What would you do?

LegacyUser

Been seeing this guy for about 8 months now. I care for him very much. We get on great and he makes me feel good about myself.

Here's the problem. He has another gf. He told me straight off about her. I was ok with it. He said he liked us both the same. And I think he does. But she always seems to come first with him. If we both needed him at the same time I know he'd go to her instead of me. So lately I'm feeling second best to his other gf.

I know if I tried to talk to my bf about this he'd say its not true that he loves me just as much as her. I just don't know what to do. I know your all going to say dump him. But I don't want to do that. I just don't want to feel second best.

Has anyone been in this situation?

Ruu_Old

I'm afraid there is a good chance that you are always going to be second best. Why you stayed in the relationship this long is beyond me, regardless of your feelings, the fact is that he has a girlfriend. Does she know about your relationship to him? I am not sure if you had really considered it when you said it was ok that he had a girlfriend.

dr.bollocko

As the other woman, rather than the out in the open relationship, you are always the one thats gonna get shat on. You will always be 2nd best if you are having an affair and his girlfriend doesnt know about it. You could tell him to dump her or lose you, or else you are just gonna have to put up with it. You are being unfair to yourself, to the other girl, and this guy is treating you like crap, and you dont want to dump him?
Doormat much?

LegacyUser

he makes you feel good about yourself?

you cant that from this post.

arnt you worth having a guy only be with you and you alone?
does she know about you? or are you playing the mistress? i think its important to know this.

you came 2nd. you ARE playing second fiddle and thats exactly right, you are being PLAYED. it doesnt matter that he was up front about it, that proves nothing except that he thinks little enough of you that you'd still go weak at the knees for him regardless.

i know you care for him but the truth is you'll alway feel second best because you proberly are. that doesnt mean you really are but in his eyes you are.

you cant change how he feels or the situation. its impossible to do so.

i'd suggest get yourself a second bf and see how he feels then. let him relieve himself.

LegacyUser

I never considered the fact I was been unfair to the other gf. I don't think she knows about me. I never asked. I didn't really care if she knew or not. But I suppose she would be upset if she knew.

I'm not a doormat. Or maybe I am? I don't know. I'm really confused now. He doesn't treat me poorly. He treats me like a princess. He's wonderful when he's with me. Oh god I feel sick now.

Talliesin

The answer to "What would you do?" for most people would be "not get into that situation in the first place". What other people would do isn't really going to help you. The question is what decision gives you the best chance of being happy with your life?

Are you genuinely happy for him to have two girlfriends, or putting up with it because that's part of the package that comes with dating him? Or does realising that the two of you really do love each other (assuming that's true) make you feel that whatever goes with that has to be accepted?

Do you have anything objective to indicate he'd always go to her rather than to you, or is that how you feel more than what you know? Are you perhaps always going to feel second best unless you're the only one, or at least you can be sure that you're actually first, rather than equal.

Have you met his other girlfriend? If not are you 100% sure she knows about you too?

As much as I'll say things in support of polyamoury and other non-monogamous relationships, they aren't for everyone. Nor does being okay (or even downright insistant yourself) with such relationships mean you'll stay that way.

Are you free to date other people? Do you want to? People that can be other than monogamous are probably in a minority in our culture, but people that can do that when its one-sided and doesn't have any advantages for them are a minority within that minority.

Not2ndBest wrote:

he'd say its not true that he loves me just as much as her

A problem with that is that love can't really be compared all that well. It's one thing to say I love my fiancée more than I love chocolate cake, but when two people are on the same footing in your life the comparisons don't really work. There isn't any instrument that gives a good reading on how much someone loves someone.

Not2ndBest wrote:

I know your all going to say dump him. But I don't want to do that.

I'm not going to say you should dump him, but it's possible that that is indeed what you should do, and it's no good saying "I don't want to do that" if what you do want to do isn't going to be possible.

Talliesin

Not2ndBest wrote:

I don't think she knows about me. I never asked.

Eh, did you not think that might be something worth knowing?

Okay. I retract everything I've said in the post above. If you're running around blindly, and you're surprised when you get hurt, you're just stupid.

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote:

Eh, did you not think that might be something worth knowing?

Okay. I retract everything I've said in the post above. If you're running around blindly, and you're surprised when you get hurt, you're just stupid.

Ouch! That's a bit harsh. I'm not stupid and he hasn't hurt me in any way. I'm just confused. And alot of the things you said in your previous post made sense to me. I'm not jealous of the other girl. In fact I wouldn't be jealous if he had 3 other gf. I'm not the jealous type. Now I know everyone will be slagging me for that statement, but it's true. It's not a matter of jealousy. I'm just confused.

When you talk about being polyamoury you mean that it is possible for one person to love more than one other person. Is there a pecking order, for lack of a better word? I mean, is it possible for one woman to be on a higher level than another? I know I'm not explaining this very well. I'm sorry. Can I PM you?

Beetlebum

I get the impression that you're only putting up with this situation because you're so crazy about him (or possibly just crazy). I'm sure you know that you're better than this. Are you really comfortable with the fact that he's regularly sleeping with someone else? This guy has a sweet deal going on. He's not going to leave his other gf for you if that's what you'r hoping. Sure why would he? He gets to have sex with two woman whenever he feels like. Get yourself out of this situation before you get really hurt.

Talliesin

Not2ndBest wrote:

I'm not stupid and he hasn't hurt me in any way.

Oh, we're all stupid, we all do stupid things, we're just all stupid in different ways at different times.

When we have our eyes open about things we can still get hurt, when we don't it's practically guaranteed. And if you don't know what the story is with your lover's other relationship(s) at all, then you've got your eyes screwed up tight.

Not2ndBest wrote:

I'm not jealous of the other girl. In fact I wouldn't be jealous if he had 3 other gf. I'm not the jealous type. Now I know everyone will be slagging me for that statement, but it's true.

Oh, I totally believe that that could be true. I wouldn't mind if my partner had other lovers as long as she had time for me. However, that doesn't mean I can assume that she feels the same way, or that these hypothetical other lovers would feel the same way. I'd have to know, because the risks of someone getting hurt would be high enough as it is.

If he hasn't told her about you then there's no point trying to sort out anything else about this, because no matter how much you sort out your current concerns it's just a matter of time before it all goes pearshaped.

Not2ndBest wrote:

When you talk about being polyamoury you mean that it is possible for one person to love more than one other person.

Yes

Not2ndBest wrote:

Is there a pecking order, for lack of a better word? I mean, is it possible for one woman to be on a higher level than another?

There can be, but not necessarily. Some polyamourous people have ideas about how all polyamourous people should live, but frankly it seems stupid to me to reject the monogamy most common in our society and then try to replace that with a whole bunch of new ideas about how everyone else should do things.

There's a lot of differences in how different poly groups work.

One thing that's key though is honesty. You don't need to know everything going on, but if he's pretending to be monogamous with his other gf then that isn't polyamoury, that's having an affair behind someone else's back.

Not2ndBest wrote:

Can I PM you?

Sure. You can't do that not logged in, but I can keep a confidence.

chamlis

Sweetheart, I was "the other guy" for 2 years. Nearly destroyed me.
All I say about it is she was engaged to him and it was a tempestuous relationship at best. I was the fall back guy. She'd come to me when he ****ed her out of it and she wanted an ego boost. It started out as fun, but I mean she was a babe and not only that, but in my naivete I saw her as a soulmate. I was waiting for their relationship to finally burn out, or for him to finally cross the line and hit her, but it never happened.

It took a very serious incident for our relationship to end, where I finally saw her true colours. When I needed her, she couldn't give a ****.
You say he treats you like a princess? I didn't see my one as a soulmate for no reason. But when push came to shove, I could see just how wrong I really was. That alone is a traumatic experience, realising everything is a lie.

Somehow I've managed to, yet again, make another PI issue about me
But that's my experience. Get out with your dignity and self-respect intact before it's too late. It was the best thing I ever did.

panda100

Not2ndBest wrote:

doesn't treat me poorly. He treats me like a princess.

Really?In what part of Cinderella did prince Charming run off to his other girlfriend.
Have you met any of his friends? or his family?

Talliesin

Actually, with real princes having other lovers is quite usual. Generally though, these days this isn't of the everyone-is-happy-with-it polyamoury lifestyle, but just cheating.

Beruthiel

Not2ndBest wrote:

I never considered the fact I was been unfair to the other gf. I don't think she knows about me. I never asked. I didn't really care if she knew or not. But I suppose she would be upset if she knew

Then for all you know, she thinks that he is solely her b/f. I find it quite callous that you don't care about that fact.
You may be happy with the fact that you are one of may women he is with, but if his g/f does not know about this side of things, that is crossing a line for both you and him, it's not open and totally dishonest.

I'm really confused now. He doesn't treat me poorly. He treats me like a princess. He's wonderful when he's with me. Oh god I feel sick now.

If we are to continue to assume that his g/f does not know about you, then without doubt you are second best and handy for a quicky when he feels like a change. He is cheating on her with you. Your prince is an as5hole if this is the case.
I would have thought that no matter what type of relationship/relationships you are in, if there is not total honesty for all partys, what exactly is it all about?

LegacyUser

Im confused now after reading the post. Not because of bad typing, but because of your emotions.

How can you explain this one?

Do you expect to end up with him at some stage, with you as his only girlfriend? Surely at this stage you have thought of the future. Whats going to happen with ye etc.

As for not thinking of the girlfriend, am a bit disgusted by this actually. Im not going to be all righteous or anything, we all make mistakes, but you do need to think what kind of person you are.

What would you do if you were with a guy and he had a girlfriend on the side that you didn’t know about?

Maybe you are young, I don’t know, but this is an extremely situation that you can get yourself out of.

You are obviously starting to feel something now, if you are posting on boards and looking for advice.

stifz

Why don't the three of you get together and work through it as a threesome... .;)

super_furry

You are firmly in the 'other woman' category in which case you'll always be second best. It seems to me that you're just his bit on the side and while he may tell you he's crazy about you, his actions prove that he isn't.

Beruthiel

stifz wrote:

Why don't the three of you get together and work through it as a threesome... .;)

Gee, that's funny, and never been suggested before :rolleyes:

Why don't you go read this forums Rules and Charter before you get yourself banned.
B

LegacyUser

Firstly I think you're brave to be honest on a forum about the situation you're in, as it's not easy, and as I've seen from some postings that replied to you , you let yourself open to a barrage of bleedin abuse from a pack of know it all-ers, paaah...

Anyway I agree with someones already mentioned idea. Invent another man.. don't be too blaze about it at first or he'll cop you're bluffing.. discretion's the key. And when he asks you, say yeah I've met someone, hes nice, he wants to take me out to dinner, and I'm going to go. If he freaks out you keep as cool as anything.. saying maybe " well i cant see why its a problem hun, I mean you're seeing someone? id presumed we were in an open relationship here?" what do you think? worth a shot?

justsomebloke

has he introduced you to all his family and friends as his girlfriend or even told them about you and if not has he introduced the other girl to them, cause I know if I had been seeing somebody else for a good while most of my friends would at least know if they hadn't at least meet them I wouldn't be keeping a secret from them.

Beruthiel

Play it cool? wrote:

Anyway I agree with someones already mentioned idea. Invent another man.. don't be too blaze about it at first or he'll cop you're bluffing.. discretion's the key. And when he asks you, say yeah I've met someone, hes nice, he wants to take me out to dinner, and I'm going to go. If he freaks out you keep as cool as anything.. saying maybe " well i cant see why its a problem hun, I mean you're seeing someone? id presumed we were in an open relationship here?" what do you think? worth a shot?

One should always choose game playing over straight forward honesty, after all, who needs that in a relationship?

LegacyUser

Exactly Beruthial, a woman after my own heart obviously..
I mean he's playing games with this poor lil sweetheart, so why shouldnt she play back? Alls fair in love and war....

aidan24326

If he hasn't introduced you to any of his friends/family after 8 months, then it's nigh on certain that you are simply his 'bit on the side'. And it seems pretty likely that the other girl doesn't know about you, if so then he is cheating on her with you, again confirming your real status as the 'other woman'.

If you're unsure whether the other girl knows about you, ask him (can't believe you haven't already) If he says no she doesn't, then you'd have to decide whether you're happy to be sleeping with someone else's boyfriend, who would also effectively be a cheating cad and a liar. On the other hand if he answers 'yes she does know' (probably a lie), you can call his bluff by suggesting you'd like to meet her.

There's a couple of other things you can do. You could give him an ultimatum. Tell him he either drops the other girl or you drop him. His reaction to this will tell you something about how he really views you. Make it clear you are not happy being second best. He would obviously have to choose one or other of you sooner or later anyway, unless you're all going to live as one happy little family, and I think you know this is pretty unlikely.

Alternatively, you can do as someone else suggested and invent another man. This is not strictly being dishonest (ok it's a white lie) but more about establishing the real nature of your position in this 'relationship'. Don't invent any over-elaborate stories, just mention that you're going out for dinner with this nice guy you met. See how he reacts. If he is really into the open relationship idea then surely he won't mind, right? I think you could well find double standards at work here, but either way you need to start demanding some honest answers or you could end up being hurt and made a fool of.

All in all there's nothing inherently wrong with open or polyamorous relationships, so long as all involved persons know that that's what it is, and all are comfortable with the idea. Up to you to now establish whether that's the case here. Personally I'd have my doubts.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Then for all you know, she thinks that he is solely her b/f. I find it quite callous that you don't care about that fact.
You may be happy with the fact that you are one of may women he is with, but if his g/f does not know about this side of things, that is crossing a line for both you and him, it's not open and totally dishonest.

That didn't come out quite the way I meant it to and does sound callous. I wouldn't want to see anyone get hurt because of this situation.

Trinity

Unfortunately thats usually what happens in these situations.

There is no point playing games. You start as you mean to go on. I dont know much about poly relationships but from what i was told this is not one.

They are relationships based on mutual respect, honesty and love. This is just a guy having his cake and eat it too.

You may be happy being one of many, but until you know how his girlfriend feels about that, the right thing to do is to give him up.

Dont be a party to his games. He is not respecting you if he is not giving you all of him and putting someone else first. He may treat you like a princess, but then again he could be just keeping you sweet.

Its possible he may have feelings for you or be very fond of you. But i dont see the fairly tale ending here of him suddenly realising he wants you and you alone. If this is gonna happen it wont be until you walk away fully.

Dont play games, its demeaning to yourself. If you have to play games its not love. And if its not love then walk away.

You say you are not jealous yet you dont want to be second best. Well then its obvious you are possibly not able for these open relationships. You deserve someone that comes when you need them, someone who is falling over themselves to be with you. This does not seem to be the case.

DOnt settle for second best to be with someone.

Chucky the tree

Hes having his cake and eating it. As soon as he gets tired of tasting the same cake, he'll be off down to the bakery for another one.

If he really liked you more, the other cake would be 2nd best.

Nevyn

Well either you are ok with him having someone else or you are not.
You can just end it.
You can say all's fair in love and war and work at out vamping the other gril and getting him wrapped arround your finger.
Of you can talk about booking a St Valenties weekend away and see how that goes and talk about what you to do for St Vals and see how he talks his way out of that one.

LundiMardi

OP, you have your head seriously buried in the sand.

This guy is making a fool of you, he treats you like a princess because it gets him what he wants. If he cared so much for you then he would be ONLY with you, infact if he cared AT ALL for either you or his other gf then he would not be doing any of this.

You need to get yourself out of this situation because it's not going to have a fairytale ending that you may be hoping for.

This guy is walking all over you and i'm sorry to say i feel quite sorry for you, because you can't see what's blatantly obvious.

A Primal Nut

Not2ndBest wrote:

Been seeing this guy for about 8 months now. I care for him very much. We get on great and he makes me feel good about myself.

Here's the problem. He has another gf. He told me straight off about her. I was ok with it. He said he liked us both the same. And I think he does. But she always seems to come first with him. If we both needed him at the same time I know he'd go to her instead of me. So lately I'm feeling second best to his other gf.

I know if I tried to talk to my bf about this he'd say its not true that he loves me just as much as her. I just don't know what to do. I know your all going to say dump him. But I don't want to do that. I just don't want to feel second best.

Has anyone been in this situation?

Your not his girlfriend and never will be. He uses you to cheat on his GF,and he treats you like a princess coz it gets him into your pants.

Do yourself a favour and stop going after the bad boys: you will get hurt.

Black Swan

From your post, you do not strike me as someone playing the field. There is no commitment (by him) in your relationship. You know of another g/f, there could be others. For a non-player, I would think that your confusion stems from this lack of commitment.