Im a guy with a shattered heart

Jocry

Im sorry for starting this thread but I would really appreciate some input from you guys!

2 months ago I met this girl who basically I've completely fallen for. It has been the first, I would class "serious" relationship since I broke up with my ex about a year and a half ago.

To say we hit it off is an understatement, we have been getting on absolutely great, and Im not saying this just because I think so, she thinks so aswell. Some of the things we have told eachother we would never tell anyone else. Even people around us think we are right for eachother. We have been completely open about our previous relationships too and as such I knew that she has been spilt from her last boyfriend of 4 years about year ago on and off but completely for 6 months. And going by the way he treated her, the a** hole deserves a good beating.

Heres where the problem starts. He has been away travelling for the past few months and has been trying to txt and ring her. She has replied the odd time, but only out of good manners as they have the same friends so she was worried about causing trouble or loosing them. She was open about that as she didnt want me to think there was anything going on. I dont know whether I was gulable in trusting her like this but to be honest I really had no reason not too because I really thought there could be no chance in hell of anything happening. Only the other day she reassured me!

Anyway, I knew her ex was arrving home today and that he had sent her an email the other day. Then yesterday I didnt hear from her even though we had arranged on thursday night to do somethin last night. I tried getting in contact with her yesterday evening but to no avail. Then late last night she text me to say that even though things have been going great she was not in the right place at the moment for a relationship and that her head was all over the place. This is a huge shock to me and I am absolutely devastated. She wont even answer her phone or reply to a text. I just dont know what to do, Ive never ever felt like this with any other partner before. And I know people think that its only a couple of months but if any of you have experienced love at first sight than you know what I mean.

Im sorry for the long thread but I just need to let it all out as Im going mad here. Can anyone give me some advice. Im worried that she might be thinking about going back to him but at the same time it would go against everything she believes in due to what he's done to her in the past. Am I mad to think it could work out between us??

Thank you,
Broken Heart

Ruu_Old

Well she has been in a relationship with this guy for 4 years, thats a long time. I think she could be still attached to him, regardless of how good or bad he treats her. I would just give her space and get on with your own thing. Sorry but she might have been using you to fill the gap, but maybe not intentionally. Keep yourself busy and try to concentrate on something else for a while. Are you sure you didn't misread her feelings, she might have wanted a friendship and someone to just talk to?

johnnyrotten

Give her space and hope for the best. The wrst thing you can do is keep ringing or texting her - That will piss her off.
Good Luck

Jocry

I understand about the length of her previous relationship and how that may still be affecting her but as far as reading into that she just wanted a friendship from me, definitely not the case. As I said we have been extremely open about things and have been intimate with eachother. There was nothing sure about it that we have been a proper couple, this has just popped up since yesterday and thats why its all such a muddle to me

Jocry

johnnyrotten wrote:

Give her space and hope for the best. The wrst thing you can do is keep ringing or texting her - That will piss her off.
Good Luck

I know. I sent her a text reminding her of some of the things she has said to me recently. If she really means those things that she said then she'll know exactly how Im feeling

Sony

I really feel sorry for ya,sounds like she completely strung you along-she clearly wants back with the ex surely its no coincidence the day he comes home she wont answer and then texts you that...thats just horrible

If she has said some very significant things to you about your relationship I reckon you COMPLETELY ignore her until she comes back to you and treats you the way you deserve

best of luck

secret_squirrel

Ask yourself this-

Is she behaving in a way deserving of your love?

Doesnt sound like it to me.

Sounds like she was using you until the Ex came back.

As everyone has said, stop contacting her - let her come back - although definately dont wait for this to happen, because I dont reckon she will.

Im afraid she's been using you from the start....

Forget her and put it down to experience if she doesnt make any effort to contact you.....

Jocry

Thanks folks, its nice to know I can express myself here!
It just came as a terrible shock: she knows my friend's girlfriend, met the parents (LOL) and a few ither things! Its just as I said completely out of the character which she has displayed over the last couple of months!
Guess Im just one of those suckers!

Sony

youre not a sucker mate-youre just highly unlucky that she did this to you:rolleyes:

Jocry

Yeah maybe, promised myself it'd never happen again and she new it......
All part of life I suppose, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger eh?!!!

Black Swan

Jocry wrote:

2 months ago

Not a long time to develop a relationship of any depth?

Jocry wrote:

I knew that she has been spilt from her last boyfriend of 4 years about year ago on and off but completely for 6 months.

4 years is a long time, and 6 months is not. Could be you met her on the "rebound," and she is still not over the relationship with her X?

Jocry wrote:

Then late last night she text me to say that even though things have been going great she was not in the right place at the moment for a relationship and that her head was all over the place. This is a huge shock to me and I am absolutely devastated. She wont even answer her phone or reply to a text.

Once again, it would appear she is not over her X?

Would recommend that you back off and give her space, but stay in polite touch. Be a gentleman in all matters pertaining to her and don't pressure or criticize her behaviour. She may go back to her X, or she may still need time to sort out their former relationship before taking on another?

Jocry

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Would recommend that you back off and give her space, but stay in polite touch. Be a gentleman in all matters pertaining to her and don't pressure or criticize her behaviour. She may go back to her X, or she may still need time to sort out their former relationship before taking on another?

I was thinking of giving it a while but to give her a friendly call/text at some stage but its not the easiest if you have been let down. If it was a fact that she needs to sort out her feelings I will respect that but wont waiting round for her at the same time! Silly thing is, I do still want to be with her!

bubblicious

dude, im really sorry for ya....i don't think she was intentionally using you, i reckon she was genuinely happy with you but once the ex came back, old feelings came up...i know how hard it is, same thing happened to me last year when the guy i was with for 3 months decided he couldn't be with me anymore, and got back with his ex when she came back from america...and this was after a meeting the parents and the L word!!

sometime's life is just a b****...but if all that hadn't happened with my ex, i never would've gotten together with my next boyf (sadly ex of a week!)...life works in strange, and painful, ways...but at the end of the way, if it's meant to be, it'll work out....

and i know how hard it is...it's so painful, you just don't know what to do, all you can do is think about them, etc...it's hard, but it WILL get better...and, as im sure you know by now, there are so many people you can talk to about these things...like us!!

as hard as it is, don't contact her...it'll get easier...just try to forget about her...go out,get drunk,meet some new people, make new friends, and keep busy....and again, im really sorry dude...no-one deserves that to happen to them...

take care x

Sony

That was a really nice mail there bubblicious, nice one-Im exp a bit of heartache at the mo myself and something in your post there picked me up a little so thanks;)

Jocry

Thanks bubbllicious and everyone for your comments, it does help!

At this stage Im just trying to make sense of it all, its just one of those things! Im a person that finds it very difficult to leave it be, I hate break ups over the phone, I just cant seem to take them (LOL Im not a complete loser but just the last couple of break ups have been over the phone). I dont see why we couldnt have met up, thats just the hardest thing and she knows that! Ive been with a few girls since I broke up with my ex but unfortunately I truely thought she was "the someone" that Ive been waiting for to come along for a long time! These things happen though!

@Sony
Sorry your experiencing the pain aswell, life aint fair! Love is great when its going well but crap when its not!

vixen2005

i think all great guys deserve what they give back, if they cant apprecaite a good man when they got em i think you need to find some one who does!
its the week end im sure your not stuck for company babe go have a laugh with your mates love will find you!

Fanny Cradock

Lets not jump the gun and declare the whole thing over. It may well be that the girl really does need a bit of space, and, given this, she may find that it's you she wants

However, as difficult as it may sound, 2 months is, in my humble opinion, not a long enough time to establish a truly "serious" relationship - especially when the specter of her last relationship is, quite literally, still hanging around. This said, it is possible to form deep attachments to someone in such a short amount of time. In this I speak from unfortunate experience.

Now, I realise that it may be a massive contradiction, but don't rule anything out just yet (I see a certain resignation in your latter posts) - keep positive, upbeat, and, above all, keep busy! Yet, and here's the contradiction: you should also be aware (without being overly negative) that it may, indeed, be over.

Take your time when dealing with her - move slowly and give her breathing space. You really don't want to force her hand here. Believe me, the very worst thing you can do is appear forceful and needy. As has been suggested, I would think the best thing to do at this stage would be to get on with your own life, and, after what seems like an appropriate time, drop her a care-free and understated "hello".

Good luck, Jocry

Motley Crue

Jocry wrote:

Then yesterday I didnt hear from her even though we had arranged on thursday night to do somethin last night. I tried getting in contact with her yesterday evening but to no avail.

Youd be suprised how often people, myself included, are in this situation. Im sorry to say this but I reckon she met up with him and hes messed her mind up about your relationship. 2 months is a fair time to be going out with someone and say 'well, i deserve a little more of an explanation then that' i mean it wasnt like you were going out 2 weeks and it looks as if you really got on well.

Not to be too personal, but did you have sex, what was the attitude to that being crossed (because in a womans mind this can be a very big stepping stone after a previous relationship)

Id say you should try and meet face to face and discuss it. It really is something that you should address because if she has slipped back into old patterns and you genuinely believe her bf was abusive towards her (and its not just you wanting to win a mental battle - which can also happen) then you should put a stop to this

Jocry

@vixen2005
Thanks babe


@Fanny Cradock
Yeah, we had formed a very close bond, it would be be hard to call it love after this amount of time but it did definitely felt right, and felt very close for me to declaring the "L" word. Now whether she was lying she too had told me that she had never ever met anyone who had treated her aswell as I had. Even people to close to her had given me the perverbiable "seal of approval" since they'd known the other guys she'd been with in the past!


@Motley Crue
He only came home yesterday so she couldnt have met up with him but I know that he had sent her a couple of emails the previous day so maybe there was something in them that changed her mind.
On the sex issue, we had slept together but hadnt had intercourse, although there was alot of foreplay before we stopped! It wasnt anything on her side, lets just say it was bad timing! Another point she had made was that I was the first person that wasnt like other lads she's been with, just wanting to jump in the sack with her after the first date. We had actually planned on going away for a weekend either this week or next! This was a very open subject that we'd discussed and something that we wanted to be special when it did happen, not just in the back of a car or summat!!
And with regards to her ex, yeah I believe he was a dick but at the same time only really knew what he was like through her as I never had the chance to bring it up with her friends, family!

Sony

I know how much you must want to contact her and ask for her to meet you face to face for a chat but In my opinion if she wanted to do this she would be onto you straight away.....she knows where she stands with you and so the ball is in her court....its so ****tty as I said!

BY the way,2 months IS a long enough time to be going out with someone to establish how strongly you feel about them and you WERE entitled to a proper face to face full explaination/apology from her considering the circumstances-so shes let you down BIGTIME.If that happened to me "just like that" I too would be sick.

But this has'nt happened and unless she gets back in touch with you over the coming week or 2 then I dont think she's worth it.I'd say shes feeling really guilty about how shes dealt with you so just completely ignore her and if theres any chance shes thinking of getting back with you still she'll begin to wonder why you havent been chasing after her!;)

Jocry

Thanks Sony, my head is just all over the place you know? On one side I agree with what you say but on the other she knows exactly how I must be feeling so she might think by doing what she's done that she's blown any chance of it working out. Christ my head is all over the place!

Motley Crue

Jocry wrote:

on the other she knows exactly how I must be feeling so she might think by doing what she's done that she's blown any chance of it working out. Christ my head is all over the place!

I would say that if nothing happens over the next couple of days, you should (by say, Wed) give her a text or a ring. If you know where she lives, which im assuming you do, you should go around to her place. Other people on this board might not agree with me, but you have no idea whats going on in her head, and she has no idea whats going on in yours.

Approach the situation with caution alright, but dont leave it so long that she starts wondering why you havent come after her. Ive had experiences before where ive left it to late, and ended up feeling terrible I didnt call sooner, but depending on when this incident happened a week is long enough of a silence.

Ive been through this before, I know it wrecks your head, but just remember that you will get through it and it will work itself out. If you love her, and she feels the same way about you, there is no reason she wouldnt want to be with you. You obviously care about her to express your feelings on this site in this medium.

Jocry

Motley Crue wrote:

I would say that if nothing happens over the next couple of days, you should (by say, Wed) give her a text or a ring. If you know where she lives, which im assuming you do, you should go around to her place. Other people on this board might not agree with me, but you have no idea whats going on in her head, and she has no idea whats going on in yours.

Approach the situation with caution alright, but dont leave it so long that she starts wondering why you havent come after her. Ive had experiences before where ive left it to late, and ended up feeling terrible I didnt call sooner, but depending on when this incident happened a week is long enough of a silence.

Ive been through this before, I know it wrecks your head, but just remember that you will get through it and it will work itself out. If you love her, and she feels the same way about you, there is no reason she wouldnt want to be with you. You obviously care about her to express your feelings on this site in this medium.

Thanks mate! You've no idea how much I like this girl. Ive had relationships in the past but she's just different - in a great way. I know there's people probably reading this thinking Im a weirdo and I should just forget about her and get on with my life but to be honest I dont care. This is the only place I feel I can truely describe how I feel about her without being told to grow up and "be a man about it"! At this moment in time, I cant even think straight and Ive a gut wrenching feeling right in the middle of my chest which hasnt gone away since she told me, and its f*cking unbearable at this stage!

Exon

Man, you diserve better than her, sorry but all you can do now is forget about her. I wouldn't get back with her even if she wanted too, she obviously doesn't really care about you. Stay strong man.

MonkeyWrench

Hey man, sorry for your troubles but I think you need to move on with things here. 6 months is quite a short space of time for your ex to get over a 4 year relationship so I would be wary from the beginning. She may or may not intentionally have tried to "Fill the gap" but it does look like this is the case from your posts. I've heard it from friends before in very similar situations where they become the shoulder to cry on for a few weeks or months but then once the partners confidence is back up again, off they go. In this case the catalyst was the other guy coming back from his travels. They may or may not get back together but it does sound like you are pretty much at the back of her mind right now which is a solid indication of her true feelings towards you. Put it down to experience and when a girl talks about her ex that she broke up with "Just a few months ago". You know where the door is next time.
Take it easy.

dceire

i'm sorry to hear your situation bud but i thnik your probably best to let her go and get on with your life. If you really like this girl contact her and arrange to meet up to discuss where you both stand. If its a case of you not getting a response when you contact her just let it go man, there's better women out there for you.

Anyway whatever happens best of luck!

Motley Crue

out of interest, y did you post this again tonight?

Jocry

Motley Crue wrote:

out of interest, y did you post this again tonight?

What you mean?

Sony

hey jocry check your private messages

Jocry

hey people thanks for the comments over the last few weeks, it has really helped. Some people that have pm'd me know what has happened and that I am dealing with things BUT something happened earlier on that has my head going a bit crazy again for this girl!!!
Im after coming home and going on to the ex's bebo web page and her cousin asked if she had any scandal and this is the reply she got:
scandal...yea a lil bit..im young free and single again...
Now on one hand I know she's not back with her ex but on the other I dont know what to think, my head has just been messed up again! Im taking it with a pinch of salt but just said Id see what people thought now that I know she's not back with her ex. We have sent the odd txt since I last posted, nothing major, just a general hello hi how are you! Im just taking a wild guess but do people think that she may have thought she was getting into too serious of a relationship too soon or what? She has apologised to me for treating me the way she did and said that I didnt desverve it. Now I know alot of people wouldnt agree but I think she is actually being genuine. Considering I thought she was back with her ex and now I know this is not the case, my head is a little over the place again..

ps a couple of people have pm'd me and I really have appreciated it, you know who you are and what Ive told you:)

humanji

Jocry wrote:

Im after coming home and going on to the ex's bebo web page

Cyber-stalking isn't really going to set your mind at ease. Just let it go. If you really want to keep in touch with her, do. But don't go expecting her to run back into your arms. It may turn out well for you, but if you're coming on too strong then it'll scare her off.

Tobias Greeshman

Jocry wrote:

Im just taking a wild guess but do people think that she may have thought she was getting into too serious of a relationship too soon or what? She has apologised to me for treating me the way she did and said that I didnt desverve it. Now I know alot of people wouldnt agree but I think she is actually being genuine.

Genuine? Now am I missing something here?

Have you had a face to face conversation with her since she dumped you? She dumped you by text as well (unless I misread something), which is a pretty ****ty thing to do anyone.

I don't know your ex personally but if I had to put my finger on anything I'd say she wasn't completely over her ex and you two got together and got serious very fast, and she freaked a little. She probably has a few single friends, and wants to enjoy the single life.

Your saying both of you are texting each other, is it anything close to friend type text or is it just both of you passing yourselves? Personally I don't think she's worth the effort mate, if she hasn't the decency to talk to you face to face about your relationship like any adult, then why bother. There's plenty more good looking, honest and mature (mentally mature now) women out there.

BuffyBot

I know. I sent her a text reminding her of some of the things she has said to me recently. If she really means those things that she said then she'll know exactly how Im feeling

O_o

Anyway, it sounds like you were the rebound guy, and got caught up in her issues.

Perhaps it's time to just face up to that and move along.