Uncaring husband!

dragona

I cannot believe it - I walked out of the house last night to look for my
son -it was 2.40 am and my husband -not only let me go by myself, but also
didn't even bother to follow me.

Our son has been causing a lot of problems at home, and after another
humdinger of a row(I was in bed) husband told him to get out. So he did -
with no cell phone, no coat and at one o'clock in the morning.Now he has
been known to storm out before and cool off for an hour or so,, but I have
always rung him or known where he was.

By 2.30 I was getting worried, and I told my husband that you do NOT sling
people out of their home at that time of night -regardless of what the row
was about. I was sitting up in bed with a coffee and announced that I was
going out to look for him. He did not move a muscle but told me not to
bother, he'd be back later.

I went anyway.On foot(I don't drive) After 15 mins or so I truly expected
the car to pull up with my husband in it but no. He was quite happy to let
me wander around town for a good 45 minutes alone. I was on my way back when he rung to say son had just walked in. I came home to find husband still in the bloody bed, totally nonplussed. I am pacing the floor, I cannot BELIEVE someone could be so uncaring of me to the point of knowing that I am out wandering the streets at that time of night, and not come look for me at least.

Silverfish

quite happy to let
me wander around town for a good 45 minutes alone.

So were you.

so uncaring of me to the point of knowing that I am out wandering the streets at that time of night, and not come look for me at least

Were you lost? If you want to go storming out of the house, on foot, to wander the town for 45 minutes at 2.40am, then why should you complain that he let you go storming out of the house, on foot, to wander the town for 45 minutes at 2.40am.

If he was to do something wrong, would you blame yourself for letting him, or would you expect him to take responsibility for his own actions?

Fair enough, your son was out there, but unless he was under 18 I wouldn't go out looking for him. And if I felt I had to go, I would ask my husband to come with me, not treat it as a test.

Ruu_Old

I think the relationship between your husband and son is badly damaged, from the situation you described, it seems to me that he is fed up with the arguing is and is giving up on it. It happened before and your son came back, he was probably also thinking that way. You need to sit them down and sort it out, stop it from blowing up like this all the time and before it gets any worse.

Oryx

Id talk to your husband about the whole issue with your son. He seems to be dealing with it in a whole other way than you. Have the problems been ongoing? And how old is your son?

And you did decide to go out.... and he did phone you....:)

secret_squirrel

Your husband gives your son an ultimatum and then you turn around a give your husband one.

Seriously how do you think that was a good idea? How did it help the situation?

I'd take a long hard look at the dynamics of your family tbh. You all seem as bad as each other.

As for hubby not wanting to go out - maybe he just didnt want to be manipulated by you or your son?

What is the root cause of all these rows?

bug

dragona wrote:

I cannot believe it - I walked out of the house last night to look for my
son -it was 2.40 am and my husband -not only let me go by myself, but also
didn't even bother to follow me.

Our son has been causing a lot of problems at home, and after another
humdinger of a row(I was in bed) husband told him to get out. So he did -
with no cell phone, no coat and at one o'clock in the morning.Now he has
been known to storm out before and cool off for an hour or so,, but I have
always rung him or known where he was.

By 2.30 I was getting worried, and I told my husband that you do NOT sling
people out of their home at that time of night -regardless of what the row
was about. I was sitting up in bed with a coffee and announced that I was
going out to look for him. He did not move a muscle but told me not to
bother, he'd be back later.

I went anyway.On foot(I don't drive) After 15 mins or so I truly expected
the car to pull up with my husband in it but no. He was quite happy to let
me wander around town for a good 45 minutes alone. I was on my way back when he rung to say son had just walked in. I came home to find husband still in the bloody bed, totally nonplussed. I am pacing the floor, I cannot BELIEVE someone could be so uncaring of me to the point of knowing that I am out wandering the streets at that time of night, and not come look for me at least.

My mother always wondered why my dad would be sound asleep at 3am and she would be tossing and turning, waiting for us to come home from a night out.. seems just to be a fact of life.

while it takes the bigger person to stop a row and say "we'll discuss this in the morning".. you strike me as a bit odd.

Why are you more concerned about yourself here, rather than the issues with your son?

Your husband seemed to be more aware of your son's pattern of behaviour.
If I was annoyed at anything it would be the fact that the two of them were arguing and should have settled it in the light of day, no, perhaps he shouldnt have thrown your son out.

But you seem to be a little self absorbed here. For the night that was in it...maybe he was just sick and tired of it all.
But your anger/upset is a little misdirected.

LundiMardi

Well, lets see here, your husband and son had an argument and your husband through your son out, not for the first time either.

You become the overprotective mother and tried to find him, not knowing where he was, so how exactly were you planning on finding him? Your husband told you he would be back eventually, which turned out to be true.

Your husband was trying to make a stand against your son, him going to find your son would be like backing down to him. If you've been having troubles with your son recently then maybe a bit of tough love wouldn't go a miss?

Anyway, i can't see what your husband did wrong here, you're a big girl now, you don't need someone to escort you everywhere you go, regardless of where or what time it is, you made the decision to go and look for your son.

dragona

Erm -just to clarify
I did not storm out - I waited an hour and a half, I didn't bother to ask him to accompany me as I knew he would refuse. He said he didn't give a shti about finding him as he would come back. Even so,it did occur to me after about 15 mins that maybe he would be concerned about me. Obviously not!

The relationship between husband and son is not the issue here(well it is) but that is not what I wanted to talk about.

secret_squirrel - what ultimatum did I give? I just think is out of order to lie in bed not giving a damn when your wife is out searching for a child ,your child, alone, at that hour of the night.

bug - I am not "more concerned about myself " rather than the son issues. Those are issues I do not need to discuss here.
Thanks for the input.

seamus

What age is your son?

I'm still confused as to why you left in the first place. Your husband probably thought that if he went to find/get you, then he would be roped into searching for your son, and then he feels like he backed down.

If after 15 minutes, you were worried for your own safety, why didn't you go home? I find it odd that you would fear for your safety, curse your husband for not coming to find you, but you continued wandering the streets for a further 30 minutes. Did you not take a mobile with you and ring him to ask him to collect you because you were scared?

Pigman II

I think it's important that a husband and wife are singing off the same hymnsheet - even when it's against their own children.

Your husband was trying to show the son who the boss in his and your house is. You undermined him with your pussyfooting. The husband was right to tell you to go swivel.

vorbis

dragona, you were trying to manipulate your husband into helping you search. What would have happened if he had gone out after you?

"Oh since you're here, WE might as well look for him"

Its a standard female tactic, my mom, sister, girlfriends, female friends all play the little by little tactic. They won't argue the main issue but will keep doing little things and in no time they make their way look inevitable.

bug

Pigman II wrote:

I think it's important that a husband and wife are singing off the same hymnsheet - even when it's against their own children.

Your husband was trying to show the son who the boss in his and your house is. You undermined him with your pussyfooting. The husband was right to tell you to go swivel.

strong but true.
I would say that you and your husband need to sit down and work out a united approach to whatever issues your son is causing/has etc.

Then maybe one won't be throwing him out while the other is going looking.
And it won't be causing issues between the two of you.

MojoMaker

Pigman II wrote:

I think it's important that a husband and wife are singing off the same hymnsheet - even when it's against their own children.

Your husband was trying to show the son who the boss in his and your house is. You undermined him with your pussyfooting. The husband was right to tell you to go swivel.

This is not the advice the OP came here to receive. She wants to be told she's in the right and her husband was a pr1ck. Will someone please post this and we can be done with it.

Talliesin

If you and your husband were both out looking for him, who would have been at the house waiting in case he returned, as a rational search would need.

Sorry, but this doesn't read like someone looking for advice, this reads like one half of a couple who are fighting doing yet another thing to convince them that they're 100% in the right and so can let rip that bit more next time there's an argument.

Trinity

As a mother i would have gone out to look for my son too.

From your point of view, i would be hurt to think that my husband didnt care enough about me to follow me and protect me (even though i chose to go!) which is what you exspect from your partner.

But i dont think its that he didnt care. I would imagine it was more pride. He may have been pretty angry with your son, possibly had it up to his neck with the trouble hes causing and felt like going out looking for him (even though he would have just been accompanying you!) was backing down and your son would have won.

I dont know what kind of relationship you have with either your husband or your son, however kids can drive a huge wedge between couples. You may feel torn between your partner and your son, after all you gave him life just cos hes a big boy now doesnt mean the maternal instincts disappear.

I know you dont want to discuss it here, but like others have said it is best to get to the root of the problem with your son in the cold light of day.
You havent said how old he is but soon enough he may fly the nest and your relationship with your husband could be strained.

So if you can get yourslef into a position where you do not have to divide your loyalties between your husband and your son, i think maybe it will be less stressful on you all round.

the_syco

Pigman II wrote:

I think it's important that a husband and wife are singing off the same hymnsheet - even when it's against their own children.

Your husband was trying to show the son who the boss in his and your house is. You undermined him with your pussyfooting. The husband was right to tell you to go swivel.

Totally second that.

Also, your partner may know how to treat it better than you, as he may have once been the rebelious son. I know that if I become a daddy to a son, I'll know at about 10 I'll get a rule breaker.

Lust4Life

I agree with PigmanII as well.
You do need to put up a united front or your son is going to play you like a violin! They are VERY good at dividing parents, smelling out the weaker one and hitting all the right nerves.


I have friends going through the same thing right now. The son finally p1ssed off mom enough that she agrees with dad in kicking the kid out for good (He's dealing drugs and many other nasty things).
They told him he had until 6PM the following day to get out.
And what did the son do? He got mom in a room alone and said "You don't love me! I knew it! You don't care if I wind up dead!"
Luckily the mom is holding firm. The son needs to either grow up or do his nasty things away from his siblings!


So, OP, have a long talk with Hubby and decide where you both stand and how you'll deal with it BEFORE it comes to a dramatic finale!

silvine

It seems to me you're husband was right, your son did come back. Also you just presumed/expected him to follow you and your way of dealing with the situation. His way of dealing with it seemed to cause the least amount of hassle for all concerned (except you). Where was the communication between the two of you? He's not a mindreader.

OliviaM

I could see thaat your husband knew what he was doing but you've over reacted so you went down looking for your son. He, not coming to follow you has nothing to do with the care he has for you. He was just giving your son a lesson.

Beruthiel

dragona
You left out quite a few important details in your comments.
First off, the age of your son?
Secondly, what exactly was the row about?

I have to wonder about why the relationship between you all went south.
I have an 18 year old daughter, she knows how to behave in my house. Have lines been drawn for your son so that he knows not to cross them or there will be consequences?
If he is over 18, he's an adult and should know how to behave, if he is not behaving then I don't see what was so wrong in throwing him out. He needs to know that bad behaviour will not be tolerated. Why you felt the need to go after him is beyond me. You undermine all your husbands work, how come you both are not on the same page with regards to this. Isn't this something that the both of you have discussed? If not, you should be.

If your son is under 18, then that's a whole other story.

Either way, if you are married, then surely game playing should be long left behind. You are an adult, if you wish for your husband to come out with you in the middle of the night, you just ask him. From what you say above, you were acting like a sulky teenager yourself. So what if he let you off alone? This isn't Baghdad, you can still walk around at night without much happening to you in this country. Honestly, sounds to me like you both need to go see a professional and work out how to relate to one another.

Black Swan

It would appear that your family has some serious issues to sort out? It's obvious that the father-son relationship needs work, but also the "family"? Maybe it's time to get a referral from your GP for a family counsellor?

letterman

Did you ask your husband how far the situation had degenerated before he lost it and kicked him out of the house.I think you should both have discussed what happened before the search party was launched.Your husband probably feels pissed off at the lack of support received and who could blame him!

BTW, who made the coffee for you in bed at that time of night?

Seems like junior is playing both parents off against each other, a distraction technique that takes the attention off of his misdemeanours every time. Wonder how the last situation was resolved.

Ickle Magoo

I can't really add to what has already been said without knowing how old your son is...

Presumably your husband didn't throw out your eight year old & I am presuming your husband is not completely unreasonable & your son did something of sufficient gravity to warrant being ejected from your house?

I would go so far as to say the fact you go running after your son whenever your husband attempts to dicipline him is making the situation worse. At some stage you have to let go & make your son see that actions have reparcussions. You also have to confront any problems with your children as a joint unit or you will never solve anything. Best of luck.

secret_squirrel

dragona wrote:

The relationship between husband and son is not the issue here(well it is) but that is not what I wanted to talk about.

Tough. You post on here you lay yourself open to whatever responses we choose to give.

99% of the posts on here, have advised to

1. Look at your family situation.
2. Not expect your husband to go chasing out after you.

Those obviously arent the answers you want to hear, yet they are the ones you are stuck with. Given that most of the posters are in agreement with this it sorta suggests you get over your little temper tantrum, and deal with the real issues.

Or did MojoMaker come too close to the truth :

This is not the advice the OP came here to receive. She wants to be told she's in the right and her husband was a pr1ck. Will someone please post this and we can be done with it.

Cop on - this issue isnt about your hurt feelings - its about sorting out your family relationships. Until you realise that things are going to get worse whilst you dwell on trivial issues.

letterman

just wondering OP did this ever get resolved