Confused about best mates sexuality - should I confront him?

whiskeyman

Known this guy for around 7 years and he's one of my best mates.
He's very quirky and the type of bloke you either like, or will detest in some way or another, but I don't mind his sense of humour or zany style.
He has never had a g/f since I've known him and doesn't seem too interested in finding one, but he will try and chat up extememly beautiful looking women on a night out (always to no avail), but he has the courage to do it. I've only seen him snog around 3 women on all our nights out.
He's made some remarks in the past about homosexuality and about "loving me", but I've always passed them off as his quirky sense of humour or him being drunk.
I'm only bringing this up now as another mate happened to mention it at the weekend. I introduced him to another male mate I work with (who's a good looking chap, I've no problem saying that) and apparently he just started nearly in awe and admiration of him all night according to my other mate.
I have a lot of time for this bloke and don't care if he's gay/straight/bi whatever, but I do want him to be comfortable being who he is.
Should I confront him on this?
Other mates and girls have asked me before if he's gay, and I've always said no.
Maybe he's just confused himself? I guess I just don't like other people keep asking me about him like that.
Anyone have a similar situation or can give advice?

free2fly

I wouldn't recommend confronting him about it. If he is gay he will have to come out on his own. It's a very difficult thing for most people to deal with in their own minds. I have a brother who is gay. He didn't come out until he was in his 30s. It was the hardest thing he's ever had to do. I was always suspicious, but I certainly never confronted him about it. His sexual preference was none of my business. That's a very personal thing. But if he does decide to tell you he is gay, be as supportive as you can.

Faith

Aye, it's his business whether he's gay or not. If he is, he'll come out in his own time. Does he know that you're cool with homosexuality? Maybe he's afraid to say anything for fear of being mocked. Perhaps (subtly, but clearly) let it be known that you have no problem with homosexuality.

Chucky the tree

drop the hand and see how he reacts?

Marksie

unless he makes a pass at you there is no need to confront him. Hw will come out, or not ,in his own time. His sexuality is his own and he should be able to acept whatever orientation he is in his own way and at his own speed

azezil

Chucky the tree wrote:

drop the hand and see how he reacts?

lol yeah that'd do it ;P

Nah I wouldn't he'll tell you if or when he's ready to.

chamlis

Are you sure you're not just worried he might have a crush on you?
Something to think about.

Talliesin

What do your gay friends think?

FranknFurter

Just let it be known to him (dont be obvious), that homosexuality does'nt bother you.
Maybe "create" an "old friend who recently got in touch, god I aint heard from him in years! turns out hes gay and is getting one of those gay marraiges in america, isnt that cool!!"

B

The Hill Billy

I'm thinking that "confront" was probably a poor choice of word & probably not what you actually meant.

By all means speak with him about it if you feel that you have the sort of friendship with him that lets you discuss things openly.

You could start along the lines of "One of the girls last night asked me if you were gay. To be honest <name> I had to say that I wasn't sure." You could back this up by mentioning that he's not had a girlfriend in all the time you've known him, or even take the "macho/blokey" angle if it looks like he's taking it bad & say "C'mon - sure when did you last shag a bird?"

Regardless of whether you decide to discuss this with him or not - the most important thing is to be there for him & not be judgmental - even if you feel that he may be living a lie or lying to you about who he is. He may just not be interested in women or men or sex.

craichoe

I've a buddy like this .. i think he's gay but im not sure if he is ... I couldnt really give a sh*t to be honest

Maybe hes a trisexual ..........hmmmmmmmm

The Hill Billy

craichoe wrote:

I've a buddy like this .. i think he's gay but im not sure if he is ... I couldnt really give a sh*t to be honest

Maybe hes a trisexual ..........hmmmmmmmm

I'd suggest that you stick to AH until you're mature enough to contribute to the OP's question. Reported.

LegacyUser

whiskeyman wrote:

I've only seen him snog around 3 women on all our nights out.

As a matter of interest, how many men has he snogged on these nights? If three is so few women as to engage your suspicion... I think you know where i'm going here.

Gordon

Hill Billy wrote:

I'd suggest that you stick to AH until you're mature enough to contribute to the OP's question. Reported.

I'd prefer if craichoe explained what he meant by his statement. Could it be that he doesn't mind what his friend's sexuality is? Although, granted it isn't exactly an answer to the OPs question.

Elessar

I'm a guy and I dont actively pursue girls. I'm not gay either. Some people just aren't into it. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean he must be hanging out of girls all the time.

Do not confront him about it. What if he's bi sexual and not ready to tell people, or worse, you got it wrong and he IS straight. Jesus I'd feel disgusted if one of my mates "confronted" me about it.

Leave him be.

chamlis

Yeah. That's the last thing you want, man. Talk about mortification!
You could pretty much say goodbye to the friendship right there, I reckon.

Beruthiel

whiskeyman
Your friends sexual preference is none of your business unless he wishes it to be.

Magic Pips

He's your friend regardless, and will make decisions only when he is ready.

whiskeyman

Beruthiel wrote:

whiskeyman
Your friends sexual preference is none of your business unless he wishes it to be.

yup, I know this, and I've been this way since I've known him. It's probably all the comments and questions I've got from other mates and people that have met him that's got me thinking. I've always said "no, he's straight", but fewer and fewer are believing me. I nearly feel like a shield, deflecting all the comments.
I guess I just don't know if he realises people have this opinion and view of him.
I've never said "Oh, by the way, X said he thought you were gay" because I wouldn't know how he'd react.


Just to answer other points people brought up:
I've never seen him snog a bloke or chat a bloke up.
A gay mate has actually asked me if he was gay too.

Beruthiel

whiskeyman wrote:

It's probably all the comments and questions I've got from other mates and people that have met him that's got me thinking.

Then you should tell them the same thing, that it's really none of their business. Have your mates nothing better to do with their time other than discuss the sexual preferencs of the people around them? Idle minds....

craichoe

Gordon wrote:

I'd prefer if craichoe explained what he meant by his statement. Could it be that he doesn't mind what his friend's sexuality is? Although, granted it isn't exactly an answer to the OPs question.

Exactly .. It shouldn't matter ... What he does himself or what hes into is his business, its not like hes going to jump you if he's gay.

Its only a big deal if you make a big deal out of it
Let him do whatever he's going to do, he'll bring it up if he wants to

microgirl

whiskeyman wrote:

yup, I know this, and I've been this way since I've known him. It's probably all the comments and questions I've got from other mates and people that have met him that's got me thinking. I've always said "no, he's straight", but fewer and fewer are believing me. I nearly feel like a shield, deflecting all the comments.
I guess I just don't know if he realises people have this opinion and view of him.
I've never said "Oh, by the way, X said he thought you were gay" because I wouldn't know how he'd react.


Just to answer other points people brought up:
I've never seen him snog a bloke or chat a bloke up.
A gay mate has actually asked me if he was gay too.

To echo what some of your other respondents have said, this could describe a friend of mine too. Except my friend hasn't even shifted 3 girls Many people have asked if he's gay, and many people believe he is, regardless of what anyone says. I've had rows with people who are adamant that he's gay, and just doesn't know it himself when I've been telling them that he definitely isn't (due to having asked many years ago, the manner in which the question was asked, and the manner in which he responded)

What they don't seem to grasp is that not everyone is one or the other, or even both. I'm 99% sure that my friend is genuinely Asexual (I've given it a capital A for a reason), that he simply has absolutely no sexual desire at all. For men or women. So just because your friend isn't (or rather may not be) straight, doesn't automatically mean he must be gay

And yeah, not really something that should be brought up except in the most indirect and gentle of manners.

Boston

whiskeyman wrote:

Just to answer other points people brought up:
I've never seen him snog a bloke or chat a bloke up.
A gay mate has actually asked me if he was gay too.

Yea know, that a pretty personal question. I wouldn't be answering those types of questions even if you did know the answer. It's doubtful he would be pleased with you discussing his sexuality with people. It seems you're only interest in "confronting him" because of these people. If it doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter.

Victor

Chucky the tree wrote:

drop the hand and see how he reacts?

Ah yes, sexual harassment, the answer to all our problems. :rolleyes:

Chinafoot

whiskeyman wrote:

He's made some remarks in the past about homosexuality and about "loving me", but I've always passed them off as his quirky sense of humour or him being drunk.

Have to say, this part of your post really stood out for me. Do you think that if your mate does come out it means when he said he loved you he didn't mean it in a platonic way? Gay, straight, bi - some people are just able to show their feelings a lot more than others and I think when alcohol is involved, there's not one of us here that can deny doing the whole "I love you, you're my best mate!" at least once after a few too many.

You sound a little worried that he might fancy you tbh.

whiskeyman wrote:

but I do want him to be comfortable being who he is.

Have you ever felt like he isn't comfortable with who he is? Has he seemed depressed at all? Withdrawn? I'd imagine that after 7 years of a close friendship you'd be able to tell if something was bothering him.

From the description you gave he sounds like a pretty happy and out-going bloke. Maybe he's gay, maybe he isn't. Does it matter? If you are as comfortable with homosexuality as you say you are and if your mate was gay then I'm sure that after such a long friendship he would have discussed this with you if he felt it was necessary to do so. He hasn't, so maybe he doesn't.

whiskeyman wrote:

Should I confront him on this?

No.

I don't see how it affects you. You said yourself that he's one of your best mates and you don't care which way he swings. Why should you let other people's questioning affect you? Next time some nosey git tries to suss out the sexual preferences of somebody you know just say something along the lines of the following:

"It's none of your business, it's none of my business and if you really feel that you need to know the answer to that question you should probably discuss it with xxxx himself."

Kell

whiskeyman wrote:

Known this guy for around 7 years and he's one of my best mates.

:rolleyes:

whiskeyman wrote:

I guess I just don't like other people keep asking me about him like that.
Anyone have a similar situation or can give advice?

Keep your nose out of something thats none of your business. Who cares if he is gay or not?

Are you really sure you are his best mate? I'd be pretty fúckin appalled if my best mate said the same sort of shít about me behind my back.

K-

Marksie

peachypants wrote:

Why should you let other people's questioning affect you? Next time some nosey git tries to suss out the sexual preferences of somebody you know just say something along the lines of the following:

"It's none of your business, it's none of my business and if you really feel that you need to know the answer to that question you should probably discuss it with xxxx himself."

Afriend of mine was forever getting asked if she was gay. In the end she developed this one liner: "If you are asking me for a date, I will tell you. Otherwise it really isnt any of your business"

So you could adapt to say.." well If you want to ask him on a date i will tell him you asked, otherwise its none of your business really"...

Collie D

Confront is a bit of a harsh word but I'm sure you didn't mean it in that way. If you honestly think that he is gay you should ask him. If he is, he is probably finding it hard to come out to anyone and it might be a big weight off his shoulders to tell somebody who won't judge him and will treat him the same as when you though he was straight.

Beruthiel

Collie D wrote:

If you honestly think that he is gay you should ask him. If he is, he is probably finding it hard to come out to anyone and it might be a big weight off his shoulders to tell somebody who won't judge him and will treat him the same as when you though he was straight.

Or
he could be totally freaked out that his mate asked him such a personal question that he is not ready to discuss, or wish to in the first place.
If the guy is straight he maybe horrified to think he comes across as something he's not.
There are some lines you do not cross when it comes to a persons personal space, this is one of them. I don't understand why there is any need to know something like this, if a person is your friend, then you respect them and take them as they are and want you to, not how you think they should.

planck2

i would say no, don't confront him. He may be confused himself. When he figures it out and feels comfortable enough he'll tell you the deal. Just be his friend and support him.

LegacyUser

As a closet guy sometimes I think id like to be confronted about it, only by my close friends and obviously followed by them saying they dont care, a push wouldnt hurt. Whats the worst that could happen? He might get a bit defensive or upset but it could help in the long run!!

Collie D

Beruthiel wrote:

Or
he could be totally freaked out that his mate asked him such a personal question that he is not ready to discuss, or wish to in the first place.
If the guy is straight he maybe horrified to think he comes across as something he's not.
There are some lines you do not cross when it comes to a persons personal space, this is one of them. I don't understand why there is any need to know something like this, if a person is your friend, then you respect them and take them as they are and want you to, not how you think they should.

Well being gay is not exactly something to be ashamed of so I don't think he would be too insulted. Lots of straight people can be a bit camp. If this is he case here, I don't see the harm. If he is gay then he is probably finding it hard to deal with and afraid to tell anyone

Talliesin

Closet wrote:

As a closet guy sometimes I think id like to be confronted about it

Why are you in the closet, and do you think everyone who's closetted has the same reasons?

Now, I came out as bi very young but I would say that there was a period when I would have liked someone to just ask me shortly before I did come out (a period when I was dropping enough hints already). A bit earlier though I would not have been happy.

Collie D wrote:

Well being gay is not exactly something to be ashamed

I know that. You know that. Does the OP's friend know that?

Shellie13

dont confront him or even question him about it directly! He could be embarrassed about the whiole situation- ie. u[set about his lack of sucess with women if he IS straight or not ready to openly discuss his sexuality!
Id say jus let him know your cool with it i like the "marraige" optoion above v creative i must say!

Again technically its none of your business but if u wana just clear the air go for it!
Also id say depends how close ye are as friends like are ye the drinkin buddies who'd laugh everything off as a bit of craic or the deeply intense type who discuss everything down to the colour of your poo?! see my point?!