open relationships

Tin Goddess

not sure if this is the right thread to be posting in but here goes. For the last month or so I have been seeing a guy who is a freind of mine. We agreed at the beginning neither of us wanted a serious relationship. We see eachother a lot maybe three nights a week though that can be just because we are both part of the same bunch of mtes. It has been going on a while now and yest he broached the topic of seeing other people. now i NEVER assumed our relationship would be monogamous however i find myself bothered not by the idea that he may score other people but that he may date other people. Is it reasonable to set a ground rule along the lines of yes do what you want when I'm not around but limit it to one night random things ..... no dating. Possibly i am being daft here....

Talliesin

Tin Goddess wrote:

Is it reasonable to set a ground rule along the lines of yes do what you want when I'm not around but limit it to one night random things ..... no dating.

It's perfectly reasonable.

It's also perfectly reasonable for him to say that that's not a rule he would be happy with.

Even amongst the monogamous people differ as to what behaviour they find acceptable in how their partners deal with other people (e.g. some get freaked out by even a little flirting, others don't). Once you step away from that model of relationships and its normacy in our society you don't have the advantage of being able to take the fact that monogamy is the norm and defining your relationship in terms of that. There's a lot of different ways to define a relationship outside of monogamy; polyamoury, open monogamous [you have one partner, but may have other lovers], swinging, sharing [i.e. you'll only play with someone else if both of you play with them], playing in particular ways only [how some otherwise monogamous couples deal with one person having a fetish the other doesn't share], and more.

For each of those just as what one monogamous couple would consider appropriate won't be the same as another, so there is variation within them. Just one aspect of this is that some people insist on knowing who their partner's other lovers are, some insist on not knowing, and some don't care.

All of these suit different people to different extents. All of them have different advantages, disadvantages and pitfalls.

Many of them are considered immoral by some people, and gossip-worthy by even more.

Even if you are following the relationship model most common in our society, its still important to be clear on what is and isn't acceptable, and be happy that its something you can both live with. If you are structuring your relationship in another way you need to be really clear on it.

It's also possible that what suits you both now won't suit you later (in particular if you start out as just lovers but later want more than that, though there are plenty of other things that can trigger a change in this, or it can seem to "just happen").

If you're not happy with him dating other people, then you need to say so. If he's not happy not dating other people, then you need to either negotiate your limits to find something you are both genuinely happy with, or split up.

dr.bollocko

Don't do it! Move away from the open relationship man. Or start introducing yourself as envious psycho bitch from now on.

Marksie

Good post talliesin.
the Issue here would seem to be the possibility of emotional involvment occurring with a third party. It is advisable for the two of you to sit down and discuss your realationship situation and what you want and expect.

Dealing with the possibility of himself, or yourself for that matter (it is a sword with two edges), developing feelings for a lover and being with them on an ongoing basis is very impotant here. Whether it be feelings of jealousy or not.. is immatreial, if you spend your time thinking is he with HER again tonight it will eat you up.

If the pair of you can sit down and be honest and set ground rules but as was previously said..he may have definite ideas about that. If you overcome this issue and enjoy the what you have and accept both his other activities..and your own, then there is no reason why it cannot be a very good relationship indeed.

As in any other relationship trust is an issue and if you have set certain rules, then you have to have the trust there to make it work.

mountainyman

You can lay down any ground rules you like. He can accept or reject them. Open relationships can be quite stressful though and imo are a bad idea (on emotional grounds not just moral ones.)

Talliesin

The moral grounds we can perhaps debate elsewhere.

The emotional grounds, well to actually debate them would also be off-topic, I would say that I strongly believe that some people are more emotionally suited to some models of relationship than others, and that includes some people not being suited to monogamy.

Whether I'm right, you're right, or we're both wrong, the thing the OP needs to do is decide where she stands in relation to that question.

Tin Goddess

thanks for everyones perspective... i think honesty is defintely the best policy. I was happy enough tyo let it all drift along but at this stage after a while i think ground rules are necessary. Lookign at this from the flip side how would any one feel seeing a guy who was already in a casual relationship with someone else?

dr.bollocko

It is true that the beauty of the open relationship is that the rules of contact with others are defined by those in the open relationship.
You have every right to suggest ground rules just like he has every right to veto some of them. But if you are a jealous or possessive person it can get bad, and you could end up throwing all that in peoples faces during an argument. But in terms of knowing yourself, you will at laest find out if you are the kind of person that this relationship works for.... So go for it!

Talliesin

Tin Goddess wrote:

Lookign at this from the flip side how would any one feel seeing a guy who was already in a casual relationship with someone else?

If...

1. My own situation allowed for such an encounter (i.e. I was single or in a relationship which also allowed for such encounters).
2. I found the person attractive - expanded to include all of the other things that affects a decision to sleep with someone (e.g. you don't think they're an asshole, etc).
3. I had a strong sense of how I felt about them outside of sexual attraction (i.e. they weren't a friend at all, or they were a friend and I had a good sense of the boundaries of that friendship).
4. I was reasonably sure that both they and their partner were truly happy with with my sleeping with them.

Then yeah, all the above criteria being met I would see such a guy (or such a girl). Some other people would be even more willing to do so, and less careful than I would. Some other people would be far less willing to (probably most people in our society).

Open relationships can get messy. There are risks that don't apply to strictly monogamous relationships, but there are benefits to them too.

free2fly

Tin Goddess wrote:

Lookign at this from the flip side how would any one feel seeing a guy who was already in a casual relationship with someone else?

Again OP, I think that would depend on your own feelings for the person. If it would hurt you to see him with someone else then you shouldn't be in an open relationship. If you tend to be a jealous person you shouldn't be in an open relationship.

It takes a specific type of person to be able to handle polyamory, swinging and open/casual relationships. If you're not comfortable with him seeing other people then you need to communicate this to him for your own sake.

Black Swan

Tin Goddess wrote:

Lookign at this from the flip side how would any one feel seeing a guy who was already in a casual relationship with someone else?

If I was unattached, just dating for fun, maybe, depending upon the person. But there would be limits how far we could go without a commitment. Not into one night stands or free love. Much too personal.

Tin Goddess

personally i think i would find it more difficult bein the second person seeing the guy than the girl who had been around longer.. and would prefer nto to get involved in a relationship like that but i coulod be alone in feeling that

Black Swan

Also a chance of getting trapped in a love triangle. Not pretty!

Talliesin

No, you're not alone in that feeling. Really there's a whole bunch of different attitudes out there to all of these sorts of questions.

Asking what people will or won't do isn't really going to answer any of your questions about what you should do yourself. It's not like we're all going to have an election on relationship models that we'll all have to stick to whether we like it or not!

LegacyUser

And also watch out for stds.