She has a boyfriend- What do I do?

sceptre

Lil Kitten wrote:

Guys always think they own girls or their some trophy

Bollocks they do. You might get away with that statement if you put the word "some" at the start but either way you need a smaller tarring brush.

oldboy

troublemaker wrote:

what is my concern is that we don't see how far we can go together

how far would you like to go ?? until you're going out with her for 5.5 years and she dumps you when somebody else makes a move on her ?

Talliesin

Lil Kitten wrote:

Guys always think they own girls or their some trophy, OP is trying to "steal her away".

Frankly, sounds like you have a problem in terms of the guys you are meeting.

dr.bollocko

Even if she does get with you, she has a 5 and a half year relationship to get over. Basically all she will be doing is dleeping with the illusion of you, i.e. the reclamation of her single life after 5 and a half years attached. No matter how great the relationship is, after that long, she must have thought numerous times that she would prefer to be single.
So even if she does get with you, its only an affirmation of her as a single person, and an angle that you might have stumbled across when willing yourself into her bed. frankly I dont care what you worry and dont worry about from this scenario, if you do do anything you are being a prick and deserve any and all unhappiness coming to you because of it.
But it sounds like a lesson or two would do you good anyway.

Scorpio Girl

i was going out with a guy for 4.5 years and someone like you troublemaker came along. he done the dirt, only once, but it was enough. i finished it straight away. he ended up with the girl that he'd done the dirt on me with and made my and her life hell for about 2 years after it. he constantly phoned me, hounded me in fact, treated her like dirt and hit any fella i was with even if they were just friends of mine.
stay away until she makes her decision. if not you'll just be a rebound thing.

Annie Bananie

Seems like noone gives this girl any credit at all..
Doesn't she have her own will?
Just simply tell her that you like her, and let her deside.
If she says no, let it go.
If she says yes, then she is all up for it.

I would not spend the rest of my life thinking "what if?"
Life is too damn short anyways.
I say follow your heart!

dr.bollocko

But thats ridiculous. "What if" argument cant just be applied to every situation in which you might potentially gain from it.
What if I had robbed that bank when I thought of it.
What if I had gone after that porn star I recognised at the airport.
What if I took that job in London.
What if I didnt step on **** that time on the side of the road.
If something is meant to happen it will happen somehow. Its not the issue I have a problem with it, but the attitude of the OP that sucks. If it was some wild-eyed romantic notion of the untouchable girl that you have adored quietly for ages and maybe the boyfriend was an asshole or something I could swallow it better. But it seems like a cynical ploy rather than an expression of doomed longing.

Miss Fluff

Annie Bananie wrote:

Seems like noone gives this girl any credit at all..
Doesn't she have her own will?
Just simply tell her that you like her, and let her deside.
If she says no, let it go.
If she says yes, then she is all up for it.

I would not spend the rest of my life thinking "what if?"
Life is too damn short anyways.
I say follow your heart!

Agreed. Tell her you like her, if she likes you too HURRAH.
If not, at least you won't always ponder what could have been.

upthere

troublemaker wrote:

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

Make your own mind up on this one, only you can decide. It's a questions that different types of people will give their point of view on some people would say go for it others don't its selfish etc. So no point in being stuckin in conflicting advise only if you start a relationship like that it will end with bad only in my opinion. Especially if you are basing your emotions on only significant chemistry and no actual strong bond or affair. It's just childish really, do what you want and reap consequences if you have any. I wouldn't like to steal a girl from another lad because I would think low of myself and the girl. I couldn't love someone who done that or feel right knowing she upset a lad, she could do the same to me if she had the chance.

secrecy_ie

I have been with my boyfriend now for nearly six years, we are extremelly happy and I love him to bits. Every now and then lads try to come on to me even though they know I am with someone, I find it very irritating and I cannot have any respect for someone who would try to do that. I am friendly to everyone, but it does make me uneasy and I really feel like telling them to f*ck off I'm not interested, but you cant just say that to someone, so you have to smile politely, knowing lads they probably think I fancy them back, ye are all so delusional!!!!

dr.bollocko

We aren't all delusional. Just.... some of us some of the time. Particularly those inexperienced with relationships or the long term single.
But i think that this is definitely a delusional OP.

Ickle Magoo

I think Unreg21222 makes a good point re this girl already saying she was in a relationship. If I say I'm married I expect that to cover all eventualities with regards to the expectations of the lad I'm chatting to - I don't expect him to assume that despite being married & telling him I'm married, that I also have to add "Oh, and I don't want a divorce so I can date you"...maybe that's just me tho.

I also have to agree with the folks who say the onus is on the GF to say no (or yes), not on the guy to back off from another man's "territory"...if you feel so insecure within a relationship that you see a guy chancing his arm as a threat rather than a compliment, then I think you (anyone) must have some serious trust & jealousy issues. If your relationship is so bad that your bf/gf is going to run off with another girl/guy then you are better off without them, it's certainly not a relationship worth fighting over.

megadodge

This might be a little long but maybe I'm getting it off my chest, so...

I was in a very similar situation to the OP a number of years back, with one exception - I was quite friendly with the boyfriend. He is a nice guy and I have a lot of respect for him. Through him I ended up getting to know his girlfriend and circumstances brought us (gf + me) together on our own on quite a regular basis for a few years. Over time I grew to really like her and look forward to her company.

As I got to know her better she began to confide more and more and soon it became apparant that all was not rosey in their long-term relationship. Things were actually quite bad a lot of the time, but I never offered my opinion out of loyalty to him, I just listened.

However, somewhere along the line (whether this was cos of all the bad stories or whether it would have happened anyway I'm not sure) I ended up genuinely falling for her and feeling massively guilty at the same time but tried to justify it with the excuse that they were obviously an unhappy couple - which they were !

To make a very long story slightly shorter I eventually let her know of my feelings after numerous (what I thought were) 'hints', particularly when she had drink on her and at a time when it seemed almost certain that they were about to break up again for probably the last time - he was going abroad to study for 4 years, she wasn't.

BIG MISTAKE !!!!

In the classic way that only a woman in a bad relationship can do she defended them to the last (have seen my mother and numerous others do this regularly) while at the same time refusing to answer my incriminating questions and claimed to 'not remember' the various 'hints' I mentioned earlier, etc. TBH I was quite easy on her when she contradicted herself again and again as I was completely shellshocked and disgusted with myself for letting myself get into the whole situation.

End result - Bit of a falling out. Eventually partially patched up as I apologised and she accepted that 'you had to know one way or the other'.


So, from a results point of view OP, I don't think you have a snowball's chance in hell, but from a moral point of view I don't have a problem with you trying. I firmly believe that the only people responsible for a relationship breakup are the two involved (please don't anybody reply along the lines of "if one of them was murdered, the murderer is responsilbe" etc.). If they are happy she'll disappoint you, if they are not she'll probably still disappoint you ! If a miracle happens well fair play, 'cos "all IS fair in love and war".

As for those that would beat the crap outta him, you might as well walk around with a big billboard on you saying "I am shockingly insecure and immature". If you're not good enough to keep her attracted - tough sh!t !!

secret_squirrel

Lil Kitten wrote:

After 5.5 years they prob aren't all lovey dovey like you're making out. More a comfort, friend zone, rut perhaps after so long?

Then again theres also a reasonable chance that they are settled down, planning weddings, house purchase and kids. :rolleyes:

kayos

Tell her how you feel, if you just continue to be friends while hiding that you are being dishonest to both you and her. But for heaven sakes dont do any thing to try and break them up or do anything physical while she is still with him.

To the guys that would resort to physical violance against any other guy for just expressing their feelings I have one thing to say grow up. Fists solve nothing. If your GF stays with you then take it as a compliment, if she leaves you then there was something up with your relationship that you where to blind to see.

I have been ditched in this way before (more than once), and yes at the time I was raging. But after looking back at it I was at fault. It wasnt him or her.

We all have free will and if a person decides that their relationship with you is over that is their choice. if you have been to blind to see whats been going wrong in the relationship then why would they stay with you? Its up to the party being approached, if they are comfortable and happy in their relationship the other person will be quickly told where to go. If they are not then its up to them to decide if they really want to leave their current relationship.

Basiclly there is no ideal solution to your problem. You ask for the answer on a public forum and you will hear 101 different answers. I have told you what my view on it is, others have told theirs. The only view I have a problem with is the ones where beating someone up is the answer.

One point is you are coming across a bit self centered, thats the one thing I would stop and think about. Are you doing this purely for your satisfaction or do you honestly wish the best for the person in question? Be very sure this is what you want before you do anything.

Trickyz

torublemaker, youre talking months of chemistry... then what... her bf and her have been for five and a half years. Think about it

Froot

troublemaker wrote:

I have been thinking about these situatioins for a while(it's pretty common) and while I can see the benefits of 'not interfering', I also see the benefits of succeeding.

I think people are saying steer clear because you haven't got a snowballs chance in hell of succeeding...not because you would instantly break up a 5 year relationship. It appears that your also ignoring peoples advice in general when you start explaining why you think it would succeed etc. There is no harm in being positive and I am an advocate of doing things people wouldn't normally do but I think its a pipe dream.

Five years of a relationship has to earn them some kind of loyalty and interest towards eachother.

Find someone else, she will make a move if she really does want to be with you.

Also what age are you both?

Húrin

troublemaker wrote:

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

Don't, that's infidelity-bait. You would be a bastard to do it.

LegacyUser

'My two cents:\r\n\r\nI\'m a girl, and after reading this thread I am actually shocked at some of the responses! First off--why is a girl in a long term relationship \"off limits\"? I know plenty of people with boyfriends and girlfriends that are with them only because out of particular number of people they have met, they are the best one they have found. you spend your life searching for \"the one\", and after a certain amount of searching they find someone thats better than the rest--the connection is better and attraction is mutual. but what happens if you (after 5 years, whenever) find someone you like better? its envitable that with more time you will find someone you find more attractive/funnier/you love more..etc.why would being in a relationship change that? \r\n\r\npeople leave marraiges with kids after 20 years, so i really dont get this attitude of some people that a person liking a person in a longterm relationship is crazy and selfish. how? its her responsibility to let him know how happy she is in the relationship. and no, telling a guy that you have a boyfriend isnt telling them--bugger off--you\'d better not hit on me! thats like assuming that every guy we tell that we have a bf fancies us!\r\n\r\nI\'m just out of a relationship--and i wasnt \"in love\" with the guy, but i was happy enough to be with him for the time being, it was better than being alone. some ,may consider THAT as selfish, but i mite have grown to love him--i gave it a chance. lots of people are in relationships instead of being alone. and trust me if that girl is unhappy in her 5 year relationship she will be terrified to leave it. its what she knows and whats been the norm for so long. so maybe leaving it to be with someone else is easier than just leavin a relationship to be alone. so to the OP, think you should tell her. dont think she\'ll leave him but at least she\'ll know and then she can tell you either way. Its not a crime to fancy someone. and her having a bf just makes the odds very slim.'

Catari Jaguar

OP, so did you ask her out or what??

helpme

Leave her with her boyfriend.

Think of it the other way around. What if some guy tried to do the samething to your girlfriend. you wouldnt like it would you

please for te sake of all 3 of you. leaver her be

LegacyUser

'Hi all. \r\nWell seeing as someone expressed an interest in what I subsequently did, I thought I would update you. \r\nRemember I had no intention of \'\'forcing her hand\'\'(Weird) or such- I was only planning on telling her of my interest in her, putting the ball in her court(to use a cheap metaphor).\r\n\r\nI have spent a lot of time with her and after some thought have decided she is not the one for me. I have not told her how I feel as its not strong enough to last 5/6 years. Im sure you recnogise those little things that may not grate early on in a relationship but end up killing the attraction & respect down the line.\r\n\r\nWhat surprised me is some of the replies. Obviously I don\'t see anything morally wrong with being the cause of a break up. Indeed a girl my friend was with broke up with her boyfriend to be with him. Could it be that the most attractive(physically & otherwise) never seem to be single- especially when you want them to be...\r\n\r\nThere is nothing wrong with expressing your interest in a girl that has a bf; if you are friendly with the bf it is a different matter. I find it easier to meet girls through guys than girls. I would see guy friends with higher potential than girl friends(obviously there are exceptions; and close girlfriends are awesome, I am talking about friends that you know for about 3-4 months).\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDr. Bollocko: your \'What if- doesn\'t matter\' argument was hysterical and irrelevant. What If can be applied to many things, including relationships. To people who saw a chance, went for it disregarding the potential damage to their own person and ended up with more than they ever imagined ; the What If arguement is highlhy valid. To equate it with robbing banks(why bother for monetary gain?) and porn stars(i wouldn\'t go after people who cheapen themselves... but that\'s just me) is silly. Get a grip.\r\n\r\nThe female poster that holds no respect for guys that come onto her with the full knowledge of her relationship status may find it annoying, but I counter that if all such interest in her dried up she would feel unwanted, unattractive & undesirable. Is that better?\r\n\r\nTo all the posters that threatened voilence: I hope you and your very unattractive girlfriends are happy. Just remember that if she doesnt have the dinner ready tomorrow evening; it\'s not a valid reason to give her a black eye.'

aidan24326

OP, another load of smug self-centred tosh. It's a pity now that you didn't tell her how you feel so she could have sent you scampering away with your tail between your legs.

Obviously I don't see anything morally wrong with being the cause of a break up

Well you didn't get the chance to break up anything in this case, except in your own inflated head. And yes it is wrong to intentionally destabilise (or try to) somebody else's relationship.

helpme

aidan24326 wrote:

OP, another load of smug self-centred tosh. It's a pity now that you didn't tell her how you feel so she could have sent you scampering away with your tail between your legs.



Well you didn't get the chance to break up anything in this case, except in your own inflated head. And yes it is wrong to intentionally destabilise (or try to) somebody else's relationship.

Aidan,

I totally agree with you.

this guy is the exact same as the guy that broke up a relationship i had.

OP. she is in a relationship for a reason. leave her be.


You are a selfish child!

nitrogen

troublemaker wrote:

Hi all.
Long time listener, 1st time poster...

Thing is- I met a great girl. She has a boyfriend(5.5years). I wonder if I should make a mopve on her. I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me. I really don't want to be left wondering ''What if?''.

Put yourself in the same situation. I consider us having enough chemistry to have a future tpgether, beyond a few months. What would you do?

cheers for all your thoughts.

Don't be a c*nt; stay away.

Catari Jaguar

helpme wrote:

Aidan,

I totally agree with you.

this guy is the exact same as the guy that broke up a relationship i had.

OP. she is in a relationship for a reason. leave her be.


You are a selfish child!

A guy can't break up a relationship, I'm sorry. Even if it was by spreading poison about you and being devious, which OP wasnt being... But if that guy didnt hit on your girlf she more than likely would have dumped you for someone else eventually. She obv liked other people. Don't blame another guy for your relationship shortcomings. If it was stable, it wouldn't matter who tried to break you up with declarations of love now would it?

Or would you have preferred if your girlf had stayed with you but harboured feelings for the other guy and compromised her and their potential happiness for you so you wouldn't be upset?

THAT would be selfish on your part.

dublinlawyer

The replies here are littered with generalisations. I think this is a an example of a query where you have to see what is happening with you own eyes before you can advise and therefore not ideal for the boards.
Im in precisely the same situation and I have a fair idea how Im going to play it. The girl is going out with someone for a similar length of time. Ive known her now for quite a while and I wont go into the details.
But I will say this - just cause a girl is going out with a guy for 5.5 years doesnt mean she is still in love or that she will end up with him forever - people end up with the wrong people all the time, for the wrong reasons, for the wrong length of time. For those who say you havent got a chance - they cant say that. Many of the guys replying to this do so out of protection of their own situation. But they are probably in good working relationships. Other people arent so lucky.
My advice - say your piece. Say it as honestly and openly as you can. Dont 'make a move' - your older than 16 I presume. Once you clear you conscience then you can fall in love properly or move on.