Bereavement

loopyloulou

Hi,

My best mates brother died 3 weeks ago from a brain aneurysm, he was only 25! They were so close and he died so suddenly that she cant come to terms with it at all. Im at a loss as to how to help her. Shes lost without him, she cant imagine getting back to normal life cos hes not in. She lost her phone the other day and got hysterical cos there were txt messages on it from him and she was going into shops asking had anyone handed it in and putting up reward posters for someone to give it back to her if they found it!! Shes so angry aswell which i understand is a normal part of the bereavement process but that in turn has lead her to not even caring if shes here or not. She doesnt care about anything anymore so how can you help someone who doesnt care if theyre alive or dead. What do i do? How soon can she go to bereavement councelling? Is it too soon now? I think it is as she doesnt even seem to have accepted the fact that hes gone. Im going with her to the docs as she has to get tests done to see if she has an aneurysm aswell, seemingly theyre hereditory! If she does have one how the hell can she break that news to her parents?? This is all playing on her mind. Her parents are in an awful state aswell but are so worried about her that its hard for them to grieve properly themselves. I fear shes gonna have a mental breakdown but have no idea how to stop it from happening. Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has been in the same postion id love to hear what you did.
Thanks
Lou

gandalf

TBH 3 weeks is not a long time in the grieving process, my old man died this time last year and it still hits me.

I haven't had bereavment councilling but by the sounds of it I think you should get your friend talking to someone as soon as possible. The main thing is be there as her friend because she will need you.

As regards the chance she may have an aneurysm you can only cross that bridge when they know, hopefully she is fine. But just be there for her.

wyndham

loopyloulou wrote:

What do i do? How soon can she go to bereavement councelling? Is it too soon now? I think it is as she doesnt even seem to have accepted the fact that hes gone.

The counselling wil surely help her to accept this?

CathyMoran

I can only speak as someone whoes mum survived a brain haemorrage but who was left brain damaged and as someone who had the test done and as someone with a life threateniing illness.

OK, the easier thing to deal with - the test. It is an easy test to do. If she is at risk there is something that she can do about it and her brother probably saved her life. If the worst happens and she is at risk she will be OK, it will not be easy, but something can be done.

In terms of the grief - I lost my best friend 26 years ago when she was 6, I am still greiving now at times, it is far harder when it is someone young like your friends case but it is always hard. I lost my gran when she was 100 in April and it was the only time in my life when it was bearable. All that you can do is be there for her when it all dies down, at the moment there is a lot of fuss around the place, be there for her when most people have moved on. There are certain times in your life when it is OK to loose control, this is one of them, she is not loosing her mind, she is just grieving. I never went to bereavement councelling but if she feels like she needs it there is no harm. I currently have a rather bad cancer and am going to go to councelling over it though I am feeling fine as I want to use my energy on the cancer not on any issues that may arrise, there is no shame in councelling...having said that, I think that half of my family need it at the moment as they are not taking it well but that is another issue!

You are being a good friend - she is lucky to have you.

cluborange86

i think the fact that your here looking for ways to help your friend shows how much you care. if your there for her when others fade away then thats the best thing you can do.

i lost my brother 7 years ago, he was 23 and i was 13 to this day it still affects me. it has such a major influence on my life i think about him all the time. i recently started going to counselling for it and for other issues which im finding it helpful but im not sure if its too soon for your friend or not. suggest it to her and take it from there.

i wish i talked bout everything to someone sooner than i have but i think in my teenage years i would have told whoever suggested counselling where to go.

this time of year is gonna be really hard for her year after year so just be there for her

Esel

Maybe her brother's phone still has the texts he sent? If so, she could have them sent to her new phone. Just an idea.

cluborange86

about the phone messages etc when my brother died i recorded his answering machine onto a dicta phone. i thought it was a good thing to do. again its just an idea

when my dad had my brothers phone after he died he wrote out the last few messages from his phone and it turned out that i sent the last message to him, i cant even remember sending it to be honest but it was such a nice thing to see

jammie

OP I lost my brother 2 & a half years ago and he died very suddenly, I never thought I could go on without him, again like your friend, i went spare when my phone went awol because i had missed calls from my brother (he cdnt txt as he was mentally handicapped) I was in bits, I even went into shops a week after he died asking them to get video footage of us the day before he died, I was out of control...However I personally think it's way 2 soon for counselling, I started counselling a year after he died and to be honest it didnt help me at all, it all depends on the person I think..I met a fantastic guy just under a year and a half ago and he has changed my life totally, I now know that life does go on and I know my brother is in a better place but it has taken me over 2 years to accept this...Not saying I dont have bad days when all I want is my brother but it does get better ..If you want my number pm...

McGinty

Hi

I lost my sister 13 months ago, she committed suicide and ah, what can I say, well I'm still grieving, it is very difficult, also for friends who support me, sometimes I get the impression that some of them think I should be better now, as time goes on it gets harder in ways. I can only adivice you to listen to her, be patient - she will go through many, many stages, depression, anger, forgetfulness, hyperactivity (possibly - I get that sometimes, where I get a little manic) she have an occasional good day, they are sweet but short lived.

As for counselling, the thing is it is very, very individual, as with grieving, I'll add just let her express herself in what ever way she wants, don;t box her into a time frame, I have lost some friends because they expected me to be better by now, I don; mind because they weren't genuine then, but be patient. Sorry I went on a tangent there, basically I am getting counselling now, in the early days it was too soon for me, but I repressed a lot. If your friend is highly expressive and emotional as hard as it is to witness, beleive it or not, she will come through the other side much quicker. Some people repress or ignore their grief and try to carry on as normal, (I did this) others scream and wail and cannot function but also get it out of their system quicker (as one woman I knew who did this).

Also at this point in time, I can hazard that your friend is still in the numb and 'it hasn't really happened' stage, again it calls for patience. Don't try and fix her, just let her be.

Esel

McG, I was told that it takes two years to recover from the death of a loved one. In my case, it was the death of someone elderly, and was expected for a long time. I imagine that premature, sudden death could be a different issue altogether.

Mocrie14

loopyloulou wrote:

Hi,

My best mates brother died 3 weeks ago from a brain aneurysm, he was only 25! They were so close and he died so suddenly that she cant come to terms with it at all. Im at a loss as to how to help her. Shes lost without him, she cant imagine getting back to normal life cos hes not in. She lost her phone the other day and got hysterical cos there were txt messages on it from him and she was going into shops asking had anyone handed it in and putting up reward posters for someone to give it back to her if they found it!! Shes so angry aswell which i understand is a normal part of the bereavement process but that in turn has lead her to not even caring if shes here or not. She doesnt care about anything anymore so how can you help someone who doesnt care if theyre alive or dead. What do i do? How soon can she go to bereavement councelling? Is it too soon now? I think it is as she doesnt even seem to have accepted the fact that hes gone. Im going with her to the docs as she has to get tests done to see if she has an aneurysm aswell, seemingly theyre hereditory! If she does have one how the hell can she break that news to her parents?? This is all playing on her mind. Her parents are in an awful state aswell but are so worried about her that its hard for them to grieve properly themselves. I fear shes gonna have a mental breakdown but have no idea how to stop it from happening. Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has been in the same postion id love to hear what you did.
Thanks
Lou

Aneurysms run in my family (couple of cousins died from brain haemoragges).
An aneurysm wont kill anyone but if it bursts it might (brain haemorrage). My Dad had a haemorrage (he's fine) so all the kids got checked out. Myself and my sister had an aneurysm (test is easy - angiogram). Sis had hers coiled - (they go in through groin). She is great now. I had to have mine clipped due to its location and this meant they had to cut my head open. Was in hospital for a week but was sitting up reading 36hrs after op. Was home painting house 1 week after op. Have peace of mind now cos I know I'll never drop dead of a brain haemorrage.

Tell you friend to get checked out ASAP.

Black Swan

Suggest counselling to aid in the grief process?

Laura Fitz06

hi my dad had one in march we were lucky he is fine now . but when we asked would me and my 2 sisters need to be checked they said no not unless one of u have one then they would check the other 2. so how do u go about being checked.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

CathyMoran

Laura Fitz06 wrote:

hi my dad had one in march we were lucky he is fine now . but when we asked would me and my 2 sisters need to be checked they said no not unless one of u have one then they would check the other 2. so how do u go about being checked.

Ask your friendly GP will they refer you for a check (even an MRI would be a good idea). I got it done privatly for just over €400. It was well worth it.

Mocrie14

Laura Fitz06 wrote:

hi my dad had one in march we were lucky he is fine now . but when we asked would me and my 2 sisters need to be checked they said no not unless one of u have one then they would check the other 2. so how do u go about being checked.

Sounds like a load of crap. My dad had a haemorrage and we all got tested for aneurysms. Out of four kids, two of us had one (my sis actually had two). Got them treated and all is well thank god.

I suggest you get referrred from GP to a neurologist and let them organise a test. I had angiogram cos it was felt that they were more accurate than MRI but that was 4 yrs ago and there seems to be more confidence in MRI scans now. Get it done ASAP.

CathyMoran

Bazbu wrote:

Sounds like a load of crap. My dad had a haemorrage and we all got tested for aneurysms. Out of four kids, two of us had one (my sis actually had two). Got them treated and all is well thank god.

I suggest you get referrred from GP to a neurologist and let them organise a test. I had angiogram cos it was felt that they were more accurate than MRI but that was 4 yrs ago and there seems to be more confidence in MRI scans now. Get it done ASAP.

The angio carries its own risk. We were not told that we had to get the scan either, though we were advised to after I bugged my diabetic doctor enough, I wanted to know. Normally they do not advise it (my mum had a brain haemorrage and my great aunt died from one and an uncle may have died from one so I have enough history of them).

Mocrie14

CathyMoran wrote:

The angio carries its own risk. We were not told that we had to get the scan either, though we were advised to after I bugged my diabetic doctor enough, I wanted to know. Normally they do not advise it (my mum had a brain haemorrage and my great aunt died from one and an uncle may have died from one so I have enough history of them).

We were told by leading neurologist in Beaumont, that if parents have aneurysms then there is a reasonable chance that one of the kids will and he strongly advised us all to get checked out which we promptly did.

CathyMoran

Bazbu wrote:

We were told by leading neurologist in Beaumont, that if parents have aneurysms then there is a reasonable chance that one of the kids will and he strongly advised us all to get checked out which we promptly did.

We attended the same guy, he eventually told my brother to be tested but initially did not tell us to get the test. Still working on my brother...