Concerns/reservations about physical intimacy with new girl

LegacyUser

Well, I've been seeing this new girl for a couple of weeks now and it's going very well and the chemistry would indicate that the ever-popular 'secks' is afoot.

Only problem is, I have much...unattractiveness. Of the sort that is only apparent when not clothed and obviously then when aforementioned sex is afoot. For argument's sake let's just call it 'scarring' coupled with the kind of physique that outside of naked situations looks 'normal' (at best) but within those situations just looks...poor. For real want of a better word.

We're both 19. I don't know about her, but I'm a virgin. Which in itself doesn't bother me. Of course if I'd done this all before it probably wouldn't be a problem now but that's a slightly different matter. Virginity per se doesn't bother me. I know it doesn't matter for me. We're both relatively inexperienced anyway.

Anyway, I'm not expecting any miracles to be worked with my appearance by posting this thread - my issue is...how do I deal being physically intimate with her when I'm so self-conscious and basically terrified of being exposed for the (and this may sound harsh/exaggerated) freak that I am?

I guess I feel like if I didn't warn her somehow beforehand I would feel like I was tricking her. Tricking her into thinking I'm something I'm not. Into starting something that, if she knew the whole truth, she in all probability would not want to start. I'm basically talking bout sex here, of course. But maybe more than that; maybe a relationship in general. The thing is, the nature of the relationship itself isn't anything overly deep or emotionally-taxing, which I'm very content with. It's best described as 'just fun'. Again, for want of a better phrase.

What if she tries to initiate sex or nakedness, you know? I don't know if I would, out of fear, just stop her dead in her tracks and say I wasn't up for it (and consequently hurt her feelings, if only a little)...or try right then and there to explain to her that I had this...defect(s)? I really don't think I can play it cool as if it's nothing...as much as it would help my case to pretend it was nothing and that it was no drain on my confidence; it actually is. I want to be able to be honest and I would feel like I was tricking her otherwise...

What in the hell should I do? I really, really hope I don't have to back away from this relationship because of this...it would only deepen my conviction that this problem is adversely affecting my quality of life. I don't want to let it do that.

Please help me out here, I'm starting to worry; I need advice. Even if it's of the harsh-reality brutal-honesty sort. Something to break this concern and indecision...

Thanks

tbh

mate I thought you were saying your g/f was unattractive, I was going to give you both barrels

seriously, this is a much bigger deal to you than it is to her - you've been thinking and obsessing about this in your head, she's been loving getting to know you and is probably excited about taking the next step. You are at a crossroads - you can either play it safe, and sabotage the relationship so you don't have to risk being rejected, or you can give your g/f the benefit of the doubt and take a chance. I hope you do the latter and it pays off, but you've a long life and plenty of women ahead of you, so give it time.

go on - life is not a spectator sport. Have a chat with her and explain to her how you feel (she is your g/f after all). Chances are she'll be fine, and if she's not, she wasn't the girl you thought she was - better to find out sooner than later.

GOOD LUCK!


ps - in my experience, chicks dig scars.

I'd say, if you're in a situation with her that's clearly heading towards naked etc, pause for a moment to warn her. Don't act like it's nothing but try not to make too big a deal of it. It's probably far more of an issue to you than it will be to her.

Good luck

Victor

How about bringing up the topic of scars or fitting it into another conversation. Keep it matter of fact, not a big issue-type [strike]discussion[/strike] mention.

chamlis

I don't imagine it'll be a problem. What tbh said about chicks digging scars for the most part is true. Not that they particularly like them, it's just not really an issue.
I mean, you are fully functional, right?

LegacyUser

tbh wrote:

mate I thought you were saying your g/f was unattractive, I was going to give you both barrels

seriously, this is a much bigger deal to you than it is to her - you've been thinking and obsessing about this in your head, she's been loving getting to know you and is probably excited about taking the next step. You are at a crossroads - you can either play it safe, and sabotage the relationship so you don't have to risk being rejected, or you can give your g/f the benefit of the doubt and take a chance. I hope you do the latter and it pays off, but you've a long life and plenty of women ahead of you, so give it time.

go on - life is not a spectator sport. Have a chat with her and explain to her how you feel (she is your g/f after all). Chances are she'll be fine, and if she's not, she wasn't the girl you thought she was - better to find out sooner than later.

GOOD LUCK!


ps - in my experience, chicks dig scars.

Thanks man. Well, I should clarify that I wouldn't quite say we're bf and gf just yet. To be honest I'm thinking it's sex that will make or break us in that regard. And it ain't exactly what you'd traditionally call 'scarring', either. It stems more from a bad health kinda thing. Which is that little bit worse, IMO. But I guess maybe most of this is just "IMO". If anything, that's what I need to overcome.

I hope I take the chance and go for it, anyway. I don't want to spend my whole life sabotaging my own relationships out of fear of this.

Marksie

Actually, i believe that the issue here is not how your girlfriend will view you, but how you view yourself.

You have used the word freak to describe yourself, and i dont believe that you are one but that your self image believes you to be one.

As a first step, perhaps a life coach or self help book may be able to change your view of yourself. In accepting yourself as you are and coming to term with you and being happy within yourself you will have taken the first step.


Of course open communication with your g/friend is important and talking to her and telliing her your fears and your view of yourself is imperative. It isn't going to be easy for you, but i think you have to put your faith in your girfriend and be open and honest about your fears.

all the best

doubtfir3

Well I have extensive scarring on my left arm and chest from several surgeries an accident a few years back.

Initially I felt shy about it but once you just get out there its no longer an issue to be honest.

From personal experience, what tbh and chamlis is definately true.

If you want, mention it to her or talk to her about it but you can be certain that she has plenty of hang-ups about aspects of her body and/or appearance too.

ClockWorkOrange

9999 wrote:

coupled with the kind of physique that outside of naked situations looks 'normal' (at best) but within those situations just looks...poor. For real want of a better word.

If by this you mean you are out of shape i.e. fat and un-shapley, then goin and gym and do something about it... Your girl will see that you have pride in your body and are working to make it healthy and more appealing..

Plus there is a range of other physical and mental benefits..

neuro-praxis

Have a little chat with her. I suspect you've got acne scarring and a little flab (ie - you're a thin-fat person like most of us!). If she fancies you, she will fancy that body, don't you worry at all.

Mention to her when you are having a cosy moment that you are self-conscious about your body and for her to go easy on you. She will probably be endeared to you and whatever lovemaking you engage in may be all the more tender for it. Talking is so important in a relationship.

If she is put off by an imperfect body then, honestly, truly, she is not worth it. I doubt she doesn't have a few lumps and bumps underneath those clothes herself (pardon the pun).

Honestly OP, relax, talk, and have fun.

LegacyUser

9999 wrote:

And it ain't exactly what you'd traditionally call 'scarring', either. It stems more from a bad health kinda thing. Which is that little bit worse, IMO. QUOTE]

do you mean stretch marks?? if thats what you mean dont be worrying about that. IMO a good majority of us have them...especially us girls and they arent just a sign of being larger than normal...believe me. I have them on my arms and back of my knees cos as a wee lass i grew very tall very fast..too fast for my skin to develop and stretch at the same time. and also on on my hips. I know what your going thro believe me but when it does happen you'll wonder why you were worried in the first place. She mightnt even notice then. my ex didnt for a long time..wasnt til i was in bikini on hols putting lotion on me that he saw n asked. i was honest n upfront as to what happened n nothing was said again!

p.s there are some really good moisturisers out there that will help them to fade. a fav of mine is an avon one. think its called "refine" or sumit like that. in purple squeezy bottle anyways.

and if this isnt what you were talking about im sorry you had to read all that hehe

best of luck

LegacyUser

I reckon be up front and tell her about it in advance. If she's a decent girl she won't care and whats more she'll do her best to make you feel better about yourself.

Also - if you tell her about something on your body that she can't readily see. You know what curiosity does its only a matter of time before she wants you naked which can't be a bad thing!

Talliesin

You could bring up whatever it is that is the cause of this, as part of the normal talking about each others lives that happens early in a relationship.

greenkittie

When i was younger i was with a guy who for ages wouldn't get naked, i actually thought it was to do with me then eventually he told me he had pulled a pot of boiling water off a stove as a child and had burn scars. I got him to show me, and it didn't bother me one little bit.

Motley Crue

9999 wrote:

my issue is...how do I deal being physically intimate with her when I'm so self-conscious and basically terrified of being exposed for the (and this may sound harsh/exaggerated) freak that I am?

Youre not a freak just because you dont know how to have sex or feel her up. In all honest, i might advise watching a porno, and then attempting (with about a 40% reality of accuracy) doing what they do on screen. Just dont try any 'backdoor shananigans' on the first time

Personally i lost mine in a public restroom, so im not one to talk

chamlis

Bah, the only thing I reckon porn is good for is de-sensitising you to nudy goings on. Handy if it's you're first time and you're really worked up, but that takes ALOT of porn

silvine

Like anything, when it's all over you'll wonder what the worry and fuss was about.

LegacyUser

Motley Crue wrote:

Youre not a freak just because you dont know how to have sex or feel her up. In all honest, i might advise watching a porno, and then attempting (with about a 40% reality of accuracy) doing what they do on screen. Just dont try any 'backdoor shananigans' on the first time

Personally i lost mine in a public restroom, so im not one to talk

Haha mate this really isn't about virginity. I said already that's really not an issue for me. I do know to have sex and feel a girl up, silly. Read the thread...

There is no real cause for me having this issue. I have no sad story to explain it or justify it so talking about the 'cause' with her isn't really on the cards.

Enough about pr0n already. Neither of us need 'de-sensitising' to what pornstars look like. The last thing I need to be held up against is some male porn star.

Well, thanks a load for the advice. I'm thinking I'll have to give it a last-minute mention when the time comes and just hope for the best.
Thanks

Victor

9999 wrote:

I'm thinking I'll have to give it a last-minute mention when the time comes and just hope for the best.

No, perhaps not last minute.

With my nieces, I'm fairly um 'straighforward'. If they want to go out when I'm childminding them, "Sure, where are you heading and make sure you have your phone?". This freaks out the eldest, she thinks shes getting the third degree.

Meanwhile, my sister (their mother), does the softly, softly appraoch, asks a few non-questions first, then asks who they are meeting, where, when will they be back ......

To get o the point. Making this a last minute, potential big thing, merely makes it an even bigger thing.

Black Swan

Bring it up in casual conversation, not last minute during the heat of passion. Last minute could throw a damper on things that would not occur under normal circumstances. Further, you are probably more sensitive about it than she is.