How decide when to start a family?!

Winnie001

Hi,

so basically just wondering how you decide it is the right time to have babies?

Have been married 3 years now & do occasionally get broody but quickly realise that
a. would have to change my job - lot of overtime/ commute etc so just not practical with baby
b. Would not be able to go on holidays (& certainly not the 3 we go on per year at the moment)
c. I am not grown up enough - both me a dh are very selfish & immature people (27/33)
d. Cant imagine getting into bed and going 'lets make a baby now!' ugh turnoff!

And basically it just freaks me out to think of me being responsible for another person.
Originally when we got married we both agreed that we would start a family before I turn 30...........but that is getting closer & we are not getting any closer to make a decision....we both like our lives the way they are - very busy social life, able to go on evening classes/put/dinner etc anytime we want.

We do want kids but I cant see us ever deciding to have kids! Both agreed that it would be better if it happened by accident but I don't see that happening.

Any thoughts?

Kashkai

In our case, my wife and I had great life pre-kids - 3 or 4 holidays a year travelling the world, nice cars, house, good salaries and no childcare costs.

However my wife wanted kids and I didn't as I liked our life the way it was and didn't want the hassle and disruption that kids would bring to it. However, she loves kids and has a great rapport with them. I could see that as her sisters and friends were producing babies by the armful, it was starting to take an effect on her. I decided that I was being selfish and we had a long talk about it. Basically, I was a bit like you in that I didn't want the responsibility of looking after another human being for the rest of my life. She accepted my point of view but we agreed that we'd be taking care of them together.

Eight years on and we have 3 wonderful kids who mean more to us than all the holidays, cars, money etc in the world. Its little short of amazing how having your own child can put your whole life into perspective and make you realise that 99% of the things you used to worry about is just so much bull.

We were 32 and 30 respectively when we had our first child and I believe that its a good time to start a family as you have had your 20's to get all the partying out of your system, get a house together and be settled in a job.

However, each to their own:)

embee

Winnie001,

If every single couple in the world waited for the ideal time to start a family to arrive, no one would ever have kids.

Having children does change your life, but for the better. I am only 25, and had my first child 8 months ago. Like yourself, I was a bit wary... work would be a hassle (I just changed my shifts after having her and went part time instead of full time), I couldn't go on holidays (went to France when she was 7 months old), I thought myself and my partner were too immature (turns out we aren't - parenthood changes you in that regard). As regards the idea of having sex with your wife just to make a baby.... Well, all you have to do is have sex for a couple of nights in and around her ovulation dates. If ye do it a few times, you aren't going to actually know exactly which date you conceived, so thinking "we're about to make a baby" is pointless. A lot of people I know who are trying to conceive and then go on to do so will tell you that they haven't a CLUE which time they had sex that the baby was conceived.

A lot of people talk about the responsibility of having a child... you know, sure, its a big responsibility, but by no means is it overwhelming. You take things day by day. A baby needs food, clean nappies, baths and cuddles. Anyone can do this. Toddlers present different challenges, but they thrive on learning new things, and in this regard, teaching them about right and wrong, how to tie their shoelaces, telling them about the world and how things work ... this is stuff all inquisitive children WANT to know. You have to keep your children safe, happy and healthy. The actual responsibility of looking after them in terms of feeding, changing, hugs etc... they're "easy" in that you just do them instinctively. Every parent wants to provide for and nurture their child - you will be no different.

Don't try to make a decision as to when to start a family - there is never a "right" time. Even people who plan it down to a T will find that there's always something that has to give. If you have kids, you can't just press pause on them to suit your lifestyle, and you will have to change your schedules, sacrifice a certain amount of your social activities (but this is not forever and you don't have to become a hermit). Having a child, for me, has so far been the most fulfilling time of my life and the fun and joy they bring to your life is such a wonderful thing to feel. I look back now on my time before I had my daughter and I think to myself "Jesus Christ, what did I ever do with my spare time?" but I wouldn't change one minute of it. As Prosperous Dave said, you come to realise that 99% of the crap you used to worry about is pure bull... its all such nonsense really.

hallelujajordan

Winnie001 . .

When you go to post on a bulletin board and find that you can't list 4 reasons not to have kids, the way you have, then you know the time is right

Seriously though, I don't think there are many who would tell you that at least they or there partner didn't have similar serious doubts about giving up the lifestyle and having kids but in my experience there are few who wouldn't tell you that it was the best decision that they (eventually) made.

The Hill Billy

I am in total agreement with Prosperous Dave & embee.

There is never a "right time". You could plan & plan & then plan some more for when you think the best time will be for having children. Something will always come up to make you change your mind.

I was 33 & Mrs Billy 27 when our lad was born. We both had good jobs, but Mrs Billy packed hers in when he arrived so be a stay-at-home-mom. The weekends away, dining out a few times a week, partying at weekends went out the window. Do I care? Not one single bit. My son means the world to me. Four years on I still creep into his room every night just to watch him sleep (OK - & relish the peace & quiet). I never get tired of him & am so proud to be his Dad.

We had always planned on having another, but were waiting to build on an extension to our cottage, have "x" done, be doing "y" & "z" too before we went at it. Of course, time moved on & eventually we realised that our son would be 20 before he had another brother or sister, if ever. So we found ourselves having to decide which was more important - the house all sorted & "x"/"y"/"z" done or have another child? It didn't take long to make up our minds. Junior will be due in February. Extension gets put off for another year - big deal.

At the end of the day - having kids will turn your life on its head, but it will be worth a million holidays/meals out/nice cars, etc. Best of luck with whatever choice you make.

Wishbone Ash

embee wrote:

If every single couple in the world waited for the ideal time to start a family to arrive, no one would ever have kids.

Hill Billy wrote:

The weekends away, dining out a few times a week, partying at weekends went out the window. Do I care? Not one single bit.

My sentiments exactly.

Khannie

Wishbone Ash wrote:

My sentiments exactly.

Mine too.

Life doesn't end when a child comes along either.

Kashkai

Khannie wrote:

Mine too.

Life doesn't end when a child comes along either.

Actually in a way life begins again when you have a child as you get to enjoy all the experiences of childhood from an adult's perspective.

I can't wait until my son is old enough so I can buy him a scalextric (the mini racing car game on a track). I had one as a kid and loved it so I can now spend hours showing him how to use it:D

And for those who think I might be favouring my son over my two daughters, my wife is fighting a losing battle trying to stop me turning my oldest girl into the greatest gaelic footballer this country will ever know!!!! She despairs when I spend hours playing football with my daughter at the weekend and she has visions of her walking up the aisle in a pair of football boots

The Hill Billy

Prosperous Dave wrote:

my wife is fighting a losing battle trying to stop me turning my oldest girl into the greatest gaelic footballer this country will ever know!!!! She despairs when I spend hours playing football with my daughter at the weekend and she has visions of her walking up the aisle in a pair of football boots

Hmmm.... Just wait until your son wants to play "Princesses" with you. And he wants a pink Barbie bike for his birthday. It's all part of the rich tapestry of life with children.

@ Winnie001 - We can tell you all of these great things about life with kids (to us anyway), but it is nigh on impossible to get across the fantastic new life that they'll bring to you until you experience it for yourself.

Winnie001

Hill Billy wrote:

@ Winnie001 - We can tell you all of these great things about life with kids (to us anyway), but it is nigh on impossible to get across the fantastic new life that they'll bring to you until you experience it for yourself.

Hmm yes I have to admit that I am kind of reading those 'life means so much more' bits & not really believing that will be me!

We had decided about a month ago to wait another year & see then if our attitudes have changed but what has brought it back into my mind at the moment is the increasing comments from people (particularly Mother in law) wondering when we are going to get started. MIL even went so far as to say that it was our duty to have children!! Obviously 3 years is the limit in most people's minds that a newly married couple must have kids within!

I really would prefer to have decided on what way we are going to cope with our jobs / childminding etc prior to even getting pregnant & we are also in the process of applying for pp on a house so again would like to get that built before having children...............................although as pointed out I do realise that there will always be something that you are waiting on.................oh and I would also like to get a bit holiday in beforehand (Canada/Australia etc)..................!

I am only 27 and while I don't want to wait too late, I guess that I feel that I do have a couple of years ..............

mmm my decision making skills arent the best!

The Hill Billy

Winnie001 wrote:

MIL even went so far as to say that it was our duty to have children!!

That's a whole new thread for you to start!

Winnie001 wrote:

I would also like to get a bit holiday in beforehand (Canada/Australia etc)..................!

You never know - you could end up with a little "Vancouver" or "Canberra" ("Sydney" was too obvious) toddling about.

Take your time & don't pressure yourselves (or allow others to pressure you). If & when it happens - it will be something else.

Nevyn

Well if you were married in a catholic ceremony one of the duties of a catholic married couple in the eyes of the church is to have children.

The Hill Billy

Hill Billy wrote:

...don't pressure yourselves (or allow others to pressure you).

Thaedydal wrote:

Well if you were married in a catholic ceremony one of the duties of a catholic married couple in the eyes of the church is to have children.

Apart from God of course.

Khannie

Thaedydal wrote:

Well if you were married in a catholic ceremony one of the duties of a catholic married couple in the eyes of the church is to have children.

Not so. You are required to raise any children in the catholic religion (as an aethiest, I agreed to any children being raised as catholic before being married in a church), and one of the premises of being a catholic is that you don't try to prevent children being born through contraception (hahaha), but you're not obliged to have sex every night until you pop out child after child like.

squire1

Winnie, I was going to reply before but decided not to but after reading your second post it just reinforced my first impression.

Take your time. You are only 27 yes? Relax and enjoy your time with your partner now. Do the things you want to do now while you can rather than regretting it later when you cant. Kids are brilliant and they will change your life in a way you can never imagine but if you feel there is more stuff that you and your partner want to do while you can, then put off having kids for a while. They will still be as enjoyable in a couple or few years time.

Do whatever feels right to you and don't give into pressure you may feel is coming from relations, friends or in laws.

newwifey

Just bear in mind that once you hit your early thirties you have roughly a 10% chance of conceiving each month.
Should you run into problems having children (God willing you won't) you could be well into your thirties having fertility treatment.
Have read loads of stories about people who decided to put off having children for one reason or another only to wish later when they ran into problems that they didnt. Everyone assumes that when they finally decide to have kids it will happen instantly.

I had my first child before i was 20 and never got to travel and do the things I wanted. Our long term plan is to have them all out of the house by the time we are 50-52 and then we will live our life. I would never change the way my life worked out but I am looking forward to doing the thing I have dreamed about.

Take your time, at 27 you have loads of time, but I can never see you actually hitting a time in your life when you are ready to give up holidays, nights out etc....realistically who wants to do that???

Sometimes when it happens accidentally and the decision is taken from you it works out for the best.
Good luck:)

deisemum

The next time the MIL comes out with the baby comments just tell her ye're still practising and at it like rabbits. Hopefully she might back off.

I always thought I'd have completed my family by the time I was 30 but I kept chickening out. Then I finally decided to get things moving when I was 30 and got pregnant straight away and had him at 31. I know exactly when he was conceived as DH worked away from home so it was easy to know the date.

As "ready" as we were and as excited as we were when I saw the blue line part of me was still scared wondering would I be a good mum etc.

Thing is even when your children grow up you never stop worrying about them or so I've been told by others who've been there. Mine are now 11 and 9 and I wouldn't even like to think what life would be like without them. I just hope I don't suffer "empty nest syndrome" when they leave home.:D