrel

Excellent advise from all the previous posters there.

Only one thing to add, I presume you have tried the thinner condoms like durex featherlite etc??? If not may be worth it.

LegacyUser

Ruu wrote:

Is she not worried about pregnancy?

Ya usually its the girl in this situation insisting on condom use.. I asked her this question and she said yes obviously but then she said to stop bringing it up cos it would make her worry too. But in fairness she does take her pill religiously.(so she says!) Basically most of her friends are a lot more experienced than her and she tells me that all of them just use the pill when it comes to sex so i think thats where her reasoning comes from...

Tallesin, thanks for the great advice, really helpful. And the rest of ye.

And yes i know pulling out when on the pill carries almost the same degree of risk as ejaculating inside her but for me it gives peace of mind...

P.s STI's are not an issue, we have been tested.

Is it natural to feel this paranoid about the contraceptive pill when its used by millions as a very safe method of contraception?

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

Nevyn

Unreg163 wrote:

Is it natural to feel this paranoid about the contraceptive pill when its used by millions as a very safe method of contraception?

I was on the pill and took it correctly and still ended up pregnant and hence my eldest child.

Why not look at this from a slightly different angle and tell her that you prefer to come on her rather then in her as it is a sexual preference for you and really gets you off ?

Talliesin

Unreg163 wrote:

Is it natural to feel this paranoid about the contraceptive pill when its used by millions as a very safe method of contraception?

Since we know that no form of contraception is 100% effective, it's not unheard of for people that use a pill and condoms to feel paranoid about it.

If you are having penetrative sex you are taking a risk of getting your partner pregnant, even with the pill andcondoms and a vasectomy and coitus interruptus - not likely, but it can happen.

If there is one thing that people are bad at it's evaluating long term risks in a sensible manner both conciously and subconciously. Our society has gotten relatively good at calculating percentage risks of various things (though sometimes we still get it very wrong) but really those percentages are very useful for insurance underwriters and not really good at giving us a good mental picture of just what risks we are taking. As a rule people tend to highly over-estimate or under-estimate risks (think of how when SARS, Avian Flu, or other contagious diseases are making the headlines people tend to fall into the "ack, it's no big deal" or "ZOMG!!! We're all going to die horribly!!!" attitudes rather than anything in between - when the reality is generally that they are a big deal and kill many people, but are far from a global pandemic).

Really, a lot of our mental risk-processing is better (and still far from perfect) with evaulating more immediate threats.

So in all, yes, it's quite natural for people to feel overly paranoid about the pill, and blow the risk that exists up to a crippling degree, just as it's quite natural for other people to completely dismiss the risks of pregnancy or STDs even when having unprotected penetrative sex.