My girlfriend likes it rough...

LegacyUser

I've been seeing my girl for a while, but only recently have I realised that she likes it rough... really rough. I found this out through talking about fantasies with her, so I decided to come up with a role play which she liked more than I expected.

Now she is really getting into it, wants me to pull her hair, slap her (in different areas, even face), call her derogatory names, take her forcefully, order her about, make her get on her knees and do what she's told... generally treat her really bad. (Totally opposite to how I treat her in reality!). I don't mind doing all this, it drives her crazy so I'm happy with it, and it's pretty erotic. But sometimes I wonder if this is strange behaviour, and could it be a sign she was abused at some time?

Or is this totally normal, and are you all at it?? I'm just curous cos I honestly don't really know. I'm in late 20's myself, she is the same. We have a great sex life and are both very passionate with high sex drives. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling bad about anything... just wondering if what we're up to is regular behaviour or not. Or maybe I'm just boring her because I'm such a nice guy, and she sometimes wants me to be a "bad guy", cos this turns her on??

Thanks for any help or advice

Victor

The BDSM type people will be able to help you more, but the basic premise is safe, sane and consensual.

Be careful on the smacking to the head.

---

Any immaturity or muppetry will see bans handed out.

melekalikimaka

just be gald she hasn't presented a gimp mask yet

Black Swan

It would appear that there might be a better place for this thread than PI?

LegacyUser

As long as it's consensual as Vic said. As long as both you and she are comfortable with it I don't see it as a problem. Obviously be careful not to slap her too hard (or around the chops lol) Also, is it every time you have sex that this role play takes place? If not, enjoy the ride (ahem). Fantasies, the exploration of such and being comfortable enough to share them is a sign of a healthy, adventurous sex life imo. If it makes YOU uncomfortable then you need to discuss your fears with her.

Donegal Lass

I wouldnt say you have anything to worry about unless her behaviour is odd outside of the bedroom? Enjoy it while it lasts - this type of roleplay wont go on forever once its no longer a fantasy!:)

chamlis

3 things:

First: Keep it to Role Play. Make clearly defined rules and boundries. Have a "Safe Word", even. You don't want this to become a part of normal bedtime fun. Make it a thing, you can switch on or off/start or stop, as it were.

Second: If she was abused she wouldn't be as into it as she is. Abuse might effect women in this way but she wouldn't be as passionate about it as she seems to be.

Third: It's fantasy. This is her getting that feeling from a guy she loves and feels safe with in a safe and controlled environment. IT IS NOT THE SAME AS WANTING TO BE TREATED ROUGH FOR REAL. Just to be clear

ffs enjoy it. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I'm doing a bit of readin up on it on the web, and yeah it seems that it isn't anything to be worried about... I also have to admit I'm mad into myself, and really enjoy it, so partially I'm checking myself out as well!

I'm not really worries just curious about where it comes from and why we want to do it, while other people just have "normal" sex..

chamlis

No such thing as "normal", man. It's good though that it's not a one-sided thing.
I would be careful about the face area though. No matter how hard she says she wants it
Wouldn't be doing yourself any favours amongst her family and girlfriends.

ANXIOUS

lucky you lol

Talliesin

Learning to top well is hard enough when you're into it yourself, nevermind when you're doing it for your partner.

The most important thing is to communicate. As you get more experienced you'll become pretty good at being able to subtly communicate "are you okay?" on your part or "I need this scene to ease up for a bit" on her part without being explicit and spoiling the illusion, but you always need to have some way of being able to just bring things to a halt if they get bad.

Safewords are useful and have their place, though unless it's actually part of her buzz to be saying "no" and have you ignore her you can just keep to "no" meaning no.

Safewords don't have to be as simple as something incongruous as "elephant" as a mere signal for "no". You can use "red" for "stop this", "yellow" for "I need this to ease up a bit" and "green" to mean "up it a bit" or to end the lighter period that "yellow" signalled. In this context its often seen as an ideal to get the bottom as close to their limits without them actually using a safeword as they can get without them actually having to, but some people like to be brought to the point where they have to safeword and end it.

It can also be a good idea to have a medical safeword ("medical" isn't a bad choice - easy to remember) if you're doing something risky or possibly if they have medical conditions that mean that you may need to end things very quickly indeed (one doesn't have to be doing something that forceful, being over someone's knee for just a light spanking can be sudden agony if your back goes out on you while you're bent over!).

http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/spanking.htm is quite an informative site as far as techniques go - spanking focus, but going into other B&D techniques.

http://www.bdsmireland.org/ is an Irish site, related to the Yahoo group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/bdsmireland/

http://www.nimhneach.ie/ is the website of an regular fetish club with a heavy BDSM community following in Dublin, though after the event on the 21st there'll be no more public events for the rest of the year. (Disclaimer: When this was mentioned in S&S a while back I had no links to this event, I now do; not a big link [and I'm in competition with them in running a completely different event on the same night as their next one] but I'm no longer an unbiased source in this recommendation).

You do need to be very careful with slapping a face, and really I'd advise you avoid it until you get a bit more experience with spanking.
Face slapping can be dangerous, and doing so raisees some controversy within the BDSM community. http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/info/artsaf/safeslap.htm is an article on safety in face-slapping, but it can still be risky (http://www.ecstagony.com/eng/info/arttec/faceslap.htm is an article on actually slapping a face, so as to give you hints at turning her on once you are sure you aren't going to hurt).

Really, no there are risks with many BDSM practices which is why we call it a Risk Aware Concensual Kink - you have to be aware of the risks. Spanking on the bottom is safer than most other potential target areas as long as you stay well away from the kidneys and coccyx on the one hand and the backs of the knees on the other. Hands are a popular target area too, but you have to be careful of the fingers and wrists.

TheSir wrote:

I'm not really worries just curious about where it comes from and why we want to do it, while other people just have "normal" sex..

Tough, wondering isn't a personal issue, you'll have to register, subscribe, and ask in S&S

7aken

when i read your post it got me thinking about a book by paulo coellho called 11 minutes. hmmmm

Talliesin

More...

TheSir wrote:

But sometimes I wonder if this is strange behaviour, and could it be a sign she was abused at some time?

As a rule, no. It doesn't mean she wasn't abused either. There's been plenty of studies into the effects of sexual abuse, physical abuse, corporal punishment and a bunch of other factors on the likelihood of someone enjoying BDSM, and they tend to come up saying pretty much nothing.

The one place this can have a factor is that if there was some abuse in her past then pressing the wrong "buttons" could cause her to react badly, but that's also true of vanilla sex.

TheSir wrote:

call her derogatory names

One has to be surprisingly careful here. The whole "sticks and stones" thing is rubbish and in many ways using such derogatory names can be edgier than using a whip or cane. Someone might get off on being called all sorts of derogatory things, but hit the wrong button and it can be a scene-spoiler or worse. Most people have things that they get particularly upset about being accused of or thinking other people think about them, and hit one of those things and you could have her genuinely upset.

It's also possible that some such words will work for her if she's quite deeply into sub-space, but not if she's only beginning to get there.

ferdi

ANXIOUS wrote:

lucky you lol

quoted for truth....cept it'd be better the other way round imo.
get a safe word for sure.

LegacyUser

Think Circuit Criminal Court or even Central Criminal Court if this all goes too far or goes wrong.

Could you satisfactorily and convincingly exculpate yourself from an alternative construction of your behaviour to the the satisfaction of a jury ?

Also, please remember that the consent of another person does not always negative your potential criminal reposibility. To be ridiculous for a moment to make a point. If she asked you to stab her and you did so - even just a teeny stab - you might have difficulties getting out of that.

Never be the guy who sits in the position of an accused person and stares at the ceiling of the court room asking himself " how the fkuc did I get myself into this situation ? "

Exit stage left would be a good strategy.........

Evil Phil

Oh for crying out loud. Experimenting with BDSM at what ever level isn't go to land people in court as long as its safe and consensual. The OP only said she liked it rough, not life threatening. There are safe approaches to this kind of play which have been outlined already. This couple seem to be learning about themselves and what they like in a very positive way. There's asking questions and looking into how to enjoy themselves safely. Good for them. I don't think the Circuit Criminal Court are going to take much of an interest. 'Play' and 'Abuse' are very, very different things.

Talliesin

Little Wig wrote:

Think Circuit Criminal Court or even Central Criminal Court if this all goes too far or goes wrong.

So far the legal situation about BSDM practices are pretty unclear. As a rule you can normal get away with anything that only causes "trivial and transient" injuries, but even that could theoretically cause legal difficulties.

Little Wig wrote:

Could you satisfactorily and convincingly exculpate yourself from an alternative construction of your behaviour to the the satisfaction of a jury ?

This is only likely to come up if you do something that causes lasting evidence, or there is photographic evidence of activities which do not indicate consent. Again though, the legal situation is unclear.

Little Wig wrote:

Also, please remember that the consent of another person does not always negative your potential criminal reposibility.

Nope, unfortunately the only time anyone can clearly legally consent to you injuring them even as slightly as a light tap to their bottom is in sport. Put on boxing gloves and you can beat someone to the point of permanent brain-damage or death, put on a kinky outfit and its unclear if you can hit them at all.

Little Wig wrote:

To be ridiculous for a moment to make a point. If she asked you to stab her and you did so - even just a teeny stab - you might have difficulties getting out of that.

In reality though, most people engaging in bloodplay do not end up in court.

Little Wig wrote:

Never be the guy who sits in the position of an accused person and stares at the ceiling of the court room asking himself " how the fkuc did I get myself into this situation ? "

Good principle

Little Wig wrote:

Exit stage left would be a good strategy.........

I'm not sure what you mean here. If you mean get out of the situation entirely and never engage in BDSM I'd have to say that lots of people do so without difficulties like that.

If you're saying do a legger if a scene goes so wrong that someone is seriously hurt I'd have to say that sounds pretty cowardly and reprehensible to me.

mountainyman

To the OP there is nothing wromg with it and frankly even if it seems a bit unhealthy so what maybe she has masochistic tendencies and likes getting it out of her system. In my experience a high propertion of women have sucj tendencies.

There is the case of the guy who branded his wife on the bum and when they split up she got him charged. The transcripts are funny. But he didn't go to jail.
The famous case in the UK R v Brown involved very extreme behaviour and a number of the masochistic participants were underage and consent was unclear.
Legally not much to worry about.

MM

Talliesin

I can think of a case in the UK that had successful prosecutions though there were no minors involved, nor any complaints from any participant, though again it was rather extreme play.

Talliesin

Ooops. Correction.

We're thinking of the same case, but not all of the charges involved minors, and it's upon the other charges that I'm saying there is some need to be cautious in this regard.

In all, we just don't have clear laws on this.

Sangre

Facts aside, the main principle set out in R v Brown is that consent is no excuse for serious assault, except where public policy allows it e.g. surgery/boxing.

"serious harm" means injury which creates a substantial risk of death or which causes serious disfigurement or substantial loss or impairment of the mobility of the body as a whole or of the function of any particular bodily member or organ.

...so I think you're grand.

Talliesin

Sangre wrote:

...so I think you're grand.

Pretty much. I'm a big believer in knowing what potential risks there are, of all sorts, before you do anything, but the reality is lots of people engage in BDSM and generally the Gardai have better things to be worrying about than someone giving their subbie a smacked bottom.

Bullockshaver

yes this is very normal behaviour!
I recently discovered this with my German gfriend, she loved all the things you described exactly, and to be honest i have really started to like it too
Nothing extreme like the rest of you started to go into but just the things that the topic starter described

Motley Crue

good luck with that one

LegacyUser

Sangre wrote:

Facts aside, the main principle set out in R v Brown is that consent is no excuse for serious assault, except where public policy allows it e.g. surgery/boxing.

For information, do you have a law report reference or year for this case please as there are many criminal law cases of the same name ?

Thanks.

Sangre

[1994] 1 A.C. 212 (appeal cases)

Thats house of lords citation anyway.