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Ah anti-jokes

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  • 18-10-2006 6:33pm
    #1
    johnny_ultimate
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 29,518 CMod ✭✭✭✭


    One day a kid comes home from school and says "Mommy Mommy! The kids at school are saying that there's aliens! That's not true is it?"


    The mother replies "HHAHSHNDNA --a'dahhH asjdjaieii!"


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    #2
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Heh, if you told me this one in the pub I'd probably lose a lung laughing.


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    #3
    TerrorFirmer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 29,930 ✭✭✭✭TerrorFirmer


    Not bad, actually, but being the ridiculous loon I am I'm liable to laugh at anything.

    A pair of lemons roll into a bar. Being lemons, they cannot drink or in fact speak even, so after loitering for several moments they roll away again.


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    #4
    mukki
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,669 ✭✭✭mukki


    wheres capt'n midnight for this


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    #5
    johnny_ultimate
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 29,518 CMod ✭✭✭✭johnny_ultimate


    HavoK wrote:
    A pair of lemons roll into a bar. Being lemons, they cannot drink or in fact speak even, so after loitering for several moments they roll away again.

    That's the stuff :)

    More of the same:

    So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.

    The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.
    A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

    "I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

    "What is it?"

    "Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

    The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to beat him. Savagely.
    A duck walks into a bar...

    Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
    What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

    The Holocaust.
    How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

    You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.


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    #6
    sonic juice
    Closed Accounts Posts: 377 ✭✭sonic juice


    What's is a pretty horrible disease to attain?

    cancer.


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    #7
    abelard
    Registered Users Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭abelard


    I can't but love anti-jokes
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    What did the hobo get for Christmas?
    Nothing.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    how do you make a mime yell?
    throw a brick at his face.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
    Because she was a woman.
    (I categorically apologise in advance for that one it's has the ability to offend way too many people)

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?
    Get in the car.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    "Knock knock."
    "Who's there?"
    "Bob."
    "Go away Bob"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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    #8
    Shellie13
    Closed Accounts Posts: 346 ✭✭Shellie13


    *tell this with a deatlhty srtraight face*
    A girl walks into a bar...
    Orders a few drinks...
    Orders a few more...
    Leaves, collapses and dies in a pool of her own vomit


    god im a bad person!


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    #9
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 91,903 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    There were two kids. The kids asked a dog, "Are you the biggest dog in the world??"
    And the dog said, "No, the biggest dog in the world is down the street"

    So they go down the street and ask the dog there, "Are you the biggest dog in the world??"
    And the dog said, "No, the biggest dog in the world is in the ocean."

    So they go down to the ocean and ask the dog there, "Are you the biggest dog in the world??"
    And the dog said, "Yes."



    Why did the lion cross the road?
    Because he wanted to.



    What did Ken say to Ryu when he asked to borrow Ken's CD player?
    Shoryuken.

    What did Ryu say to Ken when he asked to borrow Ryu's CD player?
    No.



    Why did the hero get by the guardian?
    The guardian was on vacation.



    Q: Why is the alligator so ornery?
    A: Because of its enlarged medulla oblongata.



    Q: Why is their no aspirin in the jungle?
    A: Because it isn't economically viable to trade pharmaceuticals in a largely uninhabited region.


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    #10
    sonic juice
    Closed Accounts Posts: 377 ✭✭sonic juice


    Why did the ground feel so cold on the old man's feet?

    Because he was standing on ice with no shoes or socks on.


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    #11
    Kojak
    Registered Users Posts: 12,801 ✭✭✭✭Kojak


    sonic juice wrote:
    Why did the ground feel so cold on the old man's feet?

    Because he was standing on ice with no shoes or socks on.

    Jokes like that angry up the blood. :mad: :mad:


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    #12
    phantom_lord
    Registered Users Posts: 10,894 ✭✭✭✭phantom_lord


    johnny_ultimate wrote:
    A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

    "I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

    "What is it?"

    "Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

    The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to beat him. Savagely.

    that's not the punchline in the version i heard...


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    #13
    prospect
    Registered Users Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭prospect


    Two teddybears in a bath.
    One says "pass the soap"
    The other says "what do you think I am, a fupping typewriter?"


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    #14
    Feral Mutant
    Registered Users Posts: 950 ✭✭✭Feral Mutant


    What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
    One walks on the moon, one f*cks children.


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    #15
    Gordon
    Registered Users Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭Gordon


    abelard wrote:

    "Knock knock."
    "Who's there?"
    "Bob."
    "Go away Bob"
    Best joke evar! I lold at that tbh.


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    #16
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,504 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Duck goes into a bakery - "Got any bread?"

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #17
    johnny_ultimate
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 29,518 CMod ✭✭✭✭johnny_ultimate


    phantom_lord wrote:
    that's not the punchline in the version i heard...

    I did replace one word to make it marginally less offensive ;)
    Here's one of my favourites:

    Knock knock

    Who's there?

    It's the police. Im afraid we have some bad news...


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    #18
    Piste
    Registered Users Posts: 11,440 ✭✭✭✭Piste


    I love anti jokes!

    A blonde and a brunnette jump of a skyscraper, why lands first?

    They both crash at the same time, hair colour does not affect acceleration due to gravity.


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    #19
    kittenkiller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,433 ✭✭✭kittenkiller


    johnny_ultimate wrote:
    Knock knock

    Who's there?

    It's the police. Im afraid we have some bad news...
    Brilliant!

    What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

    Finding half a worm in your apple!

    What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple?
    The holocaust!


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    #20
    fillmore jive
    Closed Accounts Posts: 649 ✭✭✭fillmore jive


    What's brown and sticky? A stick.

    What's blue and fluffy? Blue fluff.

    what's black and fluffy? Blue fluff in the dark.

    Jimmy: Hey mam, teacher said today that if you eat an ectasy tablet your head explodes.
    Mam: No Jimmy, that's if you eat a bomb.


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    #21
    sonic juice
    Closed Accounts Posts: 377 ✭✭sonic juice


    this is the stuff the presidents drink

    really?

    no,jokes are not a liquid.


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    #22
    daithimac
    Registered Users Posts: 515 ✭✭✭daithimac


    me and a mate used to text each other writing things called unspeakable truths during the summer that were in the same vain as this stuff. we ripped the Idea from maxim.
    E.G. if everyone in Ireland who got under 200 points in there leaving cert were deported this would be a far better country


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    #23
    pbsuxok1znja4r
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭pbsuxok1znja4r


    What did Superman do on Sep11th when the twin towers collapsed?



    Nothing because he was in a wheelchair.


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