Non existent love life

niceguyniall24

I'm 24, I'm a nice guy, reasonably intelligent, all right looking and I treat people well.
My problem is women - basically I can't get or keep them!
My last serious relationship was three years ago and that lasted for two years and since then I've dated three or four women for maybe two months at a time.
This year a two and half month liason was the extent of it.
The woman I was seeing ended it without any reason in particular, I didn't stick around to find out why.
In the last year I've moved cities and tried to 'put myself out there' as they say.
I've also hit the gym and I'm in as good shape as I've ever been.
I don't drink a whole lot so the whole clubs and pubs business doesn't appeal to me, and I don't have much confidence when it comes to chatting women up.
All of my mates have girlfriends they get them easy and they don't treat them well (cheating etc) whereas I'm a nice guy who can't get one.
To be honest I'm a bit disilousined but I really do want a girlfriend.
My sister and I are fairly close and we had a chat the other day and she shocked me by pointing out what she called a few home truths.
The cheek.
She said I need to change my attitude, and unless I do I'll be a sad, lonely man in ten years time!
Basically when I'm out and about or in contact with women I don't bother spending too much time chatting to someone if 1) I find out she has a boyfriend 2) Is uninterested 3) Potential is not there for sex/possible relationship.
Does what I've listed above make me A) A bollox a normal guy who doesn't like his time to be wasted?!
Have I got an attitude problem or was the sister out of line?
And ladies, having read this post would you consider dating me as I've described myself, and if not why not?
Be honest, because I don't quite believe the sis.
And before anyone suggests it, I've tried internet dating and although I've made contact with a few women, and we've emailed, very few seem to be up for meeting up.
Cheers

Ruu_Old

Perhaps you are trying to hard for a relationship instead of going out, having a good time and letting things happen by themselves?

Rabies

What is wrong with talking to women if you know there is no chance of a possible relationship or if she has a boyfriend?

Do you just end the conversation and leave it at that?

To be honest, it doesn't matter. Get talking to them, have a laugh and maybe make some new friends. If they like you then they may know some single friends of theirs that you might have something in common with.

niceguyniall24

Rabies: Reason why I wouldn't waste much time chatting to woman with a boyfriend is just whats in it for me?..It's not to lead to sex/date/relationship so why would I invest time in it?
I ain't looking for female friends, just a girlfriend and all that goes with it.
Ruu: Its been said before, but it's easier said that done when you haven't had much luck in that area in a bit..
I was told voluntary groups are a pretty great way to meet women, ya know they think you are a nice guy etc, and ratio of women to men is good..anyone ever try it?
(and as a bonus some deprived person could benefit from my kind heart)..
Ok im starting to see why im single.
Any more takers?

Rabies

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Rabies: Reason why I wouldn't waste much time chatting to woman with a boyfriend is just whats in it for me?..It's not to lead to sex/date/relationship so why would I invest time in it?
I ain't looking for female friends, just a girlfriend and all that goes with it.

Thats could be your problem. Looking for one thing, if the girl you are talking to can't offer it you just move on straight away.
Not the best signs to be throwing out there.

niceguyniall24

Ah rabies how could you think such a thing, no it aint a case of me just looking for sex..I don't generally do one night stands..and to be honest a 'nice' woman is what I'm looking for not someone who is on the beer five nights a week..
but lets be honest if I want to talk to a woman blah, blah I've a few sisters to chat to...
Maybe it's just me and I'm unique in it, but why would I chat to a woman unless I wanted things to go further?
Case in point a couple of months ago out and about chatting to a woman for 30 mins and bang she says she has a boyfriend...I mean why did she think I was chatting to her? Because I thought she had a nice personality?
Seriously though...seriously though there has to be some likeminded females who think like me,...no..is that an echo I hear...
any takers

catherine22

ok on what u have described i wud say that yes you are a nice guy on the face of it BUT then you describe how you only talk to women from whom you can get something. now i realise there is maybe a pert exaggeration on this im sure you do talk to some women for just the craic- or at least i hope you do!

im not being but you may come across as desperate to the people you are talking to you. as i have not spoken to you icannot say with certainity.

what Ruu said about being natural is totally right. i know its easy to say but christ you are only 24!!!

secondly by not speaking to people who have boyfriends did you ever think you may be bypassing their single friends? i mean if im out and i spoke to you and then you blanked me if you found out i had a boyfriend i am hardly going to turn round to one of my single friends and say hes a nice guy!!!

finally im sure your sister wasnt trying to hurt you, if you are a genuine guy and are upset about this maybe shes just trying to point out a few faults not necessarily so you can change but just so you are aware of them. at the end of the day shes your sister and probably has your best interests at heart and doesnt want to see you upset

LegacyUser

'

niceguyniall24 wrote:

And ladies, having read this post would you consider dating me as I\'ve described myself, and if not why not?\r\nBe honest, because I don\'t quite believe the sis.\r\nAnd before anyone suggests it, I\'ve tried internet dating and although I\'ve made contact with a few women, and we\'ve emailed, very few seem to be up for meeting up.\r\nCheers

\r\n\r\nI would not go out with you and I\'ll tell you why. (Asides from the whole internet dating which i think is stupid :P)\r\n\r\nYour attitude to women is all wrong - you say you are a nice guy yet you refuse to socialise with women who aren\'t interested in a relationship. Why do you not want female friends? Asides from the benefit of their friendship maybe they will have contacts who are looking to hook up.\r\nI don\'t see why you are in such a rush to have a girlfriend - you\'re 24 for Christ sake!! From what I\'ve heard you are a nice, normal guy. Go out - have fun and if you meet that special someone on the way - great! If not...ah well! \r\n\r\nGood luck'

niceguyniall24

Catherine, Sister didn't upset me, I was just very surprised by her.
And no I wouldn't really talk to women for the craic, and I know that sounds bad/slezy/looking for sex..but it's just being business like.
I want a girlfriend, so why would I spend my time chatting up someone who ain't available.
It doesn't mean I'd think any less of her but you know you wouldn't go the gym unless you thought it was going to get you fit and likewise..
Thats a strange comparison I know, its been a long.
I'd never blank a woman just because she has a boyfriend, but I wouldn't invest too much time if there ain't going to be anything in return for me.
Point taken re her friends etc though..
May have to act a bit more 'genuine'

sobriquet

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Basically when I'm out and about or in contact with women I don't bother spending too much time chatting to someone if 1) I find out she has a boyfriend 2) Is uninterested 3) Potential is not there for sex/possible relationship.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

I wouldn't waste much time chatting to woman with a boyfriend is just whats in it for me?..It's not to lead to sex/date/relationship so why would I invest time in it?

In my book, yes, this makes you a bollox. Maybe you could do better by not treating the entire female sex as made up of potential partners for you. They're people, with experiences and wants and needs and all that crap. Maybe treat them like that. How would you react if you believed that every person you interacted with you only did so because they believed they could get something out of you? Wouldn't wash too well would it?

niceguyniall24 wrote:

[W]hy would I chat to a woman unless I wanted things to go further? Case in point a couple of months ago out and about chatting to a woman for 30 mins and bang she says she has a boyfriend...I mean why did she think I was chatting to her?

Bloody hell. You know, I've often been annoyed when chatting to girls when out or at parties who assume reflexively that I'm trying to chat them up. It's obviously a defense mechanism to approaches like yours.

To backtrack a bit:

niceguyniall24 wrote:

My last serious relationship was three years ago and that lasted for two years and since then I've dated three or four women for maybe two months at a time.
This year a two and half month liason was the extent of it.

We're on the opposite ends of a spectrum. Your 'liason' this year is longer than any relationship I've had in my whole life. I guess I like being single. Why do you need to be in a relationship so much?

niceguyniall24

"They're people, with experiences and wants and needs and all that crap"...all well and good but does that really come into the equation when you are chatting to someone?..your thinking shes nice/easy to talk to/fun whatever...
As for "How would you react if you believed that every person you interacted with you only did so because they believed they could get something out of you?"..to be honest that wouldn't bother me in the slightest..If a woman was chatting away to me I'd be quite flattered..big deal she wants something out of me..maybe it's the possibility of being treated well, I don't know...but do you think it would bother me..
Lets be honest we're all selfish to a certain degree..
As for why I want a girlfriend so much...well I had a fairly great relationship in the past and I wouldn't mind having something similar again, does that make me a bad person, I think not.

LegacyUser

'

And ladies, having read this post would you consider dating me as I\'ve described myself, and if not why not?

\r\n No.\r\n\r\nwhy?\r\n

I mean why did she think I was chatting to her? Because I thought she had a nice personality?

\r\n\r\nyou sound like a ponce to be honest\r\n\r\nactually you remind me of a guy i know, he\'ll chat up girls when he goes out but if he decides they\'re not what hes looking for thats it he just stops talking to them, i mean if he sees the same girl in the club/pub or where ever the following week he wont even bother saying hello to her, and if she tries talking to him he just walks away! do you not realise that girls talk to each other?! this particular guy now has a reputation for being an arrogant s**t and no girl will go near him!\r\n\r\n

May have to act a bit more \'genuine\'

\r\nmaybe you\'re \'acting\' too much it seems any conversation you have with a girl is just an \'act\' to suss them out and see if they\'re relationship material, you have no interest in her actual personality, you said it yourself!\r\n\r\nit baffles me as to why you even want a relationship? is it just a comfort or ego thing ? maybe the reason you cant keep a women is because you dont really have any real emotional interest in them at all, you just want to be \'in a relationship\' ?!'

Faith

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Lets be honest we're all selfish to a certain degree..
.

Yes, but you're at the higher end of the scale.

Have you ever considered the possibility that the woman you're talking to is having problems with her boyfriend? That they're really on the verge of breaking up, and she has you in mind for a replacement?

To be honest, women are intelligent and intuitive. I'd hazard a guess at the reason you can't find a decent relationship is because women can tell pretty soon what you're really like. From what I've read, I wouldn't describe you as a "nice guy" at all.

niceguyniall24

Thanks for that Faith..very helpful...good job I aint sensitive!

upthere

I think you should have some fun until you feel really settled and able to take on a relatship and don't settle for the first one that comes your way. You gotta focus on the right one coming rather than you can't keep them. Keeping a girl will come naturally to you when you meet the right one!

Red Alert

Why are you so averse to having female friends? I'd hazard a guess that I've more female than male friends, just a consequence of how things turned out.

Girls who like you but don't like you that way will have loads of single friends.

Why do you need this relationship so much? are you trying to prove something?

catherine22

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Thanks for that Faith..very helpful...good job I aint sensitive!

niall you posted here explaining your situation. you posted because you wanted replies- advice on your situation.

well you got it! 12-13 people have posted all basically saying the same thing- lighten up if a relationship is meant to happen it will and also quit trying to talk to just single girls!

you dont like the replies you get well tough! what were u expecting? your sister was wrong and you sound like the nicest guy on the planet please go out with me?

i dont want you to take this post the wrong way but your sister has pointed out you dont talk to girls with boyfriends and now everyone on this board is saying that if you do that is a stupid thing to do

if you want people to agree with you dont post on a board asking for opinions!

wow sierra

I gave a genuine reply to another thread by Niall - now im sorry I bothered . He is either taking the piss or else far from being sensitive, is in fact full of himself.

LegacyUser

'head off to Thailand or hit some Russian bride website. With a meat head opinion and attitude to women like that you\'re not going to get very far with any other type of woman.\r\n\r\nYou don\'t have a clue about women outside of your mammy and your sisters or your ex or anybody else who\'d put up with your caveman attitude. \r\n\r\nAll you\'ll come across as when you talk to them is some desperate obsessed weirdo who\'s looking for a wife or a new girlfriend. Eventually you\'ll meet some desperate woman who\'s looking for a husband or a boyfriend and you\'ll be fine, perfect match.\r\n\r\nOr... get out and talk to as many women as you can. Enjoy chatting to them, women are great. The best way to meet women is through other women, you\'ll get introduced to way more girls that way, eventually fate will take its course naturally and you\'ll meet somebody right for you. You\'re not going to meet them the way you\'re going about it now.'

Esel

OP, do you have many mates, or do you just have acquaintances who can be useful to you in some way? 'Act' genuine? Way to go. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

niceguyniall24 wrote:

My problem is women - basically I can't get or keep them!
My last serious relationship was three years ago and that lasted for two years and since then I've dated three or four women for maybe two months at a time.
This year a two and half month liason was the extent of it.

so basically for the past 3 years you've ben in some relationship or another for max 2 yrs and 8 months say. is it just me r is that good goin?? thought you said you cant get women?? you just obviously havent met the one for you and i think your tryn too hard to just find a girlfriend and not someone that basically rocks your world!

Talliesin

Isn't it interesting how whenever someone (it's genuinely a guy) quickly describes himself as "nice" they always turn out to be complete assholes.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Rabies: Reason why I wouldn't waste much time chatting to woman with a boyfriend is just whats in it for me?

A conversation.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

I ain't looking for female friends, just a girlfriend and all that goes with it.

Sorry, but for us non-assholes friendship is part of that "all that goes with it".

niceguyniall24 wrote:

I was told voluntary groups are a pretty great way to meet women, ya know they think you are a nice guy etc, and ratio of women to men is good..anyone ever try it?

Probably not a good idea. They're less likely to think you're a nice guy in a context where they are with you long enough to see through you.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Ah rabies how could you think such a thing, no it aint a case of me just looking for sex

You are still just looking for one thing though.

If that one thing was sex things would actually be better. It's possible to hook up with someone just for sex with or without being an asshole. When that "one thing" is your messed up concept of a relationship, things are harder.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Maybe it's just me and I'm unique in it, but why would I chat to a woman unless I wanted things to go further?

Because mentally-healthy human beings talk to each other.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

And no I wouldn't really talk to women for the craic, and I know that sounds bad/slezy/looking for sex..but it's just being business like.

No, it sounds like you're either a troll or have serious problems relating to people. Either way you're an asshole.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

May have to act a bit more 'genuine'

Yes, that would help your pretense that you're a "nice guy".

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Thanks for that Faith..very helpful...good job I aint sensitive!

It was helpful. You didn't say "please help me feel good about myself, my self-delusion that I'm a 'nice guy' is under threat because women see through me so I need help maintaining the illusion". You asked for advice and Faith essentially said that you should stop being an asshole (she said it nicer than me, but then I'm not a nice guy). That you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink isn't Faith's fault.

Since your problem is what a total asshole you are, this is exactly the advice you need.

You're not going to stop being an asshole overnight though. You need to get yourself some serious counselling.

Red Alert

Why should we help you fool nice genuine girls who might want friendship or a relationship into thinking you're not just in it for yourself?

I have never seen an original post like this on PI for a long long time.

panda100

Talliesin wrote:

You're not going to stop being an asshole overnight though. You need to get yourself some serious counselling.

I dont think this is fair.

niceguyniall24 wrote:

I ain't looking for female friends, just a girlfriend and all that goes with it..

The op doesnt necessarily mean sex by This like talliesin suggested. Maybe he means having someone to cuddle up to in the cinema,or having someone there when you need them etc.

tbh

niceguyniall24 wrote:

Basically when I'm out and about or in contact with women I don't bother spending too much time chatting to someone if 1) I find out she has a boyfriend 2) Is uninterested 3) Potential is not there for sex/possible relationship.

So in that case, you'll never hear a woman say the following:

"Niall, you *are* a nice guy, I think you should meet my friend Mary, she's single and I think you guys would get on great"

and, tbh, thats probably just as well for Mary.

Talliesin

panda100 wrote:

I dont think this is fair.

You think it's fair to expect him to just get overhimself in a few minutes?

panda100 wrote:

The op doesnt necessarily mean sex by This like talliesin suggested.

I suggested no such thing.

pigeonbutler

Quote:
Originally Posted by niceguyniall24
Basically when I'm out and about or in contact with women I don't bother spending too much time chatting to someone if 1) I find out she has a boyfriend 2) Is uninterested 3) Potential is not there for sex/possible relationship.

By this logic can I presume you don't spend any time chatting to other men? Since they aren't what you're looking for in a relationship. Why make a conscious decision for all your friends to be male and for the female species to be solely there for relationships? Sounds bizzare. You can't expect to be a well rounded and balanced person by carrying on like that.

petes

How do you get on in your working enviornment? Do you not talk to female collegues because there is no chance of a relationship. Your sister was right. You have a bad attitude towards women.

LegacyUser

God reading your posts actually makes my skin crawl

OP you do realise that women are human
they have opinions, feelings, independent thoughts?
they're not just there as a mans accessory or trophy?

you sound like a caveman for christs sake! in case you haven't realised society has moved on men and women are equal now, its a shock i know..

seriously you have the mental attitude of a 10 year, 'ughh i can't be friends with her shes a girl !'

And no I wouldn't really talk to women for the craic, and I know that sounds bad/slezy/looking for sex..but it's just being business like.

business like....wtf? getting to know people isn't a 'buisness', a relationship, a conversation, isn't a transaction!

seriously man you clearly have issues...if you're a 'nice' guy i shudder to think what your definition of 'not nice' is ? to be honest im completely bewildered as to how you ever managed to get a girl at all? how could they not see right through you?? but it would support the trophy girl theory, good looker but not a lot going on in the intelligence department.

upthere

niall, take time to think about what you want, who you are and what type of person suits your needs. You need to know for yourself.

Suebh

But knowing what we need leads to a more fulfilling life. Sometimes in our endeavours to get what we 'want' we behave like spoiled children and stamping when what we 'wanted' to happen does not. At 24 I think it is wonderful to have a value on yourself and what you want, but I feel you are neglecting you needs. I would say if you are happy in what you are doing well that is good but it seems like you are not. It is important to place value on self but if that gets over the top it is then arrogance. I have no need to call you names, you are who and what you are. What you put out you get back. YOu want someone for a shallow relationship....you get someone for a shallow relationship....like meets like. You want to have a friendship that will be fulfilling whatever path it chooses, this is what you will also get but not seem that you are ready yet for that. I admire you honesty and to be honest if I met you our somewhere and you told me what you are about, I would nod and say each to their own, I not missing anything by not getting to know you but perhaps you are missing out not taking time to know others. As my kids say to me....whatevah!! lol

Sue

panda100

Talliesin wrote:

You think it's fair to expect him to just get overhimself in a few minutes?

I suggested no such thing.

Well it was implied in your post I thought.
You dont have to be so horrible to the op anyways.He's not an asshole just a bit confused .

Talliesin

panda100 wrote:

Well it was implied in your post I thought.

When I plainly stated that he wasn't just after sex?

panda100 wrote:

You dont have to be so horrible to the op anyways.He's not an asshole just a bit confused .

I'm not being horrible. If he wants to keep on believing that he's a "nice guy" that's his perogative. If he wants to get over himself and learn to relate to other human beings it's not going to be easy.

fifly

Girls can spot a mile off if a guy i only chatting to her for one reason i.e. want snog/sex/girlfiend/wife whatever. I know I can. If you can't be bothered to talk to girls who are attached or don't want a relationship that makes you rude and childish. If you can talk to guys regardless of wheather they are single or not why can't you do the same with girls?

You should go out to have a laugh not go out on a girlfriend hunt! If you meet someone on a night out great if you don't big deal. You can still have a good night!

TallGirl

Steady on there ladies.... Its quite obvious that lads do this all the time, loose interest in women once they hear she has a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend and this happens to me all the time. It makes perfect sense. Guys are out to pull and aren't going to do that by spending the night talking to someone who's going out with someone.
I think fair play to him for being honest. You are all pretty annoying actually.... we women always want to know a guys honest opinion and then when he gives it to us he gets a complete bashing.
Now, we are going off the point. Niall, u're initial question was is there something wrong with you. Yes... u still have to pretend to be interested in a girl eventhough she has a boyfriend. Thats how u fool them into thinking you are a nice guy. Then she goes off to the bathroom with another friend, says to her "That guy Niall is really nice" and then the friend comes back dying to talk to you... ye date, move in together, marry, have kids blah blah blah.
Sooo moral of the story is..... be nice to everyone and go out, have the craic and score lots of people.... u'll eventually find someone.

Plus.... you're only feckin 24!

matt-dublin

I think nial your missing one of the most important things about wemon.

They are not just there as sexual objects or for relationships.

Most of my friends are girls, purely and simply because they are a lot easier to talk to than guys.

When i "chat up" a girl somewhere, i don't nececarilly chat to them because i wanna end um somewhere with them.
If you can hold an interesting conversation with a girl somewhere you can find that it is very rewarding. If you are attracted to them see where it goes. If you're not, keep chatting, you may have just found your next best friend who can help you with relationship problems exactly like the one your having now.

Also, if you become friends with a girl you have to remember she will have a lot of girl friends of which may be attracted to you and vice versa.

You can't just go up to someone and talk up a relationship out of thin air. Or even just get into bed with them. Ok sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't but i think its seriously unfair to only talk to women if you think you are going to get something out of it???

You actually remind me of someone...
BORAT!!!

Chardee MacDennis

ok i stopped reading half way down - but i think his attitude to women is the same for most guys. i have plenty of female friends but if im chatting to a girl and i find out she has a bf i wont make as much of an effort with her. now dont get me wrong i'm not just gonna say "sorry, you have a bf then i'm off" - i'll let the conversation take its course but wont stick round longer than i have to, if you know what i mean.

most guys will do this you know how i know this - well let me ask the guys here, how many guys do you randomly start chatting to in clubs/pubs/parties general social situations? not many i'm sure, coz you're not out looking for new friends most of the time.

i dont know if i got my point across here but i'd be more than happy to clarify it.

Black Swan

niceguyniall24 wrote:

I was told voluntary groups are a pretty great way to meet women, ya know they think you are a nice guy etc, and ratio of women to men is good..anyone ever try it?

Yes. What do you really like doing? Find a group with plenty of women who like it to and become one of the most enthusiastic members.

craichoe

OK ..

Eh ... couple of things there ...

1. Your appearance is not something you should be basing a long term relationship off, You seem to be very interested in how you look to women not how you look to yourself.

2. Pigeonholing women in the the available category is just stupid, for the following reasons.

A. You look like an idiot stalking around looking for someone thats "available". You'll be found out.. I think they have a conference table in the toilets.

B. You never get any practice talking to people, how are you going to get to know them really.. All your looking at is *if their available* Now you could say i'm wrong but think about why your relationships only last 2 months.

C. Women in a relationship have friends.... hot friends... and can give you a heads up as to what their like.

The other guys here are right .. women are people, you should treat them the same way you treat men, don't differentiate, and if you are attracted to someone and you do get on well with them, its a natural progression and you'll have a relationship built on trust and friendship.

Just take it easy .... Its like my car keys .. when i'm looking for them i can never find them. When i don't need them their always there.

MojoMaker

Faith wrote:

Yes, but you're at the higher end of the scale.

Have you ever considered the possibility that the woman you're talking to is having problems with her boyfriend? That they're really on the verge of breaking up, and she has you in mind for a replacement?

To be honest, women are intelligent and intuitive. I'd hazard a guess at the reason you can't find a decent relationship is because women can tell pretty soon what you're really like. From what I've read, I wouldn't describe you as a "nice guy" at all.

Sorry OP, but this ^ is pretty much on the money. The one good thing you'll get out of these random conversations (if nothing else) is practice. If you can't chit-chat you will never establish a relationship.

Relationships after about 16 have little to do with looks, trying to form one based solely on how you look/dress is so unbelievably juvenile you would be lucky to retain an adult's interest for more than 5 minutes.

Fair enough if I've taken your post up completely wrong, but from the description you provide, the tone and angle of your opening post, and your subsequent replies you should remove the words 'nice guy' from your self-assessment and substitute in 'doormat', 'passive', and 'uninteresting'. The good news however is that you can alter this profile pretty quickly by engaging in genuine conversations with anyone & everyone and learn the art & craft of decent adult human conversation. It probably can, and will, change pretty quickly for you if you grasp this core personality trait. Without it I'd say you're pretty much sunk tho.

Caliden

Chatting to someone you know isnt interested is the best way to practice chatting to women.
You learn what to say, what to talk about and at the end of it you haven't been shot down so feel pretty good about it.
Manys a nights ive spent just talking to some girl (slightly drunk at the time) and just heading home.
You learn what women like to talk about and what the majority of them find amusing.